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Thread: Lewinsky's return very unnecessary

  1. #1
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Lewinsky's return very unnecessary

    Lewinsky's return very unnecessary

    CELIA RIVENBARK- FROM THE BELLE TOWER
    From The Myrtle Beach News

    Oh, Lord have mercy. Just when you thought "reality" TV shows couldn't get any worse (exhibits A-Z, the relentlessly icky "Married by America"), along comes Monica Lewinsky hosting a "romantic reality" show and dispensing dating advice.

    I was hoping we'd seen the last of the D.C. strumpet when she tearfully ran off the set of her own HBO special and into the arms of her Nutter Butter-brained mama, but nooooo. Monica has grabbed her 15 minutes of fame, wrassled them to the ground and is holding them - and us - hostage. She, like a bad burrito, simply won't go away.

    Who can we blame for Monica's new TV show, "Mr. Personality"? Could it beeeee Satan? No, but you're close: the Fox network.

    In Episode One, an attractive stockbroker named Hayley must choose her ideal date from 20 masked men. Get it? She can't see what they look like, so the guys must rely on their personalities to win her over. Personally, I'm pulling for the troll with the one eye in the center of his forehead. That oughta learn her.

    Fox, in its own twisted way, probably thinks this latest show is downright virtuous. After all, Hayley will be forced to choose a guy based on his inner beauty.

    Memo to Fox: Any guy with even an ounce of "inner beauty" wouldn't participate in this dreck.

    Fox says hostess Lewinsky will act as Hayley's confidante.

    I repeat. Lord have mercy. Look, Hayley, I know it's been a bad year for stockbrokers. I know because I just got the quarterly statement for my ever-dwindling 401(Kiss my money goodbye) plan and have spent most of the week mapping out a Fancy Feast retirement with my own Mr. Personality.

    But, girl, please. You do not want to take dating advice from Lewinsky. Perhaps you've forgotten: Monica didn't get the guy. What's your next move? Acting classes from Madonna?

    Seeing Monica back in the news reminds me of a theory that I have about her: She is really an Osmond. No, really. The big black hair, the chipmunk cheeks, the Chiclet teeth. She is the missing Osmond, the one they never talk about. The "one bad apple," as Donnie might say.

    Monica says her new job shouldn't surprise people. She told Newsweek that her affair with former President Clinton had made her a public figure and, "I've come to realize that I've already had my own reality show."

    I can't see how to make this any tawdrier unless she wolfs down a bowl of wriggling beetle larvae at the end of every show.

    Settle down, Fox. I thought of it first.

  2. #2
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    ya know, I'm slightly interested in this "advice" she's going to be giving.

    Beware of Cigars?
    Careful who you confide in?
    Save your clothes?
    Here's how you stretch your 15 minutes?

    Uhg.
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  3. #3
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
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    cali.

    Invest in knee pads.
    "That's Numberwang!"

  4. #4
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Yes, that is definitely one!!!!
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    It ain't easy being green Wayner's Avatar
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    Cali and Fluff, you're killin' me!

    Didn't her last "confidant" get hauled before a Senate sub-committee?

    Other possible advice: Proper use of stain removers.

    And knowing Fox, I garauntee that one of the guys under the mask is going to say "Hi, my name is Bill. I used to be in politics."

  6. #6
    Smiling again... Zhora's Avatar
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    Wow, Celia Rivenbark. Nothing like sitting on the fencepost. I wonder how she really feels.
    Iím haunted a little this evening by feelings that have no vocabulary and events that should be explained in dimensions of lint rather than words.
    -Richard Brautigan

  7. #7
    FORT Fogey
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    Monica -- the perfect FOX TV Host

    originally posted by cali
    ya know, I'm slightly interested in this "advice" she's going to be giving.
    Beware of Cigars?
    Careful who you confide in?
    Save your clothes?
    Here's how you stretch your 15 minutes?
    That's a good start.

    Who is Monica Lewinsky?
    1. A victim of the Press which hounded her as she fled from limo to Senate hearing and back to the limo?
    2. A media whore who bared her soul to Barbara Walters and later to HBO for the notoriety and the bucks?
    3. A talented personality that we should feel fortunate to have foisted on us?
    4. None or all of the above?

    I no longer feel anything for her. Wait, I do feel contempt. She was no victim. Just as Bubba was culpable in their stupid Oval Office sex games, so was Monica.

    I will say this for her, she would have outlasted Deena on Survivor, because she is one!

  8. #8
    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    Unnecessary? Like Fox has ever done anything necessary.

    I don't like her or dislike her...figure Fox thought the show needed a little more publicty so they picked someone who the news would jump all over.
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  9. #9
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Nancy I agree one hundred percent

    I am really just kidding around when guessing what advice she'll give

    I will say though, that I would NOT want her as my "confidant" and it has nothing to do with her past, I just don't know her!
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

  10. #10
    Mercenary gromit's Avatar
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    Originally posted by nlmcp
    Unnecessary? Like Fox has ever done anything necessary.

    I don't like her or dislike her...figure Fox thought the show needed a little more publicty so they picked someone who the news would jump all over.
    Pretty much the same here, only everytime I see her in the commercials pitching the show, it reminds me of Clinton, so then it makes me feel sick.
    I thought there used to be a 'pukey' face emoticon at this board -- if so, I'd use it!

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