Itís All Over But the Crying
Finally, the end of the show. Am I happy or sad at the way it ended? I guess since this is a TV show , and it has no real impact on my little world eh whatever. I CAN say itís a better ending than the first, as there was a real bachelor. Alex was a semi-gay actor wanna be, who didnít even have the decency to pretend like he cared for the winner.
To end the story, they actually filmed a Survivor like fallen soldiers walk. Then Mark Brunette sent a bunch of attorneys over and well, they canít show it .Intellectual property or something .Here exclusively at the Fort, is the play by play of Brooke and Heleneís walkthrough: The girls start out, pondering each stop along the way.
Those first 10 girls. Some of them only lasted 30 seconds in the spotlight, (but felt they had to throw up a website anyway to get their turn in media whore spotlight * cough*). Amber, Merilee, Camille and the others, commemorated on the walk by some dirty tissues and empty sangria bottles.
Here are the tracks of Anandita and Frances imprinted deeply in the garden as they desperately scrambled to get away.
Ah, thereís Suzanneís rose, what a sad twisted soul- we miss her, but I hear sheís got a pro wrestling deal.
Christy from AZ and Heather from CA, why didnít he pick you instead of wacko Christi and psycho Heather - *sniff* did anyone ever tell her she had cottage cheese thighs? All thatís left are the shredded roses and voodoo dolls .
Hayley- always a bikini, never a boob job like Kylaís .A pile of sand and tissue is all thatís left.
Next of course Angela, she even had home turf advantage. Bad call, having Aaron meet her man hating roomie, and her totally indifferent family in one day. All thatís left is a pile of rose dust, because roomie incinerated it.
Last our Gwendolyn, she of class and dignity. Last seen standing by Niagara Falls with a rose .She left a tear stained post card of the falls.
After retrieving their respective voodoo dolls, (just for luck heh heh heh), Brooke and Helene begin the final countdown with tears in their eyes, (and an agent on speed dial) - but first itís off to meet Aaronís Mom & Dad
Helene gets the first crack at the in-laws. First stop in the limo is Aaronís billboard. Nothing says Iím just an ordinary guy, like a 50 ft. image. For godís sake donít laugh, look impressed. Helene breezes through Springfield, and picks out the biggest house she can see in town for the future. She puts her (temporary) stamp of approval on Aaronís bachelor digs, as well as Trolleys his Ďhobbyí restaurant. Ainít no way this girl is gonna live above a restaurant banker boy, and she tells him so with a quick arch of the eyebrow and the ĎHow much noise?íline. Oddly, this makes Aaron excited.
At the airport, they meet Alden, a grey haired Aaron look-alike. The most important thing to Helene is that Aaron isnít going to lose his hair. Alden has a full head, or at least belongs to Hair club for Men.
Helene aces the flight school part of the Buerge family training, and itís on to meet Mama. A quick hug from Mama and a handshake from Granny, and Helene has made it thru the initial inspection. Mama says all women are bitches, so now we know why Aaron isnít married by now. Sheís said the same thing to him hundreds of times. Yes mama, but this one has a camera crew with her, so can you please shut up?
Next up on the Buerge family training obstacle course is boat driving. Wisely, Helene sits up front with Aaron, leaving dad and mom in the back seat. One observation by my son Ė kind of a small boat for a millionaire. Sport boating is not impressive unless itís over 40 ft .Aaron, thatís a fishing boat. You think Helene, a Jersey girl is gonna fish? - GET REAL. However, in the spirit, Helene decides that there is no way Brooke is going to reel in this fish, and declares she has to communicate how much Aaron means to her. By Ďmuchí she means the moola.
They start to cook dinner, and grill Helene at the same time. Mama declares Helene a bit of an old maid, by telling her sheíd had 3 kids by the time she was 27. Justin his bro, and his obviously pregnant wife Tricia chime in with a ďyeah whatís up with that?Ē Helene looks down her nose and plays the big city career card, and then finishes off by saying Aaron would be a tough act to follow. Ohhh good one. Family is impressed as Daddy declares to Aaron she would be a positive addition- Do you know how much a good psychologist makes? Aaron is confused, as a matter of fact he spends a lot of time looking confused this ep. All these questions and brainwork are bad, and he mumbles something about mommy.
Next up is Brooke, and Aaron, and the family follow the exact same steps . It reminds me of a lab-controlled experiment itís so much the same. I actually wonder if itís scripted. Brooke doesnít get to see the billboard, Aaron thinks sheíll get too excited, and cross that Christi/Heather sanity line. They visit the loft, which Brooke declares needs a womanís touch. Aaron frantically looks around for the hot tub, then remembers he didnít install one. Crap. Off to Trolleys where Brooke is so impressed, Aaron declares she shares his vision. No noise complaint here. Come to think of it, Aaron didnít even drive her through the rich section to pick out a house. Hmmm. Brooke declares she has her game face on and bowls over Daddy Alden. She turns on her accent full tilt on the flyover, how beautiful everything is yada yada. Daddy ends the flight by taking Brookes hand and skipping to the car. At the house, Brooke is greeted by a hug from both Mama and Granny. Fiddle Dee Dee sheís from Alabama! Mamas smiling now.
They go on the same boat ride, only Brooke opts out of the boat
training, and sits back and jaws with mama .Aaron gets in some quality male bonding time with POP. He tells Dad all the fatal attraction girls went bye bye, and then begs them to make the decision for him. See I had him figured all along.
They quiz Brooke on her engagement, and she comes back with the Ďhe was draggin me down, and messed around a bit speechí. Oh golly she can go to law school in Springfield too. Grannyís smiling. They donít like the tattoo, but Brooke flashes the smile, and they melt. Aaron asks the family for a decision, and heís looking mighty grey. Surprisingly, they tell Aaron to grow up and make his own choice. A lawyer and a psychologist both make fine money says Daddy. I think Trish, Justin and Granny like Brooke, but keep it to themselves. Aaron looks like someone just robbed the bank. Mama must have finally given him some Southern Comfort to calm him down, as Brooke has to muscle him into the car. He looks wasted and she tries desperately to snap him out of it, to no avail. Oh Brooke you better sober him up or youíre in trouble. Heíll never remember how well you did. You are going to have to resort to the voodoo doll.
Aaron is back in his Malibu bachelor pad feeling a bit better. Heís playing the blues on the piano; he is from Missouri after all. Heís really freaked and teary eyed, and doesnít want to go on the final 2 dates. Heís groggy and dizzy.
No worries, Mama has tucked away some extra Southern Comfort, and Chris ordered Chinese for his date with Brooke. He doesnít have to cook.
Brooke tells him that his family didnít scare her off, to take that leap of faith, follow your heart, and that outside Lala land they could indeed make it. A whole pile of clichťs, and we know how Aaron loves overdone quotes. There he is again, almost crying. I donít ever want to watch a sappy movie with him; heíd be bawling his eyes out. Jeez, pull yourself together man.
He declares Brooke has an aura about her. It must be a cloud of doom one, because every time sheís around Aaron heís dopey looking, sad faced or panicky.Very suspicious.
Next night, or maybe itís the same one Ė canít really tell Ė Its Heleneís turn. Aaronís still too freaked to cook, so its pizza. He seems a bit more cheery, so maybe Chris ordered in some tranquilizers too. He jokes with Helene about stiff bankers- ha ha; yeah we already heard that one. She ignores the obvious and presents him with a little gift .Oh Aaron likes presents. Awww, itís a silver money clip to keep all his lovely cash organized. How thoughtful. They nosh pizza and laugh. Heís really cheerful when Helene bids him goodnight with a Ďgoodnight my sweet princeí. Gag .Sheís been saving that line since she didnít score the Cinderella date. Still itís a common clichť and it works on Aaron. Good thing Chris didnít order in Viagra, heís almost happy enough to be sexy.
Itís finally down to the day of redemption. As any good southern Baptist knows- thatís serious stuff. Aaron is shown looking contemplatively over the ocean. He had to come to Malibu to make up his mind, as Springfield has no ocean to contemplate.
Next stop is Harry Winstonís for the rock. He throws around terms like carat and trilliant, making the counter girl go googly eyed. He skips out with the rock in a bag with the staff waving . Aaron has paid for it himself. You dumbass, you donít think ABC actually had to PAY for it. Itís called product placement advertising. You just got suckered out of 25 grand. Again, Iím glad Daddy never made you a teller.
Another mandatory rehashing of Helene and Brookes journey through the harrowing six weeks follows. Chris tells Aaron to think of what heís going to say. He responds with that sickly grey look again.
He asks if they can just drive the other one to the airport while sheís in the limo anyway.
Uh no Aaron, this is actually the most important part.
Aaron takes his place by the pool, now tastefully strewn with flowers. Man is the pool boy gonna be pissed, those suckers jam up the intakes.
Next shot is the arriving limo, and out stepsÖ Brooke.Uh oh that means HELLane has triumphed. Chris leads poor innocent Brooke in for the slaughter and takes off. Brooke smells the fear as Aaron starts with his now memorized, you are gorgeous, sweet, wonderful, but sorry not through college yet speech. A banker has to have income from day one. Bye now, says Aaron in his best banker turning down a loan voice.
Brooke is heartbroken, but oddly does not blame the stars or the other girls or even Aaron. She blames herself. Good grief ! Good thing you didnít win, you have no self-esteem. Put your head up girly; remember second place gets you your own Bachelorette show. That is if enough people want ABC to make YOU the next Bachelorette. Yes thatís good, look teary eyed and dignified. Close shot and fade out. ExcellentÖ.
Of course now comes the moment weíve all been waiting for.
Helene has dressed in perhaps the ugliest dress in LA. Not only that, but sheís in 60ís mode with the funky flower in her hair. Is there no stylist on this set? Wait itís HELENE whoís been feeding him the tranquilizers all along! DOH Sheís a Psychologist! Itís the only explanation for Aaronís saying how beautiful she looked, and all of the other mood swings. Furthermore, he informs us heís felt the same way since there were 15 girls left. My god, sheís been slipping him drugs since day one. He goes down on bended knee and proposes. She accepts and he gives her the rock and then the last rose. She gives him another Thorazine and smiles prettily. Iím glad I can finally say how I really feel says Aaron. Helene plans her return to graduate school to get her psychiatry degree so she can write prescriptions. Happily ever after. How nice.
I canít wait for TRISTA!!!