Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
1/21 Episode Recap--"Goodbye, Cruel Chicken-Haters"
Hello again. I hope you've unearthed your trusty journals and ballpoint pens, because we have some notetaking and sleuthing ahead of us. Welcome to the third episode of Celebrity Mole: Yucatan. I trust you've been keeping track of every minute detail, as have I. I trust that you've chosen the right goblet, as have I. Only, I have built up an immunity to Iocaine powder!
Eight celebrities, one week, says Ahmad on a voiceover. The opening credits show the celebrities believably saying that they are the mole. The contestants, "tracking and remembering their every move," must discover the double-agent among them. The one who answers the most questions correctly, from round to round, wins the game (and some pocket money).
The Gods Must Be Crazy
The show opens with a raspy confessional from the whispering Tracey, her face glowing in the night. These nightly confessionals are so odd; it's as if the celebrities have just left their car and stopped for a last-minute make-up check in the sideview mirror. Tracey reports that last night she "got closer to the mole." Tracey adds, "It's Curry."
In Mark Curry's confessional, he indicates that he's the mole, in one of many indications just like this, and just as cheesy. Dennis confesses about the recently executed Corbin, "We care that you're gone, but we don't care that you're gone." A touching tribute.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," Angie begins. Then she breaks down and laughs. "Confessional."
The camera shot begins out in space, no doubt the perspective of Angie's god, who is plotting His revenge in the form of irrepressible fat cells. "YOU WILL BE SORRY YOU EVER LAUGHED AT ME," he booms. Then he prepares for a bout of weeping.
We focus in from space, through the layers of atmosphere, and finally to the Yucatan Peninusula, former home of the Mayans and present home of a few sell-out celebrities. We watch their figures blur as they fade to oblivion. I nominate your dad to deliver them the following message: "Get a job!"
But My Wings Don't Fly
We see an aerial view of the SUV's driving over a bridge. The clouds part and collapse and re-form. After the camera crew is done practicing time-lapse photography, we see Ahmad, gallant and dashing in his giant sombrero. It is the largest I have ever seen. It is like a basket weaver went insane, created a monstrosity, and epoxy glued it to Ahmad's head. Ahmad, who obviously has been drinking bad water, wears the millenary monument without complaint. He tells the contestants that they will be playing "Clucks for Bucks." The six celebrities, in teams of two, will uncover sombreros, under which there are numbers, of which they will correspond to specific chickens, which, when placed in a pen, will result in money for the collective pot. Each chicken will translate to $2000, aside from the so-called "Super-chickens," which will equate to $5000 when added to the pen.
Angie intelligently makes the following connection: "Sounds like 'supermodel.' Superchickens." Left on the cutting room floor is a clip of Angie saying, "Get it?"
Dennis and Keshia are the first team up for the challenge. Dennis asks Keshia, "Ever touched a chicken?" Keshia replies in the affirmative and says, "I'm not the scaredy cat you think I am." Yes, it takes a brave and fearless superhero to touch a chicken. The two run around, and later the others comment.
Angie compares Dennis to the Green Giant. She says that Dennis strode around so loudly that "the sounds of the Earth scared the chickens." Those weren't the sounds of Dennis's footsteps, however. They were literally the sounds of the Earth's shifting faultlines, readying a giant chasm for a fallen angel to fall even more deeply.
God: I GAVE YOUR WINGS TO A CUTE AMERICAN AIRLINES STEWARDESS.
Stephen describes Dennis's knack for slamdunking chickens. He says that Dennis "took the long stride" and that he'd "fingeroll a chicken." We see the "foop plunk" as Dennis earns points for his team. Keshia dribbles chickens like a pro, and the two earn $17,000 for the pot.
Angie and Stephen are next. Stephen remarks on Angie's strategy: "The way she was moving was chicken-like." It was as if she was relating to the chickens, he says. In the background we hear bloopery broadway music, as the team manage to catch 11 chickens, 3 of which are the infamous chicken-beyond-chicken, the SUPERchicken, no doubt fed on hormones and cow feces. The pot now totals $31,000 for the chicken-catching alone.
Her scapulae now wingless, Angie flexes a bicep while Stephen imitates Arnold Schwartzenegger behind her: "Supermodel gets to superchicken." Angie adds "Super chick...en" in case we didn't hear the wordplay the first time.
On Mark and Tracey's turn, Mark acts very "cazh" (that's short for "casual") about his task. Throughout this round, he walks around with a chicken under one arm, just in case its number is called.
Finally, the team nominates Keshia for the Bonus Round. They dub her the Best Chicken Wrangler, and her task is to catch a fast SUPERrooster and drop him in the pen. The music track shifts from Broadway to Western, and Keshia shuffles her feet in the sand. We hear the slow whistle of the music, fully suspecting that Clint Eastwood has just been challenged to a gun duel. Keshia hopes that the rooster won't pluck her eyes out. Fortunately for Keshia, roosters don't have opposable thumbs. However, the rooster could peck her eyes out, and that wouldn't be less painful, unless he manages to sever her optic nerve, but let us leave this question to our resident scientist AmandaG.
Keshia goes after the rooster for a $10,000 addition to the pot. Ahmad relates that it is the first time the rooster has been caught, which scarcely makes sense, given that the rooster had to be placed in the larger kennel for the game to take place. Keshia writes it into her resume, and the crew head out for chicken sandwiches. We cut to commercial rather than witnessing the team dining on their newfound feathered friends.
The Moleys at Play
An episode of Celebrity Mole would not be complete without the classic clue-finding discussion in the SUV. Stephen asks Angie whether or not she ate a chicken sandwich at lunch. In this game of clue-finding and deciphering, one never knows what could be important--the smell of a fish tapestry, the players' food preferences, sleeping positions, zodiac signs, and favorite mutant ninja turtles. All is important and must be written down.
Tracey comments on her coalition member, Stephen: I wish he were more confident in who he thought was the mole. He's saying that he doesn't know--which he may not, or he is the mole.
Next, the producers treat us to the players' discussion during recreational activities. Mark tells Tracey to "Say buoyyyyy." She responds, "Buooooooyyyyy." Tracey straps on her lifejacket and goes motorboating. Tracey says in a confessional that Mark "looks the mole-iest."
Stephen tells us that Angie "singlehandedly lost $45,000" during the timed concensus game, in which the players struggled to decide who would get the next exemption, and Angie blew her top (not literally this time) and left. Angie tells us that "Dennis doesn't try."
Mark again jokes that "what they don't know is that I'm the mole." Stephen, as Tracey has told us, isn't able to sort out who the mole is. He thinks that anyone could be the mole and confesses that "whoever gets whacked next. . .it's going to be big."
We see more shots of the celebrities both motorboating and horseback riding. Angie mentions that she once injured her lower back in a horseback riding incident, and to punctuate this message accordingly, the producers present us with a segment of Mark brushing off the sand from Angie's superchick derriere.
The Wrestler Mariachi Maze -- Fun!
Night--the scene opens on The Ruins of Tullum, lit up like a pavillion at Epcot Center. Angie offers that it is 3 a.m. Mark, the horny comedian, says, "And these women all look good." After viewing Angie in the buff and then buffing off her rear, it's no wonder he's in the state he's in. My guess is that the Hotel Occidental Grand Flamenco is missing a lot of complimentary lotion.
Ahmad tells us that the players will now play the "Wrestler Mariachi Maze." Wow! Admittedly, this is the most fun-looking challenge I've ever seen on a reality show to date. The object of the game is for one player to pick up a championship wrestler's belt and run through the maze to the exit, without being caught. Inside the maze are two championship wrestlers, Jaymar the Brute and Some-other-guy the Jackal. Also inside the maze is a mariachi band. One player acts as a "navigator," while the other runs through the maze with headphones. The navigator is privy to a transmission device (a walkie-talkie?) and a computer screen which shows where the runner is in relation to the maze, the wrestlers, and the mariachi band. The mariachi band begins to play anytime a wrestler is near it, as a warning to the runner. The runner must avoid being caught by the wrestlers, who will chase the players so as to retrieve the "stolen" belts. If a runner is caught, they don't win. If they escape through the exit, with the belt intact, they win money for the pot.
Before the game begins, the producers have carefully selected yet another gluteus maximus moment. Keshia wonders if there's something on her butt. Stephen tells her, "Your booty looks fabulous." Yes, everyone is inspired by the Yucatan heat.
Angie begins as the navigator and Stephen discusses how she should instruct the runner: "You have to go 'forward forward forward your left your left.'" Stephen confesses that Angie had no sense of direction in directing Dennis, the first runner. The first snafu happens, in that Dennis doesn't pick up a belt on his way in, so he must return to the beginning of the maze. Dennis confesses that when he heard the mariachi band, he thought that "that must really be the way through." It slipped his mind that the mariachi band played the warning. He invariably gets caught by a mask-faced grimacing wrestler.
Dennis later suspects Angie for not telling him to pick up the belt: "That's a set-up on somebody's part." Angie suspects Dennis: "I think Dennis only runs like crazy on the basketball court."
Next up is Stephen and Tracey. Stephen tells Tracey, "Do exactly what I say." She nods in agreement. The two begin to suspect each other following this game-play, as well. Stephen instructs Tracey with lots of "go back go back" and other turn-arounds, so that she may avoid being caught by a wrestler and still make it to the exit. Almost to the end, she mixes up her turn, and she is caught.
Tracey informs us later that Stephen confused her with his "doubletalk." Stephen informs us that, at the end, Tracey went left when he said right. Tracey adds, "I could be in a coalition with the mole. He's got moley behavior."
We return from commercial, and Ahmad drives the knife in further: "The first two teams have failed." Keshia will be the navigator and Mark will be the runner. Mark, ever craving a lotion applique, asks, "Can I do this one nekkid?" Mark begins to run the maze while Keshia calls out instructions, and Mark says, "It's like I'm on bad drugs."
Now I have to interrupt for a moment and comment on Keshia's instructions. Through the walkie-talkie her rapid-fire "Go left, go right" and so forth reminded me of video arcades. It was appropriate that wrestlers chased headphone-adorned Mark while we watched both the pacman video screen and the whacky distorted home-video view. Remember those boxing video games, in which the referree would call out the knockouts and uppercuts? When you were hit hard, the crackly machine would yell "Bodyblow!" Well, that, my notetaking friends, is exactly what Keshia sounded like.
Mark manages to exit the maze, if it can be imagined, more cocky than ever. "I knew I would be victorious."
After the video game, the contestants confess. Angie mentions that Stephen seemed really "weird" after the challenge had ended. Stephen proclaimed that Dennis, if he was really playing, wouldn't have taken Angie's bullying instructions that well. "A normal reaction would be frustration or anger. That was weird to me." Angie indicates that Stephen, in playing "too hard," is "off her suspect list."
Ahmad then reveals that there is an exemption in one of the championship belts. Only the runner holding the belt can win the exemption. If they look inside, they sacrifice $10,000 from the pot. Tracy sacrifices the money and looks inside her belt, wins the exemption. We are told to stay tuned for the most "surprising execution yet," which is of course what we were told in last week's commercials about last week's execution.
Pay to the Order Of: One Burrito
Sun behind palm trees--we pan over the lagoon. Mark receives a "tantalizing offer." No, it doesn't involve his lotion usage. It involves his dietary consumption. Ahmad tells Mark that if he eats everything on the table at dinner, all the players' leftovers, $10,000 will be added to the pot, and he'll receive an exemption. Ahmad tells him this, because Mark happened to pick the belt with the green thumbprint on it.
We focus on the celebrities at dinner. Tracey mentions that there isn't any amount of money that would convince her to give up an exemption. Mark maternally says, "Let's clear our plates." On the voiceover, we hear Mark say that Keshia picked at her food. Yes, her eating was odd, indeed. Each bite was the size of a small helpless fly. "I don't think D-Rod even touched his," Mark says. "Tracey was making a burrito" out of her food. Finally, before Ahmad reveals the secret game, Mark starts his dining. He reaches over and grabs Angie's corn cob, which would make the number of things that Mark has grabbed of Angie's amount to 213891208. "Remember when I told you it's always a game?" Ahmad intones. Yes, Ahmad, you sexy giant-sombrero wearer, you. You know what they say about a man and the size of his sombrero, right?
The dining challenge begins. Ahmad tells Mark that he's in trouble. Stephen worries that Mark will make himself sick, to which Angie responds, "He can barf afterwards." "Spoken like a true supermodel," Stephen replies.
Keshia comments that the "toilet will be your friend later." Ahmad metaphysically advises that he should "be one with the food."
Mark continues to eat. He complains about feeling pregnant and about needing to have a "liquidation sale" for his body. "Everything must go." He loses the game with half a burrito sticking out of his mouth and laments, in that he would've won if he had one fewer burrito to force down.
Goodbye, Cruel Chicken-haters
The players take the quiz, the most startling remark being given by Stephen. "The weirdest thing was how many people didn't eat chicken." He says that Dennis and Angie were the ones who were "heartless enough to have eaten chicken" after the chicken challenge. He pronounces them "chicken-haters."
They then take their seats on the wooden folding chairs in front of the gigantic thumbprint screens. Ahmad tells the contestants that they've added $93,000 in a few good days. He concludes with alerting us to Tracey's exemption and that she won't be executed in this round. Dennis smokes a cigar.
Mark: "Are you nervous, Stephen?"
Stephen: "I'm all right, dawgie."
Dennis: "Stephen, your ass is outta here."
Sure enough, Stephen is our next to be executed. "So predictable in the same seat," he says, referring to Corbin's spot in the last execution. "I suck at this game."
As Ahmad escorts him out to El Taxi Loco, the players offer their words of support and remembrance to Stephen. Angie sentimentalizes over Stephen's bad jokes. "He's our boy," she says. "Coulda been me." She remembers his spot on the previous season, his having said "I'm Stevie B from the Mole Hawaii."
Dennis offers more words than usual and discusses Stephen's game-play, that his "trying to be sincere, trying to be loving" didn't phase him.
Stephen expresses to Tracey, his coalition partner, that he hopes that she wins, since Tracey promised him that she wasn't the mole.
Keshia, in an inside joke I don't get, says, "We'll miss you O.G. Wonderbread." Orangutan guy? Organic grains? Occipital growth? Old geezer? Someone help me out here.
Stephen enters El Taxi Loco and tells us, "Goodbye, cruel world" and "Peace." A booming voice from above the taxi intones, "GOODBYE, LITTLE STEPHEN. EAT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS." We see Stephen eating brussels sprouts. . .or maybe a potato chip. He enjoys it.
Next on Celebrity Mole
Executed players give us Survivor 7 flashbacks as they wreak revenge. They peg people with balls, and it appears that the recipients of the head-blows fall into the water. Then the contestants eat tequila worms. Dennis eats one without flinching. Who'll be the fourth person executed?
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