The PrinciPAL is Not Your Pal.
After an unanticipated hiatus, Meet My Folks is back with a crop of summer episodes. Who is our lucky “star” tonight? Why, it’s Erin Schmidt, 20 years old swimsuit model who is going to school in Tallahassee, Florida (go Seminoles!). Dad says that Erin is a former cheerleader who likes to be center stage. Dad doesn’t mention it, but I immediately noticed that among Erin’s likes is wearing nippley T-shirts.
Dad this week is former school principal, Marty Schmidt, so count on the principal aspect to be hammered home pretty hard in this episode. We don’t learn much about this week’s Mom, Robin Schmidt, a rather non-descript, conservative looking mother who shares her daughter’s taste in blonde highlights.
Meet the Guys
Josh is 20 years old, a student, with a crew cut. Josh is a motorcyclist, but Dad hates motorcycles. His strategy is to be honest, yet we almost immediately found out that he took $3,500 from parents’ “emergency” credit card and bought himself a new wardrobe. I’m wondering what happened to the wardrobe, as the shirt he’s wearing now leaves a lot to be desired. Mom says it is stealing. Erin can relate to “emergency shopping spree” situations, and we all know how expensive the right T-shirt can be.
“Pistol” Pete, 22 year old Arizona State University graduating senior. I wondered if that “graduating” adjective is common at that school, as when I went to college it was rather assumed that seniors would graduate. Pete plans to suck up to the parents, win them over with his smile. Or is it the wild hair? I wonder why he’s planning this already, when he hasn’t met Erin yet… me thinks someone wants a trip. He find out that Dad’s a principal and says, “I better not even bother unpacking.” We find out that Pete is so obsessed with women’s feet, he will break up with women if their feet are ugly. He says Mom’s feet are good. Mom thinks it’s BS, but she obviously isn’t oblivious of her feet, as she’s sporting toe-nail polish. Way to go, Mom!
Chris, 24 San Diego, CA, trying to impress the parents and be honest, but his answer to his dirty secret seemed incomplete. He looks like Brian Austin Greene from 90210, I’ve been wondering what he’s been up to lately. Seems Star Dates must not have called back. Chris broke up with girl after giving her a promise ring, with no real explanation. Also concerned about Dad’s profession, as education wasn’t really a priority for young Chris.
Fallon is a 22 year old film student whose plan is to just to “be himself” another spikey haired dude, this one with a strangely red dye-job. He doesn’t really care about the other guys. Oh, and he hates country music. Dad loves country music and asks “How could anyone in their right mind not love country music?” Cali’s answer? By having good taste in music. Fallon snowboarded naked in broad daylight in front of hundreds of onlookers. Dad says that was “foolish, an exercise of poor judgment.” I think it was a damn chilly way to exercise, and can’t help but wonder about this “shrinkage” thing I hear guys complain about. Fallon seems quite proud of it.
Ryan, 21, owns his own auto detailing business. He has everything “together” in his life. Spikey highlighty hair, and poor taste in white rock necklaces. We find out that Ryan took advantage of a brainy girl with a crush on him to get her to do his papers and homework, but had no intention of dating her. He admits he used her to pass a class. As that former brainy girl who always had crushes on jerky guys, I think this dirty little secret ranks right up there with “steals candy from children” when it comes to moral defects.
Dad’s Little Blackboard of Rules
Dad wants to talk to the guys alone. He sends Mom and Erin away. They were called to the Principal’s office. He unveils a blackboard with his Rules:
3. Look Me in the Eye and Speak Up
4. No Drinking
5. No Smoking
6. No Advances
7. No Profanity
8. Lights Out
9. Erin’s Feelings
10. Our Feelings
Why does it take until number 9 to say “don’t make Erin cry”? I also don’t get number 8… lights out? Hmm, ok, as long as you’re not drinking or smoking with the lights on, I guess the guy who only makes her cry will win. This is Dad’s “dream come true” as he gets to choose, regardless of Erin’s wishes.
Breakfast the next morning, bacon, eggs, etc. the works – but alas, faxus interruptus. No big homemade (or probably catered) breakfast for the Boys, as they’re having cereal for breakfast! The boxes are in the cupboard (with videotapes in them, of course):
Count Bad Fact-ula
Josh’s Mom was talking about him wrecking four cars that his parents have paid for. Crashed 3 cars in 2 weeks. Make sure Erin wears a seatbelt. Josh called his mom a liar. Not cool, Joshy.
Chris’ sister Sarah said that Chris’ goal in life was to see his face on the Jumbotron at the San Diego Padres stadium. When he was finally on the screen, Chris dropped trow and mooned the entire stadium. I guess it wasn’t his face he wanted on the big screen after all. He seems rather proud of this moment, actually.
Ryan’s friend Jarrod said Ryan took his ex-girlfriend’s car and got traffic tickets (which they take pictures of) and covered his face. Ryan intentionally ran red light with jacket over his head, with the police sending tickets to the girlfriend. Ryan seemed rather proud of the “creativeness” of this revenge, but Dad didn’t like the vindictiveness. Mom wonders about his temper. I wonder how many times I would need to twist that stupid little white rock necklace before I could choke this little brat.
Fallon’s Grandma Helen explained what a responsible grandson she has, as Fallon borrowed $900 from her and promised to pay her back, but instead he wasted it on partying instead of the emergency he said it was for. “Mom and Dad,” said Granny, “I hope you pick Fallon from your daughter, then he’ll have a whole new set of relatives to sponge off.” In two years of this show, that is the funniest videotape confessional I have ever seen. Is Fallon going to call his dear old Granny a liar? He comes as close as he dares, but then remembers Mom’s face when Josh called his mother a liar, and hedges and says he’s partially paid her back.
Pete’s friend Brian reveals that Pete steals panties from women he’s been intimate with and claims over 50 past conquests. Brian warns Mom and Dad to “Check his luggage to see if he’s been intimate with your daughter.” Pete’s defense: “I’m not a panty saver! They were left there by the women by accident!” Um, wouldn’t that mean that there was well over 50, Petey, and that this collection is only the absent-minded conquests? Dad lost it and left.
Has Anyone Seen a Bud Light?
Lunch out in the yard, and there is ominous music, as something always happens when they sit down to eat. These guys were looking around for something to happen, they must have been reading our past recaps before going on the show. Lo and behold, a falcon swoops in with a note on his leg. Somebody at NBC has been watching the Superbowl ads, but hey, I love falcons, so this is cool. Dad says “he’s got a fax or something on his leg” Um ok, Principal, that’s a note, not a fax, but you got the point. No wonder so many kids got detention for getting caught sending faxes in class at your school. They need to eliminate someone. The guys all get sent away from lunch, with lots of pissing and moaning as they didn’t get to eat much for breakfast. The guys were bonding, “I love you all” *sniff*, stuff with groups of guys on dating shows. Pete thinks he’s going, dares the others to bet him. Ryan gets all mad when Pete jokes that he could bet his company, as Pete has $10,000, which would probably be worth about the same amount.
Time to thin the herd. Dad gets emotional, wipes a tear from his eye. Erin says she’s “never seen her Dad cry before” which to me seems a little bit overkill given they’ve known these guys one day, they’re not at Grampy’s funeral here, we know that because they couldn’t afford Grampy’s funeral until Fallon pays Grandma back. Sadly for Mom and Dad, they send Josh packing (preppy boy) because Erin wasn’t attracted to him and they didn’t seem to hit it off. Josh was a great guy, but didn’t click with Erin. In the background we hear some sappy sad music that we’ll probably get a request for. NBC, when are you going to start listing music credits for this show on your website? Come on, give us a break already.
Four Men in a Tub
The remaining 4 guys are soaking in the hot tub with Erin, but unlike prior episodes in which Mom and Dad are secretly watching from their bedroom, this time Mom and Dad are sitting there watching them. As a parent and as a kid who used to date, decades ago, this is really creepy. Make sure you follow “the rules” Dad says as he glares at Pete sitting next to Erin.
Just in case anyone has forgotten that Dad is a school principal, he wakes up the guys with nails on a chalkboard to take the guys bowling. Erin and Pete know their way around the alley and both get strikes, but after a warm up round the guys get a bunch of black pins. They must get a strike or a bad fact will be revealed. The next bowling ball states that Fallon admits he’s cheated on over 80 exams in high school and college. Ryan hooked up with a married mother in her 40s that he met on the internet. Chris barely squeaked by, had a 1.75 GPA in college and was on academic probation, but says he did graduate 4 ½ years later. He must have been a “graduating senior” his final year and a half. Pete also doesn’t get a strike. In the past, Pete has cheated on his girlfriends over 30 times. Keeping in mind the 50 panties, does this mean he’s had 20 girlfriends with 30 cheats? Not good odds there.
Mom and Dad must cut another guy, and they get to pick 2 to face the lie detector. Erin begs mom to keep Pete around, but Mom and Dad pick Pete and Fallon to take the lie detector test.
Lie Detector Test
Did you respect your principal in HS – yes, lie
Have you truly paid your grandma some of her money back – no, true
If given the opportunity, would you snowboard naked again – yes, true
Have you cheated on more than 10 exams – yes, true
Do you think it’s OK to cheat on tests as long as you don’t get caught – no, lie
Did you flirt with my wife this week – yes, true
Have you ever broken up with a girl because of her ugly feet – yes, true
Do you really find my wife’s feet attractive (Nick the polygraph guy is cracking up) – yes, true
Do you think you’re smarter than me – yes, true
If I asked you to not sleep with Erin in Australia, would you respect my wishes – yes, lie
(dad makes throat slitting gesture)
Mom and Dad aren’t thrilled with their options. Pete is quite honest, but slimy. Fallon is pathological. Erin likes both of them. Dad wishes them both the best, and eliminates Fallon. Sappy leaving music. Fallon looks crushed. Erin was sad to see Fallon go, but happy that Pete was staying. Erin likes guys with Sid Vicious haircuts. I can remember what happened to Nancy, and it wasn’t good Erin. They all piled their stinky, nasty bowling shoes on Fallon on the way out. Nice touch.
Part Two of The Schmidts will air next Monday, also at 10 pm Eastern, and my co-recapper Cali will be doing the heavy lifting on that recap. Thanks to Cali for her help with this effort, and if you have any questions or comments, or are a show contestant interested in an interview for the site, please contact the author at email@example.com m