In the past couple weeks the kids have narrowed their search for a new step mom from nine women to five. The five that are left this week are Christena, Christy, Cynthia, Kathy, and Lori. Two unlucky women will be eliminated tonight so let the anticipation begin.
Beach Blanket Bad Facts
As the show opens, Don asks the ladies to join him and his kids down on the beach. They all whiz off in a stretch limousine. They play a friendly game of volleyball with everyone having equal opportunities to show off their sporting skills or, let’s say, lack thereof. After the game, a scandalous moment happens when Don starts walking off with Christy. Now last week we saw Christy strategically playing the game with her sly moves on Don. This week Don seems to have fallen into her snares. The other women do not like this one bit, and the kids feel uncomfortable with the obvious turn of events. Don says Christy is a lot of fun and if you want to have fun she’s the one you’d pick. I’m sure many a bathroom wall says, “For a good time call Christy”.
After Don and Christy have their flirtatious fun, everyone gathers around in some chairs, but soon their peace is disturbed when a plane flies overhead. The plane tags along a banner announcing there will soon be planes flying along revealing “bad facts” about each one of the ladies. Don and their kids love seeing the ladies put on the spot.
First one to be uncovered is Kathy. In her past, she has dated a married man for a year. Kathy obviously horrified at this announcement explains to the kids and Don that he had been separated for a year already. The boys, though, felt she shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place.
The next plane reveals Lori hasn’t worked a single day since college. Now these ladies are not spring chickens, so that’s quite some time to lounge around all day getting breast enhancements. Don and the kids asked why she had told them she had a boutique. Lori explains she will own a boutique soon, and she doesn’t need money because she is already well off. The kids seem to believe her.
Cynthia’s “bad fact” is her last boyfriend was only 22-years-old. Everyone is shocked by this announcement, and the boys are quite excited saying this is every guy’s dream. I’m puzzled by this since most men I know dream about dating younger woman. The girls feel this is somewhat awkward having your step mom date someone who is younger than your brothers. How about having your step mom date anyone other than your dad? Sorry that’s just my conservative values coming into play again.
Fourth up is our lovely Christy who would rather starve than cook a meal. Everyone laughs and the kids say Christy told them she was a good cook. Christy says she can cook but they won’t like what she makes. She can make a mean margarita though. We saw that margarita last week when she threatened to pour it down Don’s back if he didn’t pick her. The kids aren’t too happy with this revelation; especially Karla who proudly announces she cooks three meals a day for her husband. I think she’s more jealous that she didn’t think of the “I can’t cook” scheme.
Lastly, Christena is exposed as a woman who does not get involved with men who aren’t wealthy. Christena acts shocked about this and says it isn’t true. She doesn’t know how much the men she dates make, but admits she would never marry a gas attendant. The kids ask if she would date anyone who made under $50,000, and Christena says no because she needs to be financially responsible for her kids. How about getting a job and having a budget instead of marrying a man for money?
At this moment a new plane comes with a banner announcing, “You have 15 minutes to eliminate a woman”. You know some mass murderer is going to see that and just nod his head and go “right”. (By the way, thanks to a friend for that chilling observation.) Anyway, the kids, as well as the women, are not looking forward to this because the field is growing thin.
Kathy asks Don if she can borrow him for a second. All the women, as well as the kids, feel somewhat uncomfortable about this since it seems like some unfair advantage is being planned. Really Kathy just needs to know some important information before she continues in her quest for Don. She tells Don she is 39-years-old and she does not have any children. If she does get married, she would like to have children and asks Don if he is willing to experience child rearing again with her. Don is very touched by her motives but confesses his child rearing days are over, and he has four wonderful grown children now. With this knowledge, Kathy tearfully says she is going to eliminate herself from the competition. Everyone is surprised by this announcement, but they understand her noble reason. I’m sure a few were also relieved it wasn’t them being eliminated.
Each night Don gets a chance to spend some alone time with one of the ladies. Tonight Don picks Christy who excitedly accepts to which Don replies “Right answer!”. The kids get to see the cheesy soap opera shots on their TV in their bedroom.
Don and Christy share some champagne, strawberries, and laughs. It is obvious they are very physically attracted to one another and enjoy the flirting. The kids for some reason are annoyed that Christy is flirting with their dad. They seem to miss the point that this is a major part of dating. The date ends with a sensual kiss, which Don confesses he had wanted to do for an hour. I’m sure that’s not all he wanted to do, but the cameras! The cameras! Karla says at the end that Christy is not “wife material”. We’ll see.
High Maintenance Challenge
The next morning the kids lovingly wake up the remaining four ladies by banging on pots and pans. They announce they have a challenge for them: whoever runs down to greet their dad first will win a date with him for the day. The catch is whatever they have on, including clothes and make-up, is what they have to wear on the date. We see most of the women panicking at this new prospect. Again I remind you these ladies are no spring chickens.
The first one down is Lori. She comes down in a white tank top and some hot pink pajama bottoms. Her hair is neatly combed, but she is not wearing any make-up. Don comments Lori looks like a different person. That’s not a compliment, Lori. Right after Cynthia arrives in similar apparel and also not wearing any make-up. Unfortunately Cynthia does not win a door prize for coming in second, and she admits maybe she shouldn’t have brushed her teeth. You might have won the date, Cynthia, by doing that, but you definitely would not have won Don. Forty five minutes go by and finally Christy and Christena arrive looking not much better than the other two women, which says a lot for how much “work” they need to do in the morning. The kids feel these two might hold beauty over winning a date with their dad.
Since Lori won the challenge she gets to go on a bike ride with Don. Lori also gets to pick another lady to spend the day with the children, leaving the other two ladies to do yard work. Lori confesses she likes having power and picks Christy to spend time with the kids. Lori feels she and Christy have a pact going and Christy will watch her back later in the competition. This does not seem like a wise strategy since Christy is probably Lori’s biggest competition, and Cynthia obviously deserved some reward for getting ready almost as quickly as Lori. This might bite her in the butt later on in the competition.
Bikes, Batting, and Backbreaking
Don and Lori go on their bike ride. Lori shows some style points by biking without shoes since she did not wear them down to breakfast. They arrive to a grassy area where there is champagne set up for them. They toast to a wonderful bike ride and picnic. They also feed one another fresh fruit. They end the date with a kiss, which pleasantly surprises both of them. There seems to be some chemistry, although there doesn’t seem to be a physical attraction the way Don and Christy have. Don admits the more he gets to know Lori the more he likes her.
Cynthia and Christena are shown raking and pushing a push mower through the grass. They are obviously not green thumbs, and Cynthia expects Don to have a gardener and her responsibility is to tell the gardener how she wants it done. My, my how the noses get higher when money steps into the situation. Both Cynthia and Christena are jealous of Christy having a great time with the kids, and Christy just rubs it in by asking Christena to get her another drink.
Christy ends up having a fun time in the batting cage with the kids, although again not showing her great sporting ability. She takes some time to sit down with the kids and explain how things in her life have been recently. She hasn’t had a steady relationship in the past five years (cue the water works), and she really sees herself with the kids’ dad. The kids fall for this hook, line, and sinker. I half expected Denzel to step around the corner and hand her the golden statuette.
Penn and Teller the truth
That night Don, the kids, and the four women head out to a magic show given by the magicians, Penn and Teller. We see a little comedic act with Heidi as a volunteer. She is shown standing blindfolded against a board as Penn pretends to throw knives at her while Teller stabs them into the board unbeknownst to Heidi. Then she does the same to Penn but this time she has the blindfold on while throwing. All in all it’s a lame skit, but Heidi sure does get fooled.
Afterwards, Penn instructs the kids to pick two women they are feeling “iffy” about. The kids congregate and talk about how their dad seems to not have much attraction to Cynthia and has the strongest attraction to Christy. Heidi adds, though, attraction isn’t everything. They also confess that Christena is not as high up on their list as she used to be. When they come out, they announce they are picking Cynthia and Lori. I notice all they said about Lori earlier was they liked her and she’s a lot of fun, so this is quite a surprise.
The two women now get to perform a polygraph with dear ol’ Nick, our loveable polygraph man, in front of the entire audience. If you notice closely you can see Christy mouth the word “Nice!” at this aspect. You just know she has something to hide and she’s glad she isn’t the one up there. First up is Cynthia:
1. Would you get mad if our dad forgets to leave the toilet seat down? Yes
2. If you marry our dad would you include us in your will? Yes
3. Do you normally date men under thirty? No
4. Is love more important to you than money? Yes
5. Are you falling in love with my dad? Yes (gulp, quiver, sniff, cry, huge pause) awwwwww
After this embarrassing moment, Cynthia pulls Don aside and tells him about the last question. She says it feels good to say she’s falling in love with him. Don hugs her, but it is quite obvious he doesn’t know what to say and probably does not quite feel the same.
1. Do you regret not having the opportunity to not run your fingers through our dad’s hair? No
2. If you married our dad, would you give me your kidney if I needed it? Yes
3. If our dad asked, would you elope? Yes
4. If you marry our dad would you promise never to go to bed angry with him? Yes
5. If you marry our dad, would you be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement? Yes
After the public polygraphs, the kids and Don meet to discuss whom to eliminate. Don tells the kids about his discussion with Cynthia and confesses he does not feel the same about her. He would rather get to know Lori instead. He feels he and Cynthia are in two totally different worlds. The kids like Cynthia, though, and feel their dad could like her over time. They also like Lori, but feel she might not be as sincere as she seems.
Instead of the usual tearful announcement made by the kids, this time Penn and Teller do a magic trick to reveal who is eliminated. Cynthia and Lori are put into separate metal-framed boxes with curtains drawn over them. With a flick of the hand the curtains are pulled back to reveal. . . . Cynthia is still there and only Lori’s purse is left!
Don is truly shocked and says, “I can’t believe they eliminated her!” Don, always the cool dude, does not appear very angry but feels his kids are working against him now. This week we do not see how Lori felt about this elimination. I guess when Penn announced they would make a woman vanish and NEVER come back they meant it.
Don spends some alone time with Cynthia afterwards because he felt obligated too. They sit close together on the couch, and Cynthia is radiating with her love for Don. He on the other hand is looking quite uncomfortable, especially when Cynthia is talking about the great energy she can feel in his hands. The kids notice this uneasiness too while spying on their TV in their bedroom. Don admits he was feeling quite uncomfortable, nonetheless the video shows Don kisses Cynthia when she advances. Amazingly Don admits after that kiss he sees a different person in Cynthia than he did before. Dang girl! That’s quite some magical lips you have there.
Check out Cynthia’s magic as well as the other ladies in next Monday’s episode to see who the final two will be.
If you have questions or comments about this article please email the author at firstname.lastname@example.org