This week we Meet The Heagele boys. Three strapping young men looking to pimp out their mom. What an interesting concept for this show. So interesting, in fact, that we see an ad promoting a new show called “Date My Mom” and they are looking for families willing to participate. The Mom is Barbara, a 47 year old single mom of Mark, Adam, and John. The boys agree to send 26 year old middle son Adam to the door the meet the guys because he’s the biggest. I wonder if that’s how the boys decide everything, which can be a vicious cycle. Adam gets all the food because Adam is the biggest and Adam is the biggest because he gets all the food.
The three gentlemen arrive at the Heagele Place in a chauffeur driven limo. We get to meet the fogies as they step out.
First up is Darrow. Yet another name that makes my spell check go crazy. I don’t want to add it, because who knows when I might mis-type Sparrow for an important document and just not catch it? (LG adds, Cali, “ignore all” is a wonderful feature.) Any Hoo, Darrow is 43 and looking cute with his coy smile and dimples. Darrow has participated in a number of “tough man” competitions. Now I’m picturing the “World’s Strongest Man” competition I watched in a sports bar and know that if Mom needs someone to throw a keg of beer over her backyard fence, Darrow’s ‘Da Man.
Second out of the chute is Greg. He’s a politician so I’m not fond of his slimy grin already. He is the mayor of Redondo Beach. Won the election by a landslide. I’m not sure it’s a good idea to use the word landslide about anything in California, as I’m expecting it to slide right into the ocean any day now. Greg gets out of the limo and slaps a bumper-sticker on the limo for his next campaign.
Our last could be suitor is an artist named Keith. He is 48 yet wears a black T-Shirt and leather jacket. It’s not working. For an artist, he had a poor grasp of how grey his hair looks when he’s wearing black. Perhaps next time a cheery chartreuse instead, Keith.
The producers waste no time in setting these guys up to fall. They are presented with three gifts to give Mom. A bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates and mystery gift. If the gifts are not given, or if the guys tell that they were told to give them a nasty fact will be revealed about all the gentlemen.
Carefully open the nicely wrapped gift and we find a box of condoms, ribbed for her pleasure. Oh who will be the lucky guy? Lets find out with a game of Rock, Paper Scissors. Now I play this with my kids sometimes. We have decided that we go AFTER the count of three. 1, 2, 3 present choice. That’s how it works. These guys didn’t take the time to decide on the count, and anyone who watched Lethal Weapon 2 or 3 knows how very important it is to get that straight before proceeding on such important matters. We know now that none of these guys have teenage kids.
1, 2, Darrow throws out scissors, Kieith gets flustered and throws out what looks to be broken scissors and Greg the politician, is still in fist form thinking he’ll go after three. Being the bright Bull S****er that he is he grabs the opportunity to say he beat them both with his rock. Yeah. He gets to give the flowers and the other two carry on with the game to see who gets to give the condoms. Keith wins it by sticking with scissors while Darrow brings out the paper.
The doorbell chimes and it has been decided that since Adam is the most intimidating he will answer the door. It’s Greg and the boys are impressed with his flowers. Keith is next in with his chocolates. Again they decide it was sweet. Adam does note that Keith looks like one of Mom’s ex-boyfriends, and that isn’t a good thing. The baggage these 40-something year old singles bring to the show is amazing, no wonder they are expanding on this concept. Next up on Fox, “The Randy Octogenarians,” with one single 80 year old man locked in a nursing home with 20 lovesick 80 year old women. Will anyone be left standing, with or without a walker?
Poor Darrow. He is so worried about his gift. He follows Adam into the kitchen to meet up with mom, and decides it best to call her aside to give his gift. He tries telling her that it fell out of Greg’s luggage. The boys demand to see and although there is laughter all around, one of them says that the box had better be full when they leave.
Mom is happy to learn that it was all a set up to stop secrets from being told.
There is a little time for some Q and A. Unfortunately we only get to hear all the questions the boys are throwing at these guys: Democrat or Republican? Ever been married? Like kids?
Dirty Little Secrets
Greg’s secret comes first. We learn that although he did win the Mayoral race by a landslide, he ran unopposed.
Um, OK. If that’s the best they can do, this guy is one damn good politician. And when I say that I mean he’s good at keeping his secrets buried. I know he has some… Now that you mention it, Cali, I’m thinking Greg, a/k/a Mr. Teflon does have a little “Kennedy” swoop going on with his hair.
Darrow is next. He apparently fights strangers. Often. He claims it’s always in self-defense, but the boy’s aren’t buying it. These boys have been in enough bars to know that very few people are ever drunk enough (while still vertical) to decide it would be a good idea to pick a fight with somebody as big as Darrow.
The final secret is, of course, about Keith, we learn that he once stole the tips off of tables at a diner to pay his bill. He was 3 dollars short for a sandwich. How one cannot know that they don’t have enough for a sandwich is beyond me.
All seven sit for a nice relaxing dinner of Chili. I keep waiting for the doorbell, or the FAX to sound off, but nothing happens. They retire to the backyard to sit by the firepit for dessert.
What is this? The theme music from Jaws? Should we expect a landshark? No, in an attempt to spice up the episode, we are treated to dessert with the ex girlfriends.
Heather, a nice looking young woman used to date Greg. She tells us that he over commits. She emphasizes this point by saying he never calls.
Keith dated Diane for a while. One day after lunch he gazed lovingly into her eyes and told her he was falling for her. Eight days later he stopped calling.
Darrow is looking nervous. His ex is Jessica, and while sitting next to her he refuses to make eye contact with anyone. He has found his shoes to be extraordinarily interesting. Buster Browns, I think. We find out the most shocking dirty little secret here. Darrow loves his dog! He bought health insurance for him. Wait… it gets better. He also put a bottle opener on his collar.
Wow! Unbelievable. No wonder Darrow is afraid to make eye contact, now that we know he is a dog lover. How can he ever return to his regular life after that shocking revelation. Oh, and Jessica also noted that Darrow is a tad immature and that she had no clue how old he really is because he acted a decade younger.
The next morning at 6am we get our first peek into the fogies living quarters. The boys knock on the dungeon door to wake them up for physicals. They have hired a doctor to put them through the wringer, complete with chest X-Rays.
Later in the living room the doctor comes in to talk about the findings. He pulls out Greg’s X-Ray and says he’s concerned about something he sees. Greg’s eyes widen, as any normal person’s would, and he is left wondering for second what is going on with him. Luckily, the concerning feature of this X-Ray was planted by the producers in an attempt to be funny. There is another little secret printed on it.
We find out that Greg snuck out of the party his wife threw him in order to go out drinking with some friends. I’m not sure why these friends weren’t just invited to the party in the first place. Greg asks the boys to define “out”, “party”, “friends”, “with” and “some” before shaking his finger in their direction and denying the entire episode.
Darrow’s X-Ray snitches on the time he picked up a woman in a Jacuzzi at a nudist club. He admits to it, but claims he should be forgiven, because he’s been hit a lot.
Lastly we get to see Keith’s X-Ray. Our sensitive artist once killed his girlfriend’s cat. He hated that cat. He killed it with a vacuum cleaner. Keith claims he’s been hit a lot. Oh wait, no he doesn’t, but I’d like to hit him a lot. He tells us it was an accident, that the cat had a heart attack after he “playfully” chased and repeatedly poked him with the vacuum. Repeatedly because when the cat tried to leave Keith would “playfully” stop him from going. Loser. Keith has just entered the “Zone of No Forgiveness” for our resident animal lover, Cali. Take your things and leave now, Keith, as Cali’s awarding the date to animal lover Darrow (who named his dog “Dog” because he was concerned he wouldn’t be able to remember its name because he’s been hit so many times, but that is another issue).
Our first date takes us to a Yoga place with Keith. Both Keith and Mom talk about how nice it is to get away from the boys and have some alone time.
What’s this? The MMF Plumbing van? Yes, it’s the boy’s watching the dates on closed circuit TV. I would assume they are relieved as nothing more than a sweet little kiss takes place. It seemed to have been a rather boring date.
Darrow, who admittedly has been hit too often, takes mom to a boxing gym. He teaches her how to bob and weave while throwing out a few punches. The boys are in the van laughing at Darrow’s attempts at flirting. When he finally dives in for a kiss he has the guys rolling and calling him an idiot.
Greg, poor Greg, if the scandal sheets had nothing before, they’ve got something now. He takes Mom to a spa where they are going to smear mud all over each other. Yummy. The boys listen in as Greg takes this opportunity to talk about himself. A lot. Probably more than Darrow’s been hit. After listening for a minute or two the boys come up with a game. Everytime Greg says “I” or “me” they throw a pretzel stick on the counter. By the time the “mud room” is ready for the couple there is a stack of pretzels rivaling a 20:1 scale model of Everest. It would have been higher, but Adam kept eating the pretzels out of the pile. Hey, it’s hard work to stay the “biggest” brother with this crew.
After the smearing of the mud the two need to shower off. The boys are none too happy and decide it’s time to stop the shenanigans right that instant. They barge in on Mom and her date in the shower and tell them the date is over and it’s time to go home. Mom and Greg have a definite “oh shit” look on their faces.
Mom says “No” and stares them down. The two oldest boys leave rather quickly, but 21 year old Baby John stands his ground.
Mom again tells him she’s not ready for the date to end and finally John leaves.
I was fully expecting the wire hangers to come out.
Finally the prospective dates get to share something personall about themselves in a grade school inspired show and tell. That wouldn’t be the last grade school inspired thing we get to see.
Darrow volunteers to go first. He show Mom and the boys two title belts that he had won. Poor Darrow, one minute he’s complaining that he’s been hit too often, the next he’s showing off the fact that he’s been hit too often. We now know that Darrow gets hit on purpose as well as in “self-defense” from a onslaught of random masochistic strangers. What did Jessica say about Darrow’s maturity level?
Keith brought a painting that was on display in his first solo art showing in a gallery. I think his first showing was in grade school. The painting is titled “The Fast Dog” and it is a portrait of his Greyhound. I could have done better. He does show that he has a sense of humor by attaching a bottle opener to the painting reminding everyone of Darrow’s dog, Dog, who sports a church key on his collar so that he prevent Darrow from losing more teeth in opening beers “the hard way” while watching sports on tv away from the kitchen. The boys laugh. I roll my eyes.
Fourscore and Seven years ago today, Greg started his show and tell. He brought a picture of his visit to the Clinton White House. He is shaking Clinton’s hand. The picture was really self explanatory, yet Darrow almost fell asleep listening to Greg go on and on. If the boy’s had had pretzels, there would have been the beginnings of a Mount Kilimanjaro in the living room.
Available This Week At Blockbuster
That’s right, it’s video time. Break out the popcorn, it’s time for more secrets.
Randy, a soon to be ex friend of Darrows tells us that he’s been hit too often. He also says that Darrow doesn’t trust the women he dates and even went so far as to send Randy into a bar where he knew his girlfriend was, so Randy could hit on her.
Darrow explains this by saying that he really wanted to break up with her, so he was hoping she’d take the bait. He has been hit too often.
Gotta love your sister. Even Greg, whose sister Debbie told Mom and the boys that Greg only dates younger women. If a woman is over 35 she has too much baggage. How old is Mom again? Hmmmm, not good for Greg.
It’s Mr. Bill. A good friend of Keith’s who feels the need to tell everyone that Keith breaks up with women after the second date, as he is afraid of commitment.
The boy’s question Keith who refuses to answer. He will not be disrespected anymore by these young whippersnappers. He is twice their age.
This doesn’t sit well with John, who yells at Keith and is actually quite a bit less than half Keith’s age. I’m not sure why John is sporting the most attitude around the dates, but he’s still in college and hasn’t fully realized that most people don’t solve things with yelling, or as in Darrow’s case, fighting.
Darrow and Greg sink into the sofa. I was waiting for Darrow to ring the bell indicating that round one was over thus sending each opponent to his neutral corner.
John apologizes for yelling, and they all head off for dinner.
Time To Go
The fax interrupts dinner, as it so often does, and the boys learn they must send a guy packing in fifteen minutes.
Mom weighs in with some reverse psychology and tells them to ditch Darrow. My daughter and I cringe, as although I’ve been taking pot shots at Darrow throughout this recap, he really is my favorite.
The boys discuss for a while and come to a decision.
Honor thy Mother. Send Darrow home.
The only good thing I can think of about Darrow’s leaving, is that my spell check can rest. I’ll miss ya bud! He was a sweetheart, but Mom made a good point about his maturity level when she said that she’d love to adopt him as one of her boys. Mom cries as Darrow leaves.
The next morning we find the real reason for the boys decision. They challenge the remaining two to a football game. The Title Belt wearing loser would have creamed them, and they knew it. They picked off the youngest of the Dates and by far the strongest person there so they could take on their mom and two guys in their mid to late 40s in a game of “touch” football.
After playing for a few minutes, the idiot that is Keith, decides it would be fun to taunt to boys. He calls them sissy’s, pansy’s, girly boys etc. They tackle him. Repeatedly. I laugh.
Keith and Barbara go for a private walk and Keith strolls down memory lane. “Remember yesterday? That was fun”. I think he needs some Ginko Biloba. Soon.
Greg is afforded the same luxury, and spends more time talking about himself. “Enough about me, what do you think about me?”
After the walks, Keith and Greg are chillin’ in the bedroom when they are offered a “tour of the wine cellar”. We loyal viewers know this means it’s time for….
The Lie Detector Test
Keith is up first and after being strapped in, the questions begin:
Do you ever want to remarry? Yes
If you marry my Mom will you co-sign a loan for me? Yes
If you find the right woman will you have trouble committing? No
Would you resent me if I put you in a home? Yes
Have you lied to us this weekend? No
If you marry my Mom can I live with you? No
If I ask you not to sleep with my Mom in Hawaii would you respect my wishes? Yes
Greg faces the machine next.
Have you lied this weekend? No
If I pick you and you go back to the White House, would you take us? Yes
If my Mom gained 30 pounds would you date her? Yes
If Mom asked you not to run for Mayor again would you respect her wishes? Yes
If I got a traffic ticket in Redondo Beach, would you fix it? No
Will you try to sleep with Mom in Hawaii? No
Four truths. But remember, his job is rather “lie intensive”.
The youngin’s have to decide now. They are really torn about what to do. In the end they choose Greg to take their Mom to Hawaii.
I’m glad, because after Darrow left I just wanted this episode to end.
Join us tonight (Tuesday, March 11, 2003 at 10 pm Eastern) for another episode of Meet My Folks, with a recap coming shortly to the FORT.
If you have any questions or comments (or are a cast member who would like to arrange an interview), please email me firstname.lastname@example.org or my collaborator, LG at email@example.com m and we’d be happy to hear from you.