Ever since the last season of Rock of Love ended, I’ve been yearning for a dating show that would satisfy my need to see vapid, needy women in too much spandex humiliate themselves on tv by throwing themselves at a barely evolved guy with commitment issues. Thank God my wait is over! Welcome to the premiere episode of Momma’s Boys! This is the show that will ask the question, “Will a guy choose what he wants over what will make his mother happy?” To translate: Which head will a guy think with – his own (winkwinknudgenudgesaynomore) or his mother’s?
We’ll meet three allegedly eligible men – all of whom clearly have HUGE mommy issues and are looking for love. They’ll meet 32 women, from which they’ll likely choose the one most likely to make their mothers’ heads explode. There will be lots of tears, bitching, yelling and draaaaama. I love nothing more than a good hissy fit, so I’m practically giddy: this is a hissy-fit-an-episode kind of show.
When I heard there would be thirty two girls on the show vying for these three guys, I was hoping it would be a Dating Game sort of situation. You know: each guy meets three girls in each episode, so as to not confuse the poor recapper with a flurry of bimbos. No dice. We get all 32 of them right now. Honestly, these girls are all the same to me. They don’t necessarily look alike. I mean, there are blondes and brunettes and Asian girls and black girls and, you know, nude models and ex-cons (seriously). Still, I can’t tell them apart. They’re almost all vapid – thus evidenced by the fact that they tried out to be on this piece of drivel (watchable drivel, but still…) – and they all seem to have a vocabulary consisting of the same twenty words. Two of those words are “like” and “awesome.” There are a few girls who stand out, but not that many.
In an effort to not populate the house with the entire cast of For Love of Money, the producers have added a few girls of substance (i.e. girls who don’t have a chance in hell of getting face time with the guys) into the mix. There’s Mindy, the kindergarten teacher who says she has strong morals. She’s going to be the one who gets drunk and naked by episode 3. Megan works in an animal shelter and has a fondness for Heidi-like braids and Dawn detergent, as we’ll see later. Amanda is a medical student who already sees she won’t have much in common with most of the other girls. These girls are pretty much the exception to the rule. The rest are like Cara, who has a huge passion for lingerie and whose greatest ambition is to have a giant closet – complete with chandelier, natch – just for her lingerie. Dream big, buttercup.
Iron-Clad Apron Strings
Before we go any further, let’s meet the poor schmucks who will be humiliated by their mothers on national tv, shall we? First up is Michael, along with his mom, Lorraine – these moms and sons are attached so tightly we’re going to need surgery to separate them – from Plantation, Florida. For those keeping score, Lorraine is the cougar-y mom of the show. Michael is a firefighter who is seemingly incapable of performing any task on his own. His mother does his banking, his laundry, his cooking…..she even makes his bed. No word on whether or not Michael can use the potty on his own yet. Michael tells us he wants to find a girl to replace his mom. Lorraine tries to not look alarmed. Lorraine tells us that she calls Michael 100 times a day and he answers every single time. Clearly, Michael is clinically insane. Lorraine says that since Michael is 25, it’s time for him to meet the right girl that she hand-picks for him…much like his underwear and his meals.
Next up are Rob and his mother, Esther, from New York, NY. Rob calls his mom the “greatest woman in the world” and says she’s the typical Jewish mom. Rob, who actually seems fairly normal, in spite of the fact that his mother probably still cuts his steak for him, says he’s looking forward to meeting the right girl. He’s 24 and successful in commercial real estate. He’s also a clothes horse. Of course, it’s likely Esther is doing his clothes shopping for him since she does his cooking and cleaning for him.
Finally, we meet JoJo and his Iraqi-born, Khalood, aka Mrs.B, from Washington Township, Michigan. According to his bio, JoJo has lived away from home since he was 16. He probably ran screaming from the house to escape his mother. Within 2.3 seconds, Mrs. B shows off her winning personality and gives us the laundry list of things she doesn’t want in a girl for her son. They include anyone who is Jewish, black, Asian, from a divorced family, outspoken or wears too much makeup. This should be interesting. JoJo actually seems kind of sweet.
More People Whose Names I Won't Remember
Back at the house, we get to know a few of the other girls in the house. We meet Callie, a grad student, Camilla, a broadcast student, Misty, who’s in public relations, Lynette, a communications student ….these are the non-bimbos, in case you couldn’t tell. To even things out, we also have Donna, the ex-con – it was for a non-violent offense, she explains – Megan, a hairstylist and bartender, Michelle, who paid for her second boob job with her student loan money and Nikki, a promotional model….at least she thinks that’s what she does. She’s not too sure. We also meet Natalie, who uses the word “balls” about 3 times in her first 10 seconds on screen. Classy.
Our first crisis of the season occurs when blondie Cara breaks her shoe. She hops up and down, whining about her shoe and the cattiness comes out. Misty wonders what the big deal is and tells Cara to get over it. Cara calls Misty “mean,” whines to the camera about her heel breaking and then erupts into tears. It’s the ugly cry too. Cara quickly vows to never cry again. The girls immediately start taking bets on how soon Cara will cry again.
Some of the girls sit outside and speculate about their competition. Stacy takes the opportunity to admit that she was in Playboy. Jessica, a single mom of a 2 year old son, tells us she’d never disgrace herself and her family by doing that. Sweet. Erica, the 2008 Penthouse Pet of the Year 2008 (really) wisely keeps her mouth shut. She wants everyone to get to know her before she tells them what she does
Commercial break observation: Wait – they’re already casting for next season? Seacrest is a bit cocky, don’t you think?
I Fell in Love With Her Dishpan Hands
The three guys arrive at the house to meet the
bimbosgirls. Nikki tells us that Michael is “super freaking good looking.” People who use the word “freaking” are really freaking annoying. The girls clamor around and try to impress the guys as much as they possibly can while surrounded by 30 other girls who are also wearing the equivalent of a handkerchief and a rubber band. JoJo tells the girls that he’s only ever brought one girl home to meet his mother and that didn’t go so well. Okay, show of hands: is anyone else NOT surprised? Mrs. B probably ran the girl off her property with a pitchfork….or a flamethrower.
While all the girls meet the guys, Megan plays scullery maid, cleaning in the kitchen. What’s up with that? Did she come on this show to meet a guy or hone her dishwashing skills? I doubt any of these guys will be impressed by her ability to pre-wash. I don’t think any of them even got to admire her prowess at the sink before they headed off back to their own condo. Now that the guys are out of the way, the path is cleared for the mothers to descend.
DVD of Hate
Before the moms make an appearance, the girls get three care packages – one from each mom. Each basket contains baby pictures of the guys, as well as DVDs featuring each of the moms. The girls “aw” over Rob’s mom and Michael’s mom and over the very beginning of the tape made by JoJo’s mom. Then she lets fly with the “no Jewish girls, no black girls, no Asian girls” thing and the jaws drop. Where, before this, the girls were all pitted against each other, they suddenly find themselves untied against a common foe: they all hate Mrs. B. Misty immediately vows to “get” JoJo, just to mess with Mrs. B. Vita tells girls they all have to be cool with JoJo’s mom. Cara points out that the people Mrs. B says she didn’t like are over fighting for her people in Iraq.
Michael’s mom, Lorraine, is the first to enter the house. She admits she’s overwhelmed but excited. It’s clear the producers sent her in first to lull the girls into a false sense of security, Lorraine is a 40-something version of these girls, complete with “like” and “awesome” in every other sentence.
Next to enter the sorority house is Esther, Rob’s mom. She’s got a great mom vibe going on and the girls all seem to like her, even Megan, who gives Esther a half-hug. Why only half? Because her hands are wet from, yes, doing the dishes. Seriously. What is that girl doing…aside from the dishes? Esther says “no thanks” to a glass of wine and then quickly reverses her decision. She probably senses the building tension as the girls all wait for JoJo’s mom to arrive.
If It’s Not One Thing, It’s JoJo’s Mother
Speaking of JoJo’s mom, here she comes, looking fairly innocuous. Little does she know that the girls are all waiting and hating on her. Mrs. B enters the house and everything screeches to a halt: conversations stop and heads snap around, followed by an awkward silence. The girls all step forward, politely introducing themselves as if they all haven’t seen her venom-filled video and don’t think she’s a complete harpie. Instead of just getting to know all of the girls, Mrs. B immediately sets to picking out girls who fit her
bigotedexacting specifications. She’s all sold on petite, adorable Brittany until she learns that Brit is half-Jewish. She then asks some of the black girls if they play basketball. Seriously. That’s all it takes for Vita to lose her cool. She informs Mrs. B that they’ve all seen her video: she owes all the girls an apology. Cue the bitch fight we all saw in the previews. Vita and Mrs. B go back and forth, with girls stepping in to try to calm the situation. Mrs. B, showing her classy side, tells Vita to kiss her ass. Lovely. I’m sure girls are just knocking down JoJo’s door once they meet this gem.
That’s it for this week’s episode. They’re just pumping up the dramatic tension for the next episode when we see the conclusion to the smack-down between Vita and Mrs. B. I bet no one will even cry or draw blood. Suck.