WANTED: Dictionary. Thesaurus. Rulebook. Please contact Heather or Eve at 1-800-dumb-ass. Willing to whine and beg until you just throw the book toward us. May be forced to block your mode of transportation until one of the above books is handed over.
Thanks to Bravo for looking it up, as I was confused: From the Merriam Webster dictionary:
a : to move along on foot : advance by steps b : to come or go easily or readily c : to go on foot for exercise or pleasure d : to go at a walk
Harvard, Harvard, Harvard… How will you ever live this down?

We start tonight’s episode with shots of the teams mingling at the Pit stop. They get to eat, drink and be merry. I don’t care. I want to see them race.
Tonights leg of the race has the teams:
Leaving the castle in Scotland and walking (if confused please see definition above), to the Stonehaven Harbor to find the next clue in a bottle.
Flying to Porto Portugal and finding their way to the Calem Port Winery
There they find the Detour. Teams must decide whether to go Old School Word up! Or: New School Sup with the whack stick shift? Teams must deliver either one barrel of wine by boat or 6 crates of wine by truck.
Receive the next clue which sends them to the Roadblock (Not to be confused with Eve this week. There a team member must successfully defend the gaol against a penalty kick delivered by a Portuguese Teenager. One who has undoubtedly been playing Futbol for at least 20 years
Walk…( ehem, if you are a Harvard graduate, and are having trouble with this, please refer to the definition above… again) to the Pit Stop located 1 ½ miles away at the Torre De Belem. The last team to arrive will face Philimination.

Derek and Drew 10:56pm
Guy’s, seriously, I gave you good advice a couple weeks ago… DITCH the picnic table shirts… please. Either these two own lots of picnicwear or they have ripped the sleeves off there other shirts, in an attempt to fool us into thinking they own more clothes than they really do. They walk to the harbor and find the clue. These two decided to stay on the road, which put them at the harbor behind a couple of the other teams, but with the other brothers, Ken and Gerard. They read the clue and the four of them decide to book a flight from a pay phone, so that all the flights won’t be full upon their arrival at the airport.
They still seem to be in their own little world, even as K and G go on and on about how the other teams hate the twins, D and D continue to smile. Thinking about puppets and lollypops no doubt. They are digging the alliances being formed. Both the one they have with the bros, and the one against them. It makes them want to compete harder.
They arrive in London along with 6 other teams, but have booked a flight to Germany then to Portugal , which will get them there a good 25 minutes early. They will have negative 5 minutes to make their connection. They are confidant.
After begging the ticket agent in Germany to hold the plane, they do manage to arrive in Portugal first, with only one other team. They hop in a cab to the Winery and decide to go ahead and do it “Old School” Sup Sup? They manage to get their barrel on the boat and actually enjoy rowing. The one twin… his name begins with D carried the 90 pound (weight, not money) barrel up the ramp and to the restaurant for delivery. They are still WAY ahead of all but one of the teams and share their bright pearly whites with the world. I honestly see a “Crest White Strips” commercial in their future. If not that, they can play Mary Kate and Ashleys Father and Uncle in “The Twins Go To Portugal”.
They are rightfully bummed out at the train station, as this turns out to be this weeks GREAT EQUALIZER.
Their cab luck continues as many other teams pass them on the way to the Roadblock. Upon arriving at the Futbol stadium Drew takes position as Goalie. The teenage Pele makes some awesome shots, but then gets blinded as Drew smiles at him, thus messing up his perfectly positioned kick and allowing Drew to block it.
They hustle off and walk to the pitstop. They arrive…………

Ken and Gerard 10:58pm
Being an entire minute behind the Wonder Twins didn’t dampen their spirits in the least! They managed to read the clue correctly and walked with the twins to the first clue. Gerard made the call for tickets on behalf of both teams. Apparently it is good luck to rub your balding head while making reservations as they get a great flight plan to Portugal.
I must say that it surprised me, after their many near drownings in Scotland that these two decided to go for another boat ride and chose “Old School”. Ken, Gerard… I hear that the local college is looking for new members for their Crew team. I can see you two making it. Just practice for another 20 or 30…. Years
They admit that the “rowing ain’t easy” and that they were secretly hoping for a Viking ship. Ken (I really don’t know, and I should by now, but whatever, I’m a loser) rolls the barrel up the ramp and all the way to the restaurant. They are working their butts off. They get to the train station only to be bummed by the GREAT EQUALIZER. They admit that they are enjoying their alliance with the twins, but will drop it in seconds to benefit themselves. They are a couple of smart cookies… or they ate a couple of smart cookies… I’m not sure.
Ken jumps off the train and runs. All I can think of is “Run Kennest RUN”. He really is a cutie though.
At the Roadblock it is again Ken to the rescue. I am thoroughly impressed with his goal keeping abilities. (Futbol games routinely have scores in the 20’s right?)
They walk to the pit stop and arrive………

Flo and Zach 10:59
Flo’s advice to Zach is to just “stop and think” He has no idea what he is supposed to think about at this point. Walk to the Calem Port Lodge… not a lot to think about. Maybe Flo went to HARVARD and needs to define walk? Zach admits that it has been hard on him to “maintain Flo” and that the friendship is “stressed”.
Flo’s strategy at this point is to wait for the twins to mess up. That is always a good strategy. I’m sure that’s what all great Generals say before war “Captain, if you would just wait for them to screw up, we’d be fine”…
Zach found a path leading down to the harbor and he and Flo found the clue first. At least .00784 seconds before the teams following them. They find their way to a pay phone and also make reservations to Portugal by phone.
This pair decides to play it “New School” and proceed to load the bed of the truck with crates of whine… no that would be wine, my bad… the cab of the truck was filled with whine.
They arrive at the second restaurant at about the same time as two other teams, and manage to at least play a part in the most frustrating moments of the episode… well frustrating for Damon and Andre, quite amusing for me
Seeing that Zach didn’t go to HARVARD he manages to drive the truck to the last stop and get the next clue.
These two are happy to meet up with the other teams at the train station.
At the roadblock, Zach takes charge, and with the help of his hair manages, finally, to block a goal. The teenager was heartily laughing after his first five “gimmes” went sailing by, so finally rolled the ball to Zach.
They walk to the pitstop and arrive………

Aaron and Arianne 11:00pm
They head off to the next clue. They are climbing a flight of stairs, and I realize I’m in for a long night, when Arianne starts singing “up and down, up and down” They were NOT on a stairmaster. They follow Zach (‘cause they like to think outside the box) and get to the clue in good time.
Aaron wanders through the streets of Scotland calling for help (in the worst Scottish accent EVER… at least I think that’s what he was going for: “Help, we need help” pause for .078128764 of a second “I thought the people in Scotland were supposed to be nice” whine, cry, sniffle. Honey it is nearing midnight, people in Scotland are not out in the streets….. they are in bars, where any respectable Scott would be right now! Come on, loser!
Arianne opens her mouth. I’ll bet you a million dollars you don’t know what she said. “Those two twins are awesome competitors. I sure do wish them luck”…is what I would be saying… if she could actually form a NON anti-twin thought. Unfortunately it is not possible.
They get the clue and make it to the airport. They take the “safe fligh” because they heard it was out of the black box.
On the plane they spend their time dissin’ the brothers (Not Andre and Damon, you know). All four of them are now on the A&A hit list. “The brothers suck” “We hate the brother” “The twins are evil” “Down with them all” “We hope they miss the connecting flight” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Guy’s you are SO NOT funny!
They get to see Teri and Ian at the airport and because they find Ian to be a loud obnoxious pig who gives Americans a bad name, these two are now also on the “list” .
They go for the “Old School ” and load their barrel on the boat. Aaron informs Arianne that Teri and Ian are right there with them Arianne actually looks around on their boat. Yes dear they are really right here with you. Losers.
Luckily they get a great cabbie who knows a short cut to the futbol field. Unluckily “short cut” in Portuguese means “the long way”
They are the last two to arrive at the field and Arianne takes on the roadblock for the team. She lets us know twice that she is too short. I might have bought it if any of the shots had been high they were all low. Aaron flip flops between whining that they have lost, to actually yelling out supportive comments. As they walk to the pit stop he says “good job Arianne, but we’re done”
They arrive………
Heather and Eve 11:01pm
The race ignites Heather. She told us. It has the opposite affect on Eve. Heather told us.
They are following Zach and Flo to the clue, and Heather wonders aloud “Is this really where we should be going? Off the beaten road”. Yes, the beaten road. Hmmm, maybe it is me, I’m a countrified chick…. Maybe out here we call it the beaten path because we actually have paths??
These tow are pretty boring. For the first half of the leg. They follow along and get on the safe flight. They wind up at the winery with many other teams.
I could have heard the following conversation if it had taken place:
Eve I have an idea
Heather WHAT? YOU? IDEA?
Eve yeah, and it’a a good one
Heather Ooooohhhhhh, do tell
Eve Since I can’t drive a regular car in the United States where I know my way around and learned all the rules and stuff, let alone a stick shift in a country I’ve never been in before…. Lets do “NEW SCHOOL” and DRIVE
Heather OK!
So they get in the truck and off they go!
Heather You want to be in first
Eve Can you find it for me?
Heather OK
Heather Step on the brake, step on the brake
Eve Can you find it for me
They somehow manage to get themselves to one of the stores and drop off the order. They get back into their cars as mothers yell “As crianças, rapidamente... descem as ruas” (“Children quickly… get off the streets)
Eve Where is the next stop
Heather behind us
Eve OK, so I’ll keep going forward then
Heather No go backwards
Eve But I just found first
Heather UHG
They find their way and get right in front of Andre and Damon, who have just finished this portion of the detour.
Eve looking in the OPEN/ NOT COVERED BED of the truck I see the wine, but I can’t get it out.
Heather Geordi, release the main shields.
DorA (Damon or Andre, I still can’t tell which is which) help them with the bottles.
Eve is mighty proud of the fact that she got DorA to carry the wine for them. Giggle, Giggle, laugh, smirk. Smug little bitch.
They are off for the last stop. Heather spots the restaurant and points it out to Eve.
Eve OK, I’m going forward now.
Eve See, this is why I didn’t want to go forward
That is what was said. I swear. It has left me in a state of confusion.
People are laughing “ Ridículo não guiar bimbo Americano bate num polo” (“Silly non driving American bimbo hit a pole”)

They walk the wine in, and Eve finds it necessary to tell the owner of the restaurant that she crashed the truck. She found it necessary to tell him 12 times. He didn’t care.
They see Damon and Andre at the train station and ask if they are in last place. DorA informs them that there is no last place as ALL the teams are here. Eve asks if other teams are here. Yes, it went in that order.
They get off the train, and like many HARVARD graduates, they believe that Portuguese is the same as Spanish. They proceed to yell at the cabbie “RAP EEE DOH” Not sure it would have mattered if they did know Portuguese, as I’m sure that “Rapidamente” would have sounded like “RAP EEED AY MEN TEE”. The cabbie gets them there anyway, ignoring their rude ignorance.
At the Roadblock Heather takes charge. Of course. God forbid Eve do anything {other than drive naturally).
After a few half hearted attempts at stopping the ball, the teen boy feels sorry for her and lobs a few easy ones her way. She finally blocks a shot and they head off for the clue.

Hey, lets grab a cab!
Harvard Tuition is: $24,320.00 (That does NOT include $3,891 worth of other fees…. $750 of which is… I kid you not… an acceptance fee)
Northern Virginia Community College Tuition is: $44.00 per credit. (That does NOT include $3.83 in other charges) You could take English 101 for under $50.00

Yes, these two HARVARD GRADUATES read the clue. They read it three or four times. They STOPPED the cab. They told the cabbie to keep going. The cabbie thought : “Ande à próxima parada de fossa es Ande à próxima parada de fossa” (“Walk to the next pit stop is walk to the next pit stop) Then he chuckled, and kept driving.
Since they drove to the next pit stop everyone knows they arrive………

Micheal and Kathy 11:13pm

Kathy informs us that Mike is a type C and she’s a type A personality. She’s hoping they become a Type C. Ahhh, that’s sweet dear. It won’t happen.
They walk to the first clue. Since they are about 15 minutes behind the other teams, they are alone at the port. Luckily they find a young Scott who is leaving one bar, and going to another. They ask to use his phone and even offer him a few pounds to do so. He refuses the money saying “Eh phain caa is free, It's mah moms phain.” (“the phone is free, it’s my moms phone”) This, of course causes me to give my kids the quick evil eye. It also causes Kathy to smile.
ALERT****ALERT**** Kathy CAN smile! Woo Hoo.
They too are on the safe flight to Portugal. They are the last two to leave the airport. In Portugal, as in Scotland, and Mexico, it is an unwritten rule among cabbies :If you pick up a couple named Michael and Kathy, you MUST get lost.
They get to the detour quite some time after the leading teams, but Michael turns out to be a wise one. Knowing that he may not be able to drive well in a foreign country, he suggests “Old School” and they head off for the boat.
Michael This is me sweating, Now I gotta row a boat? This ain’t no Nursery rhyme”

No, Michael, it’s a folk song.

EVERYBODY: Michael row the boat ashore alleluia, Michael row the boat ashore allelu—ooo---ya

They make up a lot of time, and in fact get to the train station ahead of other teams. You know, teams that are busy crashing their trucks…

They get a cab, and must have not mentioned their names, as they make good time to the Roadblock. Michael dons the goalie shirt.
He blocks the goal on his second attempt due to his “cat like reflexes’. Just for the record, most cats I’ve met would run from a futbol being kicked toward them, making them notoriously bad goalies.
They read the clue (I can only assume they spent $100.00 on English classes) and they walk to the pit stop. They arrive…….

John Vito and Jill 1:59am
This is going to be one short paragraph. They are nice to each other, respectful, encouraging….. Boring TV I guess. We just don’t get to see a lot of them. They get the frst clue, and seem excited about Portugal. They get on the safe flight, and get a good cab. They make the deliveries “New School” with Jill driving. Since she does a good job, we really don’t get to witness much. On the train, they seem to distance themselves from the “Twin hating Pack” and enjoy the ride. John Vito takes the roadblock for his team and dives after the balls. Finally blocking a goal. This is the segment that wins him the
“Hey, they named the episode after me” award for his excited “Did you see how I stopped it??? With my face” statement.
Jill’s response: “Yeah, you did great”
They hustle to the pit stop and arrive………

Andre and Damon 5:26am
being hours behind the main teams has lit a fire under these two. Unfortunately instinct kicks in and our resident firefighter puts out the flames. They seam to meander toward the first clue, and wander around Scotland looking for a phone. They find a nice gentleman to make a call for them and they get a great flight out. DorA notices (with his surveillance binoculars) that Teri and Ian are getting a cab, and they are bummed as they realize they are definitely in last place now.
They, of course wind up in Portugal at the same time as all but two teams and are feeling good. They are finally on equal footing.
Feeling confidant that they can drive through the streets of Portugal without incident, these two opt for “New School”. DorA decides to carry 3 crates of wine at a time, and drops one on the street behind the truck. This doesn’t slow him down, and he quickly gets a replacement. After delivering their first shipment (car-ment? This is “New School”) they get the required signature and directions to the next stop. A beautiful woman tells them where they need to go, then an average looking gentleman starts to tell them that “they have to…..” DorA finds it a good idea to cut him off. Hmmmm, I do believe that maybe they should have listened. They speed off to the next stop. Unfortunately this is the FINAL stop in the detour, and has to be visited last. The gentleman tells them they can leave the wine, but they can not get the signature or clue until they deliver the remaining crates.
They get to the second to last stop only to get blocked in by Heather and Eve and Flo and Zach. DorA is not a happy camper. He is telling Eve to move the truck, which she just can’t possibly do without help removing and delivering their wine. DorA grudgingly obliges with the request, only to get stuck behind them on the streets of Portugal.
Andre complains that Eve can’t drive “Hello, Captain Obvious”.
He warns the people in the streets, who shout out: “Obrigado capitão óbvio, nós ser tão burro, podíamos’figura de t isso para fora” (“Thank you captain Obvious, we are so stupid, we couldn’t figure that out”). Damon warns Andre about a tight spot in the road. Andre says, he didn’t go to HARVARD, therefore he CAN drive.
At the Roadblock Damon kicks into high gear and performs well. They walk to the pit stop and arrive………

Teri and Ian 5:28am
They realize they are in the back of the pack. Ian seems to be in high spirits as he and Teri sing on their way to the first clue. Ian wonders how they will get to Portugal. Teri informs him they will have to fly. I am beginning to suspect that Ian went to HARVARD too, or is currently a Professor there. They call their old buddy old pal from the night before, and he helps them to make flight reservations and get a cab to the airport. They can hardly contain their excitement at being “back in the thick of it” and all “Caught up” with the other teams. I am beginning to feel as though there is hope for these two.
Upon arriving in Portugal Ian informs us that he will “get ugly if he has too”. This frightens me, as I realize he has no idea how ugly he has already been. He goes running through the airport yelling “TAXI TAXI” it would have been rude any way you looked at it, but to assume that everyone in PORTUGAL speaks ENGLISH and WANTS to help the AMERICAN…. rude squared.
They make the decision to go “Old School” and Teri then wants to put the barrel in the truck. Wants to know why Ian is going toward to boat. “Old School, Teri read the clue…. Old School”. I am disturbed once again, as the term “Old School” was funny enough coming out of Phil… to hear Ian yell it is frightening.
They wind up making quick work of the delivery, and although they are extremely (and rightfully) exhausted, they haul ass (Not to be confused with Teri “Hauling” the “Ass” from an earlier episode) to the train station. Ian is positively giddy as he realizes they are now ALL together in the race. It invigorates him. It is his Viagra.
Teri and Ian are obviously taking turns on the roadblocks. Although I think he is definitely more suited for this one, I don’t think it is a good strategy over all. They arrived at the futbol field at the same time as one other team, but Ian kicks butt, and defends his goal. He then turns into Navy Seal Drill Instructor Man and HOO HAWS at Teri. GO. WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW. RUN. GO. GO. GO.
He slightly redeems himself as they cross the bridge toward the pit stop, with an “I love you” but then spoils it, as he follows it up with a “HURRY UP”
They really have done well. They have competed in a very taxing leg of the race with teams that would seem to be much better suited for the job. The Arrive………

The Pit Stop
order of arrival followed by where they started this leg of the race in parenthesis

1st Heather and Eve (5)
2nd Ken and Gerard (2)
3rd Flo and Zach (3)
4th Derek and Drew (1)
5th Andre and Damon (8)
6th Teri and Ian (9)
7th John Vito and Jill (7)
8th Michael and Kathy (6)

Meaning that Aaron and Arianne are last.
They are not, however Philiminated quite yet.
Aaron and Arianne and heather and Eve are hauled in front of Phil, like kids smiking in the bathroom are hauled to the principal. Phil goes on to explain to them what is going on. Heather and Eve cheated. Their stupid non bar passing asses couldn’t find a loop hole, and they are actually penelized 37 minutes. With a total of 31 minutes separating the teams, this means that Heather and Eve are out. Aaron and Arianne are safe for another week!

The Arrival sequence revisited:

1st Ken and Gerard (2)
2nd Flo and Zach (3)
3rd Derek and Drew (1)
4th Andre and Damon (8)
5th Teri and Ian (9)
6th John Vito and Jill (7)
7th Michael and Kathy (6)
8th Aaron and Arianne (4)

Tune in Next week when we get to hear Portuguese sailor man tell Ian, “ Desculpe-me senhor, aqui nós dizemos Deus Abençoar Portugal” (“Excuse me sir, here we say God Bless Portugal”)