Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
1/7 Episode Recap--Mooning The Yucatan
You are sitting on a lounge chair, the lagoon waters lapping over your feet, the thatched hut that is really a mansion in the backdrop. You are temporarily residing on the Yucatan peninsula, former home of the Mayans, and quite possibly a few fake fertility symbols. You are surrounded by sex symbols and wannabe sex symbols. Are you the MOLE?
Or are you the guaca?
Welcome to the recap of the fantastically funny (I was genuinely surprised) Celebrity Mole: Yucatan. As someone who takes great pleasure in mysteries, clues, and strategic endeavors, I watched this episode closely. Are you all taking notes as well as I am? Because I have no recollection of who wore what color shirt, and I'm certain that one of the many detectives reading this will fill me in on that important detail. It takes a finely trained sleuth (or an obsessive freak) to cipher the latent clues and the facial expression giveaways just overflowing on this lavishly decorated beach paradise. I double-taked when I saw the "hut," as the aerial segments and tropical lodging reminded me of the resort in one of the Survivor rewards. I would say, "I digress," but quite clearly Celebrity Mole is to Survivor what Joanie Loves Chachie was to Happy Days. What are the differences?
Yes, it's a stretch, but it's just this kind of thinking that leads all code-cracking detectives to their mole goal. So, let us open our journals to page one. . .
- We get to play the "Home Game," emceed by our beloved John.
- Every day is one big reward, as the lavish, exquisite surroundings stand in marked contrast to Survivor's erector set shacks and manioc pancakes.
- The players are already famous and don't need to strip for publicity. Or do they...?
- They, generally speaking, work together as a team on the challenges so as to add money to the pot, rather than save themselves.
- The players don't vote each other out. Their sleuthing or their mole-ing carries them to the end.
- The players form coalitions, work together, and love each other (Stephen Loves Tracey), while the Survivors rock around the insomniac clock, spend all their time in a diner (worrying about food), and form a bizarre cult of character around the Fonz (Rupert).
"Why would Baldwin and Bernsen be back for this?"
Stephen: For Corbin and I to come back and participate in a psychotic event must mean that we are psychotic people.
No s**t, Sherlock.
In the opening of the season premiere, Stephen Baldwin, his face dimly illuminated, lists off the show's players. In it we see clips featured later in this episode. As a refresher, I will briefly list the players. Click on the names to go to that celebrity's thread for information and discussion. For other threads about Celebrity Mole: Yucatan, click here or on the link at the top of this page, which will take you to the discussion forum.
The show starts out with introductions of the players. They all make love to the camera and say, "I am the mole" in a very convincing voice or, in Dennis Rodman's case, "I am the mole of mole-ville," which was just wrong. I think he should save it for his guest appearance on The Smurfs Smurfily Smurf: Smurfland.
- Stephen Baldwin, dawg, starred in The Usual Suspects, has a lot of actor-ly brothers.
- Angie Everhart is a supermodel, and she has a beautiful body. She makes a living off of being sexy and has a tendency to act out, but I'll chalk that up now to nervous tension and the desire to be noticed.
- Mark Curry is a comedian and had a show once called "something-something Mr. Cooper." He seems to be genuinely funny and a bit of a perv.
- Ananda Lewis was an MTV Visc Jockey, I mean Video Jockey, and she is sharp-witted and rather pretty.
- Dennis Rodman, yadda yadda, major leagues, Chicago Bulls.
- Tracey Gold, regular cutie, starred in Growing Pains. I grew up watching that show--and painfully too!
- Keshia Knight Pulliam was Rudy on The Cosby Show. She still looks like Rudy, and she still is sweet and smart. She says that she plans to use her sweetness as her strategy: who would suspect innocent Rudy?
- Corbin Bernsen acted on L.A. Law.
I Am the Master of My Fate, the Taxi Driver of my Soul
Ahmad Rashad, the emmy-winning sportscaster, greets Corbin. Corbin will be the designated driver of El Taxi Loco. He welcomes Corbin to the show and acknowledges him for playing the last season of Celebrity Mole "with such heart and conviction." Dramatic pause. "Even though you played it poorly." Ahmad exchanges Corbin's hat for a new one. "New show, new hat." In the challenge, Corbin must pick up all the other players from a variety of destinations. Each time he picks up a passenger, he will receive a clue for his next destination. Each time $5,000 will be added to the pot. He has 75 minutes to accomplish this task, and he is allowed to ask for directions. Also, accompanying him are Carlos and Pepe, chickens. They cluck in time with the general taxi conversation.
Between the chickens and the bobbing chihuahua dog, there're lots of opportunities for visual stimuli on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Corbin drives relatively conscientiously though, and the wild-ness is provided by the caged chickens and the other dawg, Stephen "dawg" Baldwin.
"Donde esta el policia?" Corbin asks a pedestrian. "I don't know," the pedestrian replies, probably wowing over Corbin's brilliant command of Spanish.
El Taxi Loco, a bright yellow SUV, boasts a "Baby on Board" diamond which reads "Mole on Board." On the dashboard reads, "Driver carries only $30,000 in change," and did I mention the chihuahua. There's a chihuahua doll in the taxi. Isn't that craaaaazy? Now give me some caaaanday.
Brightly colored buildings, easy-cheesy clues like "Calle Corazon: Don't let this heartbreaker fool you," and eventually four other passengers lead to $25,000 in the pot. When Corbin picks up Ananda, he asks her age. "Thirty," she replies and "Is he paranoid again?" Could 30 mean something? If you say no, then you're not taking adequate notes. I've got my eye on you.
At 25 minutes left, the team has to pick up Dennis Rodman at a basketball court. "Why are you going so slow?" They seem to have different ideas of what "west" is. "You go your west," Ananda says. A spat ensues, which Mark defuses with a request to sing Kumbaya and hold hands.
Corbin refuses to U-turn and is suspected of sabotaging the challenge. After they pick up Dennis, they have to pick up Tracey Gold which they cleverly decipher with the clue "Get your gold rush on to find this celebrity on Avenue 5." Do they pick her up or do they rush back to home base? They dispute this and return. They do not pass go. They do not collect Tracey or Keshia. When they return, some of the players are convinced that Tracey was only a block away. Was an evil plot brewing?
Ananda: Oh, the mole has struck. Trust me.
This Is Not Virginia Woolf's Diary
Windsurfing, women in bottom-baring bikinis, and volleyball--we return from commercial and enter the thatch-roofed mansion-hut. The contestants choose their journals, the place to collect their thoughts and piece together clues. The journals are numbered and Corbin, who knows this game, "helps out" his team of opponents; he asks their numbers, after which "What number are you?" rings through the Hut Estate.
Corbin stands up and notices a tapestry sporting a golden fish! Could Tracey Gold be the mole, he inquires? Angie, in confessional, adds, "He smelled the paint." Perhaps the paint smelled like Tracy Gold.
After writing their diary entries, the contestants play "Artifact or Fiction?" Clever clever. These are the same people who came up with Mole-oha. The crew nominates two "salespeople," Corbin and Mark. Corbin and Mark are presented with two Mayan artifacts; one is real and one is not. They must describe their artifact to the group. The group must decide who is lying. If the liar tricks everyone into thinking he's telling the truth, then he gets an "exemption," which means the executioner doesn't visit him this episode. Corbin describes a tequila-making gourd which separates the agave by virtue of a long passageway into which the tequila-maker sticks mud. Mark describes a rock in a box, a phallic fertility symbol that the father gives his son-in-law when his son-in-law marries his daughter. Mark blinks a lot and hesitates and is obviously lying. Hindsight is really 20-20, but the group believed that Corbin was the liar, and the process was like this:
Keshia immediately says that she knows that Corbin was the liar, and she wants to explain how she knows this. She is quite eager. Perhaps she is trying to sabotage the challenge! Very interesting, Smithers. The group pow-wows. Angie mentions that she almost bought a fertility device just like the one that Mark demonstrated. Bring your dildo with you to the Yucatan, Angie, rather than attempting to purchase one abroad. Those ancient Mayan fertility rocks are a dime a dozen on the ground outside your hotel room.
Tracy hesitates, and Ananda believes Corbin briefly, as she knows that tequila is indeed made as he described. Eventually they're swayed by virtue of "Miss I Went Shopping and Saw the Penis," which is Ananda's name for Angie.
Mark about the fertility device: This was the rock that was found in South Central.
Angie, in a confessional, admits that she lied about going shopping. Her strategy, she says, is to cause others to think she's the mole. Now, how did she know that Mark was the REAL liar? If she knew that Mark was the real liar, she could convince others to vote for Corbin. If she wasn't the mole, then she wouldn't know who the liar was. If Corbin was the liar, then her insistence about the fertility symbol would only serve to prove that Corbin was the liar, and she would be given accolades instead of oogly eyes from the others.
Hey, Baby. Wanna Coalition?
The players, in two SUV's, discuss strategy.
Dennis: I don't give a (censored censored censored) Final Three (censored censored).
Corbin tells his car cohorts that they should be glad that they're not in the same car with Stephen, dawgie dawg.
Stephen: Dawg! You just drooled on yourself.
At Robinson Crusoe's mansion-shelter, Stephen approaches Tracey. I think they're in love. Their dynamic...ah, sparks, zing zing. Stephen realizes that it's important to form a "coalition." So is that what the kids call it now? They are like horny teenagers when they approach each other. "I'm not the mole!" "I'm not the mole." "You blinked a little there." "Who do you think it is?" "Who do YOU think it is?" Tracey later confesses that she formed one with Stephen because he was "the only one who asked." Kind of like the prom...*sigh*
Who is the mole? Stephen believes it's Keshia, Dennis, or Corbin. Tracey believes it's Ananda or Mark. They question each other vehemently. Stephen later confesses that Tracey is everything he's not: "scholastic, cerebral." They think "the opposite," but he believes that this is to his advantage, because they can inquire into each others' choices. And if you line them up just right, they fit together like guanine and cystosine.
Stephen: See you later!
He sees Mark approaching and doesn't want to be caught conspiring with (flirting with) Tracy. "Oh my gawd. Phew," and Stephen mimes wiping sweat from his brow as he disappears into his suite.
The Tide Is High, and I'm Holdin' On
Keshia, Ahmad says, you have to convince the players to "join you in a nighttime swim after dinner." For having chosen lucky number 2 as her journal, Keshia is elected to play her own secret challenge and maybe even get lucky. Mark, though, is the only one who gets lucky, as you'll see in a moment. For each player who gets in the water the producers will add $2,000 to the pot. If someone goes skinny-dipping, then Keshia will get an exemption.
By 10:30 the crew still masticates their meal and puts the emaciated Survivor castaways to shame. Keshia has to think of something, so she feigns illness so as to take a walk. A few indigestion relief product plugs later, Keshia is on the shore of the lagoon with Mark and Angie.
Mark: I'm a man. What can I say?
Keshia: I dare you.
Mark: I dare you, too.
Keshia: I don't believe you have the cajones. (For those of you who don't speak Spanish, cajones means happy, little clouds.)
But it's not Mark she convinces; it's Angie. Keshia encourages her by going in the water in a towel. Angie takes it all off, and she is pixelated in all the right places, I would imagine. On my screen (and not to ply you for gratitude but I can only catch ABC while literally holding onto the antenna--no other method works) Angie just looked nude, and I thought I was in Canada for a moment.
With Keshia skinny-dipping close by (though in a towel), Angie proudly waves her bikini top like a flag of swimwear surrender. Mark expresses that this should be the Playboy Channel and Keshia receives her exemption. The pot gains $6,000 more dollars, and male viewers across America run out of lotion.
Mark: I will never watch The Cosby Show in the same way again.
The First Last Supper
Ahmad: Welcome to the first Execution Dinner.
Angie glances askance, her neck adorned in a pearl necklace like some first-round Joe Millionaire phantom. At mention of the secret "Moon Over Yucatan" challenge, Angie crabbily offers, "You should have to work for an exemption." Angie mooned the Yucatan without so much as peanut butter and chocolate to get her in the mood. (Yes, I know it's a tired joke now, but I couldn't resist.)
The contestants offer their thoughts of the execution, as they are lit up by glowing laptop computer screens. They take the infamous Quiz. Those who do the most poorly on the quiz will be visited by the Executioner. Well, actually, they'll just be escorted off the set, but it's more fun to think of death.
Voiceovers of their confessionals treat us with the following:
Dennis: Won't be me. (He then wonders why Stephen and Corbin returned.)
Tracy: If only I had money, I would've bought so many things (She regrets being stranded without money at the store while the whacky taxi rushed home.)
Corbin about Dennis's lack of game play: Unless he's the mole, he'll be executed.
Ananda muses about Angie's lie, about how they all gave in to her insistence and then they lost the money.
Angie: I asked her (Keshia) if she was the mole. She smiled and looked down.
Tracy: I'm going with Keshia and Angie but I'm not sure. I'm really not sure.
A beautiful montage of the Yucatan: the sun seems to rise (or set?) over a stone castle (or ancient ruins?). The camera pans over the green-lit fingerprint screens, each contestant's name captioning a gigantic print. Against the night, the light emanating from what appears to be the hut's ballroom adds chiaro-oscuro to the authentic Yucatanian hamlet. Marie Antoinette ventures out of her castle and allows each contestant to kiss her cleavage, while Louis the XVI agrees to gild the floor of each player's private quarters. I'm really sorry that you missed this episode.
The contestants walk to their thrones which for the moment look like wooden folding chairs. Ahmad will say each person's name, and the screen with their name on it will either turn green or red. If red, then that person is executed. They are then pronounced guaca on arrival and packed into an SUV-hearse. The hearse is made of gold and is then buried with the executed in a gigantic pyramid-shaped tomb.
Stephen. Green. "Yes!"
Corbin. Stephen says, "Come on Corbs." Green.
Ananda is hyperventilating at this point.
Dennis. He looks cool. Green.
Ananda. "I'm not looking." Red.
Ananda has a lot to say about this. She thinks she screwed up on the first quiz question. She tells the others, "I woulda won too." If what? If she hadn't lost? She tells Ahmad in their long walk through the golden pyramid, "I'm a trailblazer. Someone had to go first."
Tracy remarks about the loss of Ananda, about her analysis: She took really detailed notes.
Ananda hugs Ahmad before going into El Taxi Loco. She turns and looks at the camera: "Filthy Hobbitses!" She then morphs, and we see that she is not the beautiful VJ we all have known (for an hour) and loved (for an hour), but really Smeagol! If only she had her precious, she would have won. But it is too late. Frodo has the ring and he's taking it to Mordor--a scary place built entirely by celebrities with too much time on their hands.
In any case, thank you all. It has been a pleasure viewing this show with you and a pleasure writing for you. Remember to take copious notes and wear your secret decoder rings.
Craaaazy. Now give me some canday! If you'd like to send hate-mail, love-mail, or have all your questions answered about life and death, please send an e-mail to email@example.com.