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Thread: 7/5 recap: "The Great Skeet-Shoot of Love"

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    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    7/5 recap: "The Great Skeet-Shoot of Love"

    I’m going to start off this week by telling you all a story.

    As I was sitting on my couch (well, futon) watching this show and furiously scribbling notes, a stranger opened my apartment door by mistake. He shut it again quickly and went on his way. Now, was I scared? Not really. I was mostly embarrassed. Because the cheesy lines of “Who Wants to Marry My Dad” were blaring on my TV. This stranger – who is probably a friend of my neighbor -- could have heard such gems as “Would you still love our dad if he gained 50 pounds?” and “It was fate to me, and fate has let me down.” No wonder he scuttled away. Even a burglar would have to have second thoughts about robbing someone with such taste in TV.

    But at least the dude at the door did not see that I was taking notes.

    Which I will now sort into a semi-cohesive narrative.

    I have locked the door.

    You Look Awful Purty With That Gun in Your Hand
    We join the action in the morning, when dad Marty bops into the bedroom of the remaining seven women to announce they’re all going skeet-shooting. Marty tells us he hasn’t been skeet shooting for years, although in the next breath he calls it “one of my favorite hobbies.” Yeah, I take long breaks from my favorite hobbies all the time, just so I can get more practice in on the hobbies I despise. Soon, I hope to get so good at stamp-collecting that I can leave off and return to methodical shoe-shopping.

    At the skeet shooting place, Marty shows the first woman, Nicole, how to load the gun. Nicole looks as though something rancid has been shoved under her nose. But she gamely aims at the skeet, fires, and misses by a mile. Marty notes he has to be on his best behavior, “because all the ladies have guns in their hands.” Judging from their shooting, he will be fine. It’s the people on the sidelines who should be worried.

    Because not one of these women could hit the broad side of a barn. I’m not casting stones here -- I can’t shoot either. I have been skeet shooting exactly once in my life, because the guy I was dating wanted to go. He thought it would be “fun.” For the most part my job was to throw the skeet. At one point I accidentally threw the skeet into his arm instead of up into the air. Yet he still put a loaded gun into my hands and encouraged me to fire it. While I did not come near shooting the skeet, I also did not shoot him. I consider it a win-win experience. As should he.

    So, yeah, none of the women can shoot. Although perhaps Marilyn is a whiz at skeet – somehow she has hurt her shoulder, probably while cavorting in the hot tub in the last episode, or possibly contorting to get into a miniscule bikini, and can’t even try. Marty, despite his self-professed dry spell at his favorite hobby, manages to hit his skeet. (as a side note, I wonder how many shots they had to take before he hit one?)

    Bad Skeet! Bad!
    Out of nowhere, a dog comes running up with a skeet in his mouth. The women all ooh and ahh. But they shut up pretty darn quick when it turns out there’s a message on the skeet: playtime is over. Now there’s something at stake: if they miss their skeet this time, a “bad fact” about them will be revealed.

    Yeah, they all miss again. (Except the wounded Marilyn. More on that in a minute.)
    Nicole’s secret is that she once spent a night parked outside her boyfriend’s house to see if he was cheating on her. ‘Fess up, ladies (and gents) – who hasn’t at least done a drive-by to see if a beloved’s car was in the drive when he claimed to be home sick? I’m not feeling a lot of blame for Nicole. But Marty is taken aback. “The last thing I want is a stalker,” he says, in a helpful, just-clearing-that-up sort of way.

    Melanie’s secret is that she does so little cooking that the only thing actually in her refrigerator is a bottle of ketchup. Which she eats by the bowlful. The daughters are icked out. I don’t find ketchup at all appealing, but I have been known to eat pizza sauce out of the jar, so what do I know.

    Suzanne’s naughty secret is that she had to erect a privacy fence because she’s fond of lounging in her Jacuzzi in the nude. You can practically see the drool at the corner of Marty’s lip. Suzanne lucked out on that one – no man is going to see that as a negative unless he’s the Pope. And even then, I have my doubts.

    Sharon’s dirty laundry is that she’s been engaged twice but never married. Questioned further, she says the first was when she was 19, and the second at 24. The daughters ask whether she’d marry the second guy if he asked her now, and she doesn’t say no, which leads them to jump to the conclusion that Sharon is still in love with him. Sharon is what, 34 now? Listen, I fondly recall an almost-fiance I had seven years ago, but that doesn’t mean I’m still in love with him. Either we missed something here, or these daughters get their exercise through enormous leaps of imagination.

    Tammy’s secret is that she won’t change her last name if she remarries. The daughters seem to think this is frivolous, and ask if she’d change it if doing so was important to their dad. But keeping her name is surprisingly important to Tammy. “That’s who I am,” she says. “You gonna change your name to my name?” I can see her point. I’m not saying I wouldn’t change my name, but any future Mr. Lucy should at least understand it’s my decision, not his, and not a bowing-down to societal expectations. Anyway, the daughters think Tammy is unnecessarily defensive, and fear this is a sign she won’t compromise with Dad.

    Stacy, it turns out, has been divorced three times. Defending herself, she clarifies that she married one man twice. In a rather Ross-Geller-like manner, all the daughters hear is “divorced three times.”

    Marilyn, who’s still playing the injury card, begs Marty to shoot for her. As we know, he is capable of actually hitting a target, so obviously she just got a get-out-of-jail free card. Marty hits the skeet, not only saving Marilyn from an embarrassing revelation, but earning her a “good fact” – evidently she volunteers for the Make a Wish Foundation. If I were one of the other women who can’t shoot, I’d be a bit irked at the unfairness here.

    Lick My Love-Spoon
    Back at the house, there’s food and some skeet-related chitchat, before the inevitable elimination comes due. The daughters ask Dad for his opinion; he says he didn’t like the force with which Tammy defended her right to keep her name. The daughters toss out Sharon for consideration, and Dad counters with Nicole. The daughters like that Tammy was honest about her feelings, and they’re gunning for Sharon – they don’t think she’s mature enough to get married.

    In the end, though, Tammy will definitely get to keep her name. Because she’s eliminated. Everyone cries, the daughters talk about how much they like her (but not so much they won’t kick her to the curb), sappy music is played, love is gushed, puppies are born, babies are cooed over, and my blood sugar skyrockets by osmosis.

    Tammy says this was “the most precious experience of my life” and she will forever treasure it. Now, that does give me pause. Please. She spent a week in a rented house with a bunch of strangers competing for the Hair Club for Men poster boy. If that is the highlight of your life, it is time to get out of the house more. I bet she also thought high school was fun.

    After Tammy leaves, Marty chooses a woman for his “nightcap.” He picks Melanie, a blonde we haven’t seen much of. Alone – except for the daughters spying via TV – they toast to “true love” (I can’t even type that without the “Princess Bride” reference playing in my head) and he presents her with ---- a bowl of ketchup. Melanie proceeds to lick ketchup off the spoon in a provocative manner that draws giggles from the daughters and bug-eyes from Marty. But she still doesn’t get a goodnight kiss. She got gypped. By god, if I’m going to lick tomato paste seductively, I want something for it.

    The Foam Finger of Discord
    Ta da! It’s Marty’s birthday. What does this make him, 48? 49? Lucky for him that one chick who didn’t like old men is gone.

    The daughters and his harem have organized a surprise birthday party – as much of a surprise as a party can be, I suppose, when he knows it’s his birthday and he knows he’s filming a TV show that will use any angle it can get to create cheesy situations. He claims to actually be surprised, though, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

    For his birthday party, the daughters and producers have chosen the gift of ritual humiliation. First, the women each have to introduce themselves as Mrs. Okland, as if they’d just met a long-lost friend. They improvise to varying extents; most riff on how great Marty and the daughters are, although Sharon adds – with no proof whatsoever, thank goodness – that he’s “great in bed.”

    Continuing the games-that-are-even-worse-than-those-played-at-baby-showers, the group then moves on to a “point the finger” game. Each woman is given a big foam finger, of the sort waved by the people sitting directly in front of you at football games, and are directed to write on it the name of the woman they think should be eliminated. Would you like some hurt feelings and bitterness with that birthday cake?

    Sharon chooses Melanie. Marilyn picks Nicole because she knows her the least. Nicole goes with Sharon because she doesn’t see chemistry there.

    Melanie picks Marilyn because, she says, Marilyn seems uncomfortable.
    Stacy points the finger at Marilyn because “she doesn’t play real well with others” and has hurt some of the other women’s feelings.
    Suzanne also picks Marilyn because she says Marilyn has treated other people rudely.

    Hm, my notes are a bit sketchy right there. Perhaps that’s when the strange dude opened my door.

    Anyway, Marilyn feels ganged-up on, which is the usual feeling after one has been ganged up on by three people with enormous foam fingers.

    Put Him Back In the Cake!
    As happens every week, it’s time for the daughters to pick two women to perform a menial task, during which they will encounter Mr. Lie Detector Man. They ask Marty for his input, and he feels strongly that he’d like more time to get to know Marilyn – ignoring the fact that three different women said publicly that she was mean – and that Sharon is fun to be with. Marty also notes that he has absolutely no romantic feelings for Nicole. He leaves, expecting Nicole to be on the chopping block.

    But the daughters think they know best. They choose Sharon and Marilyn to help them wheel out an enormous fake cake, out of which – in a moment that could forever ruin for me the idea of sexy naked people jumping out of cakes – leaps Lie Detector Man. He points the polygraphic finger of doom at the two women and demands they come with him.

    Marty is pissed that they chose Marilyn. “My own daughters went against me,” he fumes in a shot seen dozens of times in the past week’s promos.

    For her part, Sharon is upset to be chosen for a second time. Her questions:
    Would she be mad at Dad if he bought her a household appliance for Valentine’s Day? She says yes, which is the truth. Amen, sistah! Men, please take note. An appliance is most emphatically NOT an appropriate gift. It is a purchase. An investment, if you will. Not something you buy as a present. (By the way, neither is a shower head. I speak from experience here.) My college roommate dumped a boyfriend who got her a CD rack for Valentine’s Day. My mother says she knew a particular man didn’t have romantic feelings for her when he gave her a cheese ball for Valentine’s. Cheese balls, CD racks, shower heads – they all send a message, gentlemen. And that message is, “if that’s my gift, you’re not getting laid tonight.”

    Ahem. PSA time is over. The next question is whether Sharon has made fun of the daughters this week. Didn’t they ask her that last week? Am I missing something, or are they just really paranoid? Anyway, Sharon says no. Lie.

    Would she marry their dad if he gained 50 pounds? She says yes. Truth.

    If her ex-boyfriend was single and proposed, would she say yes? She says no. Lie.

    Marilyn was surprised to be chosen. Her questions:
    Can the daughters go with them on the honeymoon? She says no. Truth.

    Will she try to change Marty if she marries him? She says no. Lie.

    Was she rude to the other women? She says no. Truth. (although I’d point out here, just because she didn’t think she was rude, doesn’t mean the other women didn’t.)

    Is she here to find true love? She says yes. Truth.

    With that over, it’s time to eliminate either Sharon or Marilyn. Marilyn wants to cry, and Sharon’s not ready to go.

    The girls say they hate doing this, blah blah blah, but they have to, blah blah.
    And…. Drumroll, please…. Sharon’s out. About time, if you ask me. “It was fate to me, and fate has let me down,” Sharon says. Um, I would think if she believes in fate, she would now accept she isn’t fated to be with this man. My understanding of fate is not that it just does what you want it to do.

    Anyway, Sharon says her tearful goodbyes, adding that of all the women, she’s the only one who hasn’t experienced marriage, and she feels rejected. I just refuse to comment further on the horrid sappy departure music, except to say that if I were trapped in an elevator with this stuff playing, I would claw my way out and fling myself down the shaft.

    A Shotgun Wedding. Without the Skeet
    After Sharon leaves, we’re in for an actual surprise. The doorbell rings yet again, and a strange little man enters. The daughters seemed to be expecting him, but Marty has never seen him before. He turns out to be a justice of the peace, and he’s there to inform them that this game won’t end with a cute little proposal, long-distance dating until the finale airs and then a breakup announced by the couple’s separate publicists. No, this one will end in an honest-to-god marriage, right then and there whenever Marty makes his final choice. Everyone who might have to take part in that wedding as either bride or groom is taken aback at the idea they might have to take this show’s premise seriously. “This is not April Fool’s, is it?” Marty asks. No, Marty, although that would be an appropriate date for your birthday.

    Next week:
    The remaining women go shopping for wedding dresses. Also, the claws seem to have come out (finally) and a good bit of backstabbing is promised.

    Sadly, here ends my run as this show’s recapper. I’m going on vacation, and the lovely, funny, exceptionally talented and freakishly limber Greenie will take you through to the end of this show. My parting gift to the rest of you is a word of advice: lock. Your. Doors. Because it’s only going to get cheesier from here.

    Point your foam finger at lucy@fansofrealitytv.com
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  2. #2
    FORT Fogey
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    Quote Originally Posted by lucy
    Anyway, Marilyn feels ganged-up on, which is the usual feeling after one has been ganged up on by three people with enormous foam fingers.
    My favorite line, among many other fantastic lines... Great job Lucy

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    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    "Would you like some hurt feelings with that birthday cake?" Just one of many favorite lines! Have a great vacation, Lucy, but will miss your wonderful recaps!!!!
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

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    FORT Fogey canadian_bunny's Avatar
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    Enjoyed your Recap. Have a great vacation, but be sure to watch the show!

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    FORT Fanatic Danger Bunny's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    Marty tells us he hasn’t been skeet shooting for years, although in the next breath he calls it “one of my favorite hobbies.”
    I don't like to nitpick... that's a lie, I love nitpicking...
    Botox-boy actually says he's been skeet shooting for a year.
    Last edited by Danger Bunny; 07-06-2004 at 01:17 PM. Reason: fix the end-quote

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    FORT Fan Livvy's Avatar
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    Absoultely loved the recap Lucy and will miss it next week! If I could cut and paste quotes, which I can't, I'd have to give you double kudos for the PSA announcement! Hellooooooooo.... why is that so hard to understand?
    Anyway, this show is lamer this season than last season but here I am watching it again.... I don't know who my favorite is yet, I can't seem to care. Too funny that they will actually have to get married! What ever happen to getting to know someone with an engagement period? I don't think that is a wise decision, NBC....

  7. #7
    Christian,Mom,Teacher mom2's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    I’m going to start off this week by telling you all a story.

    As I was sitting on my couch (well, futon) watching this show and furiously scribbling notes, a stranger opened my apartment door by mistake. He shut it again quickly and went on his way. Now, was I scared? Not really. I was mostly embarrassed. Because the cheesy lines of “Who Wants to Marry My Dad” were blaring on my TV. This stranger – who is probably a friend of my neighbor -- could have heard such gems as “Would you still love our dad if he gained 50 pounds?” and “It was fate to me, and fate has let me down.” No wonder he scuttled away. Even a burglar would have to have second thoughts about robbing someone with such taste in TV.

    But at least the dude at the door did not see that I was taking notes.

    Which I will now sort into a semi-cohesive narrative.

    I have locked the door.

    You Look Awful Purty With That Gun in Your Hand

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    Sadly, here ends my run as this show’s recapper. I’m going on vacation, and the lovely, funny, exceptionally talented and freakishly limber Greenie will take you through to the end of this show. My parting gift to the rest of you is a word of advice: lock. Your. Doors. Because it’s only going to get cheesier from here.

    Point your foam finger at lucy@fansofrealitytv.com
    I love this intro! Gave me a great chuckle and we hadn't even gotten to the cheesy show yet. I hope you enjoy your vacation, thanks for great recaps!
    "Quotes on the internet may not be accurate." - Abraham Lincoln

  8. #8
    FORT Fogey Muduh's Avatar
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    Lucy this one is as good as all the others. Have a good vacation and don't feel bad because you left your job half done. We'll be okay, really.
    I'm also wondering how you let the stranger just walk out. How could that be?

  9. #9
    Bachelor Addict berries's Avatar
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    Lucy, you really are absolutely THE BEST recap writer -- EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
    While you're on vacation, do you think you'll have some time to seriously think about writing professionally? As much as I love reading your recaps, I think you're SO talented that you should be getting paid big piles of money!

  10. #10
    FORT Fogey
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    She does write professionally berries

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