Yoffy lifts a finger...
Survivor - "Hey Robb, feel like necking?" Episode 5 recap by Fluff
A rat, a bat, Clay wearing a hat, Ted getting less fat.
We’re at the Chuay camp, post TC.
Obviously Ted, the sexual predator was voted off.
Uh, he wasn’t.
Well Ghandia went, but at least she managed to get all the females to vote for Ted, the perv.
Uh, no, two of them voted for Clay.
Jan, what are you thinking?
The pigtails should get you voted off. The overalls should get you voted off.
The two together is a lethal combo, which I would have thought far worse than anything John ever did. Yet somehow, after three trips to TC, you’re still on the show.
I’m kind of scared of Jan, in the same way four year olds are scared of clowns.
There is something very sinister about her and her comedy backside.
Memo to Clay
Reasons Jan voted for you:
1) you’re short.
2) you’re annoying
3) you’re lazy
4) you’re short, annoying and lazy
Jan knows that Clay is the type of person that holds a grudge, he doesn’t “forgive and forgay-at”. So why vote for him then Jan? Why vote for “Kuhlaaaaaaayyyy” you big shoe wearing, tiny car driving, custard pie throwing freak?
You think Helen changed her vote do you? Is that what you think?
There were four votes for Ghandia. She can’t vote for herself now can she? And I assume you know who you voted for? That means the other four people had to vote for Ghandia - Einstein. Do you have to take your shoes off if you want to count to twenty Jan?
Helen doesn’t even care. The girls will think she betrayed them – ho hum.
Aha, all you people who thought Robb was dumber than poultry.
See how foolish you look now?
He told the rooster if he woke them up early in the morning he would be history and Jake with the assistance of Steph followed through on that threat.
Pot of boiling water.
Throw bird in pot of boiling water.
The Sooks get ready to chow down. No prayer Robb?
”Who’d have thought it ?” moment
Robb turns out to be quite Posh.
He proceeds to unfold a small mahogany tray table, drape it in a beautiful lace tablecloth, don his best smoking jacket and make witty repartee with his tribe mates as he nibbles on rooster canapé.
Shii Ann has her hand so far up the rooster I was expecting her to put on a puppet show.
Robb sits on disgusted as she eats “lungs, intestines, necks”.
Don’t tell me you guys ate a two-headed rooster. You could have made a killing at the circus where Jan does her jiggly ass act.
Shii Ann continues to pig out.
Does a chicken have lips? Did we ever get an answer to that question?
Well if it has them Shii Ann’s eating them.
She tries to entice Robb by swinging the neck seductively in front of him.
Not much going on in the food department over at CG.
So Brian and Ted decide to go fishing – well more like “waiting” really as they sit in the boat and hope the fish jump into their net.
Ted sits in the back of the boat thinking how great Brian looks from behind and thinks they have a “lot in common”. Indeed, they are both sex fiends.
Brian tells the camera he’s very “shark like”.
Hmm, I guess that was a big fin I saw when he was doing the backstroke.
Now, can you remember in the first episode of the series it took the massed ranks of the Chuay team to drag their sorry looking boat out of the water?
Pretty heavy then wouldn’t you think?
In which case it might be prudent not to tether this valuable asset to a popsicle stick using a shoelace.
Ted loves the boat, he loves it so much he’s decided to call it “Betsy” which the Red Berets told them is Thai for “swim to water source”.
They decide to leave the net in the boat. Excellent, both items safe as houses.
Back over at their camp the Sooks are feeling fit, full and frisky – time to go swimming.
Did you know that stingrays have underwater stationary supply shops?
Me either, but apparently they do. If you inadvertently step into their bargain bucket they give you a nasty paper cut.
His cries of pain totally ignored by his tribe mates, Robb stoically manages to fight his way onto the sanctuary of the beach. Apparently he so totally got bit. After a closer examination of the wound, I still say it’s a paper cut. Stephanie’s an EMT, yet she still stands round as clueless as the others as Robb writhes in pain.
Jake decides the best course of action is to plunge Robb’s foot into boiling hot water.
Sure, he’ll get burned, but it’ll take his mind off the “paper cut”.
We are reminded by Penny that due to all the nasty, scary things on the island the best bet is to probably just say a couple of words per episode like she does.
Welcome to Shii Ann’s World
The correct and only acceptable way to express pain is to simply say : “It hurts, yeah, ouch”.
Shii Ann says stingray paper cuts are really painful, so therefore they must be as Shii Ann is the smartest thing to ever hit this island.
Has she ever had a stingray slide a piece of paper across her flesh causing a small yet irritating wound? No. I’ve never poked myself in the eye with a rusty nail and I know that would hurt. So, I have determined that contrary to what Robb thinks Shii Ann does “know the f*#k” and does not have to get him any water.
It’s nightfall at Chuay Gahn, a hot, sultry July night.
So come on Helen, crank out a Christmas song.
As is par for the course with Helen, she sings it in double quick time.
The others forgive her shockingly inappropriate choice of song, clap along and provide backing vocals- they’re loving it. Oh yeah, her singing is floating their boat.
Uh guys, it’s floating your boat. Uh, your boat is floating away.
Day 14 Chuay Gahn.
Ted’s up first, and notices that “Betsy” is gone.
He tells Brian who temporarily forgets that Betsy is the “big orange monster”.
The big pink monster’s still there though eh Brian?
We get a mercifully understated reaction out of Helen, but for the most part no one really seems that bothered other than Clay. Even he’s more concerned with the fact that no one is else is blaming Ted. The reappearance of Magilla the monkey (side note: Magilla is a gorilla’s name people), gives Ted the opportunity to deflect any blame that might have been headed his way.
The Chuay’s are shrinking before our very eyes; they seem to get thinner as the show progresses.
While the Chuays are in the water searching for food we cut to a Clay confessional where he has a “Penny” moment and decides that the best way to combat his hunger pangs is to sit and talk about food.
He wants a burger and fries, would rather have that than sex, with Jan, but where would he find a burger and fries on the island? That just isn’t going to happen now is it?
Aha here comes Bozo. She calls out to her tribe mates and dogs in the nation go berserk. Apparently she’s got “may-ull”.
Cool, read it out then. She opens it up.
Clay What does it say?
Brian What does it say?
Ted What does it say?
Jan 20, 40, 60,
Clay What does it say?
Brian What does it say?
Clay What does it say?
Jan 300, I robbed a bay-ank (uh, wouldn’t you remember doing that?)
Clay I want to know what the note says.
Helen Yeah, what does the note say?
Jan 800, 1000 doll-uhs
Clay What does the note say?
She finally reads the poem, which clearly indicates a food auction.
Jan I’m outta here with the cash.
Remaining Chuay tribe members. Eff off then.
There are certain phrases that it was once considered marginally “cool” to say.
“See yah, wouldn’t wanna be yah”, ranks up there with the “loser sneeze” as one of those things that you just shouldn’t say anymore.
Saying it while dancing like Ma Clampett with a new recipe for possum never was and never will be acceptable.
We appear to have a ringside seat at the inaugural appearance of Jan’s total descent into madness.
Jiff Hi guys. Anyone wanna switch tribes? No? Ok then onto the auction.
Make a note of where you were when you witnessed the most anti-climactic moment in television history.
Geraldo somewhere in the depths of Afghanistan breathes huge sign of relief as his “Al Capone’s safe” thing is sent hurtling from the top of the chart.
Shii Ann wanted to – she hates her tribe. Stephanie thought she should – but didn’t, Helen considered it- and thought “nah”, Jan just loves her “tray-abe”.
First item, who’d have thought it? A burger and fries.
It’s snapped up by Sook Jai for $120.
Robb rises to his feet and lunges at Clay. He manages to check himself just before making contact when he realises Clay said “take a bite for me”, not “take a bite from me”.( Hick)
Shii Ann steps forward to claim the burger. Ted Points out that they haven’t paid for it (way to pay attention Jiff). The Sooks hungrily tuck in. Shii Ann eats some fries but can’t face the burger now the tail and udders have been cut off.
The Chuay’s make their first purchase, a pitcher of limeade for a mere $20.
The Sook’s then pay $80.00 for a mystery item, which turns out to be baked grubs.
Robb passes on the offer of a sample, but does take the time to confirm with Jiff that they’re seasoned. Peculiar.
The Chuay’s rebound with a purchase of spaghetti and meatballs with a side of garlic bread.
Robb tells them to “enjoy it y’all”.
Uh, y’all? Bit backwoodsish isn’t it Robb?
The Sooks pay $200 for a fudge sundae. The Chuay’s look a little disappointed, apart from Brian who would only part with that kind of cash for some “sweet cherry pie”.
The final item is nachos. The Chuays buy it for $320 dollars.
Jiff What goes with nachos?
Jiff No, what goes with nachos?
Jan Pepto Bismol.
Thankfully one of the peanuts in the gallery shouts out Margarita’s and to cries of “enjoy dat” from Ken the Chuay’s proceed to get pissed.
Ken slept on the beach last night, so obviously Erin did too.
Stephanie has apparently reconsidered her former opinion that her tribe mates needed to be “pissed on” for voting out Jed/Jeb.
She is now the life of the party, bringing them all bananas for breakfast.
Apparently being starving “will make you want to piss on people, I mean it will”.
Helen and Jan discover cave mail in the form of a decorative wooden fish over at the Chuay beach.
Remember when John found the brackish pool and decided to tell the others that was their water source when he knew all along it wasn’t? That was funny wasn’t it?
The other Chuay’s loved that joke. They weren’t even that thirsty and still didn’t find that joke funny. We know they’re damn hungry so why do Helen and Jan think now would be a good time to pretend they caught a fish?
The mail details the immunity challenge – something about sorting fish and winning a race. Jan says they should underline the part about “keeping your team alive”.
You know Jan, when you’re voted off they don’t actually put you to death – hmmmm maybe they should.
There is no drinking water left and no boat so the Chuay’s decide they have to swim to the hole. Swim to the hole? Whoever would they send on a mission like that?
Pretty simple. Sort four different types of fish from one large container into four smaller ones by type.
Ken sits this one out so obviously Erin does too.
Ted should have just held out the bottom of his t-shirt and waited for the others to shovel the fish in, they’d have made it in a single trip.
Jiff warns them not to try and cheat. “You might think I’m not looking but I ay-am”
Not quite sure where that drawl came from all of a sudden.
The Chuay’s think they’ve won the challenge, but Jeff, has noticed one fish is incorrectly sorted. They look for the error while Jan crawls round the containers at “Helen speed” (one click up from warp) screeching “chay-ack, chay-ack”. I half expect a cat in hat and Jacobean ruff to ride into view on a miniature bicycle – the circus is in town.
The Sooks resign themselves to their second TC.
Shii Ann feels as though the others don’t understand her – they don’t.
“She’s a girl –dude, I mean come on dude. She doesn’t even use utensils”.
Horrific isn’t it Robb.
She feels slightly better after receiving a pep talk from tribe-daddy Jake and never learns of the “dysfunction” the tribe have with her.
Would it not have made far more sense if Erin had simply said the tribe has a “problem” with Shii Ann?
Jiff Robb, what do you think of the Chuays?
Robb They’re pretty cool, even the hick is kinda growin’ on me.
We’re like totally wayyy stronger though bro.
Jiff I’m not your brother.
Jiff If you’re stronger how come you’re here?
Robb Oh for sure.
Jiff So no one wanted to swap then? Ok. Time to vote.
The lame attempt at injecting a little suspense into proceedings with a prior to TC “who will it be” edited sequence cannot hide the fact we all know Steph will be the one booted off.
She departs, resisting the urge to give them a “golden showe” goodbye.
Next time on Survivor
The strongest Chuay swimmer watches her team mates drown and Robb tries to convince us he’s not a f*&^%$# idiot.
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