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Bachelor Episode 5 Recap - "Fairy Tales", by Enygma
Ok who stole Aaron’s friends? Are they still in the Playboy mansion or were they dispatched by Christi in a final fit of temper? I’m thinking maybe she Rip Van Winckle’d them and they’ll show in a hundred years or so. Either way, they are nowhere to be seen this episode.
Since “the friends” weren’t there to administer this weeks draft picks, personality tests taken before the show were used to determine game time for this week. Six girls - three individual ALONE dates, and a team date for the rest. The girls don’t know who gets the goods, until the now tiresome date-box shows up on the front door step.
Heather is madly scanning the neighborhood for every delivery truck, but luckily the usual production assistant told the girls the prize was out there. Heather pushes the rest out of the way to retrieve the box and surprise it’s for Heather. I think everyone in the production now is afraid Heather will kick their ass, and that’s why she has the first date. Sorry Aaron, we tried to protect you from the other nutbar, but you’re on your own with this one buddy. She has threatened everyone.
Poor Aaron, in the confessional beforehand whines “she’s gonna try and kiiiiiss me” You can hear him in the background “I don’t wanna gooooooo”, “You can’t make me goooooo”, “Mommy where are you?”
Aaron you stupid turnip , that’s the second time you’ve given a psycho a Rose AFTER you knew they were few fish short of an aquarium. Suck it up.
Heather says “oh my prince is here”. The production assistants snicker, “just wait” they whisper.
Luckily the first part of the date is at a spa with two other attendants in the same airspace so Aaron’s off the hook for now. They get naked and get massaged. This excites Heather, as Aaron shows off a nice set of shoulders if I do say so myself. Naughty bits are tactfully covered in massive amounts of toweling. Ho Hum and that’s Aaron’s reaction as he falls asleep. Heather grabs his hand and wakes him up. Sleepily Aaron crawls into the hot tub and promptly almost falls asleep again. Uh Heather are you getting any clues from this? No I didn’t think so. She wraps her legs around him and tries again. Wassup says Aaron . Oh Jeez, I yell at the TV, you better stay awake, or Heathers gonna drown you. What follows are comical his and hers confessionals: Heather – can’t describe the feeling :Aaron-I don’t feel anything: Heather - I can picture the picket fence, my huge house , my kids and their Nannies, my Mercedes and driver, my unlimited charge cards, my pool boy.: Aaron – god- get this witch outta, here I mean gag me. Is this ever going to end? Heather – pinch me to wake me up: Aaron – pinch me to keep from screaming.
Date ends uneventfully, with Heathers panties firmly in place.
Next date is a real extravaganza. They must have hired Spielberg to co-ordinate this Cinderella remake.Production assistants are laughing openly at Heather.
Gwen gets makeup, glass slippers (size large- but shhhh), a Cinderella dress, and a hairdresser to hide her forehead .They use a saavy bangs and a vintage diamond tiara combo. It works, as she looks really good.
Brooke says she’s jealous, Helene says she’s making her scrub the toilet with her toothbrush on her return, and Heather‘s head explodes on the couch. Cackling is heard. Aaron shows up looking pretty presentable (damn that’s how they keep getting me, Alex was so easy to laugh at no matter what he wore) Aaron is of course amazed at the special effects department, and puts off the forehead memory as an optical illusion. He should clue by the animatronics staff trailing them all night but then- Its Aaron. They step outside into a lighted coach stolen from the Scwartzman wedding down the road. It’s a quick ride and the drivers getting double tips YAY! Aaron is digging her so much he’s hallucinating. He says he can see her as his wife. Oh my god Aaron what about the kids?- That forehead , and in case you didn’t notice she’s not a natural blonde. Your kids could look like Frankenstein. All of a sudden Gwen backs off and says “you are hard to read “. Translated, this means how many banks do you have, and surely you don’t expect me to be cookin chicken soup in this getup. They end the date by trading really bad quotes from motivational speakers. Somehow this makes Aaron say he “melted.” I figure it must be the fumes from the industrial strength hairspray they had to use. Gwen’s panties are also firmly in place. Aaron couldn’t find them under the 100 yards of fabric in the dress.
The team date is a boat ride. This thrills Brooke and Hayley as they immediately start taking seasick pills and haul out the barfbags. Hayley is additionally thrilled; as this is the second bikini date she’s been assigned, and is still pissed she forgot to get her boobs done. Angela is nonchalant as this is better than a one on one, she thinks she gets to eliminate two in one date ha ha ha, and she smirks. The Boat is laughingly called the Mojo. Like Austin powers in the second movie, someone stole Aaron’s mojo this ep, as he hasn’t bagged one pair of panties. Aaron spends most of the boat ride talking to Angela, who really SEEMS to be nice. She’s using her secret Missouri powers to gain unfair advantage over Aaron. The date ends with me wondering what happened to Brooke and Hayley. People keep disappearing in this episode…. Oh right they’re puking off the back deck. That’s too much reality for this show. Go watch Survivor if you want to watch pretty girls throw up.
Last single date is Helene. They ran out of cash after hiring Spielberg, so Helene has to settle for Aaron cooking a couple of tiny kabobs. My kids ate bigger kabobs than that in kindergarten. Maybe this is Old Mother Hubbard since we seem to have a Fairy Tale theme here. Cocktail kabobs and wine. They watch a slide show from both of their family’s. Talk about a cheap freakin date after Gwen’s .Helene is crazy from lack of food, and upset how shoddy a date they gave her. She rakes Aaron over the coals with – you guessed it QUESTIONS. Crap and they aren’t even simple ones. Funny conversation though: Aaron – Why didn’t you leave like you threatened? Helene – I figured whenever you acted like a jerk I’d leave. If I don’t think I can win I’m outta here buster. Aaron slinks off in the corner then comes back with a plan. Oh Helene, want to come in the hot tub? He sneaks a laugh, as the Hot tub has been his scoring machine. At first she looked like she’d rather bath the dog, but then warmed up a bit as Aaron was seen trading tonsils. Suddenly its over, and no panty check needed as there’s no way Helene was having any of that. Aaron knows if he goes for it, she might not even wait for the ceremony to escape. Poor Aaron- no mojo, no panties. Not a very successful group of dates and he still has to do a rose ceremony.
The Rose party starts with really cheesy music. Almost like the standard porn soundtrack boom chicka boom, but Aaron isn’t “up” for that kind of on camera performance. Aaron starts with the familiar Blah Blah it’s hard to choose, he can understand Alex now. See, I said at the beginning the true colors would come out. He repeats again, if they don’t like me- they can walk out .He is really freaked that it might happen again. Good girl Helene you’ve got him trained already. Maybe you are wife material. The Vibe in the room is very Cinderellaish, so of course, he has conversation with each girl in depth except for Gwen. Their convo was something like
“Nice Date” “um Yeah” we know she’s got a rose sewn up. It’s the theme of the show.
First up is wicked stepmother Heather –“ you really want me more than that little Bama tart. You were molded for me”. Aaron realizes he is getting the sell job and ignores her – she is so not getting a rose.
Brooke-“ I know I’m only 22” Heather has repeated that mindlessly over and over to her all week. Aaron tells her that’s ok; he’s looking forward to meeting her family. Brooke makes mental note, crap I’d better spill about real daddy’s incarceration. She has a rose sewn up too.
Helene- This girl has really strange eyebrows that freak me out when I look at her. Aaron says he wants to know her better, and then says privately he fells bruised and battered after he talks to her. It’s clear he is giving his third psycho mercy rose, because he doesn’t want her trotting out. That would force him to giving another mercy psycho rose to Heather.
Angela – I don’t know her says Aaron .Then she says her daddy wants to know if this is all legal. He’s a Missouri boy, so we know she has a rose because he’s afraid Daddy will come a hunting.
Hayley – Aaron doesn’t know her, she’s complicated. Uh oh ,we know Aaron doesn’t like complicated. Her non rose status is further con firmed at the" I won’t need an ambulance" speech.
See I knew the rose girls before the ceremony. Aaron gives his" I feel so lucky, but I’m heartbroken" speech. Probably heartbroken because he didn’t get lucky .
Helene- she gets it first so she doesn’t dash
Gwen- still has her forehead covered
Angela- The fugliest retro boogie dress I’ve seen in a while
Brooke- Lamaze breathing to calm herself
See I knew, and it was no surprise.
All of a sudden Hayley starts into the "I wouldn’t want this to happen to my worst enemy", and then Heather…. Whaaaaats Wrooooong with meeeeeeeeeeeee. I feeeel like a Freeeeeek. Annoying as hell, but at least no ambulances called.
Brooke then spills about daddy in prison. That’s ok says Aaron- Shit Shit he’s thinking. I have to go to her house now. They’ll find out I have banks. Oh is MY daddy gonna be pissed.
Watch next week when Baby Bama’s brother goes hunting Missouri squirrel.
Last edited by eny; 10-30-2002 at 10:02 AM.
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