The Schmidt’s Part II
I start my recording to see Rob saying goodbye to someone, and then finding out about the money. Yes, I’m watching the last few minutes of For Love Or Money. For a minute I worry that perhaps this means I will miss the last ten minutes of Meet My Folks, but then I remember that this is NBC, and they have treated Meet My Folks like chopped liver for months now, so I am all of the sudden confident that we will have a fifty minute episode.
This week it is my turn to take the wonderful 50 minutes that is Meet My Folks and turn it into something you can read in less than, well, 50 minutes.
We begin with a recap of last week, but truth be told you’d have more fun reading LG's Recap
This is a little one on one time for Erin and each of our guys. First up is Pete. He wakes Erin up while it’s still dark outside and whisks her away to watch the sunrise. They walk along a trail and sit on a guardrail to watch. Pete snatches a daisy from a neighbor’s garden and Erin tucks it behind her ear. They chat and seem to have a great time.
Date number 2 belongs to Ryan. They get to go horseback riding, and we see more proof that this show is slighted by the powers that be at NBC, when they are forced to share a horse. Joe Millionaire and Zhora each got their own horse to ride, man, FOX knows how to treat it’s reality TV dating show contestants. The two dismount and chat for a while, getting to know each other a little better.
Chris gets the third date. He and Erin go to a bakery where they learn to make dessert. Ok, we are told they learn to make dessert, what we see is them learning to make a mess with chocolate. This is not my idea of a fun date, but choco-covered-Erin seemed to have a good time.
Come on down for a swim
It’s meet the ex’s time. Faithful viewers knew it was just a matter of time. Usually everyone at least gets served a meal. This time around they get to sit by the pool.
First we meet Betsy. She used to date Pete, and informs everyone that he is a charmer. He can charm anyone into anything. Once the two went across the country. He told Betsy that he had a gas card that would pay for the gas and food for the entire trip. Yet somehow they never managed to see a single gas station that would accept that card. Pete wound up getting money from women along the way. He also manages to find out when friends are going to dinner or movies, then shows up, gets invited, but SURPRISE, he has no money.
Dad asks for ONE of two words from Pete: TRUE or FALSE?
Pete’s answer? True.
Autumn is Ryan’s ex and she tells us that everything is about Ryan. Ryan loves Ryan. Ryan is numero uno. You will fight for mirror time with Ryan. Ryan thinks he’s Ken looking for Barbie.
TRUE or FALSE?
Ryan’s answer? True.
Last to speak is Chris’s ex Aubree. She thinks everyone should know that Chris waxes his eyebrows ever week, and that he likes to wear make-up. Erin admits to thinking there was something weird about he way he looked, but couldn’t figure out what it was. Really? Eyebrows like that on a man, and she couldn’t figure it out? Interesting. OK, so back to Aubree. She also lets us know that Chris drinks a lot, gets angry when he’s drunk, and blacks out.
TRUE or FALSE?
Chris’s answer? False.
Hmmm, Chris is the only one that claims his ex-girlfriend is lying. What would Aubree be lying about, that fact that your eyebrows are not a shape found in nature, or that you’re a jerk when you drink? Was either of those facts: 1.) even plausibly deniable, unless Chris was formerly a fire fighter whose eyebrows got permanently singed in a blaze, or 2.) worth calling your “ex” a liar and looking like you can’t admit the truth. Dad thinks Chris “can’t handle the truth” and that is a problem.
Video Dating 101
I assume the ex’s go home, as now everyone else is in the living room by the huge TV. Dad receives a video.
Scene one: There’s dad pointing to the chalkboard. It’s flashback time. The rules are simple and the boys better follow them:
3. Look Me in the Eye and Speak Up
4. No Drinking
5. No Smoking
6. No Advances
7. No Profanity
8. Lights Out
9. Erin’s Feelings
10. Our Feelings
Scene two: Ryan and Erin’s date. There’s Ryan. He’s asking Erin what he can do to get in good with Mom and Dad. He bends in and then they kiss. Pops is not happy
Scene three: Chris and Erin’s date. There is a lot of touchy feely going on while spreading the chocolate. They also kiss and again Dad is not happy.
Mom doesn’t want Dad watching Pete and Erin’s date. Dad almost agrees with her. He knows they are saving the worst for last. He is already staring at Pete and trying desperately to get the laser vision to work.
Scene four: Pete and Erin’s date. There they are. He is telling her how beautiful she is. He is sitting close. He tells her how much he wants to kiss her, that this is the perfect setting, that he desperately wants to…. But can’t as it is rule number six on Dad’s chalkboard, and Pete wants to respect Dad’s wishes.
To say Dad is shocked would be an understatement. I think he is truly at a loss for words. He does the mature thing and gives Pete props for respecting his wishes. He is truly impressed. I flash back to Betsy telling us Pete is a charmer.
The FAX rings and buzzes and Mr. And Mrs. Schmidt are told they need to tell one of the guys to leave. They have 15 minutes.
They give their speech about how hard it is to choose someone to leave. They like all the guys. This is so difficult…
Pete… you’re staying. Chris you’re leaving. This little exchange indicates that Ryan is clearly an after-thought by this point
Dancing In The Dark
Erin is by the pool. There are candles everywhere and a Violinist is playing softly nearby. She will get to spend a little more one on one time with each guy.
Parents get the FAX. They can watch on TV. They do.
First comes Ryan. He and Erin dance and chat. Dad informs us that he thinks he could make the jump from the balcony to the pool, and be there in a couple seconds. He tells his wife that they better just keep dancing. Ryan tells Erin he has to respect her dad’s wishes and not kiss her. I roll my eyes, as really, that’s Pete’s shtick. He hugs her good bye, and she tells us that she likes him more every time they are together.
Pete comes out next, he walks up and says, “Hey Cutie”. This causes Mom and Dad to giggle. I am once again reminded of Betsy. “Charmer”. They dance, they chat, he says goodnight, without a kiss.
Mom and Dad decide not to waste the violinists talent, and go for a dance by the pool.
Ryan starts with why Pete shouldn’t be the one to go. He then goes on to say that Ryan is handsome. Ryan has his own business. Ryan has his own house. Ryan is secure.
Mom thinks it’s all about Ryan. Really? Note to future contestants, Moms like to hear about how great their kids are. Try complimenting the DAUGHTER, not yourself, when sucking up to the parents.
Here comes Pete. I have to say that I’ve been putting out subtle jabs about him being classified a charmer by Betsy. The fact is I think he is a charmer, and even though you know he’s trying to charm you, he comes off as charming. Everyone smiles when he walks in, so I know I’m not alone in my feelings.
Pete says he is so happy to have been able to meet all three of them. He then talks about Erin. Erin is beautiful. Erin is intelligent. Erin is funny. Erin is a great girl that every guy would want. Mr. and Mrs. Schmidt should be proud that they raised such a great young woman.
Damn he’s charming.
Back To School
Unfortunately for the guys, they are not going to see the Rodney Dangerfield flick, although I think that would have been more enjoyable. I particularly like the line when Rodney is trying to ask his =teacher out on a date and she declines because she has to teach a class that night. Rodney’s response: “Well call me when you have no class”
Dad takes the boys to a school, and into a classroom where he instructs each of them to write sentences on the board. Obviously Matt Groening is not writing for this show, as the sentences are boring.
Pete writes: I will not steal women’s undergarments. (Please refer back to the recap for part one if you need to know why he would be asked to write that particular sentence)
Ryan writes: I will not kiss Mr. Schmidt’s daughter.
Dad returns, but isn’t happy with the quality of the writing. Ryan is mad because Pete wrote big and left big spaces, while Ryan wrote small and filled the board. Petty Ryan.
It’s off to the Principals office for these two.
When the boys walk into the principals office they see Lie Detector Nick waiting for them. He welcomes Pete back, and says hello to Ryan.
Pete is up first:
Would he like Mr. S as a father in law? YES
Does he too wax eyebrows? YES
Did he make ex pay for gas on long trip? NO
Has he lied this week? NO
Are you pretending to like Erin for trip? NO
Ryan is next:
Has he made fun of Mr. S behind his back? YES
Has he lied to Erin this week? NO
Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? NO
Did Mr. S. overreact to the kiss? Yes
If Mrs. S says don’t sleep with Erin on trip will he respect that? YES
They are both 3 for five in the truth department and as usual this decision is very hard on the folks. It’s like asking one of their sons to leave. Really, if you have to ask one of your sons to leave, it might as well be the one with his own house, wouldn’t you say? Ryan is gone, and Pete wins the trip to Australia with Erin.
Dad goes to get Sparkling Cider to celebrate, and comes back with cider and a new hair-do. He now has his hair spiked like Pete’s. He informs Pete that he has good news and bad news. The good news is that Pete did win. The bad news is that Mr. And Mrs. Schmidt are coming too and he and Pete will be roomies.
Pete is smiling.
Mr. Schmidt says “I love you man” and they hug. Pete’s so damn charming.
A BIG special thanks to Lurkinggirl for injecting the perfect amount of humor into an otherwise bland recap
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