Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here to help you navigate that tricky world of celebrity employment. Last week we said goodbye to Dennis Rodman who went on to wetter, I mean greener, pastures. He has quite the cranberry habit, doesn’t he? Of course, he may just have a kidney problem. Anywho, if you missed the episode, or even if you just want a good laugh, make sure to check out Phonegrrrl’s most excellent recap here.
This week begins with both teams lamenting the loss of Dennis and hoping he is getting help. Then Tionne gets to present her $20,000 check to an appreciative representative of the Sickle Cell Foundation of Georgia. Love and joy all around.
The Hair gathers the teams at the Paley Center for Media. The first thing he lets them know is that Dennis Rodman has promised to get some help. Melissa is gimping it up with a boot on her right foot – it seems she tore some ligaments sitting around, I mean ‘helping’ at last week’s task. But she promises to soldier on. She’s brave.
In typical Trump fashion, he abruptly announces he is changing up the teams. The new teams are:
Apparently, Brian is away this week doing a concert (note – yet another person let of from a full or part of a task) and Trump will assign him to a team next week. Presumably, whichever team loses a player this week. Jesse seems to be ok with being the only rooster in the hen house and Melissa feels she can be her own person now. Err, who was that other person, Melissa? Anyway, Trump remarks that he has now cut the cord between Melissa and her mother Joan. Oh, Donald. That cord is made out of stronger stuff than you. NASA is currently investigating it as a byproduct of an UFO crash landing.
There are a couple of extra suits hanging around Trump this week. They turn out to be execs from All detergent. The male exec tells the teams that the task this week is to create a viral video no more than 60 seconds in length. The video can be “funny, dramatic, musical, or even off the wall” but it will need to be on message about the All product being pimped, Small and Mighty. Being the full service recapper that I am, I took the liberty of looking up ‘viral video’: A viral video is a video clip that gains widespread popularity through the process of Internet sharing, typically through email or Instant messaging, blogs and other media sharing websites. Don’t say I never did anything for you. Oh, and who will be offering their less than esteemed opine on the videos? Perez Hilton. Yuck. That is all I am saying. Melissa is Athena’s pm and Clint is the pm for Kotu. Winning pm gets $20,000 for their charity.
Athena gets to work right away. Jesse was all for something involving Brande, himself and one of his biker friends. I’m thinking the lovely Sandra Bullock just might be opposed to this scenario. So is Annie, as she feels it has been over done. She throws the idea out that Jesse could be in a bathtub being washed by “midgets” (her word, not mine – just clarifying so I don’t get letters). She is aghast that Jesse would veto that idea and claims he is not a team player. I say he is a smart player, but then again, I am not Annie. For that I give thanks.
Kotu is also thinking along the lines of little people. Joan says, hey, let’s put a bunch of them in a washing machine! On the phone (because apparently there is no rule this year that you actually have to participate in all of the tasks, unless your name is Khloe Kardashian) Herschel suggests washing little people in a bathtub and then hanging them out to dry. Who are these people? Finally, Clint tells a stupid off color joke with “doing the laundry” as a euphemism for sex and a guy saying something about it being a small load and he did it by hand. They all think this is hysterical especially when the guy is a little person. Err, ok. I must be getting old. Or maybe this is straight person humor.
Athena meets with the sponsors and learns that the target market is women, 25 and older with kids. Athena wants to know how outrageous they can be and the execs tell them if the target customer finds it offensive, that would not be good. They also learn that the title is important. Kotu has their meeting next with the execs. I have to say that these execs seem a bit uptight for people who want a viral video. I actually don’t think they quite know what a viral video is, but they want to be seen as all hip and mod so they got their kids to make a list of the cool things now days and then they played a little pin the tale on the phrase and what ever it landed on, that’s what they went with. Given the things kids are into today, they are pretty lucky they landed on viral video. Anyway, Joan asks some questions and gets blank looks, and a resounding ‘no’ on some apparently dirty language. Clint wants to know if they have an objection to using little people and he gets an ominous “It’s yours to decide”. The tone it was delivered in would have warned me away from the idea, but heh, I am not a big star with an even bigger ego. They get an “I’ll leave it up to you”. Delivered in the same tone that brought you “It’s yours to decide.” Warning, Will Robinson, Warning. Warning. Just saying.
Kotu, in all its wisdom, decides to proceed with the after hours porn video approach. Joan tries to get Clint to listen to some of her ideas and to add some funny in, but Mr. “My Ego is as Big as My Black Cowboy Hat” isn’t listening. Joan becomes increasingly frustrated with Mr. Big Ego and ends up throwing out the idea that perhaps Khloe and Natalie should mud wrestle, because it would be better than Clint’s idea. But Clint is stuck on this idea and refuses to part with it, so he just deems Joan a nuisance. Dude, your target audience is women. 75% of your team is women. You might just want to contemplate at least giving the appearance you are listening to the, errr, women.
Back at Athena, Annie has been doing some research and tells Jesse that viral video things with the word ‘midget’ in the title seem to get a lot of hits. Hmmm, considering viral videos are probably most popular with adolescent boys, that is not surprising. I bet nekkid, d***, and boobies get a lot of hits as well. However, adolescent boys are not the target audience, as we have already established. Between Annie and the rest of the women, Jesse is talked into getting washed by little people. He at least has the idea to dress them in the blue and yellow of the All bottles. Melissa sends Annie and Tionne to get the costumes, thereby depriving Melissa of the joy (snort) of Annie’s company.
Kotu is busy meeting with their director of photography. And by ‘Kotu’, I mean Clint. He pretty much marginalizes the women, and I have to say, Joan is not one bit happy about it. She says she is really unhappy with Clint, because she had him pegged as a good collaborator. The Junior Hair arrives at Athena to see how things are going. He wonders aloud if little people are really the most popular thing with their target audience. I wonder that myself. I would have thought a shirtless hunka hunka burning love would be more their style, but hey, what do I know about straight women? Or moms for that matter. Still, they should have at least had Jesse shirtless. Just saying.
Kotu has their very own little person. Daniel arrives and as it turns out this seems to be his very first acting job. And it shows. The guy cannot deliver a line or show a reaction to save his life. Khloe ponders aloud if maybe they should consider the mud wrestling idea again. Natalie gently guides Clint to the idea that perhaps Daniel isn’t the wee man for the job. So Clint’s solution is to take the part himself. Errr, ok. And the joke goes how? I mean, I know Clint is vertically challenged, but Small and Mighty I don’t think he is. But, his mind is made up and heaven forbid he should sway from his appointed course. Stupid as it is.
Athena is filming at a laundry mat, and I have to say the little bits and pieces we get to see are pretty funny and all the hard work on the costumes Tionne and Annie did pays off and the three little look adorable and the commercial, errr, viral video, has the potential to be pretty funny.
Kotu, not so much. They are imploding. Well, the women are. Well, Joan is, anyway. She is trying to get the whole concept of ‘team’ through to Clint who does not have his listening ears on. I’d repeat the whole thing to you, but it is pretty much the same thing over and over and over and over again. Basically, Clint has cast himself in the lead, as the director and as the producer. I think he would be perfectly happy if the women all went out and had manicures and just left him to do the whole thing. Frankly, I think the women should do that and then when the whole thing tanks, and we all know it will, just leave all the blame at Clint’s feet. He does throw out the idea that one of the women could play the role of sexy wife in lingerie, but they laugh in his face and he hires a model. Herschel walks in at the last bit of filing and cannot figure out what in heavens name is going on and he is not a happy camper. Herschel cannot figure out why Clint is reading Trump’s book with a box of tissues near by, thereby bringing to my attention the stuff of all my future nightmares. Though I have to laugh at this from Joan:
“I find it so offensive. I don’t know what he was thinking. I think the hat which he wears constantly must be just too tight, and his brain is squeezed all these years. That’s the result – you sit in bed with a Donald Trump book, and a box of Kleenex!”
Editing for Kotu does not go much better. Clint actually locks his team out of the room explaining he is doing them a favor by allowing them to relax. What an idiot. Joan says to the others that perhaps they should have disclaimers at the beginning of the video saying they do not endorse it. Finally, the Ego in a cowboy hat invites the others on to see his creation and it is as bad as they all thought it was going to be. Khloe says it is insulting to the product and that it is cheesy, Herschel pushes for captions to lighten it up. Joan flat out does not think it is funny. Joan and Clint get into it and Clint claims if they lose he is only going to take Joan to the Boardroom.
Finally, the All execs and Trump view the videos. Kotu’s, replete with verbal bubbles, is deemed ‘racy’. I would have deemed it stupid, but then again, I am not an All exec. Athena’s is not well received either, mainly because of the swearing at the end. Then something truly awful happens that I may never recover from: Perez Hilton is on my television screen. For some reason it is deemed by Trump to be a good idea to ask Hilton’s opinion. Despite claiming to have many words to say about the videos, he basically pans them both but ends up saying he liked Athena’s. Way to be helpful, Perez.
Finally we are at the Boardroom. Now, I am not going to go over every detail of the ridiculousness that is this particular Boardroom. It is clear that Trump has his mind made up about who is going. Suffice it to say, Athena is all sweet and nice and puppies playing and Clint hates Joan and considers her the root of all evil and Joan hates Clint, considering him a blight on the butt of humanity. The Coiffure informs them that the All execs hated both videos and no one wins. He tells Melissa and Clint to each pick two people to bring into the boardroom.
Melissa takes Tionne, because she volunteered to come back to support Melissa when the team had discussed this earlier and then she dithers a bit, but chooses Brande to come in as well. Why she didn’t bring Annie in, who she has complained about a lot, I don’t know. But Brande it is. Trump almost immediately cites the Bradford reason for firing. Apparently, way back when on the second season of Apprentice, there was a guy named Bradford who volunteered to come into the boardroom and was fired because of that. Apparently, the celebs were supposed to know this and to never, ever, do it themselves. Poor Tionne missed that episode. And Trump fired her. Stupid Ego. Tionne is shocked. Melissa attempts to reason with the Hair, but is told that if it wasn’t Tionne, it would have been her. Tionne says she didn’t go into the Boardroom to be fired. You think she might have considered the possibility before she volunteered to go in, don’t you think?
Clint has chosen Khloe and Natalie to come into the Boardroom with him. Errr, what? After all his Bravado about bringing Joan in? I think the Hat is a little afraid of the Mouth. As well he should be. Natalie tells Trump that she is surprised that Clint did not bring in his nemesis, Joan, since they have spent the last two days fighting. Trump says he wouldn’t have fired her anyway, since she was right. Clint says he takes responsibility for his actions. Then he asks Clint if he’d rather be playing the game or be on tour making loads of moolah. Clint says he wants to stay in the game. He then asks Natalie if she wouldn’t rather be free to go to her Asian golf tournament where she can make a lot of moolah just by showing up. She says that she gave her word she would play the game to the end. He doesn’t ask Khloe if she would rather be doing something else. Instead he asks her where she was last week, pretending he knew nothing about it. Liar. He knew about it. It’s not like it was a secret. I mean the girl has a reality show that had the incident predominantly featured. In case any of you were imprisoned in Trump Tower, I will let you know she the little Kardashian had herself a DUI and has to pay the consequences for it by attending classes. Donald tells her he lost respect for her over the incident. I would believe that if she had actually been the first Kardashian he wanted – word on the street he really wanted her sister Kim, but got her by default. He tells her that drunks kill children, which is true, but not in Khloe’s case. Khloe says she is taking responsibility for her actions, but that is not good enough for the self-aggrandizing Trump and he fires her. However, he does give her charity another $20,000 because the charity shouldn’t suffer for her mistakes. Anyone believe his drivel? Not me. As someone on our boards said: in the world of The Donald, blonde "trumps" badonkadonk**. Funny that no blondes have been fired yet. Well, except Dennis Rodman, but that was really a mercy firing. The end of the day, the Hair fired the two people who were not really spicing up his show much, not the two most deserving. To be honest, it’s really only Clint who needed to be fired this week. But hey, that’s why I write about tv and I don’t produce it.
And that’s all folks. Stay tuned next week when the Hair will fire someone else. Bet it’s not a blond, though.
** Thanks for the great quote, Ellen!