Episode 4 recap
Collaboration between Cali and LG

The Prison Guard, The Speeder, The Jock Strap Model and Eddie Haskel

Yes, I knew it would happen eventually. I, Cali, would actually see this show from beginning to end. I wish I hadn’t, as I now know they have a theme song! It's as unremarkable as many of the contestants on this show. Because of our collective inability to ever catch the whole episode (due in part to NBC's hit and miss scheduling), I've collaborated with LG for this recap. All of the good jokes are mine, and the lame ones are LG's.
Just for the record... LG wrote that part in, truth be told I wanted to leave it like that, but my conscience wouldn't let me.... Chances are , if you're smiling I wrote the funny line, if you're laughing out loud, it came from the wonderfully imaginative mind of LG.
I bow my head to her wit.


The DOTS: (This week we will refer to the Hotties at DOTS… Dorks Of This Show)
First we have CJ. He’s a viral and chemical researcher. Sounds impressive, until you remember that Homer Simpson is a nuclear power safety engineer, and then you remember, the Simpsons are a cartoon. It sounds impressive to Mom and Dad so that’s a thumps up
Next we have Chris. He’s the self proclaimed Eddie Haskel of this bunch. I guess that description will work for him as I despised Eddie Haskel, and already I am not at all fond of Chris. He's a Harry Connick, Jr. lookalike with a Texas sized ego. He proclaims himself the narrator of the show and gives a play-by-play account of the action referring to himself in the third person singular. Hey, that's our job. We already have two recappers on the job for this episode we do not need your help, Mr. Know-It All. Chris proclaims: "Chris is gonna win. Chris is going to Hawaii."

Last but not least.. well, maybe least, the show just started. We have James. He’s a substitute Teacher. Originally from New York, but he’s living in LA now. I like him. He has that Hot latin look I tend to drool over. Add the fact that we share a “career”, hey, he’s my number one pick. Two Thumbs Up. LG here, Cali and I usually have similar tastes in men, such as no blondes unless it's Kiefer Sutherland, and if we ever did get ahold of Kiefer Sutherland well, this is a family site so we'll leave that to your imagination. While James is rather hot, I think he exudes an arrogance which is really rare among school teachers. Nothing in particular, just a way about him that conveys that "he's better than Dad and Mom and is bored with the weekend already", not a "somebody tie this idiot down and duct tape his mouth shut" aura like Chris.

Dad is a prison guard, or a "correctional officer" in PC-speak. Ever since Cool Hand Luke it doesn't matter what you call them, intelligent young men in a position to annoy a prison guard should be justifiably scared, in the event that they have a "failure to communicate." I have a feeling these guys are remembering every episode of OZ they have ever seen. Since I have never seen OZ I’m picturing Andy Griffith re-runs, only Dad doesn't seem to have Andy's otherworldly tolerance for the DOTS goofy antics, like CJ getting falling down drunk while playing. We'll see if any of the DOTS are singing the theme song in a nice falsetto by the end of the show.

Mom lets us, and the DOTS know that she and her husband DO NOT drink (Remember this), but that daughter CHLOE drinks occasionally. There are to be NO DRUGS done this weekend, but if they would like a little drink that will be ok.

Ding Dong, wait, I’m getting lost in the recap… am I talking about Chris' running monologue about how he's going to win the show right now? Oh, no it’s the door bell.

Here come the dirty little secrets.

James, my buddy, my pal, my career soul mate, received 4 speeding tickets in the past 8 months. [LG, sits quietly in the corner of the recap, hoping to finish out the next couple of months without a ticket so she doesn't have to appear in traffic court for having 3 in a 12 month period.]

CJ was a model for a while.
An Internet model.
A Jock Strap Internet model.
Now, I guess these things have to be modeled. After all how are guys going to know how something is going to look if they can’t see it on someone? Some with a pair of sweat socks in the pants, or else Chloe is really overlooking CJ's "potential" as a future date.
For some reason, even though CJ is not modeling Manties or anything in a sexy fishnet pattern, Mom decides he must be gay (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). CJ, read her expression perfectly as he announces that he’s strait. Me thinks he doth protest too much (especially because there isn't anything wrong with that).

Chris is sure he has it made. What could be worse than a speeder or a model after all?
As parents of young daughters, we'll tell you what could be worse. Someone who has a tattoo that reads TRUST NO WOMAN running down his back.
Yeah like that would happen.
Well, it did, That is exactly what Chris has on his back. Of course it is important to note that we never would have known what it meant if he hadn’t have been stupid enough to tell us. It is written in some Asian Script. I guess there were some people watching last night who could have read it, and maybe Chris thought they could call in during this taped show or something. I have a strange feeling that anyone in the viewing audience who could actually read his tattoo are still laughing because it actually says “I AM A COMPLETE ASS”.

Dad hates them all. We feel for you Dad. These aren't fine upstanding citizens like you get to see everyday in your work as a prison guard. Oh, wait, maybe he'll lighten up a little. Let's let Dad sleep on it.

Chris is playing the game beyond belief. He continually tells us how “Chris is playing the game” “Chris is going to Hawaii” “Chris trusts no women” Whatever you big Dork Stop talking about yourself in the Third person. No one really likes that. It makes everyone think you are an ass. There’s a saying ya know. “Better have people think you’re an ass than to speak and remove all doubt”. I’m pretty sure the saying uses the term idiot, but it will do.

The DOTS and the Dame all play pool. She is very good. They are terrible pool players. Chris finds the liquor cabinet belonging to the non-drinkers. I count 17 bottles of different wines and liquors. The kids decide to play a pool/drinking game. CJ plays this as well as I, cali, play that game played on the checkerboard with little horsies and pieces with pointy hats. CJ gets hammered much to Chris’ delight. Chris takes a great deal of delight in watching the other DOTS embarrass themselves. What an ass.

Chloe is really digging Chris now and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. He is not attractive, smart or funny. They must live in Bizzaro world. Now I'm beginning to understand. She is attracted to Chris because he is such an ass, and this annoys her parents to no end. Now we see why any parents of a young woman would agree to go on this show – to torture their daughter by picking someone they like instead of someone their daughter likes. That, and the opportunity to get recapped by folks on the internet, which should be incentive enough.

At 3:30 am our wonderful DOTS stumble into bed. At 5:30 am our wonderful prison guard wakes them up for a fishing trip. (I knew this was more like Andy Griffith than Oz). They all actually stand up for a minute, then we get a shot of Chris getting back into bed hugging his toothpaste and tooth brush. How pathetic. James as a teacher is used to getting up early, right? No chance, these wimps are all whining like little babies. LG just wanted to point out that this is later than she wakes up 5 days a week for work, cry me a river you little babies.

Armani came by to dress CJ for his fishing trip. Black leather jacket, turtle neck sweater and jeans. Dad finds this pretty funny. To anyone who has ever had to introduce a non-fishing date (or in LG's case husband) to her fishing-obsessed father, this scene was hilarious. There are two types of guys, outdoorsy types, and the others. Despite all the chatter on the internet about how all reality tv contestants are professional media-whores who just go from show to show, we can assure you that none of this week's DOTS were contestants on Fox' Bachelorettes In Alaska earlier this summer, as none of those men would whine about waking up early to fish, and they sure as heck wouldn't dress like that to get covered in fish slime and worm poop.

In his attempts to make the other DOTS look foolish, somehow Chris convinces CJ that the worms can bite and are poisonous. CJ is freaking out as the worms wiggle and stretch their heads around to bite him. Wait, let me check the beginning of the recap… Yes, CJ is our viral and chemical researcher… hmmmmm… I guess I won’t be asking him about this mosquito bite on my arm after all. CJ is crying and fleeing from the supposedly poisonous biting worms whom he claims he has angered by trying to stab them with his hook. If there had been a kitchen table handy, I have no doubts that CJ would have been up on top of it, pulling up his apron stamping his feet while yelling "EEEEEEKKKKKK!" (not that there is anything wrong with that). At the end of the day Chris is the only DOTS with a fish and they set him free as it looks like they are eating Johnsonville Sausages tonight instead of a fish-fry.

While CJ is running from the attack of the 1 inch worm, James is getting himself completely tangled up in fishing line. I feel sorry for him, because I remember that time I went fishing with my dad and got all tangled up… of course I was 5. We're all relieved that it wasn't a kite-flying contest or James could have been lost forever to Charlie Brown's kite-eating tree.

FIRST DATE:
Chloe and CJ:
Picnic and pigskin.
CJ tells us that he is going to go for it and really impress Chloe. He does this by first throwing a football directly at her face, then showing everyone his “touchdown victory dance”

Picture a 7 year old from your neighborhood. Now pretend he is extremely immature. He holds the football behind his back. He squats. He makes an obscene grunting noise and ‘poops’ the football onto the grass.

You’ve just witnessed the impressive side of CJ.

Meanwhile Chris is smoozing mom. He’s letting her cut and color his hair. He’s sitting under the beauty shop gossip dryer when Dad comes in to laugh at him. James thinks maybe this is his chance so he asks Chris if he’d like a nail file. It may have worked out for James, but Chris DID want one (not that there is anything wrong with that, oh wait, this is the wrong guy?), so James' attempt to be the evil-narrator DOTS sort of fell flat.

SECOND DATE:

James and Chloe:
They go on a date to the backyard Tire Swing. I crap you not. Is their house actually on prison grounds that these people can't leave the yard for a date without running into dangerous felons on the way?

Chris’ date will have to wait as it is time for Show and Tell.

CJ brought a newspaper clipping thing with a picture of him volunteering at the hospital. He visits old people and little kids. Mom is diggin’ it. Dad is thinkin’ it’s pretty cool.
Then we find out he dresses up like Raggedy Ann (Not that there’s anything wrong with that). He insists it’s Raggedy ANDY, but we’re not stupid…..

Chris, Chris, Chris, what the hell were you thinking dude? He brings all his Oakland Raiders football crap. He’s a fanatic. He goes to all the fan stuff they have. He’s a self proclaimed Raiderette (not that there’s anything… hey, this is the wrong guy… what’s going on?) Well it's a good thing that Chris "came out" to the Folks about his Raider devotion as that would surely be revealed in one of the "dirty secrets" gimmicks as something that would make a parent not let their daughter date you. Of course this was Chris' golden opportunity to impress the Folks with something from his life. Eddie Haskel is very disappointed with his pathetic protégé, as he really dropped the football on this play.

James brings a bar of soap and a matchbox car. No-one understands why, not even James that he can explain coherently. Looks like James is someone who shops for vacation gifts when he's in the airport back in his hometown before coming into the house because he knows he should have brought something but didn't get around to it while on his trip.
I’m not sure how this guy started at the top and so quickly fell to…. Well wait, he’s not gay and he’s not Chris, so I guess soap or no soap he’s still #1 to me.

Oh, look the VIDEOS have arrived.

CJ ~ It’s his ex girlfriend. She informs us that CJ broke up with her by telling her that he was……. Drum roll please… GAY (not that there’s anything wrong with that, unless of course you're his GIRLFRIEND)

Chris ~ It’s his sister. She thinks it is important for all potentials to know that Chris likes to video tape his sexual escapades withOUT the woman participant knowing. He really is a born politician as this guy can spin ANYTHING! He even swears on his moms grave that he doesn’t do that. Chloes mom informs him that his mom is STILL ALIVE! He then says “Chris has nothing to say now”. Thank God he's quiet for once, but did we have to find out that about him to get him to shut the heck up for a couple minutes?

James ~ It’s his house sitting buddy. We all need a friend like this. One who snoops through your house then video tapes the dirt he finds and sends it in for all of us to see. James’ buddy shows us what he has collected from under James’ bed and from the console of his car….. About 600 condoms. James tells us that he volunteers for planned parenthood. No-one's really buying it. Maybe they were gifts that he had picked up for other at the airport while returning from trips but never got around to giving to the intended recipients. My feeling is they can be pretty sure Chloe won’t be getting pregnant or bringing home any STD’s from Hawaii.


THIRD DATE:
Chloe and CHRIS.
He’s so sleazy and dorky. She digs him so much.
Oh God, it’s POETRY!!! Cali is a teacher. LG was an English major in college. The loud gagging sound you heard across two time zones last night was both of our illustrious recappers losing dinner in unison after hearing what passes for poetry and, most revolting of all, that Chloe digs it and proceeds to KISS CHRIS.

Chloe you’re number one
Shine as brightly as the sun
I’m so goshdarned wonderful
Over your eyes the wool I shall pull
Chris is clever
Chris is grand
If Chris doesn’t win you
He still has his hand

DUMP A DUMMY

Time for Mom and dad to choose one to go. They confer with Chloe. She tells them she likes Chris
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Still trying to figure out why anyone would bring along a bar of soap and a matchbox car, they ditch James. Dad's picking up LG's whiff of arrogance from James, and James knew it was coming too. Guess James wanted to be sure to get out of there before lockdown tonight.

LIE DETECTOR

CJ goes first and Dad asks him the regular questions. Do you like me? Do you want to have sex with Chloe? Yadda Yadda…. Are you GAY?

He does well. He’s never told a woman he loved her just for sex. We find out he’s NOT GAY (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or at least he has convinced himself that he isn't and so he isn't lying when he denies it, like he's had to do daily since puberty, poor CJ.
He doesn’t lie when asked about wanting to have sex with Chloe, but does lie when asked if he’ll try in Hawaii. Go figure!

Chris is sure he can beat the lie Detector as he’s been lying since he was two.

We're officially confused now, Chris, can't you jump in and narrate some more to explain your behavior? We thought if you planned on trying to beat a lie detector, that you would say what the parents WANTED to hear.

Did you passionately kiss my daughter? YES. Did you lie to my wife this weekend? YES. Have you cheated on girlfriends? YES. Do you plan on sleeping with Chloe in Hawaii? YES.
What a dork….

He did lie though.. he has videotaped women while having sexual intercourse with him with out their knowledge…Dad is practically twitching in his seat as he hears this. Images of Chloe wearing nothing but a smile while straddled by Mr. Sex, Lies, and Videotape surfacing on the internet and in the amateur aisles at the local adult movie store are swirling in Dad's head. Since Mom and Dad are reasonable people, we could end here and have you guess whom they picked. (Whom? That’s what my grammar check said – and it was correct Cali, as whom is the direct object of the verb "picked" in this sentence. See the many benefits of co-writing these recaps ).

Incase you need to know, they picked the CJ, the possibly gay one… Not that there’s anything wrong with that!



One of the most exciting developments, in the previews for next week's episode the tables are turned. The parents of a young man must choose between three young women vying for a date in Hawaii with their son. Mom gets to ask the questions for the lie detector test, and Dad doesn't seem to mind that the young ladies are busty and rather flirtatious. Should be quite the episode, as our husbands now have a renewed interest in this show.