Welcome to the finale of Momma’s Boys! Last week, the guys, their chosen girls and their annoyed mothers headed to the US Virgin Islands. The reason I know this is that I saw the previews. Since NBC didn’t upload the episode until almost a week after it aired, I not only didn’t get to recap it, I haven’t even gotten to watch it yet. Harumph! Here’s what I do know: Rob’s choices are down to Camilla and
his motherLauren; Michael is down to Erica and Amanda after his mother made him dismiss Playboy model Meghan; and JoJo’s will be choosing between blonde and buxom Mindy and his loud, bigoted mother. Also, Erica STILL has not told Michael or Lorraine that she is the Penthouse Pet of the Year. I’m sure it’s pure coincidence that her confession will be taking place on this, the season finale. By the end of the episode we’ll know which woman the men have decided to sail of into the sunset with.
The Most Uncomfortable Segment. EVER
Because there’s only one girl left and JoJo had a date with Mindy in the last episode, JoJo’s final date is with his mother. Woot! Thank God for us, the date doesn’t involve a deserted beach or a hot tub. Instead, JoJo and Mrs. B go parasailing. As if we thought Mrs. B was unnaturally attached to JoJo, we get even more evidence. Did you know she tells him she loves him close to 800 times a day? (<---estimate) She tells us she gave birth to JoJo and knows she supposed to cut the cord, but she just isn’t ready.
I have to say, throughout this entire date, JoJo’s expression is one of utter mortification. Here they are on the beach where he had his date with Mindy and his mother is waxing rhapsodic about him like he’s her boyfriend or something. She gushes over his looks and even squeezes his biceps. It’s beyond creepy. Does she think this is going to make him choose her over Mindy? Please let this have nothing else in common with his date with Mindy. JoJo informs his mother than he will not be springing for dinner and drinks: he’s pretty much lost his appetite at this point.
They walk on the beach and, to his credit, JoJo is just as creeped out as I am. A delusional Mrs. B thinks JoJo would rather spend time with her than “other girls.” She then tells him that she likes Mindy but Mindy won’t open up to her. Seriously. She then cautions JoJo to choose her and not Mindy: he needs to do everything she says. When his mother finally leaves, JoJo is still disturbed. So are we, honey.
Rob, The Other White Meat
For Rob and Lauren’s date, they board a sea plane and fly to St. Croix. Rob says he’s told his mom he wasn’t interested in Lauren, but agreed to try again with her. They take a Jeep to a private beach so they can play Blue Lagoon. She observes that it’s hard for Rob to look at her and see her and not all the things his mom says about her. Lauren’s solution to the problem? Sticking her tongue down Rob’s throat. This seems to work for him. All of a sudden, Rob’s getting a nice, warm feeling about Lauren and wondering if his mom was actually right. Honey, it’s just ‘cause a chick in a bikini is making out with you. I wouldn’t order the wedding invites yet. As much time as these two spend rubbing up against each other, there’s absolutely no heat. Rob confirms this, saying he went to sleep thinking about Camilla and woke up thinking about her.
Like a Lifetime Movie of the Week
Time is counting down to the confession we’ve been waiting all season for. How long will Erica drag things out before she breaks the news to Michael? I’m sure she’ll drag things out until the very last moment, just to enhance the dramatic tension…or because she’s a big chicken. Erica and Michael’s final date is aboard a yacht. They take a quick tour and dang, how many beds are on that thing? Of course, there’s also a hot tub. Erica knows this date is going to decide everything because she’s finally going to tell Michael her secret. You know, it really seems like Erica is more in love with Lorraine than Michael.
Erica admits she’s about to burst because she knows she has to confess to both Michael and Lorraine. Before the Big Confession, Michael and Erica blissfully make out in the way that only two people who barely know each other can. He asks her about her modeling and she tells him she wants that part of her life to be over so she can move on. Michael seems to accept that answer and they go off to frolic on a private beach. She tells him she’s closer to his mom than she’s been to any man’s mom. He says this is the best day of his life. Oh honey, day’s not over yet.
What date on a reality dating show is complete without a little hot tub action? Not this one! Of course, they hit the hot tub for a little make-out session. Michael tells Erica he’s the happiest man on earth. Man, this is like kicking a puppy. Night falls and Erica gets a private massage: she’s really tense and foolishly thinks the massage will help. While Erica gets her massage, we are treated to a montage of clips, representing what’s probably going on in her head. It’s all flashbacks to her times with Lorraine and Michael. She wonders whether she should have already told them.
Most of the day has passed and Erica still hasn’t made her confession. She and Michael sit out on the deck of the boat and she says there are a few things she hasn’t told him or his mother. He wipes a tear from her cheek as she searches for the words. She tells him she came into this wanting a fair chance at finding someone who would like her for her. She then dives in and says that, like Meghan, she’s done nude modeling, but not in Playboy: in Penthouse. At first his eyes light up like he’s won the lottery. Then he gets hit with the realization that millions of men have seen her hooha….and he’s not one of them. He’s clearly shocked and gets that vacant deer-in-the-headlights look. I mean, even more than he usually does. He admits he needs a drink. Michael says he feels lied to and has a hard time with the fact that she built a friendship with his mother and has kept her in the dark about all this. Michael abruptly stands and leaves Erica crying and alone.
Back at the hotel, Erica goes to talk with Lorraine, who has no idea what’s about to go down. Erica suggests they go down to the beach so they can talk more privately in front of a camera crew. Shockingly, Lorraine takes the news very well and tearfully says she still feels the same way about Erica. Lorraine admits she needs to think about things. Basically, she’s trying NOT to feel like a big hypocrite for guilting Michael into eliminating Playboy model Meghan, when her choice was in Penthouse.
So that’s that. The most explosive secret of the entire season explodes like a firecracker in a bucket of water. Meh.
Mommie Dearest X 3
Now it’s time for the moms to make their last pleas for their favorite girls, or in Mrs. B’s case, for herself. Esther asks Rob to make his decision through her eyes, not his. He tells her had a great time with Lauren, but she’s not Camilla. Esther tells Rob he can see Camilla as much as he wants, just not on a date and not on the weekends. Seriously? So, if Camilla is his barista at Starbucks, Esther is totally on board. He says he wants to make a decision that will make him happy. Esther counters that it doesn’t matter if he’s happy with the decision and tells him she won’t support his decision if he chooses Camilla.
Lorraine and Michael talk next. She admits she wanted Erica to be perfect and didn’t expect Erica’s big confession. Still, her feelings for Erica are the same and she won’t turn her back on Erica just because she posed in Penthouse. Michael wonders if Lorraine has actually ever seen Penthouse. Lorraine has not. He tells her she doesn’t want to see it.
Mrs. B lectures JoJo: “Mindy is not for us.” He corrects her: it’s not about both of them, it’s about him. He knows that his mother will go ballistic if he chooses Mindy. Mrs. B confirms this, saying that none of the girls is good enough for him. She does want him to fall in love….with her (<--- subliminal) She states the obvious: she’s having a hard time letting go of JoJo and isn’t ready to do it yet.
It’s time for the final elimination! The guys will each choose one girl with whom they will sail off into the Caribbean….and away from their mother.
Rob is up first and he’s still torn between his head and his mother’s. While Lauren is obviously the practical choice, he’s still very drawn to Camilla. He tells Camilla that all the time they have spent together has been magical…but he’s still asking Lauren to come away with him. Esther suppresses the urge to squeal with glee. Camilla knows the score: Esther got her way. Camilla says she’s disappointed in Rob. So am I, sweetheart. In her exit interview, Camilla tells Lauren to have fun, because Rob’s going to be calling her sooner or later. Rob tells us he knows a relationship with Camilla would be frowned upon by his family. Apparently, there’s more than one racist mother in the picture here. Esther boasts, “Mommy knows best!” I can’t believe I liked her when the show started.
Michael up next and he will have to choose between Amanda and Erica. Even Michael recognizes the irony of the situation: his mother is pushing him to choose a Penthouse Pet over a medical student. He says that both girls are amazing and his is not an easy decision. Amanda seems pretty perfect to him, but he knows she’s probably got skeletons in her closet: at least he knows that Erica’s skeletons are, he reasons.
Michael tells Erica that he respects her, which is clearly the kiss of death. He chooses Amanda. Erica and Lorraine are crushed. Erica knows that Penthouse had something to do with Michael’s decision. Michael thinks he found a balance between listening to his mom a bit and doing what makes him happy.
The Main Event
Will JoJo pick Mindy or go home with his mother? JoJo calls Mindy the perfect girl, but knows that his mother will kill him if he picks Mindy. In the creepiest dating show set-up ever, Mindy and Mrs. B stand side-by-side facing JoJo. JoJo admits he’s very confused. Yeah, I’m sure you are kiddo. He thought that choosing Mindy was going to be an easy decision for him. He can’t stand to see his mom in pain and pitting her against Mindy isn’t fair.
Before JoJo can go any further, Mindy interrupts him. She likes him so much, but knows she will never be good enough for his mother and, therefore, won’t fit into his family. Her family taught her to stand up for what she believes in, so she’s going to follow her heart and leave on her own, so JoJo can spend more time with his family: he clearly isn’t ready to let go. Until his mother loosens the apron strings a little, JoJo will never be able to have a normal relationship, she lectures. Because of that, she’s going to let him go. Mrs. B actually has the gall to smirk through this part. That is one sick woman.
JoJo tells Mindy that, if her feelings are that strong, then he’s willing to go out on a limb. He tells his mother that this experience has brought out the best in him. His decision isn’t about standing up to her, it’s about starting to make his own decisions. He wants to give it a shot with Mindy and hopes that Mrs. B can learn to like Mindy. Yeah, fat chance. JoJo tells us that this is the first time he’s stood up to his mother, who is now swearing her way up the beach and refusing to do interviews. Charming ‘til the very end.
All of the couples were offered a 3-day stay in paradise after the show stopped filming. Here’s what happened when the cameras stopped rolling:
* Rob went home early….alone
* While the producers offered Mrs. B counseling, she refused.
* Erica’s contract with Penthouse expired in December. She recently went to Florida to visit….Lorraine. We see video of them wearing matching bracelets.
* No word on Michael and Amanda.
So, who would have guessed at the beginning of this process, that the love match of the show would be Erica and Lorraine?