Episode 7 (4/12): "Beer Bottles and Underwear"

[speedbump]

Howdy cowpokes. I’m back after my weeklong mourning of Tamika’s departure. I promised myself not to get emotionally invested in our last cowgirl standing as to avoid puffy eyes, dried tear ducts and rosy cheeks. But I’m a glutton for punishment so I say bring it on…

The Vamp and the Tramp…Which Is Which?
Meow was the only word that rolled off my tongue when I saw Sara Evans. Well, actually a few other’s came out but we’re a family site and I’m not sure how to spell them correctly anyways. Turns out our little dominatrix-diva will be filling in for Leann. And as for Leann: Um, she sick. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going out with the girl who saw Leann pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it’s pretty serious. And with a heavy sigh I wish my sick cherub well and focus my attention back on to Sara’s get-up.

We’re in for a treat this week with Jamie O’Neal. Fresh out of the tanning bed, complete with white shades around her eyes *damn those blinkies*, Jamie gets her groove on with her latest single Trying To Find Atlantis. It’s ok. Something seemed “off” with her performance, but hey, who am I to judge? I work at the Maxi-Mart selling cherry flavored ice slushies and porn.

My Town-Your Town, Potato-Potahto
It’s time for Sara to get some face time and for us to see whom the first person to sing is. It’s Jason Meadows. Well at least they got the obvious out of the way. Jason tells us in disbelief that even people in Hawaii and Alaska are voting. Knock-knock…anybody home?

Jason hits My Town out of the Oklahoma ballpark and into Alaska *where people really do vote* and I’m once again back onboard the Meadows bandwagon. Once I find where I hid my trash can lid sized belt buckle, I’ll be promoted to vice president. There’s endearing worship from all the judges but Bret’s “This is your town” pretty much sums it up. Yes, even Sits With Moccasins Anastasia was digging it.

Next up is Jayron Weaver. Hmmm…which Rascal Flatts band member will he impersonate tonight? Instead, Jayron pays tribute to Vince Gill by singing a jazzed up version of Liza Jane. What’s a cute little innocent boy singing a song like that? Maybe Tonto is trying to score a little Pocahontas? Nevertheless ‘Stasia isn’t buying his change of song. She basically holds back the tears of laughter and says she still can’t imagine him dodging beer bottles and women’s underwear. And that my friends, was the best line of the night. They should’ve ended the show right then and there. Both Bret and Phil agree that he sings right on but they want to see more passion. Am I the only one tiring of the same old clichéd adjectives?

Turning a Half Hour Show Into an Hour
If we were watching Baywatch, this would be the point of the show where C.J. and Caroline would be running slow-mo on the beach, all the right body parts jiggling and on their way to save some lucky schmuck’s life. Not so on Nashville Star. Instead, it’s time for some bubbly fun sing-along’s. I guess Up With People already had a gig.

The five remaining contestants sing and sway to Jamie O’Neals When I think About Angels and then shift to Phil Vassar’s In A Real Love. Phil’s pulling double duty tonight as a singer and judge and pulls it off well. I shouldn’t really give the sugary time-filler that much gruff. It was fun and they sounded great.

I guess this is where I should put my obligatory Cledus comment. I’m still trying to decide if Cledus is looking to reinvent his style each week or if he is rushing back from the set of La Cage aux Folles. Either way, he forgot to leave his flaming pink glasses behind and the contrast with his bleached pencil thin beard had me going batty. So there’s my Cledus comment. ‘Nuff said.

Black Velvet and the Velvet Elvis
Now that the fun and games are over, it’s time to get back to the real singing. Erika Jo is the next contestant to take the stage. She’s kinda nervous about being the last lassie standing and hopes that she can be the next Nashville Star. Erika looks hott…with two t’s. Her outfit accentuates the sexiness of Alannah Myles’s Black Velvet.

This song conjures up mucho memories for me. I was in high school. I had the standard feathered mullet and wore Chuck Taylor’s. I pegged my pants. I was a dork. And while Erika was still learning how to keep SpaghettiOs on her baby spoon, I was already blaring this song in my ’76 Plymouth Fury wallowing in self pity over a breakup with my first love. So while this song instantly took me back down amnesia lane, I was strangely glued to the television and amazed at how well she sang it.

It was sexy and she had my attention. She also had Bret’s attention. I thought for sure he hand gestured “call me after the show” for a second there. Anastasia said this was the year for a girl to win. Girl power! Woo Hoo! In all honesty, I think it’s her year as well. She can crossover better than the other’s and in today’s music, that means tons of money.

And Then There Was One
Does anyone else think Justin David should just shave whatever that is on his face? Even Cledus knows how to use a razor. Wait…did I just give Cledus props? Anyways, it’s down to Justin and Jody and I have my fingers crossed. Sara reads the results and it’s Jody who will advance to next week. I fully admit that I jumped up with glee, did the tomahawk chop- complete with vocals- and thanked all the voters out there (even those in Hawaii) for finally coming to their senses.

They saved the best for last and Jody rocks it big time. Jody sings Juke Joint Jumpin and tears it apart. His vocal style is perfect for this song. At the end of the song, Jody kisses his guitar and gives it a toss. Perfect ending and I’m left wanting more, more, more. Looking back to the very first show, I would’ve bet that Jody would’ve been gone in a week. Now I’m thinking that he may…just may have a shot at the finals. Phil is glad that Jody is in the contest and he’s fun to watch. Anastasia digs him and Bret wants to party. Now that’s something completely new and different.

Can you believe that we’re down to four contestants left? Where has the time gone? It looks like Sara will be back- hopefully in a naughty number complete with whip- and Bret takes the stage to sing an old Poison classic and his new country single. Mariner will be taking on what’s sure to be a wacky and zany episode. I’m sending good vibes your way Mariner….

Help me send get well wishes to Leann at: Speedbump@fansofrealitytv.com

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[Aceon6]

Great recap. Thanks for doing it.

[Misty8723]

Thanks for the awesome recap Speedbump! I think I enjoyed it more than the actual show.

Originally Posted by speedbump

They saved the best for last and Jody rocks it big time. Jody sings Juke Joint Jumpin and tears it apart. His vocal style is perfect for this song. At the end of the song, Jody kisses his guitar and gives it a toss. Perfect ending and I’m left wanting more, more, more. Looking back to the very first show, I would’ve bet that Jody would’ve been gone in a week. Now I’m thinking that he may…just may have a shot at the finals.Speedbump@fansofreality tv.com[/email]

I hope you're right!!!

[Tigrazhia]

Something seemed “off” with her performance, but hey, who am I to judge? I work at the Maxi-Mart selling cherry flavored ice slushies and porn.

I love your recap, you've got such a funny way of expressing yourself, I look forward to reading them! Great job & my best wishes to LeAnn, hope it's nothing serious & that she'll be back on her feet by the finals at least.

[JLuvs]

excellent recap --- so many parts had me laughing

[sher]

Originally Posted by speedbump

...but hey, who am I to judge? I work at the Maxi-Mart selling cherry flavored ice slushies and porn.

freakin' hysterical, speedy! and an absolutely brilliant recap. YAY JODY!!!!

[mom3]

Originally Posted by speedbump

Something seemed “off” with her performance, but hey, who am I to judge? I work at the Maxi-Mart selling cherry flavored ice slushies and porn.

AND

"And while Erika was still learning how to keep SpaghettiOs on her baby spoon, I was already blaring this song in my ’76 Plymouth Fury wallowing in self pity over a breakup with my first love. "

I need to come to this forum more often. You're a riot!

[Mariner]

Fabulous return from your bereavement leave Speed!