Fear Factor 11-18-02

3 men, 3 women, 3 stunts, 50 grand, questionable sanity - welcome to Fear Factor. Let’s meet tonight’s contestants:

Billy Cain – insurance salesman form Huntington Beach, California. He wants to kick people’s asses on TV.

Lana Atchley – massage therapist from Beverly Hills (I’ll reserve comment on that)

Frank Feltes Jr. – software consultant from Boston. He wants to embarrass himself or someone else. (way to represent Frank)

Brandy Stephens – P.E. teacher from Richmond California. She is shooting for the 2004 Olympics in track. (What better training than this show)

Chad Morris – firefighter/paramedic from Toledo Ohio. He recently saved a 3 year old girl. (His skills may come in handy)

Kate Girotti – marketing, from Stratford Connecticut. She has a brother and sister in the Military and wants to prove to them how tough she is. (yep, this is much tougher than boot camp)

They make their way down a trail and meet up with host Joe Rogan. Joe lets them know that if they are too chicken to try a stunt, they’re gone. And, if they try and don’t complete a stunt, they’re gone. He basically goes on to say that he will torture them for 3 days, and the last one standing/coherent gets the cash. On to the first stunt.

Urban Assault
Players must make their way through the maze of hallways and rooms to locate 6 flags, the man and woman with the slowest time will be sent packing. Sounds pretty easy, doesn’t it? Oh, by the way, there are vicious, rabid attack dogs waiting for them inside.

Brandy is up first. Once inside the Stay-Puff marshmallow man protective suit, she’s ready. Other contestants give her encouraging words such as “run really fast”. As soon as she enters the complex, she’s hit by the first dog. Brandy gets to the first flag and struggles, with the dog still attached, to flag number 2. Brandy doesn’t have much trouble with the next dog, and she’s on her way. Next room, no dog. Where’s the fun in that? Dog #3 doesn’t seem to “get it”, as it lets Brandy make it to the flag without incident. Dog #4 toys with her, letting her reach the flag unharmed, only to make a beautiful open-field tackle near the door. Brandy collects herself, and makes it to the finish line in 1:27.

Kate is up next. She meets with the “welcome dog” and, with it’s help, is slammed into flags 1 and 2. Another assist as dog #2 slams her into the next flag. Dog #3 must have abandonment issues, because it only seems interested when the contestants leave. On to Dog #4, who is quickly becoming the star. He attaches himself to Kate’s thigh, (without humping) and she is able to get the flag. Kate is able to break free, and stumbles to the finish line in 1:14.

Lana’s turn. “Welcome dog” treats Lana like a rag doll, but she manages to hit both flags. She hits the second flag, but is a bit shaken, and runs right past 2 more. Lana gets to dog #4, and hesitates. Dog #4 senses this, and proceeds to pull her right down to the ground. She’s down there a while, she may be pregnant. Lana gets to the flag and goes another round with our canine hero, and manages to stay on her feet this time. She heads for the finish line, but realizes that she missed a few flags. She’s toast as she heads back to the missed flags. They don’t even show her time. Lana is the first to take the walk of shame.

Billy is first for the guys, and makes it past the first 2 dogs without much trouble. Dog #3 finally comes through and gets a mouthful of Billy’s ass on his way out. Dog #4 is able to slow him way down, but he is still able to finish in 1:09. Frank says that Billy “can expect another bite on the ass”. Hey Frank, it’s not that type of show. Knock it off.
Billy needs a trip to the ambulance, he’s suffering from heat exhaustion. I love this show.

Chad is next, and makes it past the first 3 dogs without much trouble. Dog #4 then makes the play of the game. After it makes the tackle, it decides to sink it’s teeth into his “nether regions”. (insert your own “hanging Chad” joke here) For good measure, Chad gets slammed into the doorway on his way out. He crosses the finish line in a rather impressive .59

All the pressure is on Frank and his silly facial hair. He makes a lame attempt at trash talking before he goes in. It’s so lame, that I won’t bother repeating it. It’s a bad sign. He gets spun around by the first dog, and struggles a bit with the next 2. Dog #4 is having a huge day and makes another big tackle. Maybe the Bengals should sign him. Frank is slowed again on his way out, and finishes in 1:15. It’s his turn for the walk of shame, and another failure for the city of Boston.

The Gas Chamber
The contestants have to stay in a room filled with CS gas for as long as possible. They are to let go of a button when they’ve had enough. The person with the shortest time goes home. Capital punishment, or silly game show stunt, you decide.

Billy goes first. The gas starts to leak outside, and we are treated to a rather humorous shot of the other contestants and crew running for cover. Hey, chemical agents are always fun, in fact they’re a gas. Billy holds on for 1:31 and comes out staggering, choking, and drooling (a lot like I do when leaving the local nudie bar).

Kate’s up next.
Rogan: “so, you got a blast of it in the face, how was it”?
(my mind quickly falls into the gutter as I channel Beavis…heh, heh, heh) She toughs it out for 1:34, and comes out with her eyes closed, coughing and spitting (I bet her boyfriend has seen this before).
Brandy goes next. All is fine until about a minute in, when she decides to “get giggy wit it” and does what appears to be some sort of freakish dance. We find out that she too is a spitter. As she comes out, attempting to hack up a lung, she’s in the lead at 1:49.

Chad closes this challenge out, and thinks it would be a good idea to talk trash while inside. He pays for that later, as he goes on to spit, gag, and choke his way to a time of 1:44.
That’s bad news for Billy, as he’s forced to take the long, lonely walk of shame.

Knight Rider Challenge (they didn’t have a name for it)
The finalists must drive a car up the ramp of a moving car carrier truck. The Truck will be traveling at 40mph, when the horn sounds the clock starts. The person with the fastest time wins. Sadly, David Hasselhoff is not here to demonstrate, and their stunt cars will not talk to them. I don’t really blame the cars for not talking, these people are kind of boring.

Chad goes first this time. He seems to think that his experience driving an ambulance will help him with this. Hey Chad, K.I.T.T. was a Trans Am, not an ambulance.
Chad handles his taxi-like stunt car like a pro, and makes it up the ramp and into position in 10 seconds.

Kate gets the next shot. She sees this as a mobile car wash, “just line it up, and drive on in”. A car wash at 40 MILES AN HOUR!?!?!? OK, whatever. She does a very nice job of lining it up and driving it in, but finishes in 13 seconds. Get to steppin’ woman.

Brandy has the last shot at the money, and lets us know that she needs to be quick and accurate. Well duh! Slow and steady only works if you’re a turtle. She does the “bad woman driver” stereotype justice by hitting the ramp at a bad angle, causing the right front and rear tires to slip off and leave her stranded. Up the ramp without a paddle, she’s all done.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Chad “hangs” on for the win. He is now 50 thousand dollars richer (before Uncle Sam gets a hold of him).

To contact the author, send your mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com