Welcome back to another episode of More to Love, aka Low Self Esteem on Parade. We’re only 3 weeks into this little journey and already we’ve had more crying and self-pity than on every season of The Bachelor put together. Last week, Luke said goodbye to Arianne, Vanessa and Magali, none of whom I could probably pick out of a lineup. He’s down to twelve ladies this week, all of whom will likely end up weeping some time during the episode. This week, we pick up the action the morning after elimination.
It’s breakfast at the mansion and the girls are sitting around and talking about, what else, Luke. The ladies who went on the pool date are being grilled by the rest of the group about Luke’s bod in a bathing suit. Kristian gushes that she wants to know about “every crevice” of Luke’s body. I know. It’s just as nauseating typing now it as was at the time. Pretty soon, little Krissy is going to graduate from Junior Stalker to full-fledged Master Stalker. Meanwhile, Anna worries about the connection Luke has made with the other girls.
The man of the hour arrives and gathers the girls in the living room. He begins by saying that he never thought he’d meet a group of ladies he’s have so much in common with. Because of their weight, all of them may have missed out on some experiences growing up. He wants to help make up for a little bit of that by taking them all to prom! The girls squeal like little girls at the pile of dress boxes in front of them: Luke has supplied them all with beautiful gowns to wear. You know, if this was an actual prom, the dresses would be made out of crappy satin and scratchy lace and wouldn’t fit right…maybe I’m just having flashbacks to my own prom dresses.
As they try on dresses and then get their hair, makeup and nails done, a number of the girls, including Tali, admit they didn’t go to prom. Kristian reveals that she went stag to her prom and then borrowed a friend’s date to take pictures for her mom. Now that is sad.
It’s Raining on Prom Night
The girls all meet a stunned and be-tuxed Luke. He’s clearly pleased with how the ladies look and I have to admit, they all look pretty good. Hey, did you know Melissa has never been on a date? It’s true. She cries and tells us she’s dreamt of this moment her whole life. I hope she hasn’t been dreaming of going to prom with a guy who had 11 other dates, ‘cause that’s just aiming low, romantically speaking.
The champagne is flowing in the limo and Luke tells us he knows this is an important night. He wants to give the girls the prom they always dreamed of. The “prom” is taking place in what looks like a bad 80’s night club. All that’s missing is the silver lame curtain and the soundtrack from Flashdance. Luke tries to lighten the mood by dancing like a loon. I have to hand it to him. He’s definitely not afraid of acting the fool to make others more comfortable. It’s kind of sweet, actually.
You know, before we go any further, I have to just say something. This is for big busted girls everywhere: just because you can wear a strapless dress doesn’t mean you should. Actually, that’s advice for ALL women. If you constantly have to do the full-body yank (you know what I mean – when you have to bend your knees to get it started) of the dress to avoid giving the entire free world a special showing of the twins, then pick a different dress. Seriously. I’m begging.
Because this is a 12-on-1 situation, Luke’s dance card is full. He slow dances with every one of the ladies, including Melissa, who claims she doesn’t know how to slow dance. Really? It’s not like it’s the frickin’ Tango or anything, honey. Just sway side to side. For God’s sake, rent Footloose – it’s not that hard. At this point, Luke has pretty much kissed every single one of these girls. Creepy factor: 10, because he does it in plain sight of all 11 of the other ladies. It’s sort of like one of those shows on VH1, only the “eligible bachelor” in question isn’t wearing gold teeth or, like, a really bad hair weave.
Emme arrives on the scene looking (sorry, ladies) better than all of Luke’s potential mates. She’s stunning and she’s probably old enough to be at least their much older sister. For once, Emme isn’t acting as the harbinger of doom to collect their rings or announce a surprise elimination. Instead, she has a good surprise for Luke: two of his best friends – Chase and Sam – are here. They all do the patented Dude Hug with lots of back slapping. Emme reveals that, like every other prom, this one will have a prom queen. Chase and Sam are here to get to know the girls and choose a prom queen, who will get a one-on-one date with Luke.
Chase and Sam seem like nice enough fellows and they set out to try to get to know each of the ladies. The problem is that they can’t seem to get past Danielle’s giant pie hole to get to know any of the other ladies. Danielle talk and talks as the other ladies get more annoyed. Chase and Sam seem to like the chatty ones, because when Emme announces their pick for prom queen it’s, you guessed it, Danielle. The guys say there was just something about her. Uh-huh. Lauren says – in her own delicate way – what I was thinking: “What the ^&%*?” Girl has a way with words. Danielle cries as she’s crowned and sashed. Bonnie points out the obvious difference between this and other prom queens: usually, the prom queen is actually liked. Luke tells us he’s surprised the guys picked Danielle because she definitely wasn’t at the top of his list.
”Shut up! You talk to much and you never shut up!”
The next day, the girls talk about the prom and how jealous they are that Danielle is getting alone time with Luke. Danielle admits that she’s only been on three dates…..and they were all first dates. We will soon see the reason for her lack of second dates.
When Luke arrives for her date, Danielle declares that she doesn’t want to talk on this date: she wants to DO something. Apparently, the only thing Danielle knows how to do is talk. She talks at a bewildered Luke in the limo and Luke states the obvious to us: there’s no dialog with Danielle. It’s just her talking at you. A LOT.
The limo pulls up in front of the Harborside Restaurant in Newport Beach. This is entirely too cool a place for this bad of a date. I used to work right near that restaurant, which is on the Balboa Penninsula. If you like seafood and you ever get a chance to go, do it. It’s kind of a Newport Beach institution. Luke has brought Danielle there because he wants to try to get to know her better and to have her try some of his favorite foods. Let’s be honest, I’m sure ten minutes into the limo ride, Luke was wanting to take her to Burger King, but since they probably set up the lights and everything at the Harborside, he was stuck. So much for Danielle trying Luke’s favorite foods, by the way: she hates seafood. This is like the date from Hell. Could these two be any more incompatible? While Danielle won’t eat fish, she does order dessert. It’s a giant chocolate and nut encrusted frozen banana. She eats it lewdly and talks with food in her mouth. Luke just looks alarmed.
Hoping maybe he can push her overboard and get some peace, Luke takes Danielle outside, where they hop into a gondola for what Luke hopes will be a relaxing ride. He’s wiped out from Danielle’s verbal waterboarding. Luke has the good manners to ask why Danielle has never had any second dates, although I’m pretty sure he knows the reason already. They have awkward conversation and Danielle gushes to us that she thinks the date is going great. To steal a line from Ken Branagh, “Ladies and gentlemen, the self-awareness of Zsa Zsa Gabor.” We don’t see Luke drop Danielle off, but I like to imagine that the limo barely slowed as he shoved her out.
The One Where Heather Doesn’t Vomit
Because her experience on the group date (i.e. puking over the side of the boat) wasn’t so great, Luke decides to take Heather on a date, so they can spend some time getting to know each other. Heather is thrilled: she feels like she’s behind the other girls because she was sick on the one date she’s been on with Luke. Lauren charmingly swears a blue streak over Heather getting a one-on-one date with Luke. She’s sure this date will get Heather eliminated….and I think Lauren’s mouth will end up getting her eliminated. More flies with honey, dear.
Heather meets Luke out in front of the house, where they hop into a limo. He refuses to tell her where they are going: she’ll find out soon enough. She tells us she’s not comfortable in romantic situations, but it seems like Luke is. The limo pulls up at a stable: yep, they’re going horseback riding. Luke laughingly asks if this horse will mind someone over 300 pounds riding him. He’s told no, but weren’t you wondering that too?
Back at the house, the ladies chill by the pool and Kristian decides it time to alienate everyone else in the house who isn’t already pissed off at her. She starts in on Danielle, saying that she spends a lot of the time wanting to wring Danielle’s neck. She then turns to Melissa, who may look sweet on the outside, but Kristian knows she’s hiding something. Melissa just looks confused…kind of like Bambi. Looks like sweet little Kristian is starting to come out of her shell.
Luke and Heather continue their horseback ride and seem to be hitting it off. Luke admits he could get used to this. Heather wonders if he means horseback riding or the date with her: both, he says. Later, they sit and talk. Luke asks Heather what she thinks her greatest gift is. She says she has a good voice, but doesn’t know if she’d be successful because of her size. Luke tries to encourage her: couldn’t she just be herself and that would be enough? Or, you know, she could get some face time on a reality show….that might help her career.
Heather tells us that she’s never talked to a date or a boyfriend before about her size. She says she loves herself and hopes Luke can see that. Okay, I’d buy the great self-esteem thing if she wasn’t bawling her eyes out while claiming to be happy with herself.
Oversharing and Desperation Are Not Effective Dating Strategies
Luke arrives for the cocktail party and seems to single out Heather with a kiss on the cheek as the ladies all squeal about his presence….and plan to throw Heather down the stairs at the earliest opportunity. Lauren immediately takes Luke aside and, while you just know she wants to dish more dirt on the other girls, she spends the time talking about how much she and Luke have in common. She smugly tells us that she knows she isn’t going anywhere. Luke says Lauren is trying to assert herself as his woman and he likes it.
Luke thinks the girls know about the connections he’s made with each of them. Of course, what he doesn’t realize is that they all think they’ve made MUCH bigger connections with him. At least two of them are picking out wedding invitations. In a quiet moment with Luke, Bonnie reveals that she has a gift for him. To get it, he just has to go diving in her cleavage. She’s a subtle one, that Bonnie. Luke bravely goes in and pulls out a little drawing of himself. He looks pleased, but who knows.
Kristian hasn’t had her one-on-one time with Luke yet tonight, so here we go. Brace yourselves: it’s pretty cringe-worthy. Because Kristian seemingly knows nothing about men, or editing herself, she yammers on, unfiltered, about how great Luke is. He’s the man she’s been dreaming about since she was a little girl, Kristian gushes. She then tells him she’s falling for him. Oh, crap. She tells us she’s scared about being vulnerable. Yeah, all evidence to the contrary, honey. She then goes on to cry about not having a man to make her feel beautiful. She cries some more. It’s really quite alarming.
Do Tattoos Really Scare Mothers?
Before Kristian can tell Luke she wants to have his babies, Emme appears to tell everyone the party’s over. She then collects the rings and breaks the bad news: four women will be going home tonight. Gasps all around.
Luke stands before the ladies and tells them he feels like the luckiest man alive to be with such amazing women. He never thought he would make so many strong connections. He then thanks them all for putting themselves out there. With that little bit of business over, he starts with the ring giving. Here’s who gets a ring this week:
That means Bonnie, Danielle, Amanda and Christina are going home this week. Emme tells the four eliminated women to say their goodbyes. Christina boldly tells Luke he made a mistake by eliminating her. Luke counters that he just doesn’t think they’d be good together. Bonnie shows a little more grace in leaving and Luke thanks her for the picture she drew him. She tells us that she knows she would scare the crap out of Luke’s mom, which is not a good thing. Amanda tells us she’s prettier than many of the others and definitely is prettier than Melissa. She says she’s never lost a guy to a girl she was smaller than or prettier than. Well now, good for you with the self-esteem, dear. Now, run along. Danielle actually keeps it short and tells Luke she hopes he’ll find the girl of his dreams….hopefully one who will let him get a word in edgewise.
Next week: More than one girl thinks Kristian is unstable, Tali’s getting jealous and Luke may be falling in love with more than one of the girls.