Sexy evil genius
Survivor 5: Paulie's Precaps - Episode 6: The Tower of Ones
So we meet again, my friend. I am understandably delighted to see you. I've become quite fond of our weekly get-togethers. As you can see, I've prepared a hearty snack for you today. I know it's your favorite. Now please sit down so we can get started. The hazy images in my cracked crystal ball are leaping together and forming visible patterns that I alone can interpret. In fact, I can see the actual name of the sixth episode of Survivor:Thailand. Yes, it's quite clear to me now. Listen now to what will take place in:
The Tower of Ones
It's the morning after the fifth Tribal Council, and the mood at Sook Jai camp is subdued. It's never pleasant to boot a tribemate, even a sickly, dour shrew who hates your guts and spends all day in her sandy burrow, sulking and eating sand balls. Granted, it's quite a bit easier to boot such a person, but it can still sting, like being slapped on the cheek by an exceedingly weak person whose heart isn't really into it. At any rate, the tribe is going about their daily chores. Penny's doing her calisthenics while waiting for a pot of water to come to a boil. Ken and Erin are off gathering even more water. Jake's up on the roof with a bundle of palm fronds, applying the finishing touches to the shelter. Shii Ann is rubbing old chicken bones against a palm tree and licking the scrapings off the tree with her tongue. And the Director of Chicken Discipline is loudly dressing down his charges after another fruitless evening of attempted egg-laying. "All right, which one of you dudes didn't lay any eggs?! And don't give me any lip!"
Shii Ann pauses from her bone-scouring to rattle off Robb's mistakes one by one. "They're hens. None of them laid eggs. And chickens don't have lips; they have beaks."
Further enraged at being publicly corrected, Robb turns to the chickens and screams, "All right! Which one of you hen dudes didn't even try to lay eggs?! And no beaking off at me, either!" Jake jumps down from the shelter and saunters genially past Robb. "Jake!" Robb cries. "Dude, let's kill another one of these punk-ass chickens! They didn't lay any eggs, and now they're sassing back at me. I don't know how they can lip off without actually having lips, but I can tell they think I'm an idiot."
Jake pushes his hat up with one finger. "Awhell, ah wuzon geh me summat ere layves. Ain gah tayuma rang no bardz nayeck. Gotdam." Translation: "Unfortunately, I have urgent need of more leaves for the shelter. Killing the chicken will have to wait."
Robb crouches down and stares into the pen as the chickens stand there and peck their own toes. "This is so not over," he promises them in his best Darth Skater voice. "You guys think you're so smart, but one of you is not being truthful. We'll see which one of us winds up in the pot first." He stalks off, secretly hoping he has what it takes to back up that last threat. The tribe's pot doesn't seem big enough to fit an entire person.
Meanwhile, over at Chuay Gahn, some of the tribe is trying to figure out a way to address the current water dilemma. Betsy the Boat took off for parts unknown a few nights ago, and the tribe's water supply is in a neighboring country. The options appear to be swimming to and from the water hole from now on or swimming out into the open sea to try and locate the wayward craft. "Or," Clay suggests in a soft and conspiratorial voice, "we capture a Red Beret and force him to do our bidding."
Ted and Helen look at each other with raised eyebrows. Sure, the tribe has seen several wild Red Berets roaming free in the jungle, grazing on tree bark and converting palm trees into free-standing wooden sculptures with their machetes. But catching one of them would be a different story altogether. Wild Red Berets are skittish and alert, and they're lightning-fast when threatened. Securing one would not be easy. Finally, Ted speaks. "What'd you have in mind, Clay?"
The three spend the next hour in "A-Team" mode, constructing an elaborate snare contraption, complete with a net made of large vines. They set the trap in the middle of one of the well-known Red Beret trails that criss-cross the dense jungle behind their camp. High-fiving one another, they return to camp to await the capture of their quarry. As they anxiously loiter around the campfire and listen for the "Schproing!" of the snare, Helen, having used up all her Christmas ditties, regales the two men with some of her favorite Easter yodels. Clay and Ted grin broadly and bob their heads in time to the catchy beat.
Suddenly, the trap is loudly sprung! Simultaneously, a woman screams. The three excited Survivors scramble to their feet and sprint into the trees. They can hardly dare to hope that they've actually captured a female Red Beret. They're far more rare, and, of course, much more ferocious. When the Chuay Gahn trio finally arrive, they look up at the net suspended high above the trail and immediately look away again in horror. Helen's body is immediately racked with dry heaves after viewing the horrific scene above her.
Tangled within the net are the naked, writhing bodies of Brian and Jan. Gravity is giving Jan a savage working-over. Her saggy body parts droop out of the net in multiple locations, like thick pancake batter poured into a colander. His curiosity finally overcoming his initial horror, Ted looks up again to see Brian scowling down at him. Brian isn't so much embarrassed at the situation as he is angry that the rest of his tribe gets to see the goods without paying the price of admission. Clay is the first to break the silence. "Damn, you two! Does this mean y'all have an alliance?"
After freeing the pair from the trap and quickly resetting it, the group runs off to the Reward Challenge. They arrive just in time to see Jeff slapping Robb upside the head for no obvious reason. On either side of Jeff are two giant crates of fish and four smaller buckets. "Hm, this looks familiar," Helen says.
"Today's Challenge is a sorting race," Jeff begins. He quickly looks back and forth between each tribe before bursting out in laughter. "No, of course, I'm kidding. Come on! That would obviously be incredibly stupid and boring. Give us some credit!" Mark Burnett hangs upside-down from a passing cloud and angrily delivers the double-bird salute behind Jeff's back. "Actually, you will be burying four of your tribe members up to the neck in each of these small buckets. First team to do so wins this traditional Thai feast." He turns sideways and opens his arms in a gesture of invitation. Behind him is a low, long table that's lavishly decorated with beautiful golden Thai table-decorating thingies. At each end of the table is a covered silver platter. Jeff approaches one of the platters and dramatically lifts the lid, revealing a savory mountain of fresh-cooked beans. A cascade of beans spills seductively over the sides of the plate and splatters deliciously onto the tablecloth. The Survivors drool like sleeping college students in a boring lecture.
After once again banishing Ken to the sidelines to ensure even teams, Jeff begins the challenge with the traditional switch-which-arm-is-in-the-air motion. Immediately, all of the Sook Jais except Shii Ann leap into the nearest bucket. "Hurry, Dude!" Robb cries. "Bury us!" Shii Ann struggles to carry as many fish as she can to her teammates.
Meantime, Ted the computer guy has determined the most efficient way to bury four teammates with fish and has outlined the strategy for his teammates. The smallest tribe member, Clay, climbs into the first pot and is buried by the other four. The next smallest, Jan, then climbs into the next pot and is buried by the other three. And so on until Ted alone works to bury Brian.
Seeing the Thai bean feast slipping away before his eyes, Robb becomes irate. "Dammit, Shii Ann!" he screams. "Why don't you do what they're doing?!"
Predictably, Sook Jai is completely slaughtered in the Challenge. The disheartened Sook Jai take a last lingering look at the merry Chuay Gahn enjoying their bean bonanza before slinking back to camp. Robb steps up to console his teammates: "Don't worry, Dudes. We're still kicking their ass."
Later, the swollen Chuay Gahn make a noisy, smelly return to their camp. The Thai bean feast was indeed a worthy reward. The tribe feels lethargic and looks forward to a sound sleep in the cave. They'll need their rest for the big Immunity Challenge the next day. But as they stumble along the trail, they stomp right through their Red Beret trap and are immediately hauled into the air en masse. The tribe will pass a sleepless "Blazing Saddles campfire scene" night in the net before their trusty pal, Magilla, finally shows up to free them with his razor-sharp monkey teeth.
Haggard and tired, the Chuay Gahn once again show up at the last possible minute before the Immunity Challenge. Jeff is standing in front of a narrow green tower that's at least thirty feet tall. "Today's Immunity Challenge recognizes the Thai culture's important contributions in the area of money laundering," Jeff says. "Most folks don't realize that some of the greatest advances in the field of money laundering have taken place here in Thailand. And, uh, that's all I'm going to say about that. Behind me is The Tower of Ones. It's a 32-foot-tall climbing tower, and we've stapled hundreds of dollar bills of all denominations onto it. Your job is to remove every single one-dollar bill from the tower and bring them to your tribe's treasure chest next to me. You may only bring ones to your treasure chest. Larger bills will be added to your opponent's chest. The tribe with the most money at the end wins Immunity. Everybody understand?"
Everyone nods, even Robb, who makes sure everyone else nods before he does. Sook Jai lobbies to leave Ken out of the Challenge again, but he must participate. Reluctantly, the tribe lets Shii Ann sit down and watch.
"Survivors ready? Go!"
Sook Jai attacks the Tower like a pack of wild dogs, ripping bills off by the handful and racing back willy-nilly to put them in their treasure chest. In a stunning development, Ted the computer guy has come up with a plan that he thinks will be more efficient. The Chuay Gahn form a human chain up the side of the Tower, with the guy with the biggest hands (Ted) at the bottom. The four other tribe members clean their segments of the Tower and pass the bills down to the person below them. When the last guy in the chain's hands are full, he runs the huge stack back to Jeff.
The disparate strategies actually seem to be very similar in execution. The piles of dough in each chest are nearly identical as the teams begin to reach the very pinnacle of The Tower of Ones. Then disaster strikes. "Robb!" Jeff yells. "This is not a one!"
"Like hell, bro!" Robb protests. "What's that?"
"It's a one, but it's got two zeroes behind it. You brought a C-note. It goes in Chuay Gahn's chest."
Fuming, Robb returns to the Tower. Minutes later, he comes back with another handful of cash.
"Robb! I sound like a broken record here! That's not a one."
"Is too! See?"
Jeff sighs. "That's a ten-dollar bill. Goes in Chuay Gahn's chest. And here's a five. What's up with that?"
Robb kicks the sand with his foot. "Thought I saw a one in the serial number," he mumbles.
By now, there are no more ones on the Tower. Jeff tallies the scores and discovers that Chuay Gahn wins by $113. Robb's mistakes were fatal. Sook Jai will be heading to Tribal Council again.
That night, Robb tries to stay in the game by filling out seven voting sheets with "She An" on them when it's his turn to vote. Jeff ferrets out his clever strategy, though, and Robb is evicted from the game in a 5-1 vote. When Jeff summons him to the front to have his torch extinguished, though, Robb does not move. "Dude, I'm not going anywhere," he says. "You're just trying to get me with rules. I'm still kicking ass. Rules suck." In the end, the rarely-seen Survivor bouncers show up and "gently" escort Robb out of the game.
And, with that, the visions have faded. Come back next week, and we'll learn together what will happen in Episode 7.
(Again, I checked the CBS web site after making my predictions. I have astounded myself yet again with the pinpoint precision of my predictions, as I'm sure you will be.
ON THE NEXT SURVIVOR
The offer of an incredible Thai feast brings tempers to a boil during a Reward Challenge.
Members of a secret alliance suspect that others are on to them.
Two tribe members get into a heated argument over truthfulness.)
Last edited by Paulie; 10-23-2002 at 05:37 PM.
When you're ten years old and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late. So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again. - Jack Handey
Read Paulie's Precaps for Survivor:Vanuatu: 1
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