OK, he were are on the final episode of what's got to be the sappiest reality show I've ever had the misfortune of watching. On the bright side I've figured out what happened to the several billion tons of excess cheese produced in the US last year.
The main players in this ridiculous melodrama are:
Marty the Dad, a Frito delivery boy who is such a loser he has to get his daughters to pimp up a wife for him. It's not surprising he wasn't able to have a son...
Suzanne, a.k.a the Wicked Witch of the West.
Stacy, a.k.a. Mrs. Who Is It This Week?.
The three evil step-sisters, I mean the three daughters. They are Brooke, Jennifer and Nicole but I have no idea which one is which, they are all controlling [bleep]es and I just don't care.
And Lie Detector Guy II, the only guy to get out of this show not looking like a complete idiot -- mostly because he never says anything. Plus he's always impeccably dressed.
"Suzanne, what's wrong?"
"One minute I'm freezing the next minute I'm burning up..."
"My mom just went through that, it's normal for a women of your age".
"Psych. Drop out now [bleep] or I break your fingers!"
"What did I do?"
"I need to marry this guy, who's going to come within ten feet of me after they've seen this show?"
"The girls like me more than they like you and Marty's too much of a wuss to make up his own mind, deal with it".
"Since the best woman can't win, and that was Marilyn, then I want to win".
"Back off, I know people who know Mike from FLOM..."
"There are five women at the table, am I ever going to get a chance to say something? Who am I kidding of course not, I guess I'll just sit here and grin like an idiot".
"Ladies, please go to the front door and get your wedding rings - and go together because there is a special surprise but it's not Lie Detector Guy this time, we promise".
Filling the role of "cute little girl #1", straight from her family in Thialand is NBC's latest acquisition -- Tina.
And it's Tina sister Beth as "cute little girl #2", NBC got a deal buying in bulk.
Hands up all those who didn't see this coming, no one? That's what I thought.
"If you and my dad were trapped in a blizzard, would give him your last freeto or would you dump his lifeless body over a cliff?"
Where do they get these questions?
"Off with her head!"
"I don't think we're allowed to do that?"
"What's this country coming to..."
"Suzanne, are you a gold-digging skank".
"Hee hee hee, no one knows that these stupid little needles aren't even hooked up to anything, I can tell them anything I want and they'll believe me, hee hee hee".
"We have... two women that are in love with Dad".
"Are they mentally incompetent?"
"No, just desperate".
"I hope I'm never that desperate".
"That's why I have cats".
Thank God, but it's going to seem like a week...
"I went to sleep last night with the thought that this could be my last day as a single man".
Apparently Marty isn't too clear on the difference between getting engaged and getting married... I wonder if he has any clue that once the show wraps he can't see his betrothed for 5 months. At least he'll be clean with all the time he'll be spending in the shower...
"When I'm with you I feel like I'm home. I could totally see myself living in this house, it's pimped".
"Ummm, we don't really live here, it's a prop for the show. I have a double-wide back in Minnesota".
"Well then, I hope you have a happy life".
"That Brooke is hot, I think I'll use the old 'group hug' trick to cop a feel".
"Marty I have a gift for you, it's not something that can be wrapped up, but it is something you'll feel every time you have to urinate. It's the gift that keeps on giving".
"I really feel that, what's his name, your father. I feel that we've really found each other. Who's the guy on the sofa?"
"Don't laugh, don't laugh. Control yourself, you can do it, breath deep, think of something sad, 'this is the highlight of my life', that did it here comes the tears".
"It's hard to figure out which of these women is right for my Dad, because he's such a dull bag of sawdust. As much as I hate both of these women sticking them with my Dad is just too cruel. Not as cruel as making people watch this show, but still..."
Look, Suzanne has clear plastic bra straps. I just feel it's important to point those out because they don't fool anyone and just look silly.
"Seeing this just now, just turns my stomach. I've just realized what a sappy piece of crap this show is going to be..."
"We need to talk so you're both going to be carted off to separate hotels. Only one of you will be returning to join our family [evil laugh] Ahahahahahaha [/evil laugh]".
"Girls, I like Stacy".
"Stop thinking with your pants Dad. You just sit over there while we discuss this".
"I vote for Suzanne".
"That's settled then".
"Girls I'm serious, I really like Stacy".
"Dad, that's the first time in your life you've ever expressed an opinion about anything... You've really grown as a person being on this show, that's wonderful".
"It's so hard sitting here not knowing what's going to happen, I can so picture Marty being one of my Ex's".
"I seriously thought Marty lived in this house, since I found out he delivers potato chips for a living I haven't been able to stop crying".
"We have to make the right decision here, so we have to ignore what Dad has said and come to our own conclusion on the important question".
"Which woman will be easier to wrap around our little fingers?"
"Suzanne, you are such a wonderful person, we love everything about you, you would make a terrific wife, we would love having you as a step mom. We really love you, that's why we can't stick you with our loser of a father".
"Oh thank God, you had me really scared there for a moment. Marty, if I need chips at my next party I'll give you a call, tootles".
"Were's the cow that did my hair, you can't hide forever. Come out come out where ever you are".
"Wow, those 'ludes are really kicking in now. I'm not even upset about my hair anymore...".
"Oh look, fairies".
"Her lips are moving but all I can hear is, whaa whaa whaa whaa whaa, cool".
"No, no, no, no. I have to keep him? Are you kidding me?"
"I can hardly wait to meet your best friend and my sixth husband".
"Is now a good time to tell you I have a daughter?"
"With all that botox I don't know face could light up like that".
Oh thank the lord...