My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé Week 4: The Moose is Loose!
Welcome back friends to the FORT recaps for Fox’ newest low in reality TV fare, that is until The Littlest Groom premiers next month. My co-recapper Bumpkin is stuck working on a big super secret project at work this week, so I’m flying solo on this endeavor. Maybe the project isn’t “super secret” as much as it’s ARRRRRGHHHHH, I don’t want to even talk about it, stupid job, I don’t even have time to spend with my kids, AAACCKKK. Bumpkin and I actually worked out a ‘job-share’ for this show as I’m going to be similarly indisposed for next week’s episode. Suffice to say that the two writers who usually think with one brain will be forced to work with only half of our resources for the next two weeks, but because we’re recapping a Fox show, we’re hoping no-one notices.
Ok, enough about the saga of the working mommies, let’s cut this social commentary and get back to decadent reality TV. When we last left our happy couple, Steve had just introduced Randi to the troupe of actors known as Steve’s Family. We’re treated to some highlights of Steve’s “Mom” measuring Randi’s hips for potential big baby pushing and Steve’s “Sister” being coaxed out of wielding a large knife. We’re reminded of the story of Sis chasing Steve down the street with a butcher knife and see clips of a rather wild-eyed Sis swinging the knife around in a David Arquette “hey, crazy” kind of way. The only thing missing from Steve’s Sister’s knife story was an ex-husband named John Wayne Bobbitt. Um, no pork tenderloin for me tonight, thanks.
Getting to Know You, And Change Everything About You . . .
Now it was Randi’s turn to introduce her relatives to her new fiancé. Randi is dreading introducing Steve to her family. She’s scared that her family won’t like Steve. Well Randi, you don’t like Steve, and you know your family, so that’s probably a pretty good indicator. Oh what the heck, half a million dollars will change your life so dramatically that it’s worth it, right? I wouldn’t be surprised to see if Randi has “There is really no such thing as a free lunch” tattooed on her ass when she does her Playboy shoot that she agreed to after losing her job teaching at a Catholic grade school after appearing on this show. OK, I’m making that up, I don’t know about any modeling contracts in the offering, but this is a lesson to take to heart, kids. If someone offers you money to do something, there’s usually a reason.
The plan is to meet the Coy family at the marina and go for a little cruise around the harbor on a very nice boat. As Randi and Steve are in the limo on the way to the harbor, she lectures him about how to act around her family. Don’t tell them that you’ve done any drugs. If you don’t know how to hit something, don’t even try. Ah, foreshadowing, my old friend, is that you again already?
Some folks might say that Randi is a “the glass is half empty” type person while Steve is a “let’s see if I can make farting noises in my glass with a straw” type of person, but here’s is proof positive that Randi truly is an optimist. While riding in the limo towards the meeting with her family, she tells the camera: “I’m expecting the worst, but let’s hope for the best.” And that you shall receive, Randi, if by “best” you mean the ultimate in embarrassment for you resulting in some of the best moments on TV that I’ve seen in quite some time.
Praise the Lord and Pass the Xanax
As evidenced by that last bit of optimism, things were going too smoothly for Randi on the way to meet her family, so Steve decides to have a panic attack in the limo. Randi leaps across the limo to get Steve some water when Steve starts hyperventilating and starts crying and then has the limo driver pull over. He’s lying on the street along the side of the road. She’s standing over him, nagging him to get up. He is desperately reaching up for her hand and she backs away a safe distance from his flailing arms. She didn’t even help him up. He asked for mouth to mouth, and Steve laughs in an aside that she would let him die on the pavement. I’m not sure about “die” Steve, but she isn’t going out of her way to calm down a friend in need. My daughter has a picture book of Bible stories so I only know the scantest of details, but I’m fairly certain the story of the Good Samaritan didn’t start out with a reality TV show contestant kicking her co-star out of a limo and leaving him in the dust. Where does Randi teach again, oh yeah, it was a Catholic elementary school, right up until she appeared on this show.
They’re standing on a boat in the harbor, waiting for the Coy family. Her family shows up in a limo, Randi runs out and hugs everyone, teary eyed. How is this meeting going to go? An unmitigated disaster of reality TV proportions? Well, that is just what we’d be expecting, isn’t it.
Randi Boot Camp – Mission Accomplished
The Coy family arrives and all introduce themselves to Steve very politely. I think they have a median height of 5’ 6”, so they are going to be rather deferential when meeting big old Steve, because as brother Patrick stated, he’s a lot bigger than everyone in her family. Dad’s first impression is that Steve is very polite. You know what they say about first impressions? Well you can forget all about that old saw, as this is Fox. Steve is a slob in couth clothing tonight, Coy family, but just you wait.
Steve picked up a platter full of champagne glasses, and Randi is terrified that he’s going to dump it all over them. Flashbacks of everything Steve has dropped so far. One of Randi’s brothers notes that Steve “conquerors over the whole Coy family” which can mean both that he towers over them in height, and also that he has won them over with his suave demeanor. One of those will still hold true at the end of this episode.
Let the interrogation begin. Steve works in computers, but he never went to college. The Coy Family’s first impressions were very favorable. Randi announces that her mini-makeover was successful. Steve points out: “My character got 30 IQ points and a soul overnight.” Eat your heart out, Extreme Makeover. Steve lets us know that he’s just lulling them into a sense of security before turning it on.
Back at the mansion, Randi’s Mom Catherine mentions that Steve is such a nice young man. Then Steve Williams brings out a surprise present. Randi looks nervous. Catherine loves the vase that Steve wrapped up for her Mom. Steve tells Randi that he actually took it from the mansion, not something he purchased. He thought Randi would freak out, but actually she was cool with it, and gave him a high fist, saying “we’re good.” He says that her support provided him with the calm to make it through those introductions. Ah yes, the healing powers of Randi’s magic love elixir. All is skittles and beer with the Coys and Steve and Randi at the mansion tonight. Tomorrow, however, Randi’s dream man will become her parents’ worst nightmare.
All Through Playing Coy, or Just Starting to Play the Coys
The next morning, Steve decides to revert to the “regular Steve Williams that we all know and love” so he grabs a plate full of donuts, goes to see Coy siblings Melanie and Bobby. Turning on the charm, Steve burps at Melanie and tells Bob about the monster poop that he took that morning. Then Steve wanders into big brother Pat’s room, makes poop jokes about dropping the kids off at the pool and offers him donuts.
Randi misses all of this action as she drones on in an aside that she’s developed a comfort level with Steve. She feels more comfortable being a little more affectionate with Steve, her “partner in crime.” Not comfortable enough to help him through a panic attack on the side of the road yesterday, but none the less not entirely recoiling in horror at the thought of an “absolutely no tongue” kiss with her fake husband at the engagement party tonight.
Randi is still blissfully unaware that Steve is a changed man since yesterday, as Steve joins her family in the morning without Randi. They play croquet and Steve is swearing, yelling at people, and clumsily swinging at the balls with wild abandon, violating Randi’s rule about “if you don’t know how to hit a ball in a sport, don’t even try.” Ironic how that came back, makes me think that the 5 or 6 rules we got to see last week were actually just a snippet of a much more lengthy and involved list. Swinging wildly, Steve’s all pitted out, flapping his t-shirt in the wind to expose his big hairy gut, and the Coys are not amused.
Steve intercepts Randi before she gets to talks to her family to get caught up with his day’s event of offending them greatly. She has no clue that their opinions have turned completely in the last couple of hours. Claudia joins them and tells them that the Coys need to meet Steve’s “Family” at the engagement party tonight.
Love Potion Number Nine
Lunch with Randi’s family, where they will find out that they are engaged. Heading up the stairs, Steve starts freaking out, saying “tell me you love me and it will be alright.” She does, and they show it over and over again. Steve says “I love you Randi” and the magic love elixir kicks in and he acts cool calm and collected again. Her family is staring at them when they show up.
Steve and Randi spill their “great news” about their engagement. The three sibling are stone cold. Somebody should check them for a pulse. Randi’s parents don’t know how to react. Dad gives her a hug, during which her dad says “are you sure about this” and she said “100%.” Randi wasn’t concerned about her siblings, as her main concern was her Mom and Dad, but the siblings were more visibly upset. Patrick said “any respect he had for Steve initially was gone” and he is very angry with the both of them.
Randi talks to her Dad, who tells her candidly that there is some hesitation now, but that he thinks she can build support for him over the course of the engagement. Little does he know that they ‘re about to tell them the wedding is in three days. Dad is taking this better than I would have expected. Of course my Dad wouldn’t be so calm about it. He’s be cleaning the contents of his gun case right about now, ordering my brothers to put me on a plane back to the ranch. But that’s just me, and we’re not Coy.
A Train Wreck of Galactic Proportions
The Coys are getting ready to meet the Williamses. Randi told her mom that Steve’s parents are ex-hippies, which Catherine says is “Ok, but I wouldn’t have much in common with hippies.” Steve imagines worlds colliding. Some scientists theorize that the Earth’s continental drift was a result of a collision with an asteroid or other large heavenly body. I wonder what massive planetary change will result on Planet Coy after colliding with the Williams Galaxy of all stars.
Steve wanted to tell Randi’s Dad that they haven’t had sex yet, but that he is “looking forward to it.” Dad says “we’ll leave that alone” and said “did you have to tell me that here? This is a party for crying out loud.” Oh yes, the party is just getting start. Quick Dad, picture your daughter naked with Steve playing the part of a fur coat.
The families try to make some small talk. Bruce Coy has coached every major sport. Dad Williams liked dodgeball. I love Dad Williams. He really knows how to deflate an over-inflated ego. Are we sure it was just Randi who got the family into this situation, and not a group of other Coy relatives, wishing a humbling experience on the whole clan?
Steve’s family starts belching contest. Randi joins in, but Bruce Coy says they raised their children to be mannerly. Dad Williams lets everyone know that he is a recovering alcoholic, not that there is anything wrong with that. Sis Williams is drunk and obnoxious, telling Catherine that someday they’ll all be dead, so she wants to live it up now before she’s dead and in the cold ground, that she can’t even feel, because she’ll be dead.
Now, the highlight of the evening. The Williams Clan is clamoring for Steve to do his family-famous moose impersonation. Steve relents after a long (ok, not so long) series of requests and says “I’m a Moose” while he pulls up his shirt and puts his hands in the shapes of antlers with his nipples serving as eyes and his gut looking like a big moose nose. Best friend Jimmy joins in too, making a blind moose (eyes covered up). I didn’t notice if anyone did a moose with glasses (thumb and index fingers encircling the nipples), but I’m sure it was part of the “I’m a moose” repertoire even if it didn’t make the edited version. I loved this part, as my family has silly routines just like this, intended mainly to alienate anyone who wasn’t born into our clan. Believe me, even though we’re from the frozen tundra of Wisconsin no-one native to my family will ever dare to say they are cold for fear that a family member will gallantly fart them a blanket. Sadly, moose on your chest impersonations aren’t quite the same on women as they are on somewhat pudgy men, so my fellow party-goers will likely be spared this routine from me.
During the party, Randi takes Steve for a walk, saying that Patrick is ticked. They go back inside for the announcement. Champagne is served. Glasses clang, Steve’s mom demands a kiss, which they do, and then a toast from Steve. One more surprise. We’re sorry to keep this from you. Randi: “we’re very excited.” We’re getting married in three days on TV. Pat storms off. “This is disturbing” stated Pat, an obvious newbie to reality TV fare, as that is hardly sound-bite material. Come on Patsy, try “Game on” or “Yatzee” or if you don’t want to borrow from Paradise Hotel, some other obscure phrase that just might catch on like “This is some Messed-Up Tidily-Winks.” That would definitely make the highlight reel and gain you a following on the internet. Pat, you’re showing potential, but aren’t making the most of your 15 minutes here buddy. I hope you step it up next week.
Speaking of next week, join us when Bumpkin resumes the reigns and we get the Coy Family’s reaction to the quickly impending nuptials. Then in two weeks, Bumpkin and I will be back in tag-team form for the finale. Just like Peaches and Herb, we’ll be Reunited and It Feels So Good. Note to Bumpkin, I call “dibs” on Peaches. You can be Herb. Until next week, enjoy the show, and my apologies for how late this was posted.