Lewinsky's return very unnecessary
CELIA RIVENBARK- FROM THE BELLE TOWER
From The Myrtle Beach News
Oh, Lord have mercy. Just when you thought "reality" TV shows couldn't get any worse (exhibits A-Z, the relentlessly icky "Married by America"), along comes Monica Lewinsky hosting a "romantic reality" show and dispensing dating advice.
I was hoping we'd seen the last of the D.C. strumpet when she tearfully ran off the set of her own HBO special and into the arms of her Nutter Butter-brained mama, but nooooo. Monica has grabbed her 15 minutes of fame, wrassled them to the ground and is holding them - and us - hostage. She, like a bad burrito, simply won't go away.
Who can we blame for Monica's new TV show, "Mr. Personality"? Could it beeeee Satan? No, but you're close: the Fox network.
In Episode One, an attractive stockbroker named Hayley must choose her ideal date from 20 masked men. Get it? She can't see what they look like, so the guys must rely on their personalities to win her over. Personally, I'm pulling for the troll with the one eye in the center of his forehead. That oughta learn her.
Fox, in its own twisted way, probably thinks this latest show is downright virtuous. After all, Hayley will be forced to choose a guy based on his inner beauty.
Memo to Fox: Any guy with even an ounce of "inner beauty" wouldn't participate in this dreck.
Fox says hostess Lewinsky will act as Hayley's confidante.
I repeat. Lord have mercy. Look, Hayley, I know it's been a bad year for stockbrokers. I know because I just got the quarterly statement for my ever-dwindling 401(Kiss my money goodbye) plan and have spent most of the week mapping out a Fancy Feast retirement with my own Mr. Personality.
But, girl, please. You do not want to take dating advice from Lewinsky. Perhaps you've forgotten: Monica didn't get the guy. What's your next move? Acting classes from Madonna?
Seeing Monica back in the news reminds me of a theory that I have about her: She is really an Osmond. No, really. The big black hair, the chipmunk cheeks, the Chiclet teeth. She is the missing Osmond, the one they never talk about. The "one bad apple," as Donnie might say.
Monica says her new job shouldn't surprise people. She told Newsweek that her affair with former President Clinton had made her a public figure and, "I've come to realize that I've already had my own reality show."
I can't see how to make this any tawdrier unless she wolfs down a bowl of wriggling beetle larvae at the end of every show.
Settle down, Fox. I thought of it first.