So I'm at the gym the other day and notice this very attractive young woman who's wearing spandex pants and a tight T-shirt. I see her from the back and the thought that runs through my mind is, "were's her mic. pack?" -- I'm watching way too much reality-TV. Ah what the hell it's not illegal and it keeps me off the streets at night. So lets get to the screen caps.
To recap, there are three women left:
and Nelle. There are some other women in minor roles but the show isn't about them so they can be safely ignored.
"We're off to the races" and endless other horse racing cliches.
There's this guy on the show too but I haven't figured out what his role is, none of the women seem to pay any attention to anything he says. Maybe he's a body guard...
"One of my favourite things to do is bet on the Ponies. I don't have a gambling problem though, it's not like I go to the track everyday, they're not even open on Mondays".
"I took the ladies to the Santa Anita race track the home of Sea Biscuits. I've never had a Sea Biscuit but I hear they're really good with Oysters".
"Go you toothless nag! Run! Run! Run! Run! I'll be making post-it notes out of you if you don't get your fetlocks in gear!"
Heh heh heh, 'Fetlock' is a funny word.
"Eww, what's that smell?"
"It's one of the horses".
This sign is about as believable as the limo's license plate.
Cue fake race track announcer and canned crowd noises.
"It's time for the lame reveal a bad fact game".
"My future with Marty could depend on which horse I pick".
Hold on, is she saying there are secrets from her past that are so horrendous that if Marty found out about them would destroy any chance she has with him? What is she going to do if he finds out whatever it is after the show ends? Ah what's it matter, it's not like any relationship that comes out of this show will last longer then the press tour anyway.
And the prizes for Lamest Job and Stupidest Costume go to...
While that is an impressive trumpet I wonder if he's trying to compensate for something?
What the heck, might as well introduce the other women too. There is...
and Suzanne. I know these women aren't the normal 20 something bimbos you see on other reality dating shows but jeez, the term horsey faced has never been more appropriate.
Strange, nobody else in the crowd is excited -- it's almost as if there was no real race being run... hmm.
"I really want to heard the bad facts about these women, one bad thing and it could knock the lady out of the running. Yes, I am a petty little prissy pot and I'm proud of it".
"Man, the things I'll do for a hundred bucks. I wonder if I can get off the show with as much class as that dog did. I hope my Mom isn't watching".
OK these aren't race horses, there is no way they'd let these guys get on a race horse. The middle guy is the size of three jockeys all by himself. I wonder where they got jockey coats that size, must have been a special order.
"Eww, there's that smell again..."
"I told you, it's the horse".
So let's run through the bad facts quickly... Jeff's up first:
"Suzanne like talks a lot, she never shuts up, she never lets you get a word in edge ways, blah blah blah".
"Like we didn't figure that out in the first 20 minutes".
Next up is Mike:
"Marilyn is the highest maintenance chick I've ever dated, it takes her hours to get ready for a date".
"What's wrong with that? It took me three hours to get ready to go to the Race Track"
And finally it's Stewart's turn:
"Stacy passes gas, I mean she farts all the time".
"Don't think we haven't noticed that".
"That was the dog!"
"The Dog hasn't been around for days".
"Stacy also likes to order expensive bottles of wine when you take her out to dinner and expects you to pay for it".
"That won't be a problem the restaurants I can afford to go to don't serve alcohol. It might be a problem if she starts super-sizing things though".
Jeez, 29 pictures and I'm only 11 minutes into the show... this is getting insane. My goal is to keep it to a maximum of 1 picture per minute of show (or to put it another way 44 pictures per episode).
It's private date time:
Hey wait a minute, isn't that the license plate from the SUV based limo in a previous episode? [Matt Mode]What is going on?[/Matt Mode]
"Marty took me on the cheapest date I've ever been on, we were in a limo but NBC only paid for the first 30 minutes so we had to get out and swipe a couple of bikes from some kids."
"Then when we got to the winery we had to work there all day just to get a couple of glasses of cheap plonk".
"My self esteem is so low that if Marty proposed to me I'd say yes".
It's the next day and it's the next date:
"We were supposed to go cross country skiing but Marty could only afford to rent snowshoes. They guy at the rental place was really nice, he took pity on us and let us borrow some poles for free".
"Come on Marty, they guy said if you chop up two cords of wood he's let us come inside and warm up".
And Cue Card Guy screws up again. That's the cue card from last week's show moron.
Day #3, date #3:
"I know I said I love to take long walks on the beach in my application, but everyone says that -- I didn't mean it".
"Is that a peanut in your pocket or are you just excited to have me sit in your lap?"
"This is just like that time I dated that frat guy".
"Yup, that's about how long it took".
"Marilyn once married and divorced a guy in the same weekend!"
"It's not what you think, I was only marrying him for his money and didn't find out he didn't have any until after the ceremony when the money from his last job ran out. I thought he said he was a lawyer but he really said he needed a lawyer".
"I can't go on one of those cars, there's a one in a hundred million chance that something could go wrong".
"Do you girls honestly believe that I would go through all this if I wasn't interested in grabbing my 15 minutes of fame, I mean interested in your father's money, I mean interested in your father? I'm not a lesbian, I did not have sexual relationships with that woman."
"Does this Jersey make my butt look big?"
It's good to see Joey Ramone is getting some work these days...
"We had to make six goals in 60 shots but we are way too lame. So we decided to cheat".
"Suzanne's bad fact: She owns almost as many pairs of designer shoes as we do".
"What's so bad about that?"
"Her feet aren't the same size as ours".
Pick the two women blah blah blah. Everyone knows the women are being sent to lie detector guy why the charade?
"Go ahead and give us your opinion, we'll pretend to listen to you".
"I'm not listening, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah".
"Nicole is trying to protect Stacy while Jennifer is trying to protect Suzanne so whoever I pick is going to piss off someone".
The obvious solution of picking Stacy and Suzanne apparently never crossed her mind. If they are going to stick it to her, she should stick it right back at them, oh well...
Thank the lord he wasn't in a speedo.
The walk of shame, or is that the lucky walk of escaping the disfunctional family from hell -- it's so hard to tell those two apart.
"I miss whats-her-name already. So who wants pie?"