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Thread: Boobs and Math do not mix well - MMF Recap, the Figgs

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    Boobs and Math do not mix well - MMF Recap, the Figgs

    Episode 6 Recap
    Meet My Folks Episode 6 – The Figgs by LG and Cali
    Boobs and Math do not mix well.

    Because of our overwhelming response to last week's collaboration, Cali and LG are collaborating again on this week's recap. Ok, we know you read it as we have stats, even if you don't want to post a response. This week's episode features a twist because instead of three men vying for a date with a daughter of her parents' choosing, we have three women competing for a date with a son while Mom and Dad smirk and giggle and thank their lucky stars that they have a son, even though they are a little disappointed that they've raised such an inconsiderate boob. That's ok, because it looks like boobs are the theme of the weekend at the Figgs house.

    First we meet Lisa, a waitress, who is the only non-boob of all four young people on the show this week. Lisa is more nervous to meet Dad than Mom as she usually connects with mothers of her boyfriends. This time is no exception as she impresses Mom immediately. Josh sniffs up his nose a little, hoping to get some better offers soon. Lisa has no idea how truly long this weekend will be for her, as the sole non-boob in the contestant pool. Thankfully this is a taped episode rather than a live show and Lisa isn't still trapped with this people or Cali and LG would have to call in a rescue team to airlift her out of the Valley of the Airheads.

    Next we meet Jamie, an actress with fake red hair and, well big boobs. She didn't have much to say to Mom and Dad and they reserved judgment, but not for long. At 24 Jamie is the oldest of the contestants, but that is not readily apparent from the perceived maturity levels. The old method of calculating IQ was to take the test score which indicated the person's mental age and divide by their biological age. They have since indexed the test, but for the sake of argument let's think about this formula. Thus, a 12 year old who scored at the age 12 level would have an IQ of 100 (12/12 = 100%), a 12 year old scoring at the age 15 level an IQ of 125 (15/12=125%), and a 12 year old scoring at the age 10 level an IQ of 83.3% (10/12=83.3%). The test would cut off at adulthood, but for sake of demonstration let's just imagine what Jamie's IQ score would be given the maturity she displayed. Ok, just by sticking with us through this paragraph demonstrates that you've got greater math skills than 2/3 of the contestants in this episode.

    Making a dramatic entrance is super perky blond (and must we say, big boobed) Carrie, who can hardly make it in the door of the house with all her luggage. Dad even commented on her luggage, but wait until Dad gets a chance to find out about some of her baggage, as Dad with his better paying job and manly biceps is probably of more interest to Carrie than Josh. Here's a joke about Carrie that got editing out of the show. Carrie's neighbor was out cutting his grass. Carrie ran out, opened her mailbox and slammed it shut and ran back in the house. Ten minutes later, same thing. Ten minutes after that, she opens her mailbox again, screams at the top of lungs "So where the hell is it then?!?!?!" and slams the mailbox shut. The lawn mowing neighbor was by then edging his yard and asked what was wrong. Carrie replied "my computer keeps telling me 'you've got mail' but it isn't in here."

    Dad is a little shocked by how artificial Jamie and Carrie look, and wasn't as impressed with Lisa's sincerity as Mom was, and Dad confides that he's looking forward for the chance to flirt with them. Dad then labels them: "Miss Bimbo, the Bimboette, and Bimbo Wannabe." We're not making this up, he actually said that. LG is thinking Dad isn't taking any of this too seriously. Cali is thinking Dad has them nailed. With the exception of Lisa, these contestants are completely vacuous and Josh is no prize himself. He can hardly wipe the drool away from his mouth long enough to talk to the ladies. He looks like the spoiled kid on Christmas morning, asking his parents, "Are they all mine to play with? Cool. I'm going to take them to my room now." Oh Joshy, you're such a boob.

    First round of Dirty Little Secrets, we find out that Lisa served steak with onions to rude customer who was allergic to onions and he had a serious reaction. Mom and Dad weren't thrilled with how cavalierly Lisa dismissed this potentially life threatening mistake. I'm picturing a later conversation with Lisa: "One time, at band camp, I poisoned someone, but I didn't really mean it. Yeah, it was ok though, because he didn't die, and he was rude to me, you know?" Um, ok. If you are the best this show has to offer these parents (and unfortunately, Lisa is) then Josh's parents are between a rock and a hard place. Or rather, between silicon and saline, but as this isn't Big Brother 3 we won't have a half and hour discussion about the pros and cons of saline vs. silicon. Josh isn't interested in finding someone nice, someone he can have an intelligent relationship with or have a future with. Josh is interested in BOOBS, and lucky for him there are plenty to go around.

    Carrie's dirty little secret is that she had 4 boyfriends at one time, because she's "young." Was she really so young that she couldn't count to 4 and didn't know it was too many boyfriends to have? LG's 2 year old daughter counts to 4 with incredible accuracy, but then again LG's 2 year old is probably scoring with a higher reading comprehension score than Carrie already, so I guess maybe advanced math such as 1+1+1+1=4 is too much to expect from this bimbo.

    We also find out that Jamie purposely overcharged customers for drinks and cigarettes that she gave to her friends. Her justification was that the customers were drunk and she didn't think they'd notice. Also she was concerned that they wouldn't give her a big enough tip, so just to insure that she got her just compensation, she committed fraud by overcharging their bills. Mom mentioned that she was wondering if things in the house would be safe. I don't know that Jamie is a kleptomaniac, but it's a certainty that Carrie isn't because she wouldn't know how to spell it.

    Tension Dinner Tasks One of the most uncomfortable segments for us to watch, we are once again "treated" with the opportunity to watch the singles make complete fools of themselves at dinner to try to avoid having a secret revealed. Lisa needs to feed Dad twice. Jamie needs to touch Dad's bicep and compliment it's size twice, and Carrie needs to give Dad a backrub twice. In this attempt, all three ladies manage to embarrass themselves attempting their tasks, but only Lisa succeeds in completing the task TWICE as required. Higher math comes into play once again as Jamie and Carrie are "like totally bummed" that their single attempts at their tasks did not satisfy the "twice" requirement. Say it with me ladies: "1+1=2" There, next week we'll work on counting to three, and by the end of the month Carrie will no longer accidentally be dating 4 men simultaneously. Despite their piss poor math skills Jamie and Carrie don’t realize that they do not have time to complete two tasks and jump all over Dad at the end of dinner to try to complement his biceps and give him a massage, and he's diggin' it. Mom's response: "That's kind of brazen hussy of them!" You go Mom. Several rather unimpressive secrets are revealed and we're left wondering once again why the heck the goofy tasks are worth the embarrassment to preclude the disclosure of this non-information. Maybe they are confused and think they're on The Mole and are hoping that Anderson had told them $30,000 was riding on this challenge. The scoop – Carrie had slept with a married man. Sorry, it's mean of us to assume, but that's no shocker. Jamie has entered over 50 wet t-shirt contests. Mom's response: "if you paid for them, why not I guess."

    Later that night, Josh and the ladies are in the hot tub. Josh wanted some kissing, so Jamie and Carrie kissed each other, Carrie was the most aggressive and kissed Josh. Josh then gets "creative" and asks the girls to line up in front of him and flash him all at the same time. That's enough for Dad, who is watching on the tv in the house. Dad runs out in the yard and scolds Josh "Be a gentleman, Josh!" This is where we are shown exactly why it is that Josh still lives at home. He turns to the six hooters and hangs his head “I just got in trouble”. Poor poor pitiful Josh. Lisa at least seemed relieved, but surprisingly she looked like she was willing to do it just to fit in a stay in the competition (besides being the only "amateur" in the contest as the other too look like they've had professional enhancements to their best assets). I reiterate, Josh is a boob.

    One on One dates with Josh. Oh joy, the singles now each get a short date with Josh, our big prize of the episode. Lisa and Josh go biking in the park. She's talking and talking. Said she felt like Josh looked through her like she's invisible. Lisa is truly seeing what is going on here, as she states: "Josh isn't interested in romance, he's interested in boobs." Alrighty then.

    Jamie and Josh have a picnic in a bamboo forest. Josh thinks they "clicked" cuddling on a blanket in the orchard. There was not so much talking, but plenty of kissing. Joshy is happy.

    Carrie and Josh head to a Spa for their date and get massages. She was "very forward and flirtatious" during the mud bath. More kissing ensues. From that moment on, Josh is on a mission. He must convince his parents to ditch Lisa at the first available moment, as she's clearly not his type, which is the kissable big booby type. Josh lobbies his parents long and hard and they roll their eyes, realizing that they've raised a son who is a walking hormone. But because this is a son and not a daughter, they giggle and laugh it off. The is the only episode of this series so far which doesn't feature any type of home-spun challenge by the parents in which the contestants must try to impress Mom and Dad, who are clearly not impressed with the ladies their son fancies. Mom and Dad are just sitting back, laughing, wondering where they went wrong as parents.

    Saturday night dinner with the Exes. Lisa's ex, Jeff remarks that she talks to damn much. You won't be getting much sex with Lisa. Josh's already abysmal opinion of Lisa drops off the charts, as frequent sex is the only thing in life better than big boobs, which is only slightly better than having some one actually flash you in a hot tub, even Lisa, as then he’d get to see some real life boobies!. Jamie's ex reveals that she frequently farts during sex. Josh mentally surveys the snorkeling equipment that he has packed for Hawaii, remembers that he packed a nose plug, and feels he's good to go with Jamie, as no nasty sex-induced farts will penetrate that nose plug. Carrie's ex revealed that she cheated on him with 2 guys, and always got makeup all over his shirt whenever she'd hug him. Carrie had such a vacuous look on her face I wondered whether she recognized him right off or if he had to re-introduce himself to her and point out his spot on her scorecard. Mom and Dad are very interested in what this talkative ex has to say, so he goes on to explain that Carrie's a gold-digger out in LA looking for her next sugar daddy. She had some 60 year old man who took her on $50,000 shopping sprees. Carrie's response, well he wasn't 60, he was 51. Either that or she is confused and thinking of a different sugar daddy. Higher math is causing problems for poor Carrie once again, as either 51 or 60 is significantly older than her current age of 22. (Math note to Carrie, with a difference of either 29 or 38 years, either of these age differences are greater than your own age, and thus way to damn old for you!). In any event, Carrie wears too much makeup, and that could make things messy for Josh in Hawaii as he doesn't like having to do laundry himself, or really, anything that would detract from his ability to look at boobs and have sex all day.

    Videotapes – Secrets will be revealed. Lisa broke up with live-in lover when she met someone new on a trip. She left him with bills. Jamie got fired from her job at a clothing store after hours on the phone with her boyfriend having phone sex. Next we have Carries friend, she’s an interesting boobie specimen herself. She started the video segment with a bit that also got edited. Her friend tells everyone that she and Carrie were in town last week and they walked into a building. Both were surprised that neither of them saw it. Her friend goes on to tell us that Carrie looks for a guy who is already in a committed relationship to start one. She likes the challenge and explains: "If you want something, go for it." Hmmm, once again I get the sneaking suspicion that Carrie's flirtations are directed more at Dad than at Josh, as he's a lowly account manager who isn't even in a relationship already, so how interesting could that be for Carrie?

    Mom and Dad get the fax stating they must eliminate one now. Josh pleads his case that he has absolutely no chemistry with Lisa, largely because he never gave her a chance. Carrie and Jamie are "dumb as a post" Dad retorts, and Dad tells Josh: "you need to cool your jets, Josh." Because Mom isn't completely unconscious and saw all of Carrie's flirtations aimed directly at Dad, Carrie packs up her 85 pounds of luggage and heads out the door. Dad's comment: "Carrie had the least in common with Josh, had no future together." Carrie's well reasoned retort: "It's always hard to impress the parents when you're blonde." Um, ok, whatever you want to believe, Carrie, but I think it is even harder to impress parents when you're a totally superficial person who isn't even sharp enough to conceal it.

    As soon as this choice is made Josh is in a complete panic. Josh has better math skills than Carrie and now realizes that his odd of ending up in Hawaii with Lisa have increased from 33.3% to 50%. Maybe he can teach remedial math class to some of his future dates. Josh vacillates between logical reasoning and toddler whining and pleading (again proving why he is still living with mommy and daddy, he has the maturity level of a 4 year old) in his attempt to lobby his parents to pick Jamie over Lisa. Mom acknowledges privately to Dad: "The long term isn't important to him right now." Dad's response: "Are you willing to send him out with Silicon Sally off to Hawaii?" Only the test will reveal for certain.

    Lie Detector Tests

    Lisa – did you like the cooking – yes –ok
    Have you ever cheated – no – lie
    Have you lied to Josh – no – lie
    Would you be faithful to josh – yes – lie
    If I send you to Hawaii, will you try to sleep with him – no – OK (NOTE – 1st Contestant EVER to honestly say they wouldn't try to sleep with the son or daughter in Hawaii)
    Are you pretending to care just to win a trip - no – lie

    Jamie – did you flirt with Dad – yes – ok
    Have you lied to my son – no – lie
    When working at the clothing store, did you have phone sex at work – no – lie
    Did you purposely fart in front of your ex – yes – ok
    If I send you to Hawaii, will you try to sleep with him – No – lie
    (Parents laughing!!!)
    Are you pretending to care about Josh to win a trip to Hawaii – no – OK!!!

    Josh is shown getting the butterflies in his stomach, as he's that worried that parents were picking Lisa. The parents recognized that, much to their disappointment, there is no spark with Lisa and she's only being polite to win the trip, so Jamie's going to Hawaii. Josh is thrilled and thinks that he has managed to sway his parents opinion with his persuasive reasoning skills. Don't quit your day job to join the debate team just yet, Josh, as your parents were swayed more with Lisa's complete lack of interest in your big stupid head than anything you or Jamie had to say. Oh, and Josh, you don't need to pack your water wings for snorkeling in Hawaii, as I hear that those big boobs make great flotation devices.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    I love this recap!
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

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