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Thread: FORT Smack-A-Mole Column - Week 5

  1. #1
    LG. is offline
    FORT Writer LG.'s Avatar
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    Sep 2002
    frozen tundra

    FORT Smack-A-Mole Column - Week 5

    Welcome back, Mole fans. There is a force at work which is preventing Mole Recapper IguanaChocolate and me from being able to commune with other FORT Mole fans while the show is airing. That force is The Bachelorette, and its horde of fans who clog up the website and keep us from being able to log on. Yes folks, The Bachelorette is the Mole, and it is sabotaging us from being able to have live show threads with any participation. Luckily next week is the finale of the Bachelorette, yet the Mole will continue on for a couple more weeks. We might actually be able to discuss the show on Mondays after DeAnna and her new fiancé have sashayed off into the sunset. By the way, my prediction is Jason, but my daughter is rooting for Jesse. Yes, a second generation of reality tv internet predictors in the making.

    Inspired by the very awesome Best Week Ever show’s Reality TV Bachelor, I’m awarding roses and other prizes from other well-known reality tv shows this week for our remaining Mole contestants.

    Nicole, Will You Accept This Rose?

    Of course Nicole would not be on the receiving end of a rose because she would be handing them out. Nicole is now The Bachelorette: the lone female character surrounded by a bunch of men. Nicole has been known to throw out a tantrum (or a deliver a death threat) if things aren’t going her way, but even she is unlikely to cuss out Clay, Craig, Paul, Mark and Alex for not paying enough attention to her at a pool party. Look at ME ME ME!!! Oh sorry, I was channeling DeAnna (and Trista) for a minute. I am surprised that Nicole is the last woman standing because I thought that Kristen was close to figuring it out, but apparently playing the field is a better strategy for folks this season. What a sneaky Mole we have. Nicole gets the Bachelor / Bachelorette rose prize for being the last woman standing and for having to put up with all of those guys and their rotting fruit companions by herself.

    This Immunity Necklace is for You

    Craig doesn’t strike me as someone who would do well on Survivor, but this week he takes the Survivor Immunity Necklace by earning the only exemption. He had the first shot of the exemption in the first challenge, but wisely passed it up, knowing that whoever took that would be hated by all left in the cold. It was still a little cold that he went for the exemption in the second challenge by picking humiliating and impossible modes of transportation for his companions, especially after they had rallied together and let him out of the cold first in the prior challenge. That’s called out-playing, I guess, and most of his companions later conceded that they would have likely made the same choices. This way Craig can still salvage some of his popularity with the group. He is a very charming guy, but he’d better hope he keeps winning exemptions because I think it’s very unlikely he’s the Mole.

    The Hell’s Kitchen Potty Mouth

    I had a hard time picking a reality tv show award for Paul. I’d considered the Biggest Loser based purely on personality, but that was too cold. Because Paul seems to like words that only Gordon Ramsey would appreciate, we’ll award him a shot at working for Gordo for a year and getting yelled at all the time by one of the best. The best comparison I had for Paul was not a reality show, but instead the movie Castaway where Tom Hanks gets stranded on a desert island and talks to a soccer ball that he names Wilson to stay sane. Paul is with a group people, not isolated, but has still painted a face on a lemon and named him Lemonhead and has meaningful conversations with his fruit friend. I’d say that it was also an effort to stay sane, but that horse has already left the barn. Paul is clearly projecting a personality, but whether it is a cover to distract from his real role as the Mole remains to be seen. He’s more likely just a nutter.

    Head of Household

    From what I’ve gathered, Mark, Paul and Clay are all parents, but Mark was this week’s Big Brother “Head of Household”. Marked seemed the most focused on his family and talked about missing them this week. Well, that and how he misses his most recent lost love, his journal (my precious!) that got burned up in the last episode. Like Big Brother’s HOH, Mark was in a position of authority this episode. In the first challenge, Mark was the last man standing in the handcuff challenge and had the opportunity to take the exemption without leaving anyone to spend the night in the cold. People had left Mark for last, knowing that would be the most likely position for someone to take the exemption with the least consequences. His drive to build the pot was stronger than his pull for the exemption, however, and he left it behind. In the second challenge, Mark was the driving force behind the challenge mutiny. As a competitive runner, he knew the challenge was impossible, but he did seem rather adamant that no-one should try (even though Alex seemed a little too eager to dress up like a conquistador). When Mark isn’t moping about his lost journal, he seems rather influential, like a father-figure. Like any good Dad, I don’t think Mark is our saboteur. He’s just a guy too likely to wear 1970s short shorts with tall socks and do other embarrassing things when out with the kids.

    The People’s Court

    Attorney Clay gave Paul and everyone else in Van 1 a taste of his trial skills by pointing out that Paul is uneducated, incompetent, and a moron (a title I’d given Paul in my Week 2 column). Clay got Paul riled up enough that Paul couldn’t compose a coherent sentence. That is some powerful debating skills, but then Clay lost his cool and tossed Mr. Lemonhead at Paul. Throwing rotten fruit is supposed to be reserved for lousy stand-up comedy (like say, most of the people on Last Comic Standing this season). A veteran attorney should use his words, not fruit, to make his point. If Clay is the Mole, I can picture him talking to the producers during a break “listen, I agreed to be the Mole, but I didn’t agree to have to listen to Paul run his mouth all the time. You need to get me out of this van pronto.” If the unicycle doesn’t fit, you must acquit. Clay was the only one hopping into his sleeping bag during the first challenge, giving up when others were negotiating, which seems very unlike an attorney, though somewhat like a Mole.

    American Idol Recording Contract

    Sing it with me people: “We’re Paul-free in van 2, oh yeah, we’re Paul-free in van 2 . . .” Poor Kristen, not only did she get eliminated this week, but she also got sent to van 2 to be with Paul and Mark when Craig and Clay bailed out. Alex kept the mood light in van 2 by leading the group in a song and by not being Paul. This is the second time we’ve seen Alex leading the group in song, and this one is catchier than his “trying to figure out if the Mole is you or me” ditty from an earlier episode. For his contributions in adding music to this show (which has no budget for a soundtrack, apparently), we award Alex this American Idol recording contract, and hope that with the exposure he gets on the show he’s able to help launch his music career. Alex seems like a very cool guy, easy going, no wonder his parents haven’t kicked him out yet. People seem to like him and want to keep him around. Just what the Mole would want, isn’t it.

    Count It Down Alright folks, it’s time to rattle off the Mole-Continuum again this week. Here are my predictions from least likely to most likely to be the Mole.

    12 – Marcie – out

    11 – Liz – out

    10 – Ali – out

    9 – Bobby – out

    8 – Victoria – out

    7 – Kristen – out this week, leaving only Nicole as the sole female contestant in the game

    6 – Mark – I’ll be so shocked if he ends up being the Mole (even though he has cost the pot lots of cash) just because he seems so intense, like he is trying so hard to win money for the pot. If he is the Mole, his high school should have him start coaching the drama club next fall.

    5 – Craig – yes, he took the exemption by giving everyone else impossible modes of transportation, but most of the players would have done so to get themselves and exemption. In that challenge, each group of two that made it up the hill would get $10,000 into the pot, but if even if had picked the mini-bikes for one of the groups, there would still have been 2 groups unlikely to finish. Then there would have been $10,000 in the pot and no exemption for Craig. It was a less costly exemption than the one Mark and Kristen took for $35,000 in week 2.

    4 – Nicole – is she nice, is she crazy, it depends which Nicole we see from episode to episode. I liked hearing Nicole say how she’d miss Kristen, as that makes me think that Nicole is only a crazy diva in small doses, and generally ok to be around. She didn’t want to be in a llama costume with Paul – who would? At least Craig had selected her to be the head of the costume. Yes, there is proof positive that Paul is much more annoying to be around than Nicole, as affable Craig picked her for the head. For all her strange antics, she really isn’t making any noticeable moves to keep cash out of the pot.

    3 – Paul – has moved into the top three position this week just because kooky fruit talking dude who calls people names just might be a persona to district us all from his true Moley self. Or he’s just plain annoying, and this isn’t an act. I had a tough time deciding between Paul or Nicole for the number 3 position as neither have really done anything to cost the pot money, but both throw odd tantrums and cause lots of drama. We saw a new side of Paul this week when he swore on his daughter that he wouldn’t take the exemption in the first challenge in order to get out of the cold. They showed his hand pausing over the exemption, but I don’t think he ever really considered breaking his word after bringing up his daughter. We now know that Paul isn’t completely spur of the moment and can maintain a thought for at least 10 minutes. That’s a sign of personal growth.

    2 – Clay – was more feisty than usual this week, taking on Paul in a verbal dispute in van 1. Clay had a right to be angry when Paul questioned his Christianity for being a defense attorney. Defense attorneys are an easy target, but it is pretty fundamental to our legal system that people are entitled to legal counsel in their defense before society deprives them of their liberty and sends them to prison. It’s a concept which may be beyond Paul’s level of comprehension, in which case throwing fruit at him may be Clay’s only recourse. But why did Clay lose his cool? Was it because he really couldn’t win in a verbal debate with Paul? I think not. I think it was because Clay wanted to change vans. Why did Clay want to change vans? Maybe it was because they were just starting to fill out their journals again and Clay had the information he needed from Mark and Paul and wanted to get into the other van so he could get information from them as well. Very shrewd, counselor. Of course Clay would only need this information if he wasn’t the Mole, so Alex moves up to the top spot again this week.

    1 –Alex – was pretty low-key again this week. Alex and Clay were both willing to sleep outside if others couldn’t come to an agreement for the order in the handcuff challenge. Alex drove van 2 and kept the mood light, and seemed very eager to try the second challenge after donning his conquistador costume. He actually looked pretty cool in it, despite the fact that he probably needed to re-do his hair after cramming it in that metal helmet. He is breezing through this game and doesn’t really seem too concerned when his test scores are being revealed. Is it because he is the Mole? I think it’s a darn good possibility.

    Let me know how you rank our remaining contestants.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  2. #2
    Helplessly Hoping AsIs's Avatar
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    Jul 2003

    Re: FORT Smack-A-Mole Column - Week 5

    Great Whack-A-Mole LG! My list is pretty much the same order as yours this week. Tho I would probably swap Craig and Mark. When I think about it, Mark for all his Super Veiney Soccer Dad hasn't raised much money at all. He's done a lot of pacing while others win money, but the Luge challenge is the only one I recall him winning anything.
    "How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his friend. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame... for one person. In the dark. Where no one will ever know or see." - Sebastion, Babylon 5

  3. #3
    I am the Mole SweetElvira's Avatar
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    May 2007
    the edge of obscurity

    Re: FORT Smack-A-Mole Column - Week 5

    I may be alone in being unimpressed by Alex. Most attractive person left, sure. Mole? Not in my mind.

    I'd put them like this: Nicole, Mark, Alex, Paul, Craig, Clay. Yes, I still think Clay is the Mole. The big change of opinion I came to this week was in regard to Craig. I think he may know who the Mole is. In fact, I think Paul has figured it out. Nicole admits to guessing, Mark doesn't know unless he is the Mole, and Alex is just a laid-back guy who doesn't telegraph much about himself but also isn't behaving very Mole-y compared to others.
    Bring on The Mole!

  4. #4
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Feb 2004

    Re: FORT Smack-A-Mole Column - Week 5

    I love your subtitles, LG! As for Alex, I don't know anymore. I go back and forth between him and Clay. I'm bummed that Kristen is out since I'd have liked to see her win.
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  5. #5
    FORT Newbie
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    Jun 2008

    Re: FORT Smack-A-Mole Column - Week 5

    Maybe I haven't been paying attention well enough, but I rank Craig and Mark as my top Mole choices.

    Mark has been quite vocal about what he will and won't do, and most of the time, the "won't do" has to do with winning money towards the pot. How soon we forget that he was willing to walk around in his skivvies, but heaven forbid he actually try to FIND clothes. Additionally, he tends to lead the group in rebellions, something that can be an easy way to sabotage the group (maybe the Mole is taking the easy way out). He was also extremely melodramatic about his book, I kept rolling my eyes, as if he LIVED for his book. Don't you know that the more you write down, the more you recall??? I dunno, he seems like a dead giveaway for me, hiding behind his fatherly figure.

    Craig, on the other hand, could be the Mole as he is the least likely to be viewed as one. He isn't the fittest nor the smartest, but he sure likes to be liked. Wouldn't you think the Mole would want to befriend everyone, gain insight and manipulate all those around him?

    Alex may be laying low, but I don't think he's the Mole.

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