The Apprentice Finale Recap: The Fest of the Snooze
Previously on the Apprentice: Sean and Lee were given their final tasks. For Sean, it was to put on a Barenaked Ladies concert with a team of Tammy, Andrea and Tarek, to benefit the World Wildlife Federation. For Lee, it was to put on a celebrity hockey game with a team of Lenny, Pepi and Roxanne, to benefit the Leary Firefighters Foundation.
When we left last show, Andrea was bleeding from the nose, showing that obviously my sticking pins in my Andrea voodoo doll has been working.
And So It Begins....
Trump walks into the Orpheium in Hollywood, California, to a whole bunch of screaming people. Certainly more people than I thought watched this show. He's accompanied by his trusty sidekicks George and Carolyn. There's screaming, people reaching out to shake Trump's hand, and woolly monkeys jumping up and down with signs that say "Lee You're Hired!" Dream on, monkeys!
They go sit behind a giant table onstage, then Trump plugs his next season of The Apprentice (which I refuse to watch) that will take place in Los Angeles. After that, he does a bit on Sean and Lee, which is 7 minutes of recap from different tasks. Whoopee. But then, then is the best thing about this show..the theme song! C'mon everybody, sing along!
Back to Trump, and he asks the audience "who likes Lee?" There's some booing, and lots of yelling, and those monkeys with signs are going nuts. Then he asks "who likes Sean?" and the crowd yells very loudly, and I can't make out any booing. Trump lies at that point, saying he hasn't made up his mind. Umm-humm.
Looks Like You Can Get Blood Out of a Stone
We join Sean's team, Synergy, in the middle of the bloody Andrea crisis. Sean's worried about being down a person, meanwhile Andrea is in the exam room at the emergency care center, with cameras! The doctor holds her hands while telling her she's fine, just a nasal irritation. Sean says Andrea is his rock for him.
There Was No DeLorean In "Ray"
Over at Lee's team, Goldrush, they're being visited by Lys Hopper, one of the bigwigs of the Leary Firefighters Foundation. She tells them straight up some things they need to do, and questions them. Lenny gets Michael J. Fox messed up with Jamie Foxx, much to Lys' dismay, and when Lee tells her that it will be Lenny that works with the players, she's not amused.
Sean takes some Pontiac executive through a walk-through of their event, and I realize that I really don't care for his accent. (I much prefer the Geico lizard's accent.) Sean suggests having the lead singer of the Barenaked Ladies wear a panda suit, and the Pontiac guy declares it goofy, and not something they want around the cars.
The Barenaked Ladies arrive and Sean greets them. He thinks rock stars shaking his hand is pretty sexy. I think that all depends on exactly which rock star's hand you're shaking. Bono, Eddie Vedder, Robert Plant in his heyday, yeah, that's sexy. Meatloaf, Ozzy, Joey Ramone, not so much.
In the meantime, Tarek is left to his own devices working on the VIP event. A lady from SLS speaker company gets a loooong plug in about about their new product, called "Q" endorsed by Quincy Jones. I note this only because later on, Synergy is wearing "Q" hats, and I think it makes them all look like they work at Quizno's. George is there, and he thinks that Sean should be there as well. Tarek seems to be handling things fine, however.
Size Doesn't Matter, If You're a Medium
Lee is pumped up, he thinks everything is doing fine. He has a meeting with Christine from the Leary Firefighter Foundation. What happened to Lys? She probably had to send Christine instead so she didn't kill Lee with her bare hands. Christine's no push-over, either, and questions Lee on several points. Lenny tries his joking with Christine, but the funniest thing that is actually said is by Lee, when he suggests putting Jaime Pressly on skates. Editing hasn't shown us one time that Lee has had a decent idea during this process, things seem to be progresssing in spite of him, not because of him.
Lenny and Pepi are in the locker room, trying to figure out sizes for the player's gear. They don't have sizes listed for everyone, so Lenny makes them all a "medium", which I find totally crazy, but maybe that means we'll get a nice funny pants-splitting moment during the game. Lenny then tells Pepi to stop smoking his Cuban crack, and I have to say, as much as I have liked Lenny, he makes no sense.
You Couldn't Find a CD in a CD Case
Sean is concerned about finding a cd that has the music to play at the SLS speakers pre-party. Andrea and Tarek were sitting right there when this crisis first happened, but suddenly they're gone, and he calls Tammy to help him find the CD. A giant room, with one large conference table that's not even that cluttered, and he calls in reinforcements? Tammy walks in, doesn't even put down her bag, and asks Sean if he's looked through the the few cd cases laying on the table. He starts opening them saying "it's not here, it's going to be a blue disc" and suddenly she's pointing out that it's IN HIS HAND. Okay, so I think it may have been stuck behind another cd in the case, but still....how pathetic. Sean uses this as yet another reason to hug and kiss Tammy, and do his crazy dancing. From a female perspective, I think his wild flailing about would be a turn-off for her.
Maybe He Should Have Kept the Sideburns
Over at Chelsea piers, in walks Jason Priestly. Nevermind that he was on one of the most popular teen dramas for years, syndicated in 120 countries, the girl checking him in has no idea who he is, which sends Christine from the Leary Firefighters Foundation into a tizzy. She goes back to where Lee is, and asks why no one is greeting the players and escorting them to the locker room. Lee mumbles something about how a girl at the front is supposed to call Lenny when anyone arrives, Christine says it's too late, so Lee scurries off to find out the deal. He finds Pepi, who says that Jason found the locker room on his own, and that Lenny is back there with Denis Leary. Roxanne adds that Lenny's not answering his phone. I have to cut Lenny some slack here....if I was there with Denis Leary, no way would I leave him to escort Mr. 90210. Because...it's Denis Leary, and okay, I have a major crush on him. Call me sick. Or better yet, don't, I'm aware how disturbing it is.
Jaime Pressly arrives and is greeted by Lee and Lenny. Lee talks to her about auctioning off the two cars donated by Pontiac, then Lenny asks her if she wants to go see the players, that they're all naked. She says "sure" and off they go. Unfortunately, Denis Leary is not naked in the locker room, but I am extremely glad that John McEnroe isn't either. Because there's only so much one recapper can take. Jaime shakes some of the player's hands, while Stephen Baldwin is giving her the "what the heck are you doing in here" eyeball. Denis Leary questions the size of the jerseys, and Lenny says that's all they have. Then Lenny runs off, leaving Jaime in the locker room, wondering what she's supposed to do next.
Carolyn interviews that Lenny isn't making anyone feel comfortable, and for the life of her she can't understand why Lee chose him or Pepi. Because that's all there was to choose from, Carolyn! This is the worst batch of candidates ever!
Live Finale Update
Trump takes a minute to let the other contestants come join the live festivities. I'll list them so they get their last 15 second of fame: Summer, Stacy, Pepi, Theresa, Brent, Dan, Bryce, Lenny, Leslie, Andrea, Charmaine, Tarek, Michael, Tammy, Allie and Roxanne. Everyone looks nice, Allie even has her hair out of that ugly updo she constantly wore...but there's one exception, Andrea. For whatever reason, Andrea has on jeans and a teal jacket, totally dressed down. She honestly didn't look this dressed down the whole season, I can't imagine why she chose this look for the finale.
Gold Rush - Lee
At Chelsea Piers, the VIP pre-party is in full swing, but there is only one bid on one of the silent auctions. Lee tells Pepi to get over there and push the auctions, and frankly Lee looks really frazzled. Trump phones in, and Lee tells him that he's set to make an appearance at 5 PM. Lee then informs the VIPS that the game is about to start, and instructs them to get their gift bags on the way out. I wonder if they include a bottle of Trump, the fragrance.
The players are filing out of the locker room, and Lenny instructs them all to "play good". See? And people said he wasn't helpful on this task! Trump arrives, and although Lee is running up stairs, he isn't there to meet him. They find each other, and Lee takes Trump to his seat. In the worst product placement EVER, Lee whips a can out of his pocket, presenting it to Trump with a flourish saying "and here is your Diet Coke, sir." But he doesn't even tap on the top to make sure it won't fizz over when opened. Amateur!
The hockey game starts, and I wish they would've just shown that instead of this finale.
The first one to knock the pompous windbag into the goal wins!
Synergy - Sean
There is someone in a panda suit waving people into the auction at the Taj Mahal. Wouldn't it be funny if it was Toral, from last sesaon, who refused to wear a costume for her team's task? No? Okay, never mind. Inside the event, the Pontiac guy tells George that there is no Pontiac identification up, but George assures them that the cars will sell themselves. However, over by the cars, there is a lot of Pontiac signage. Andrea takes some of the VIPS over to the cars, telling a bit about them. Not a great presentation, but better than none.
Sean takes a few minutes off to run into a hair salon, asking for hair spray, because he can't afford to have a bad hair day, he has to show his true colors. And apparently his true colors are a lacquered head.
Gold Rush - Lee
"Will somebody get me my friggin' glasses? Earl? Darnell?"
Jaime Pressly goes center ice to auction off the two cars from Pontiac. We only see one of the auctions, thankfully, because she is all kinds of bad at it. Why not have Denis Leary auctioning off the cars? He'd at least be more lively than Jaime. She really doesn't seem to want to be there.
As Lee is walking Trump out, he tells him that Gold Rush has $60,000 already. If only he had capitalized on Pepi's idea last week of matching funds from Pontiac, that would be even better. In interview, Lee says he feels confident that he's won. I feel confident that Lee is completely delusional.
Synergy - Sean
"I'm happy to have Sean as my Apprentice...oops, I mean, as one of the final two."
Over at the Taj Mahal, Sean's phone rings. It's Trump announcing his imminent arrival. Sean meets Trump near the helipad, but far enough back to not mess up his freshly sprayed hair. Sean's auction has started, and it's being lead by the two of the members of the Barenaked Ladies. They are about a zillion times better at this than Jaime Pressly, and they raise $40,000 for just one car. Based on that figure, I'm thinking that Sean must have kicked Lee's ass on the fund-raising.
Trump drives one of the cars onstage, thanks all of the sponsors and wishes Sean well. Sean then introduces the Barenaked Ladies, who open with their extremely old song "One Week". Since it's so old, everyone knows it and is bouncing along. Tammy's shaking her rear, looking coyly behind her to see if Sean is watching, and it happens to be the one single moment that he's taken his eyes off of her. Tough break, Sean.
Some of the Least Sincere Comments You'll Hear
Time for the big goodbyes from the team members to the final two candidates. Over at Chelsea Piers, Lee tells his team that it was a job well done, hugs them all, and tells them that there's no way that Sean's team did this for him. Done what? Told him what to do, disappeared on him, offended a sponsor with bad comedy and basically been a sideshow attraction? That's a PLUS if Sean's team didn't do that, Lee, because Lenny did all that and more to your task! But, you're loyal, always loyal, I'll give you that. Lee then gets in the awaiting car, and passes out just like a little boy crashed after a sugar rush.
The Barenaked Ladies concert is winding up at the Taj Mahal, and Trump tells Sean that he did a good job, excellent, etc. It's in the bag, Sean! Sean tells his team if he becomes the next apprentice it's because of what they did for him. By all accounts it appears that they did a fine job despite lost cds and bloody noses.
Back to the loft, and we have camera interviews as they prepare for the final boardroom. Sean says he's better for this job than Lee, because he can adapt to any situation and has a lot more experience. Lee says Sean doesn't intimidate him, and that his age isn't an issue.
Lee and Sean arrive at the boardroom, to meet with Trump, Carolyn and George. Trump asks Sean how he picked his team and why. Sean says he wanted to get a balance of operations, sales, marketing, and that he wanted to chose a team that got along well together. Trump then asks him if he thinks he won, and yes, of course he thinks he won.
Trump tells Lee he picked a much riskier team, but in reality he picked what was left and frankly there wasn't much to choose from. Trump says that Lenny is smart, Roxanne is "just" a good lawyer, and that no one remember Pepi. Carolyn is smirking because of last week's show when she had no idea who Pepi was. Trump asks why he picked those people, and Lee says he needed people who would be passionate about him winning. Carolyn questions why Pepi would be passionate about him winning, when he barely knew Pepi since he was fired week two. Lee replies that Pepi wants to prove something, so he would work harder. She then questions about Lenny, who she has never cared for, and he says that Lenny is willing to die to see Lee with the apprenticeship. DIE? Lee sure has a deep belief in their friendship.
Trump then asks Sean "why are you better than Lee?" Sean replies that he's older and has more experience that Lee doesn't have. Lee disagrees, and says he has a lot of potential, pointing out how far he's come for his age. George interrupts, saying "That's not the point, he's saying do you have more experience?" Lee asks "what does that mean?" It means experience Lee! Sheesh! Sean says he could hit the ground running for Trump tomorrow, Lee says he could as well. Sean counters with "give me a couple of weeks to get my real estate license and I could make millions for you" to which Lee says "I could do the same." Lee then brings up his 4.0 average from Cornell University, but Sean matches that with first class honors from Southhampton University. Lee throws out "I was president of the honor society" and Sean smacks him down with "I was valedictorian." I'm glad this debate stopped before it got to who would kiss Trump's flabby white rear with more passion, or more technique.
Trumps says the next time he sees them will be in front of a live audience in Los Angeles. WHAT? What about their tasks? How much did they raise? What did the sponsors say? Who did the better job? I'm thinking Sean just trounced Lee, so they're not discussing it since it would just make it even that more painfully obvious who will win.
We're Finally Live, Is Anyone Still Awake?
Finally, finally to the picking of the next Apprentice. Gee, I can hardly stand the suspense. Trump introduces Donald Jr. and Ivanka, and asks their opinions on the two candidates. They politely compliment both, neither taking sides. Then he points out Randal from last season, who says he's having a fine time working for Trump and then he plugs his website. Shut up, Randal, you are so last year!
Lee and Sean finally come out, and each walks over to the ousted candidates for handshakes, or in the case of Sean and Tammy, more smooching. It's Trump's time to talk to the other candidates, and he starts with Tarek. Tarek says very nice things about Sean. Then Trump points out to Tammy that Sean is obviously in love with her, but does he have to say it, all the time? Daggone Trump, why didn't you ask her the question we all really wanted to know, and that's if they've "sealed the deal". Well, Tammy, did you? Since that's not the question she actually gets, Tammy says that Sean's fawning shows a great passion, and that he would bring that passion to the Trump organization. Trump loves that answer.
Trump then says Pepi got a bad break, that he does remember Pepi, asks Pepi to stand up, and then says "sit down Pepi, that's enough Pepi!" It's like Pepi is one of those afore-mentioned woolly monkeys, performing for Trump's every whim. Then it's Lenny's turn to talk, and he says something or other about a goat, and how a goat increases in price over time, and how he wants Trump to invest in goat...except at that exact moment I realize he said gold not goat, and that just ruined my whole train of thought. I was very interested in the appreciation value of goats! Lee's sitting there beaming, thinking "why in the hell did Lenny just call me a goat? I'll just smile and nod my head a lot."
Hmm, Crowded Noisy City, or Serene Beautiful Island?
Trump presents the choice of jobs for the winning candidate. The choices are: building the Trump International Tower in Hawaii, or building one in Soho. Trump asks each candidate which one they want. Sean goes first, "Mr. Trump, the whole reason I'm here is to learn as much as I can from you and the whole Trump organization, I've got to be in New York." and mutters under his breath "because it's closer to Tammy". Okay, he didn't really, but you know it was part of his decision. That guy is so smitten that he probably sleeps with a lock of her hair clutched firmly in his fist when she's laying right next to him. Lee says "Mr. Trump, I'm a native New Yorker, I know the city in and out, I was born and raised there, I have to be in New York." and under his breath he says "Plus, it'll be a lot easier for me to pick up my laundry after Mom does it."
Please, Please Let This End Already!
Trump asks the ousted candidates to stand up according to which of the final two they support. 9 people stand up for Sean, 8 people stand up for Lee. Do the math, that's 17! Someone stood up twice. Guess who? That dumbass, Brent. Figures.
George then says he'd be happy to work with either candidate. Carolyn says Lee gives new meaning to "think outside the box" and then tells Sean that he has energy like she's never seen (but would love to, in bed), that's he's a motivator (and she'd love to be motivated by him in bed) and truly a leader (but that she'll lead him...in bed.) Sean's shooting her these mega-sex energy bolts with his eyes, promising with one look to give her all her desires if he just please please please gets this job. This steamy moment is ruined by Trump asking Lee why he should pick him. Lee says "because I've shown you things that people have never shown you throughout this interview process." Well now...how did THAT not make it on the air? I'm sure you can purchase it at Bud's Adult video store next week for $9.99, or wait an extra week and get it in the cut-out bin for 99 cents. Lee goes on to say he stepped up to be project manager four times, that he's better than Sean, and no one has grown more in the last 15 weeks. Trump asks Sean if he's better than Lee, and he says absolutely, that he can run any project, and that he's negotiated million dollar deals for the last ten years, Trump then asks him if he's going to marry Tammy. He says they're dating, and Trump asks again, and Sean says "yes". Lee's shaking his head "no" as he knows he's lost this thing. Trump then asks for the results of the viewers vote, which isn't revealed, but Trump says it's pretty one-sided. Since I like to believe the general public has some sense, I think it's a landslide for Sean. Trump says he agrees with the vote, but that they're both outstanding, and then "Lee, you're fired, Sean you're hired." Sean leaps up and does his crazy spastic dance thing, then he shakes Trump's hand, Carolyn's hand, George's hand, then runs over to Tammy, and she's thinking "thank goodness he got the job, now he can buy me a decent rock." Trump yells at Sean to go downstairs to get his Pontiac G6 car, then says he'll see us all for the next season of the Apprentice. You won't see me, buddy boy! I've had enough of you and your comb-over! I've done my time, five seasons of your self-promoting tacky self! I'm free, free, do you hear me! Wah-hoo!
Then we get to see previously taped footage of Sean driving his new car down the street, yelling how he's the Apprentice. How do we know it's previously taped? Because he didn't yell out Tammy's name once.
So that's it, finished, done, complete. Thanks for sticking out the season with me and my co-recapper Roseskid. I'd like to take a personal moment to thank Roseskid for being a heck of a fun co-recapper, she's the best! Now, goodnight viewers, until next season, when some unsuspecting other recapper will be saddled with this horrible, horrible show. Muaha-ha-ha-ha-hah!
"I am not a wanker! I am not a wanker!"
So long, and thanks for all the fish! comments to firstname.lastname@example.org