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Thread: MMF The Matuliches Recap: But I'm NOT A Cheerleader!

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    LG.
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    MMF The Matuliches Recap: But I'm NOT A Cheerleader!

    Meet My Folks Season Finale, The Matuliches: But I'm NOT A Cheerleader!

    This season’s end couldn’t come soon enough, as my usual collaborator Cali’s VCR took a sudden and overpowering dislike for this show and she was unable to see either last week or this week’s episodes. My VCR, however, did me no such favors and I was treated with another hacked up episode that was edited down to 50 minutes to accommodate the For Love Or Money 2 “bleed in” to the time slot. This week’s “prize” is Janelle Matulich, a 22 year old professional cheerleader for the San Francisco 49ers. Yippee, a cheerleader. As Dog Eat Dog recapper, I got angry email the last time I had cheerleader-contestants in an episode I recapped, so remember your sunny disposition Janelle and that I’m cheering with you, not jeering at you.

    Bruce and Denise are the Mom and Dad. In contrast to earlier episodes of Meet My Folks, we don’t find out much about Bruce and Denise and what they do, but they seem nice enough. Apologies all around if I misspelled their last name, as it flashed up on the screen very quickly and I immediately thought of the Dave Malucci character who disappeared from the cast of ER with very little fanfare a season or two ago. What ever happened to Dave? Is NBC sneaking in references to older NBC series onto tonight’s episode on purpose, or am I now so very bored with this show that my mind is wandering that way all by itself? Dylan’s use of “not that there is anything wrong with that” at the end of the episode makes me think NBC is intentionally recycling for this show. Someone should tell Larry David. On second thought, don’t, because Larry David is incredibly annoying and I practically cancelled HBO just to avoid having to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. Nonetheless I’m having Seinfeld flashbacks while writing this recap, so bear with me, youngsters, and check out the syndicated episodes.

    Let’s Meet the Guys

    Hawk
    – 21 years old, whose strategy is to make the other guys look like idiots. If he’s been practicing this strategy by trying it on himself first, then he’s got it down pat. He is a professional wrestler who goes by the name of Hawk. Here’s a nice fact. Hawk intentionally swerves his car at bikers, causing them to hit parked cars. I wonder if any of them accidentally ran into John Voight’s car.

    Robert – Pilates instructor, whom Mom thinks has a chip on his shoulder. Robert’s strategy is to find out the other guy’s secrets and exploit them. Apparently Robert isn’t an avid viewer of the show, as it is the show itself which exposes secrets to embarrass the contestants. I doubt that Robert’s competition will tell him anything WORSE than what the producers have already dug up (and enhanced for television) for Hawk and Dylan. Robert’s mom threw him out a couple years ago. He is currently dating 3 women who all think he’s in a monogamous relationship with each of them. Robert admitted to cheating “once”. How much interest would accumulate if you returned a library book decades late? Don’t ask Robert, as he’s quite poor with math.

    Dylan – 22, recent college grad, strategy is to charm everyone. He brings champagne, cigars and flowers. The other guys think he’s a suck up. Posed for pictures in a gay men’s clothing catalog in a sparkling thong. Doesn’t he realize that in supportive Jockey tighty-whitey briefs his “boys would have a house” and he could have avoided this embarrassing revelation? Mom thinks he’s a switch hitter.

    The group goes swimming. Janelle likes how they look in their trunks. They all have nice firm bodies and the guys all have man-hands, which is a good thing for, um, men to have. This is a very short section, and we’ll just avoid discussing what else could have been very short if the water was cold. *cough, shrinkage, cough*

    Date with Robert- feels like the first time Janelle’s first time ever playing billiards. How does someone live 22 years and never play pool? Neither of them are Fast Eddie Felton with the pool cue, but it doesn’t matter. They drink cocoa in front of a fireplace and kiss and cuddle. Janelle feels some sparks. But is he spongeworthy, or a Mimbo? Maybe the sparks were from static electricity building up in Robert’s floppy long hairdo, but I doubt it could build up static with all that goop in it.

    Date with Dylan- dancing queen? Dylan and Janelle have a salsa dancing lesson. There is lots of touching involved, and smiling, but Dylan hesitates rather than kissing her. Perhaps he thought it wasn’t appropriate during such a somber event, as salsa dancing is quite reminiscent of watching Schindler’s List. Ok, it’s not. It’s a fun, flirty activity. The questions about which “team” Dylan is playing for continues.

    Date with Hawk- Monday Night Smackdown In keeping with his strategy to make his competition look like idiots, Hawk takes Janelle wrestling and he trash talks her. He’s wearing some skin tight red shirt. It’s just weird. While he may be “master of his domain” in the ring, it isn’t impressing Janelle. I don’t think she’s feeling the Hawk-a-mania running wild in the ring tonight. SERENITY NOW!

    Two-Four-Six-Eight, Who Do We Appreciate? Janelle teaches the guys about cheerleading and dresses them up in stupid man-cheerleader outfits with shimmery gold stripes. A car full of gay guys arrives and the Fab Five pull them out of those dreadful outfits and into something flattering and fabulous. Ok, that didn’t happen, but it would have been much more interesting had the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy crew had shown up to rescue our hapless contestants from this embarrassment.

    Out come three goofy mascots and a gaggle of rah rah sisters to help teach the guys how to cheer. They look like idiots prancing around with pom poms. See, Hawk’s plan is working, but too well as he also looks like a big doofus. Dylan has the smoothest moves. No-one is too surprised. In a camera confessional Dylan says that he hasn’t had any dance training, but that it doesn’t take much to make Robert and Hawk look like oafs, and oh, by the way, I’m Canadian. A Canadian who doesn’t play hockey, eh? The “clues” are dropping fast and furious.

    At the end of the cheer routine, the mascots take off their heads and reveal that they are ex-girlfriends of the guys. I’m so surprised. OK, I’m not surprised in the least, but at least a couple of the guys look somewhat surprised to find that the San Francisco 49ers cheerleading squad does not contain three very different mascots.

    Jennifer, Hawk’s Ex is sporting some green turtle outfit. Dated less than a year, said that Hawk was very jealous and told her parents that she was doing drugs so they would help him keep track of her. Creepy.

    Erin, Dylan’s Ex thinks that Dylan is a Teddy bear compared to the description of Hawk. Erin says that Dylan doesn’t express his feelings. Which feelings, the one where he’s gay? She’s nice to Dylan. Too nice. Mom and Dad don’t think they can trust her because she didn’t trash him. Glad to see I’m not the most cynical person around, but Erin’s testimonial is that Dylan’s real, and spectacular.

    Anneka, Robert’s Ex is wearing a bluebird outfit. Anneka says that Robert wanted to move in to her place rent free, he never got her anything for her birthday, etc. A real cheapskate. Wouldn’t even give her free Pilates even though he’s a Pilates instructor. Just like when Jerry was dating the massage therapist who wouldn’t give him a massage.

    Getting to Know You And now, special moments . Robert brought a picture of himself as a fat kid. He is proud that he turned it around and lost a bunch of weight. Mom was also a chubby kid and thinks that is super. Dylan brought his diploma. He is proud that he got his degree on the same day that his sister got her masters. Hawk whips out his action figure, the Hawk action figure, because that is what he has wanted to do since he was a little kid when people told him that he’d never accomplish anything. Janelle starts thinking better of Hawk. Janelle asks “where is my action figure?” like everyone should be entitled to one just for the hell of it, and Mom says “it’s Barbie.” Hmmm, not saying anything here, but decide that my daughter should have “brainy girls who get a jobs based on their brains, not their bodies” dolls instead of “Barbie” from now on.

    Sex, Lies, and Videotape This week’s video messages from friends and family are cleverly edited into a fake news broadcast which I’m glad didn’t get edited out of the shortened version of this episode, as it was my favorite part.

    Hawk’s friend John raves about Hawk’s unusual fashion sense, as he’s been strolling down public streets wearing women’s bra and panties. Hawk said that he lost a bet and took advantage of yet another chance to make an ass of himself. Make sure you jump right on that, Hawk. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

    Robert’s Mom reports that she had to kick him out of her house after he graduated from college when he wasn’t paying rent and mooching off the whole family. Robert contradicts dear old mom and says he didn’t kick his sister out of her room, she just wanted to sleep on the couch every night.

    Dylan’s friend John questions Dylan’s sexuality because he danced in his undies at a gay club, and told a girl’s parents that he was gay to avoid having to date her. Dylan has some elaborate story about how the bar was having a “pajama party” and he was stuck pantless in the bar not by his choice, but Dad’s not buying his excuses. Dad says “if someone told me I couldn’t put my pants back on, well first I wouldn’t have taken them off, but then, I would have told them to go to hell and put my damn pants on!”

    First elimination Mom and Dad don’t want to tell Hawk that he is gone. I don’t blame them, because he’s rather big. Dad is disappointed because the first impression was so positive, but they wonder about his character. They didn’t think he was compatible with the type of guys that Janelle likes to date. Mom was crying, telling him that he is “somebody” and that she’ll be cheering for him when he’s in the wrestling ring. No Hawaii for you, Hawk! It’s Festivus for the rest of us though.

    Absolutely nothing else happens in this episode before we are taken directly to the Lie Detector Test – Hi Nick, I know this editing fiasco is not your doing.

    Robert

    Did you flirt with Mom this weekend? Yes
    Do you like Mom’s cooking? Yes
    Have you lied to my daughter this weekend? No
    If I asked you to not sleep with Janelle in Hawaii, would you respect my wishes? Yes
    Is more than one woman currently under the impression she’s in a monogamous relationship with you? No

    Dylan

    Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Yes
    Have you lied to us this weekend? No
    Are you pretending to care about Janelle just to win a trip to Hawaii? No
    Did you ever directly or indirectly tell a girl’s parents that you were gay to avoiding dating their daughter? No
    Are you gay? No

    Mom and Dad have a tough time coming to a decision and Mom can hardly spit it out with all her rambling. Dylan is the winner. I didn’t see how that was a tough choice, actually, to pick a neat guy who isn’t gay, not in his mind anyway, over a guy who is a mooch and a player who currently has several other “monogamous” girlfriends.

    Parting words for the season, I’m glad Mom and Dad came to realize that I’m not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that. I’d like to thank our friends at Vandelay Industries for the help with this recap, namely Eny and SnowflakeGirl who helped with the Seinfeld references. If you have any questions or comments about this recap, you can contact the recapper at lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  2. #2
    Loaded God Complex MajiH's Avatar
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    Great recap! Poor Hawk. Kicked off of Tough Enough and now this. And I had plenty of him the first go round.

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    Loaded God Complex MajiH's Avatar
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    And might I add I thought that cheerleader was OOOOGLY. I might take her to Hawaii if I were a guy provided she came with a bag to put over her head. She was way too Tori Spelling pre-op for me.

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    FORT Regular Sirwanksalot's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MajiH
    She was way too Tori Spelling pre-op for me.
    word LOL

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    Premium Member Bumpkin's Avatar
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    great recap LG!

    A great note to end the season on. Great job, and way too many inspired little nuggest in there to quote!


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    Meet My Folks-Matuliches Episode

    Hi,

    Does anyone have a copy of The Matuliches episode? I REALLY would like to get a copy and I would be willing to pay anyone who taped the episode.

    Thanks.
    Matt K.

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    LG.
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    Sorry Matt, I taped Paradise Hotel over it last night.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    Meet My Folks

    Quote Originally Posted by LG.
    Sorry Matt, I taped Paradise Hotel over it last night.
    No Problem. If you know ANYONE who has a copy, please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks.
    Matt K.

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    FORT Fan ladytex's Avatar
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    Great recap. Poor Hawk, such a strange bird ....

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