Meet My Folks Episode 2

Well, I don’t know what my problem is. I tuned in a few minutes late again. Just in time to hear Dad say “…Jessica’s not important to me”. I know I missed something rather crucial there, but I don’t know what

I’m not entirely sure where these guys come from. When I tune in there are already two guys in the house. The door bell rings and its our last guy. When Jessica answers the door, she welcomes him into the home and says “It’s so great to see you again”. I mention this only because I’d like some one to fill me in.

The potentials have been in the house for what seems to be about 5 minutes. The doorbell rings, and I realize that the show really does have a format that will be followed each week. This will work great for all the episodes that were filmed prior to the first airing. These guys are all always going to be surprised each step of the way. Someone is going to have to shake things up for this show to last though.

So, here’s how it works.
1. The guys arrive
2. They have five minutes to impress the folks
3. Special delivery of “Dirty Little Secrets”
4. 1st dinner. Potentials must do “something” interesting to avoid more secrets being told.
5. At night, alone with daughter. Parents can spy if they wish
6. Early wake up
7. Breakfast with the Exes
8. The dates
9. Show and Tell
10. The videos secrets
11. First must go
12. Lie detector
13. The date gets picked

So the guys have arrived…. Missed all but one’s arrival. It’s Camron. He’s cocky; he’s sure he’ll win and although that turns me off, he keeps flashing a really great smile and I find myself thinking *Oh, he’s kind of cute isn’t he*? Somebody smack me. I’m 35 years old. I’ve seen that smile before, I know what the score is. But gee, his eyes kind of drop when that smile flashes… he is[/] kind of cute. SMACK. ME. NOW.

Here are the guys. They are lined up on bar stools in front of Jessica “the prize date”, her parents and her little brother and sister. This scene demonstrates to me why it is so important for either my hubby or I to go get fixed….soon…. her brother and sister are little crumb snatchin’, pamper wearing, sticky fingered, dirty faced INFANTS! I mention that as it’s important later

BRRRRNNNGGGG: It’s the doorbell and it sure as heck isn’t Avon calling. It’s time for your dirty little secrets guys. What will we learn today?

Camron…Well, well, well, seems like his smile is the only bright thing about this guy. His GPA in high school was a 1.3 and he dropped out of college after 4 semesters… sorry…4 weeks….no, no I mean 4 DAYS! He’s still smiling Dad’s not impressed.

Shane… He doesn’t look like a Shane to me turns out while living in Texas he got himself some parking tickets. Woo hoo, that’s’ not really a dirty little secret is it? Oh, here it is. He tried to pay them, along with some other bills, with checks form an account that had been closed three years. He’s grinning Dad is not impressed

Anthony... This guy was a male stripper. Unless you listen to him, in which case he was a “dancer” . Say’s it was a way to make money, since he’s a good dancer and has a decent body. If he has one I’m wondering why he didn’t bring it with him he’s still in good spirits Dad is not impressed.

The guys head upstairs to unpack and get ready for dinner. Mom and dad talk in the kitchen. Ever seen those fabric softener commercials with that stupid bear? There’s one with a porcupine who says “I’m snuggly soft”. The lame ass bear laughs at him. I like that porcupine, but the bear, nah…. I’m not impressed. Dad is the porcupine. Mom is the bear.

The guys are getting ready when they hear a weird noise… it’s Just the FAX ma’am. Here’s what these poor saps have to do at dinner. They each have a question that they need to find the answer to before dinner is over. If they fail another dirty little secret will be revealed. They are told what the secrets will be. Here are the questions:
1) How old was Mom when she lost her virginity
2) How often do Mom and Dad have sex each week
3) Where is the strangest place they have ever had sex

I’m already laughing. These guys just got here. Dad is never impressed, and they have to find out the answers to these questions? OMG

The only thing that keeps me from is that I know the parents will be told that the guys HAD to ask… of course they didn’t really HAVE too did they Hmmmm, only to save their own skins.

Dinner: Everyone is talking and Shane (I believe, but ya know what, it could have been Anthony) casually asks where the Mom and Dad met. It turns out it was a restaurant, logically the next question should be: “Have you guys ever had sex there”. Oh Dad’s eyes, they are so very intense. I’m waiting for the laser beams to come shooting out. I fully expect to see Anthony as nothing but a pile of ashes. Mom sort of stutters “,,uh..what??” Anthony pushes on.. “…ya know, where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever done it” ….

Guy’s this is really funny stuff, and I have to say I need to hand over recap privileges to someone who can do these scenes justice.

The daughter is already mortified, add to that the fact that she now knows her parents are members of the mile high club, and I believe she is scarred for life. She actually leaves the table. Well, poor Shanthony . The other guys are watching as he goes down in flames. I’m sure I hear them thinking that the little secrets about to be shared about them, just aren’t that bad. Shanthony aperantly misunderstood the directions of the game. Each guy had to ask ONE question. Shanthony, seeing that the other two can’t do it, marches on. “So how often do you guys do it a week”
Mom: “Well, I think that’s a little too personal” turns to Dad “Don’t you honey” (Mom, just to let you know, Dad thought telling him where you met was too personal)
“So” Shanthony says “you got married at 18? Hmmm, were you a virgin on your wedding night” I honestly can’t believe this guy.

I figured out that it is Anthony. You have to know that the secret that would have been revealed about him is that … drum roll please…. “He got a D in tennis, the only one is his class” Holy crap. That’s it? Yep, that’s it!

RRPPPTTTUUUURRRPPP A FAX Yes It was Anthony asking all the questions, as we are about to learn a little something about Shane and Camron.
Shane pretended to be gay to get a job….
Camron got his friend so drunk he’d pass out. Then slept with his friends sister
Somehow these secrets seem a little unbalanced.

Mom and Dad off to bed. Daughter and guys out to the TRAMPoline. Daughter jumps and twists and kicks and jumps. The guys get to watch WAKE UP she’s going to let them jump and whichever one has the best “routine” gets to give her a massage! Now these guys don’t have the benefit of seeing the first episode. They don’t know what’s about to happen. But I do, and I laugh…mwuhahahahahaha

FAX to Mom and Dad “It’s totally up to you, but if you’d like to check in on Jessica turn on your TV”. Hmmmm is there a dad out there that would say “Nah”? He tunes in for the greasy, nasty “massage”. He’s out of bed in a flash with mom in the background yelling “Be nice, remember, you were young once too…”
“What the HELL are you guys doing?”
“It’s just a game dad giggle giggle”
Needles to say the game got called on account of pissed off dad.

5:30 Saturday morning. Remember those darling toddlers I mentioned? Mom walks them into the guys room.
“Can you guys watch them while we get some more sleep?”
The little girl seems pretty happy, but it is obvious that they woke up the little boy to be used as a pawn. He’s tired. He’s cranky, he’s crying his little butt off.
I have to give the guys credit here. They did a good job! They played dress-up, they played airplane, they really looked like they had fun….with the girl. The little boy was miserable. I actually felt bad for all the guys in the house at this point.

It’s time for Breakfast With The Ex’s! Oh the joy. More secrets revealed!!!
Anthony ~ He’s sweet, but he smokes.
Woo hoo. Big Deal.
Camron ~ He’s a really cool guy, but he cheated on her.
Well, that was a little better.
Shane ~ Never paid for the dates
I’m disappointed in an “I’m evil” sort of way… BUT wait… there is more for Shane:
“He doesn’t know how to please a woman, kind of a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of guy”
OH crap!

THE DATES:
Anthony takes her to the park. They paddle boat for about an hour, and have a total of 10 minutes worth of conversation. She’s not thrilled.

Camron, who works as a salesman/manager of a skate and snowboard shop, decides to teach her how to skate board. She had fun on this date that took place on the sidewalk in front of her house. They kiss, and you can tell she digs him.

Shane takes her to an indoor wall-climbing place. She tells him this is the best date so far. I believe her until it comes time for the kiss. She puts her cheek out and lets him kiss her. No passion. You can tell she still digs Camron.

It’s dinner time again. Dad decodes to let these guys spill any other secrets they may have. Anthony and Shane wisely decline. Camron thinks this is a great idea. He regales in telling us a tale he calls “Las Vegas, A Girl, And a Shower Cap”. I’ll spare you any details. Only because he didn’t offer any. He wanted safe sex, thinks a shower cap was a good idea.

SHOW AND TELL
Dad shows up wearing a shower cap. I, for some reason, think this is very funny.
Camron shows everyone hand made birthday cards he received form his little brother and sister. This scores some points all around.
Anthony shows us “his” teddy bear. I’m pretty sure it stil has the price tag on it.
Shane sings. It was “Amazing Grace”. It was his grandpa’s dying wish to have Shane sing it at his funeral. Thank God he doesn’t sound awful. He scored points too.

THE VIDEOS
OMG. I’m interested about this. The videos all have friends of the potentials spilling secrets. Why would friends do this? Especially Anthony’s friend who informs us that when Anthony gets drunk, which is often, he tends to wake up in the middle of the night, and pee on who ever is close to him. No need to re-read. You read it right. HE PEES on whoever is close to him

Shane flirts with women at bars, and when they excuse themselves to pee (in the bathroom, thank God) He drinks their drinks.

Camron’s boss tells us that he (Camron) likes to flirt with the Moms of customers that come into the shop and has slept with a number of them.

FAX

Choose one man to go. You have 15 minutes.
What have we learned?
Anthony Strips, smokes and pees on people.
Camron is dumber than a rock, cheats on his girlfriends, and seduces older women where he works
Shane forged checks, pretended to be gay, and drinks women’s drinks while they’re not looking.

Geez o flip I feel for these parents.
They choose Shane to leave. Buh-bye

THE TEST
Yes, this is where it gets exciting… it’s the test!
What? Huh? Dad has decided to see which one can change a tire fastest? He’s called his neighbors to come with lawn chairs? This is the test?
Well, it’s a test…..

Camron wins. It’s nice to know that if they ever have a flat he could change a tire FASTER. Did anyone bother to see if it was on TIGHT? This is the guy who used a shower cap as a condom!!!

THE REAL TEST

The guys are happy. They think it’s over. Dad wants to show them his storm cellar..
SLLLLOOOOWWWWW MMMMOOOOTTTTIIIIOOOONNNNN down the steps to… the LIE DETECTOR test.

Anthony goes first. Camron has to wait upstairs.
Dad asks all the questions.

Do you like me? YES ~ TRUE
Do you like my wife’s cooking? YES ~ LIE
Did you flirt w/ my wife this weekend? YES ~ TRUE
Would you have helped around here so much this weekend, if a vacations were’nt at stake? YES ~ LIE
Have you peed on more than one person when drunk? YES ~ TRUE
Have you ever danced Nude? NO ~ LIE
If you’re chosen will you give up the smokes for the week of the vacation? YES ~ TRUE
Will you try to have sex with my daughter while in Hawaii? NO ~ LIE

Camrons turn:
Do you care about my daughter? YES ~ TRUE
Do you like my wife’s cooking? YES ~ TRUE
Did you purposely get a friend drunk so you could have sex with his sis? NO ~ LIE
Do you respect my wife and me? YES ~ TRUE
Have you slept with the moms of customers where you work? NO ~ LIE
Will you try to have sex with my daughter? NO ~ LIE

They both bat .500

It’s time to choose. They ask Jessica which guy she likes. She tells them Camron.
Mom and Dad confer and decide to send their precious baby off with the a$$ kissing, nude dancing, flirting with the mom, smoking guy who pees on people. Jessica bring the rubber (sheets) your going to Hawaii with Anthony!

Tune in next time to see Drill Sergeant dad and the wannabees.