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  1. #1
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    The Push Times

    You could visit www.pushtimes.com but we'd rather you stayed to discuss things with us.

    Here are the stories from the Push Times.




    Photo: Catherine Bernadette
    Cornelius Saluto celebrates with a large check for $500,000 from the Versailles Casino.

    From the Push Times


    Big Winner Hits Versailles Jackpot



    Grad Student Beats One-Armed Bandit
    -Juanita Velasquez



    Push - The one-armed bandit could not escape the long arms of the law.

    Law School student Cornelius Saluto hit the dollar-slots jackpot and won $500,000 at the Versailles Casino last night.

    The lanky graduate student, who attends Central Nevada State University, extended his unusually long arms to play five machines at once. Experts say that Mr. Saluto's approach helped him to beat the odds.

    Playing for just under three hours, the Push High School alumnus estimates that he spent $1045 in silver dollars to finance his endeavor.

    His new fortune will certainly change the life of this 7-foot 2-inch gentleman. Mr. Saluto plans to drop out of law school immediately.

    "Now that I hit the jackpot," Saluto said, "Think I'll probably just move back home. Buy a new Toyota and cruise around town. See what happens."

    Some long-time slots players were surprised by the younger player's good fortune.

    "I've been playing the Versailles' slots every Thursday night for ten years," said Ms. Mabel Zacharias, "Never hit more than $200 at a time. Then this kid comes along with the long arms. Well, I have average arms, and I say that they ought to put more space between the machines, you know, to make it fair for the rest of us."

    Still, the Versailles Casino paid out enormous winnings over the last few days. Yesterday players beat the house for over $5,000,000, including the sports book.

    On Saturday, local shopkeeper Vito Bonaventura won $75,000 playing roulette. Mr.Bonaventura said that he plans to use the money to both remodel and expand his shop, "Vito Bonaventura's."

    Push locals are abuzz with excitement over the size of the winnings at the Versailles, but the casino has expressed no concern about its recent losses. Instead the Versailles seems pleased that its patrons are enjoying a winning streak.

    "It's an unusual run," casino spokesperson Mr. Jack Stennis said, "Sometimes luck just seems to fall in the players' favor for awhile. It's nice to see our local friends happy."

    Since the Versailles re-opened under new management in 1985, Push has enjoyed an economic renaissance. Some of this growth has been attributed to locals' winning at the casino. While an exact calculation has never been tabulated, the Push Chamber of Commerce estimates that locals take home an average of about $18,000 in winnings each year.

    The Versailles disputes this number, which they say does not fully account for the local players' losses.

  2. #2
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    Clue 2 - Television.




    From the latest edition of the Push Times:


    On Coffee Mugs (As Seen on Television)




    -By Sunny DuPree


    Good Morning, Push! It is always such a pleasure to be asked back to write my column for the Push Times. But this week is especially exciting...my first "online" column. Congratulations PushTimes.com! Now that I'm working for such a modern paper, I better brush up on my computer skills. I just learned how to check email last week, so I've got a long way to go! I can guarantee those adventures will be fodder for a column coming to this space soon.

    But this week I want to talk to you about something I do understand: coffee mugs.

    That's right. Now a lot of people assume that, as host of a morning news show, I'm a morning person. Well, nothing could be further from the truth! Left to my own devices, I could sleep the day away, staying tucked away until 7:30! So what's my secret to getting up-and-at-em before the sun? Coffee mugs.

    You heard me, mugs. Sure, having coffee inside helps, but, you'll be surprised to learn, not necessary. Don't get me wrong. I love coffee. But my friends and co-workers have strongly suggested that I cut back (I personally don't think "too chipper" should be a phrase, but I'm not one to argue with the group). Anyway, the great thing is, you don't need to drink coffee to be perked up by a coffee mug. You can get your morning pick me up straight from the cup. Here are a few simple tips to starting your day right, with or without caffeine.

    First off, no other office supply offers the healing power of coffee mug wisdom: "Don't let the turkeys get you down;" "There's no 'I' in 'Team';" "Not Overweight. Undertall." Even our new "Good Morning, Push!" mugs can put a spring in your tired step: "Sure it's early, but, now that you mention it, it is a good morning, and, by golly, I'm lucky enough to be in Push!" There's a shot of wake-me-up right there. If your place of work isn't already stocked with a variety of mugs, make it your goal to bring in a few to wake up and inspire your co-workers...and yourself.

    Or, even better, start a Mug Trading Club with your friends. It's like turning a Tupperware party into a Book Club! Instead of trading salad crispers, you trade literature...on a cup! It's a great way to expose yourself and others to new ideas and life philosophies. You'll start the next day with a new outlook, and what's more exhilarating than that?

    For a more personal pick-me-up, try a make-your-own-mug kit (available right in town at Heidi's Hardware). Emblazon it with a favorite picture of your cat (you know, the one where he fell in the basket. Silly cat!). Go crazy and make your mug square. Create your own mug, and then wake up to the artist inside you.

    Finally, don't forget, coffee mugs don't have to hold coffee. A favorite, brightly colored mug makes a great jellybean holder or planter. One caveat here, and this is for the men: it's a planter if you put the plant in yourself. Neglected mugs, left partially full on the back of your desk may look like planters, but they are just gross. Not to name names, Ed.

    Well, I hope you've enjoyed these tips as much as I enjoyed writing them. And I do hope you'll put them to use. Because the next time I say, "Good Morning, Push!" I expect you to be as awake and chipper as I am.

    See you on Television.
    "That's Numberwang!"

  3. #3
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    I didn't see the show last night, so I don't know how relevant this story from the Push Times is, if at all.



    Photo: Push Times File Photo
    A research helicopter, not a UFO, hovers above the beautiful Nevada desert at night.


    From the Push Times:


    False UFO Sighting Over Demonhead Flats





    Public Confuses Research Helicopter with Alien Airship
    -By Juanita Velasquez


    Push - Local authorities have an explanation for the UFO sighting that caused a stir among Push residents last night.

    The Push County Sheriff's Department determined that the flickering lights, which several Push locals reported seeing at approximately 11 p.m., were searchlights coming from a Bureau of Land Management helicopter that was conducting coyote research, not light beams from an alien spacecraft, as many of the callers suggested.

    "Last night I got a bunch of phone calls about some 'alien lights' over by Demonhead Flats. I thought it was probably just some pranksters - but did some investigating anyway - and can confirm that it was nothing but a BLM chopper," said Sheriff Boyd Gaines. "The people of Push ought to stop watching scary, late-night movies, and just go to sleep."

    The first reported "UFO sighting" last night came from Quinny's Junk Shoppe owner Dr. Quintin Xavier, who also holds a PhD in Folklore & Mythology from Central Nevada State University.

    "I looked up from my hammock and saw lights in random patterns moving in a way that could not be a helicopter," said Dr. Xavier. "I have experience in the art of spotting extraterrestials, and know the difference between a man-made aircraft and something not of this world."

    A recent survey by the National Science Board indicated that about 30 percent of respondents believed that alien spacecraft from another planet had visited Earth. Push locals, like many Nevadans, have reported UFO sightings in the past.

    Nonetheless, the Bureau of Land Management, an agency within the federal Department of the Interior, confirmed that it has been tracking coyote demographics and predator-prey interactions around Demonhead Flats at night.

    "Coyotes hunt after dark, so that's the best time to track their movement," said Dr. Woody Tanz, a local research biologist for the BLM, "We usually use trucks and night-vision goggles, but occasionally we like to get an aerial view of the pack."

    Demonhead Flats is a hot desert plain just east of town. Largely barren and flat, the area has become a favorite destination for off-roading, speed hunting and extreme camping. There were no reports of unusual lights by campers who may have been at Demonhead Flats last night.
    "That's Numberwang!"

  4. #4
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    They seem to be going to great pains to emphasise Job's honesty. This might come into play later in the series so it's worh baring in mind.



    Photo: Catherine Bernadette
    Standing in front of his auto repair shop, Job prepares to give another customer good, honest service.


    From the Push Times:


    Profile: Job's Auto Repair





    An Exceptionally Honest Job
    -By R. Bell Saks


    It seems to happen like clockwork. Push's desert heat is the mortal enemy of rubber. Soon enough, something melts while driving along the sun-baked highway outside of Push: a tire, a fan belt, or perhaps a radiator hose. Once again, a driver is then stranded on the road, relying upon the kindness of truckers for life itself.

    When that happens, a local gearhead named Job ("just Job") usually gets the call to resurrect the driver's dead vehicle. Known far and wide as an honest man who goes the extra mile to help a stranded stranger, Job has retrieved an estimated 500 broken-down cars from the desert outside Push.

    Of course, that impressive statistic doesn't even include his primary duties as Push's premier mechanic. Job's Auto Repair is known for good service. His customers often find their cars fixed, washed and returned in the middle of the night, with a note from Job tucked under the wiper blade.

    Much like the biblical Job, suffering tests this Job's patience. In this Job's case, however, it is the undue stress people put on their cars. "This heat will kill a man in four hours," Job points out. "What do people think it'll do to a poorly maintained vehicle?"

    Folks in Push can save themselves car trouble by sticking to recommended hot-weather maintenance schedules, Job says. Naturally, keeping water and a gas can in the car is always smart. Job also recommends an inexpensive carport, which can pay for itself by lessening the sun's damage to your car over time.

    Ultimately, calling Job's Auto Repair is the smartest thing folks in Push can do to take care of their car. As for out-of-towners, however, Job cannot teach them anything until they break down in these parts.

    Job scratches a tattoo and smiles. "Of course, if out-of-town folks stopped doin' stupid things around here, I wouldn't have much to do, now, would I?"
    "That's Numberwang!"

  5. #5
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    job's TOO honest, imo.

    with free work and cheap tows he's going to go outta business!

  6. #6
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    It makes me think that he doesn't need to charge because he has another way of getting cash.

    Don't forget the guy who robbed the safe in the first place was sitting bundled up in lots of clothes, teeth chattering outside Job's garage when Prufrock turned up with the truck driver in the first episode.
    "That's Numberwang!"

  7. #7
    hellooooooo sher's Avatar
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    exactly......

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