*spits tobacco juice* Yeeeeeeeee Haaawwwwwww! This is it cowboys and cowgirls. The piece-deí-resistance, the golden belt buckle, the platinum can of Aquanet all jammed in to ninety minutes of goodness. Weíre down to the final three contestants and by nights end, only one will be crowned the Nashville Star. Who will it be? Well, given my track record of recapping crappy finales, Iím sure it wonít be who we all want it to be.
A Whole Lotta Flashback
LeAnn is back and looking sassier than ever. For those of you unaware, she had burst a blood vessel in her neck which rendered us submissive to the ever sizzling Sara Evans for the previous two weeks.
The show opens up with Big & Rich featuring Cowboy Troy, a self rapping cowboy standing about nine feet tall. Itís a fun way to open the night and LeAnn continues with the formalities of the introductions. Despite the usual predictable openings, we learn that Bret Michaels will be a father of a baby girl in May. Whoopie! *twirls index finger in semi-enthusiastic motion*
Ok folks, hereís the deal: we all know that out of ninety minutes only about 15 are worthwhile. I can only describe how Phil thinks they are ďjust greatĒ in so many ways. I can only write how Bret wants them to ďjust bring itĒ in so many languages. And lastly, I can only say that Anastasia is a smoking hot beyotch in so manyÖwell, I could go on forever actually. So Iíll hit the high points and leave out as much Cledus T. Judd sound bites as possible. Deal? Letís roll thenÖ.
And Then There Were Three
Jody Evans is the first to take the stage tonight. LeAnn treats him and us to a flashback of memorable moments the last nine weeks. Jody kicks ass on Good Rockiní Tonight and Iím bouncing on my couch and tapping my feet as my spittoon teeters on the edge of spilling on my rug. I save the impending catastrophe and continue on with my air guitar.
Jody is going to miss all of the cast, crew, fans, the scarecrow, the tin man and toto. Anastasia said that if she had the power she would crown him Nashville Star right then and there. May I foreshadow that I donít think that will be the case? No? Well, tough, I just did.
Next up is Erika Jo. Erika had her prom last week and took none other than Jody to the dance. They even showed a picture and I was surprised that her dress wasnít big and poofy with a giant bow on the back. Damn her for going to prom in a day and age where prom dresses actually look sexy. I had to burn my pictures. Me with my mullet, my date with her wrist corsage and teased up frosted hair. Egads, thatís a crime in some areas.
Erika sings Heads Carolina, Tails California. Iím actually ok with her singing tonight. She seems at ease and her dress tonight looks like a drip cloth from the local Texaco station. So itís definitely not a boring act to watch. Bret proclaims her ďitĒ factor, which means she ďbrought itĒ. Yay, I actually did find another way to say it.
Lastly, Jason Meadows is up. I like his flashback clip. Heís a cowboy and a family man and in todayís day and age, thatís not too shabby. His wife has been at all the shows along with their son.
Jason belts out a Garth Brooks classic Ainít Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up. Jason has been accused of sounding too much like the artists he sings. I actually like it. He does the song well, with a semi-a cappella twist at the end. I like it. The crowd likes it. Itís fun for the whole family. Phil takes a line from Bret and says ďyou always bring it when you sing itĒ. I get it now. The judges are taking each otherís lines to mix it up a bit. Those sneaky bastards. Iím on to them however.
Yet More FillerÖAnd An Elimination
I wasnít gonna mention this, but all of the ten finalists take the stage to sing Big Star. Each finalist comes out in reverse elimination order. Once Jayron comes out, my eardrums almost shatter from hearing the other finalists. My god, Tamika Tyler herself almost set my skin on fire. And this was a gal that I had picked to go far. Yes folks, this is why Iím not in the business. After that performance Iím even more tone deaf. Itís interesting to look back and see the division of quality between the final four and the rest of the bunch.
Weíre finally ready for the first elimination of the night. Sadly, itís Jody Evans. He has a unique niche with his music. I suspect weíll be seeing him on CMT late one night, rocking his guitar and doing well for himself. Jody is thankful for just making it to the final show and would like to thank the other cast members for being a part of the experience.
Weíre again treated to a montage of greatest moments from this season. Strangely, Anastasia gets most of the air time with her comments. Itís funny to watch all the ways she said ďyou suckĒ in that sultry, sexy voice. It almost comes across as a compliment.
Both Jason and Erika take the stage together and sing Only In America before singing separately The Cowboy In Me and Sheís In Love With The Boy respectively. Itís the last time those two will sing before the winner is announced. Thank god. I mean Iím enjoying the music, but for the love of all things country, tell us the winner damn it!
Drum Roll PleaseÖ.
Finally after ten mind numbing minutes of Jason and Ericka telling us how much theyíve enjoyed the experience, itís time to announce the winner. With the two of them holding hands, LeAnn announces that Erika Jo is the winner of Nashville Star. The crowd goes nuts and Erika is beside herself. Itís a good thing she added a layer of Minwax over her foundation. Her smile was so big, she couldíve sent shards of plaster into the crowd.
Erika takes the stage to sing her soon to be hit song I Break Things. Itís an ok song. Itíll be a hit on the more pop country stations and thus her crossover begins.
On behalf of Mariner and I, I would like to thank you all for enjoying Nashville Star through our recaps. We laughed, we cried, we shared this experience together. Peace out!
Who really shouldíve won Nashville Star? Email me your thoughts at: Speedbump@fansofrealitytv.com or email@example.com