May 23, 2005 -- "Trump Unauthorized"
Tomorrow night at 9
on ABC/Ch. 7
IF you're looking for a good laugh, look no further than tomorrow night's "Trump Unauthorized," ABC's horrible, laugh-out-loud TV movie that's supposed to depict the life of The Donald, but ends up off-point, clueless, dull as dirt and as amateurish as a high-school play.
The Donald threatened to "sue their asses off," if the ABC biopic was inaccurate or slanderous. Nice thought, but impossible because how can you sue someone's ass off if they're down on the ground kissing yours?
Along with a few other memorable dogs, it may well stand as one of the worst TV movies ever made. Yes, it's that terrible.
It begins with little The Donald building with blocks as a tiny boy — with the tune "The Boy From New York City" playing in the background. Good. The song was a hit in 1981 when Trump was 35 years old. Right off, you know this dog needs a walk.
The only good thing I can say about the movie is Justin Louis, who plays Trump and has his speech, posture and gesturing down pat. He deserves better. But then again, so do we.
"Trump Unauthorized" glosses over the high points of The Donald's life, stopping long enough to show what a drunk dead brother Fred was, how horrible Ivana is and how stupid Marla Maples is.
Neither of these last two is true, by the way, since I know both women.
Ivana may be driven, but she's not a nightmare.
And Marla may have been the mistress, but she's far from an airhead.
Along the way, we also meet Trump's dear friend and partner, Peter Wennik (Saul Rubinek), a hot-shot lawyer who for no shown reason whatsoever agrees to be his right-hand man.
Then there's Ivana (played by Katheryn Winnick, who is no relation to Wennik) who looks nothing like Ivana and sounds nothing like, well, anyone who's ever lived. Her fake accent is so bad, she comes across as Dracula in drag.
In one of the more hilarious scenes, she seduces Donald by peeling off her stockings and talking about how she's going to decorate their new hotel. (I swear!)
"Da vallpaper vil be blud red — da sheets, 800 count Pima Cotton! Cr-r-rystal chandeliers-s-s to animate za light of luv," she says seductively.
Apparently, renovation is a real aphrodisiac — who knew?
Just when you think her acting and the dialogue can't gets worse, it does: "Vud you like to be making luf, Donald?"
Not that The Donald's lines are any better. He says to Winnick at one point: "I am no one's husband and no one's partner — I am American royalty! Peter, change the world with me, or go away!"
He does — he's killed shortly thereafter in a helicopter crash, which Trump then exploits for his own PR value.
How does something this bad get made?
Hard to know, but the writer, Keith Curran, needs to be sent to Guantanemo Bay or somewhere to save us from being exposed to this terrifying dialogue ever again. And director John David Coles needs to find work in dinner theater in Iowa.
The Donald should go to court tomorrow and try to get an injunction to stop it from airing — just to save unsuspecting viewers from being exposed to such hazardous waste materials.