Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
1/15 Episode Recap--"Whack-a-mole"
Hola, gentes y mujeres. Welcome to this second installment in our Celebrity Mole Yucatanian Adventure Series. Tonight we visit Chuck E. Cheese's and blow our wad on the whack-a-mole game. Try as we may, no matter how many moles we whack with our mallets, they still keep popping back up. Corbin and Steven--cases in point.
Now, let us finish our pizzas, exchange our tickets for an especially exquisite piece-of-plastic-crap keychain, and bid adieu to Chuck E. "Le nuit, tous les Chuck E's sons gris." Goodbye, Chuck E.--a thousand times goodbye. Let us slip into the luxury seats of El Taxi Loco, roll up the tinted windows, and play a little Barry White. Awwww, yeah.
Much steamy hot recap action and 3000 pesos on the taxi meter later...
Opening Credits With Note
Note: Sorry, folks. I spent my quid on the decaf tea and have worked for 15 hours today. Please forgive me if I doze off in the middle of a.
Dreams of Sheena E....
What I love about the opening credits is that each contestant stares into the camera and believably attests to their mole-status.
Mark Curry: I am the Moe!
Corbin Bernsen: I am the Curly!
Tracey Gold: I am the Larry!
Stephen Baldwin: Yipyipyipyipyipyipyipyip.
Close up on Corbin--his strategy is to "lay back sit quiet listen observe." Close up on Stephen: Corbin, if you're not the mole and you're doing blah blah blah more silly stuff by Stephen. Mark expresses his eventual embarrassment were he to lose the game, and the eventual talking-to his mom would give him: We thought you was going to win for the church! Mark is now my favorite player, even if he did pick the big pink paper-mache pig. More on that.
Tracey is briefly featured in one of those really dark outdoor confessionals that remind me of the dreamy gauzy eyes of Shawna and that Belly's Guy in Survivor: Witch's Teat. Tracey squints and tells us, "I could be the mole."
Keshia, who aptly demonstrates that Rudy was the exact shrinky-dink version of her current self, blinks rather sweetly at us. "'Cause it's not me. You believe me, right? You should." Yes, Rudy. Here is your Double Bubble and a nickel. Run along, now, and don't dawdle nor run through mud puddles. There's a dear.
People Who Pick Pink Paper-Mache Pig Pinatas Perhaps Have a Penchant for Playing On Paranoid Pissy Prime-time Protagonists
Ahmad emerges in a sombrero. Mariachis play on the green, which is a dusty brown. Children lurk about and scream and flail wildly. It's SIESTA-time in Yucatania. Andale, mi chicas bonitas y chicos muy guapos. Castanets ching-ding-cha-chi-ching ching-ding-cha-chi-ching ching-ding-jo-ni-loves-cha-chi-ching in the hot dry afternoon air. Angie mentions something about how only Ahmad could get away with wearing that sombrero. Give the woman a Bizzaro World anti-oyster.
Contestants choose whether they'd prefer to "stuff themselves" or "swing." Four will pack themselves into the seat of a giant pinata, while the other four will swing a bat at their tragically candy-less forms. Inside each of the pinatas will be a gift box which looks suspiciously like the little gift bombs on The Smurfs. In three of the boxes are $10,000 in Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes monies; in one of the boxes is an exemption. If the stuffers protect their boxes from the swingers, then they will receive the gift boxes. If the swingers break open a pinata such that the box falls out, they will then claim it. The game is complicated with ropes and pulley systems, which the stuffers can use to raise and lower their pinatas. Also, if a swinger steps out of the ring, they lose their turn.
The stuffers choose their pinatas. Mark Vindaloo picks a pink pig. Dennis chooses a bull painted in the red, white, and green of the Mexican flag. Keshia chooses a purple goat. And Ahmad, with the last pinata, tells Angie that she'll "have to be the pussycat." She responds with "Mrrrawr." The lights on the set suddenly go dim and redden. Windowed barricades drop down from the sky which separately enclose Ahmad and Angie. A phone is produced. Bomp chikka music is cued. A bottle of lotion and some kleenex fall out of Ahmad's big hat.
Stephen: This is going to be whacked.
Angie: If I go in there I'll barf.
Angie now fears Montezuma's Revenge and opts out of the stuffing, trades with Tracey.
Corbin: I think you're not sick.
Angie: You can eat me.
Corbin then re-focuses and begins a mental loop so wound up that eventually his brain finds the airlock and leaves through an escape pod located in his right ear. He muses over why Mark chose the pig. If Mark chose first, given the machismo-dealie, he would have chosen the bull, not the pig. He then left the bull for Dennis, whose turn was second, to select. "Mark Curry is the mole and I don't believe he's doing a very good job."
The mariachis play the Mexican Hat Dance while the kids scream and chant. They scream "Loco, loco, loco," which the producers have conveniently subtitled for us. "Crazy, crazy, crazy." Whackiness ensues and eventually Stephen has a box which he eviscerated from the pink pig. Corbin then covets it. He offers a bet that the exemption is in Stephen's box. Corbin next mentions that he knows where the exemption is and that there's only one box he's after. "I'll know it when I see it." On his turn Corbin attacks Dennis's bull with vengeance. I suspect he's merely imagining Stephen's face on Dennis's bull. Their friendship seems so strained that Stephen, in confessional, has the bull balls to say, "Something's not right up here" about his pal.
Corbin breaks his first bat, then second, and on the third bat Dennis lowers his bull for Corbin to whack at. Stephen complains that Dennis lowered his pinata for Corbin but not for him.
Corbin, in one of multiple times, suggests a coalition with Stephen. "I do know it would be fun for you and I to go the distance."
Stephen lies with "I got it. I'm feelin' that."
Angie's turn--she doesn't know which pinata to swing at. "I want to ask the kids." She swings at Tracey's cat until she steps out of the line and is disqualified. Finally, the game ends; Keshia, Tracey, and Corbin find $10,000 I.O.U.'s to add to the pot. Stephen reveals his exemption. Ahmad bargains with him to trade his exemption for more money added to the pot--first $30,000 and then $50,000, which would bring the total to $91,000. Stephen refuses his offer and retorts, "I ain't comin' back to lose, dawgie." Yes, it rains pussycats and dawgies in the Yucatan, dawgie.
My Virgin Ears
What is up with the celebrities of today? That's all I have to say.
The crew return home in separate SUV's and point moles at each other. Stephen, ever talkative, returns to how Dennis didn't lower his pinata for Stephen but lowered for Corbin. Quite clearly, the masculine upstaging is played out here--the question of whether Dennis would submit his bull to Stephen's long erect bat. Stephen then tells the passengers that Corbin swore that the exemption was in the pink pig: "Look at the double entendre. If he says give me your exemption and knows where the mole is blah blah blah. But then again how does he know?"
We later see a cell phone exchange between Corbin and Stephen. Corbin smokes a cigar while lounging on Captain's deck. "Hey, Stevie. Now's the time to talk." They talk. Stevie is evasive. Corbin is frustrated. Goodbye. "Copy that."
Night subsumes the B-list celebrities. On the large back patio of the hotel, the crew lounges. Lilting on the audio track is weird, inappropriate tinkalee Nutcracker music. Ahmad introduces the contestants to a new game. They must reach concensus about the next exemption recipient. They have 20 minutes. If they don't reach agreement, Ahmad threatens to remove $20,000 from the pot.
Corbin initiates with a comment that he'll only agree to an exemption that he gets to keep. Mark and Stephen engage in faux-argumentative banter. "You're out of order!" "YOU'RE out of order!" "I hated the Flintstones!"
Keshia tick-tocks that she's voting for no one. A few minutes later, when she calls Corbin on his non-voting, Corbin erupts with "No, I'm being generous just like you, you silly b****. That's not the word you think it is. The asterisks stand for a hard to pronounce word which means "happy, little clouds." Anyway, Mark interrupts the tension with "Can I see a sorry?" Corbin is quick to apologize, but Keshia is not quick to let go. She tells Corbin where he can put his happy, little clouds. "You don't exist for me right now."
Mark: Eight celebrities, eight little sissies.
They finally come to concensus and agree to give the exemption to Dennis, who doesn't want it. He thinks that it would mean getting a "free ride." Next, Corbin provokes Angie with taunts of how getting naked may get her somewhere elsewhere but not here. He accuses her of "moly, roly, doly" behavior for having disenabled the rest of the concensus process.
Angie: Corbin, I hope you vote for me as the mole, I really f***in' do.
After her mouth unpixelates, she stands up and huffs off. The contestants inquire into whether or not she's using her "hurt feelings" as strategy or if that's just how she is. I vote they use parliamentary procedure at the next committee meeting. Only let people act like idiots if someone seconds the motion and everyone else says "Aye." Objections? None. Motion passes.
A Little Sumpin-sumpin Goin' On
Doesn't "Sumpin-sumpin" sound like it would be delicious with hoisin sauce and a side of egg rolls?
The mole, non-moles, and Ahmad meet for dinner. Corbin counts candles and shells and compares them to journals. Seven little candles, nine shells, Angie's journal is the number seven, nine minus two is seven.
Stephen says in confessional that he thinks that Dennis and Corbin have "a little sumpin-sumpin goin' on." Next, Stephen increases his potential for injury. He says that "you can't even look at [Dennis] he's so freaky." He briefly catches himself to say "freaky good...for you."
At the dinner table, Stephen questions Dennis about the bull-lowering, about why he lowered the bull for Corbin but not for him. Dennis answers, "I was just tired, dude."
Grim Reaper in Blue
Purple clouds journey fast over the dark sky. The full moon. Close-up on the lagoon. Tonight is the second execution.
Ahmad wishes the contestants good luck, with special emphasis on Dennis, who could've easily had an exemption this episode. The test questions float on the screen. We see the contestants answer the questions, their faces alit with laptops. As voiceovers we hear their inquiries about possible mole activity.
Angie: Dennis said he didn't want his exemption.
Keshia mentions that Mark's pink pig held the exemption.
Tracey describes her frustration with Angie's control of the meeting. She adds that Angie's power in ending the discussion was very suspicious.
Corbin reiterates that he's "pissed off at myself for telling people too much of what I believe."
The group convenes on the execution stage. They sit in wooden folding chairs. Stephen wears a blue point-hooded robe that looks like he's on a papal beach holiday. Or perhaps he's some interning grim reaper.
Welcome to Your Second Execution
As if one wasn't enough for me...gawd.
Ahmad illustrates that at the last execution they had $31,000 in the pot, but now they only have $16,000.
Stephen: Don't hate me because I'm exempt.
Dennis waves goodbye.
Mark: Sure, Dennis. Now you call Jesus.
Mark: This is a sick game. If I go, I'm takin' everybody with me. Green.
Tracy covers her eyes with her book. Green.
Drippily sad music plays in the background. People vie for hugging Corbin goodbye.
Mark: We love you, Colonel.
As Ahmad and Corbin death march through the hotel, Corbin bitterly relays, "It'll be a walk I won't be doing again. That's a guarantee." Confessionals highlight the contestants' views of Corbin. Mark says he was a "World War II type guy." Angie ironically notes that Corbin quickly provoked her and that "that's playing the game."
Corbin: Clearly this is a game that's not within my ability.
Corbin's Medulla Oblongata: Will you accept this collect call?
Corbin enters the El Taxi Loco for the last loco time. He has been given the proverbial whack from the proverbial whack-a-mole whacker.
Stephen: I'm all alone in the battle area.
Ahmad: Always my favorite player.
Keshia: Oh gawd. I have the hiccups and can't talk anymore. Maybe I'll hold my breath and see if it goes away. (She holds her breath.)
(She releases her breath.)
And so we end our second installment of the Celebrity Mole: Yucatan Adventure Series with special guests Chuck E., Sheena E., Joanie, and Chachie. I hope you enjoyed watching this program as much as I did. It is an honor and privilege to write for such cool Private Investigators as yourselves. As always, remember to take ample notes and keep your decoder rings well-lubricated.
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