Episode 5 - The Wedding Countdown Begins
Not only was this week’s episode of My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé almost completely devoid of humor, as I’m writing without my sidekick LG, this recap is in danger of the same.
Last week, Randi and Steve admitted to her family not only have they fallen in love, but are engaged. This announcement was met with as much surprise as if Randi had announced her intention to undergo a sex-change operation. Yet all of this was a gentle build up to the bigger announcement to come.
This week the loving duo’s charge was to drop the other shoe: not only are they engaged, but they will be married on national television in three days.
As the faces of the Coy family collectively go white, The Siblings begin to protest. Bobby says the first thing that came to mind, “Three days? What day is that?” While big brother Pat begins the slow process of completely coming unglued. He pronounces the situation ‘retarded’ (but that’s because he’s college educated and all) and leaves the room.
Randi’s mom Catherine terms this a nightmare. Bruce thinks they are rushing things and finds all this very disturbing. Trying to make the point that Steve and Randi don’t know one another well enough to marry, he asks what Steve’s birthday and favorite colors are. (July 1 and Red, according to Randi). As sister Mel began to cry I could hear LG whisper “Marsha, Marsha.”
In early confessionals, we see Randi with brimming eyes tell us that she didn’t expect this to be so hard, and she’s not sure the hurt she’s causing her family is worth it. Randi admits she’d ultimately give up the million dollar prize for the good of her family.
Sadly, this episode so faithfully documents the Coy family angst that we miss seeing the antics of actor “Steve” which we’ve come to anticipate each week.
In short, Randi assures the family she’s in love with Steve, he’s ‘the one’ and that she has no doubts. Even if they believe she’s making the biggest mistake of her life, she hopes they will support her by coming to the wedding. All the while, I sense her wishing desperately for the powers of telepathy. Surely the mother-daughter bond is strong enough for Catherine to pick up, “Come to the wedding. One million dollars. Come to the wedding. One million dollars.”
36 hours till the wedding
Taking time to deal with the shock of the upcoming wedding, everyone retires to their rooms for the night, hoping things will look brighter in the morning. It’s apparently much later in the day before things look brighter, and Randi meets with her parents for a heart-to-heart talk. Mom and Dad confess they had talked a lot about packing up to leave, but ultimately decided they try to trust her decision and should stay and support her.
Catherine reassures, “We will love you whatever you do. Even if you went to prison, I’d still love you, and I’d come to visit you every Sunday.”
Actually, I can’t really poke fun at the Coy parents this week. Overall, their actions seem representative of how a close and loving family might react when faced with a similar scenario. If it weren’t for the Coy brothers, I’d have a completely snark-less recap to offer.
Enter sullen Pat and his sidekick Bobby. As Randi approaches them to talk, Pat demands that she postpone the wedding and spend more time with Steve before getting married. Pat’s either gone a little heavy on the steroids this month, or he’s under the influence of other anger-enhancing drugs.
“I can’t believe you are going through with this without caring about how we feel.” When Randi reminds Pat this is not his decision and says she is in love with Steve, Pat responds, “I don’t see how.”
Randi chooses this moment to again turn on the tears. What? You call me skeptical? Oh no, dear viewer, you weren’t watching closely. As soon as her family is out of earshot and Randi contemplates the million dollar prize ahead, the crocodile tears dry up instantly and are replaced with a gleam of greed. Watching Randi’s interactions with her family, I feel certain she’s used this method of getting her way with them more than once.
24 Hours Till the Wedding
The chairs are being set up on the lawn and the huge portico is being decorated when the male half of the bridal party head out to the tuxedo rental shop. Bruce quickly becomes annoyed as the other three are “continually goofing around.” Steve’s “dad” Richard noticed Bruce had his game face on for the event. “He’s trying to be brave and just get through it.” Best friend Jimmy, fresh from the personal lap dance he gave Steve, quipped, “He’s just worried about Steve’s girth crushing her on their wedding night. “
Bruce noted Steve had sweated through is shirt in the process of trying on his tux, “I don’t think he belongs in the Coy family.” Wow. Not only are the Coy’s nearly perfect, they don’t sweat either.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Randi, Catherine, maid of honor Anna and Steve’s mom meet the wedding planner to go over last-minute details. When discussing the hors d'oeuvres, Steve’s mother suggests simpler fare be served, “Like Rice Krispie treats? Oh, and Steve loves those little Hot Pockets.”
Catherine keeps a polite smile pinned to her face. As the wedding cake is revealed, the discussion turns to the tradition of freezing the top layer for consumption on a first anniversary.
“Like the placenta!” exclaims Steve’s mom. As the muscles in Catherine’s neck turn taut from keeping her jaws clenched while smiling, Steve’s mom explains that some cultures freeze the placenta and eat it on their child’s first birthday. “Like a pate’”
Without missing a beat, Steve’s mom turns the conversation to a class she took called, “Stripping for the Every Day Woman.” Catherine’s headache becomes almost visible with the disclosure that the senior Williams have a pole mounted in their bedroom. “Richard loves it! It’s so much fun!”
16 Hours Till the Wedding
It’s finally time for the rehearsal dinner. Randi arrives in jeans and is fashionably late, as usual. I’ve seen her Mac Tools toolbox full of cosmetics, so this dressy casual look must take hours to achieve.
Mom and Dad Coy arrive for the rehearsal, but without The Siblings. As the wedding party does a walk through of tomorrow’s ceremony, the Coys look increasingly shell-shocked. “Every mother dreams of her first daughter’s wedding,” says Catherine with regret obvious in her voice.
As the wedding planner goes through the ceremony, she notes, “ .. and this is the part where we ask for any objections.” Randi shoots her father a look. You can almost see the wheels turning in Bruce’s mind. Or maybe it was the editing.
Later, Steve’s ‘best friend’ Jimmy offers a lengthy and somewhat bawdy toast which mentioned something about a ‘blonde Asian chick’ and “I can’t wait to date your first daughter.” Bruce notes the evaporation rate in his wine glass seems to be exceedingly high this evening, and heads for a refill.
12 Hours Till the Wedding
After asking Randi once again if she were really ‘going through with this’ Catherine gathers The Siblings together to deploy the greatest weapon known to mankind: Mom Guilt. On hidden camera she pleads with her children to be united in supporting Randi, regardless of how they feel about her decision. “Do it for me. I want you to be at that wedding.”
Next week: It’s time for a wedding. Will The Siblings attend? Will Dad object? Will Randi cry? Will the family forgive Randi for this trick if she wins a million dollars? Tune in and see, then read the FORT recap, as Bumpkin and LG. finish out the season.
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