You know, every week when I watch a new episode of More to Love, I hope that this will be the week when the girls just get over themselves and stop weeping uncontrollably in front of the cameras and stop with the self pity. This will not be that week. I also hope that Luke will quit with the cue card reading of perfect lines that every girl wants to hear. This will not be that week either. Alas, we have to make do with what we get, people, so let’s get on with it.
Luke has narrowed the field to eight women, but he’s still uncertain about who is right for him. He asks Emme to help him out. Emme gathers the ladies in the living room for a fun little self-esteem crushing game. Each girl is given a disk with the words “Good Wife” on one side and “Bad Wife” on the other. Each of them will stand up and the others will vote on whether she would make a good wife for Luke or a bad one. Show of hands here, does anyone think these girls are going to be objective? Yeah, me neither.
The game is pretty predictable. No one thinks Kristian will be a good wife because she’s too immature and emotionally unstable. Predictably, she cries. Most of the girls think Heather would make a good wife because she’s fun and a good person. Lauren complains that this game isn’t called “Good Person, Bad Person.” For that, Lauren should be grateful. Lauren gives the thumbs down to Tali because she thinks that, although Tali would look good on Luke’s arm, they don’t have much in common. Lauren pretty much votes no on everyone. Mandy gives Lauren the thumbs down: she’s too vulgar. Word.
When it’s Melissa’s turn, only Lauren says she’d be a good wife. The others all agree that Melissa needs more dating experience and life experience before she gets into a serious relationship. Melissa cries over this rejection of her personality. I roll my eyes like a cold-hearted bitch. Really, enough with the crying already.
Emme announces that this game was also a competition. Melissa received the most “Bad Wife” votes, while Heather received the most “Good Wife” votes. Both of them will be going on one-on-one dates with Luke. Lauren swears and fumes over Heather receiving another date with Luke. “What the *&%^ does fun have to do with being a wife?” she asks. Melissa cries and whines, saying she doesn’t want to be rejected by Luke. “Now I know why I never dated,” she cries.
Melissa’s Date (which I found so boring I didn't even bother coming up with a title for this section. So there!)
Melissa tells us she’s been asked out before, but never said yes because she thought it was a joke. Uh-huh. So not going out on a date was her decision. So much for the “Now I know why I never dated” thing. You never dated because you never said yes! Regardless of what the other girls think about Melissa, Luke wants to find out for himself whether or not she is right for him. They go to a Moroccan restaurant called Marrakech that, if I’m not mistaken is on Newport Boulevard. I’ve never been there, but years ago, I had a boyfriend who was convinced they served monkey brains straight out of the head, à la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, that one. Luke asks Melissa if she’s happy now that she was voted a bad wife. She replies that he’s not happy about the vote, but she’s happy to be on a date with him. Luke tells us he needs a confident woman and he worries that Melissa is just too shy. She tells us her confidence is improving and that she never felt pretty before this experience. For my money, this one is way too high maintenance.
Back at the house, Mandy announces that she thinks Melissa will be eliminated this week.
At the restaurant, Melissa is mortified when several belly dancers appear. After all, they’re skinny and Melissa is not. Oh, honey. Get over it. As the dancers try to entice Melissa into joining them, she keeps saying “I can’t do that.” Luke, on the other hand, is totally game. He ties a sash around his waist and goes for it, hoping that Melissa will relax if she sees him being uninhibited. To Luke’s credit, the plan works and Melissa loosens up a bit. Luke tells us that the real Melissa is starting to emerge from her shell and show him who she really is. Melissa says she really likes Luke and doesn’t want to go home yet. For the record: no monkey heads.
Good Wife? Good Grief
Heather’s date card comes. Because she won the vote, she deserves the royal treatment, the card reads: she should prepare to be pampered. Lauren, shockingly, is still bitter about Heather getting the one-on-one date. Heather goes upstairs and finds a room full of fancy dresses. These are like the leftovers from last week’s prom date. She picks her dress and goes downstairs to show it off and finds Melissa telling the others about her belly dancing date. When Melissa sees Heather, she whines to us about Heather’s great date compared with her crummy one. It’s not like you mucked out barn stalls or anything, dear. Talk about ungrateful. Jeez.
Luke tells us he’s trying to see if Heather is good wife material. Wow, this suddenly turned into The Bachelor: 1950’s Edition. The limo delivers Heather and Luke to a modern-day castle, complete with moat and draw bridge. I say “modern-day” because this place looks like it belongs in an amusement park, not in 18th century, well, anywhere. Luke rolls out the smooth lines about loving the view…no, not the castle: Heather. She falls for it, of course, and they make out.
Back at the house, the date card for the group date arrives. Luke knows that not getting a one-on-one date may have been stressful, so he’s planned a day of luxury. More than one of the girls predicts that the ruthlessness factor will be increasing now that there are fewer of them competing for Luke. Lauren, we’re looking at you.
Heather and Luke have dinner and he tells us he wants to find out how she feels about family. Heather tells Luke she’s always seen herself as a career mom, but then admits she’s not really given the whole kids thing that much thought. Luke then brings down the room by getting very serious. There’s something he’s been wanting to tell her and he can’t keep it from her any more: he has three children. *crickets* He’s kidding! The conversation had gotten a little too serious and he was trying to lighten the mood. Wow, Luke. That was hilarious. I’m sure Heather’s glad she didn’t flip out and rant about how she doesn’t want to be raising another woman’s children.
Heather and Luke talk about their childhoods. It’s clear he’s looking for a stay-at-home kind of girl because he asks Heather if she’d be open to staying at home with children. Because she knows it’s the right answer, she says yes. Because this is a Fleiss production and it’s required, Luke and Heather sit in front of a roaring fire and kiss. He compliments her looks like he’s Eddie freaking Haskell. She eats it up.
Spa de Jealousy
The next morning, the girls who didn’t get a one-on-one date – Malissa, Tali, Anna, Mandy, Lauren and Kristian – hop into a limo and go to meet Luke. Of course, they’re all drinking in the limo, which leads to dishing about Heather’s date and discussion about how many of them have kissed Luke. Like that’s going to improve anyone’s self-esteem at this point.
The limo pulls up at the St. Regis Spa and, man, the producers shelled out some change for that, I’m sure. The St. Regis doesn’t need the advertising….or maybe they do. Regardless, this is a pretty chi-chi location. The girls all go to their private room, where they put on white, terrycloth robes and go to meet Luke for lunch. Luckily, they’re wearing bathing suits under the robes. No need for pixilated naughty parts. Luke leers at the girls as they shed the robes and get some sun. Malissa is the designated “I hate myself in a bathing suit” whiner this time.
Apparently, Malissa doesn’t hate herself too much in that bathing suit, because the next thing you know, she’s in a bathtub with Luke wearing said bathing suit. We’ve seen this part on every preview of the show. Luke rubs her shoulders as I pray that the front of that suit holds. The pixilation budget for the entire season will break if that suit comes down. They make out in the bathtub, which is (extra points to Fleiss for this one) in front of a roaring fireplace. Malissa tells us she knows weight isn’t an issue with Luke. As soon as the date is over, Malissa returns to the other girls and dishes about her alone time with Luke. Classy.
Mandy cries to the camera about Luke spending time with the other girls and, you know, sticking his tongue down their throats. Luke has lunch with all of the girls. He tells us that his goal is to have all the ladies be comfortable and let go of their inhibitions. He says it’s not about a person’s weight: it’s about self-confidence. Lauren tells us she’s confident in Luke’s feeling for her when he looks at her. She’s sure she’ll be there until the end. Oh, honey. Bless your little profanity-laden heart.
For their alone time, Mandy and Luke get massages. They hold hands as they lay on the massage tables. Mandy admits she’s having a hard time with this process and wants to explain to Luke that this is the reason for her shyness. He knows she’s holding back because of the other girls. She tells him it’s also because he could be the right guy for her and that’s scary. More kissing ensues. How do you think Lauren would feel if she knew he was playing tonsil hockey with almost every one of the girls and not with her? Hee.
Lauren is the last girl to get alone time with Luke at the spa. She’s already complaining that she’s going to get gypped on her time with him because hers is the last date. Give that girl a cigar. She and Luke are, seemingly, three minutes into their time together when the other ladies (who have been playing with the various spa treatments) call to Luke to join them in the giant whirlpool tub. Of course he does and, of course, Lauren fumes and swears some more.
Dance: 10 Looks: 3
It’s time again for the cocktail party/mixer/parade of desperation. Some of the girls rate their confidence on a scale of 1-10. Heather says she’s a 9. Melissa? A 5. Luke arrives at the mixer hoping to finalize his decision on who to keep and who to eliminate. First up for alone time is Lauren. She tells us there’s passion between her and Luke. He greets her with a kiss on the cheek. Yes, it’s a restrained passion. Like with handcuffs. Luke asks Lauren if she thinks she’s approached this situation with more of a competitive spirit than the other ladies. She tries to explain that, while she thinks she is more competitive, it’s about competing for his heart and not just about “winning.” Luke tells us Lauren has definitely opened up more about her jealous side. He doesn’t say if that’s good or bad, although I have my suspicions.
Next up for alone time is Mandy. She tells Luke she wants to dance with him. They slow dance like they’re in junior high. Luke kisses her. She tells him how special this experience is for her. She wants to call him her boyfriend and she hasn’t felt that way about someone in a long time. Luke asks Mandy to be patient and she agrees.
Melissa is apparently a complete mystery to Luke. He blames her shyness. Melissa tells Luke that meeting him has made her more confident. She feels like she can be loved and then tells him she is falling in love with him: he’s the one guy who has cared about her. Yes, except for the other guys who asked her out only to be turned down. Revisionist history, honey.
Emme suddenly appears to collect the rings from each woman. Only six of them will get their rings back tonight since Luke will be sending two of them home. As Luke faces the ladies, he gives the obligatory pre-elimination speech. This time it’s the time-tested “this is getting more difficult as the group gets smaller, but I’m excited about finding the right girl” speech. As the rings are given out, Lauren is still swearing about how her alone time with Luke during the spa date got cut short. She’ll be pissed if she doesn’t get a ring tonight. Always the lady. Meanwhile, Melissa tells us that, if she gets sent home now, it’ll take her another 21 years to find another great guy. Seriously. Does this girl hear herself?
Without further ado, here’s who gets a ring from Luke this week:
Tali, who we’ve seen for a combined 5 minutes this season
That means Melissa and Lauren are going home. Lots of crying (Melissa) and swearing (Lauren) ensues. Lauren manages to be classy when saying goodbye to Luke, wishing him good luck. She tells us that she has no clue why she wasn’t chosen: she knows the other girls aren’t as right for him as she is. Melissa steps forward to say goodbye to Luke. He thanks her for coming and tells her it was nice to meet her. Luke tells Melissa he knows she’ll do great things with her life. Melissa cries (what else) and tells us it would have been nice to bring home her first boyfriend to her parents, but obviously this wasn’t meant to be. She says this experience has made her more confident and she knows now that there’s someone out there for her: her fairy tale isn’t over. Yes, but her fairy tale on TV is over and we won’t have to watch any more of her boo-hooing and for that, I’m grateful.
Next week: Oh, what else: more tears, more jealousy and more wacko behavior from Kristian. You know you want to watch.