Married by America
Episode Five – Recap
Welcome to Fantasy Island
Welcome back to the show that just seems to keep hanging around like an annoying out of work brother-in-law. This week, our four remaining couples move into private villas as they delve further into their relationships. Would the change of pace help the currently icy relations between Xavier and Jennifer? Are Jill and Kevin still the perfect couple? Will Steven ever get around to kissing Denise, and will she shut up about it long enough to allow that kiss? What are the odds that Billie Jean and Tony have sex on the short drive between the hotel and the villa?
Once again, we have questions to answer, so lets get started.
Post Interview Shocking Stress Elimination Disorder… or P.I.S.S.E.D.
Two hours after last week’s elimination round we catch up with the survivors, and they aren’t happy with the way they were treated.
Billie Jean is mad at the panel for implying that her romance with Tony is purely lust based. Well it is Billie Jean, but hey, you two do seem to get along pretty well, so you have to start somewhere. There are worse things to base a relationship on in the beginning, just don’t rely on armpit scent.
Steven knew that he and Denise were on the hot seat, and he says that he is glad they are still together, though much to her dismay, Steven is still not in a kissing mood. However, the barriers have dropped a bit, and he is willing to sleep in the same bed as Denise, and shouldn’t she feel good about that? Apparently not, as she begins pressuring him again for affection, and they end up arguing.
Xavier took a lot of heat, but he was happy with the feedback, and plans on continuing to chase good ol’ whatshername. Yeah, that other Jennifer, not the doctor, but the other one who doesn’t seem to feel it necessary to interact with our touchy-feely Frenchman, even though she is engaged to him.
Meanwhile, Jill is surprised to learn that some of the other couples are not as happy as she and Kevin are. We get a very touching night shot of Kevin cuddling with is future bride. Looking closer, it seems like he is stroking her hair, but as we zoom in, it is really him twisting her ear. What are you trying to do Kevin, tune in the Knicks game?
Movin’ On Up
Breakfast the next morning brings news that the couples will be moving into their villas.
These are pretty nice villas and the contestants are suitably impressed. Billie Jean jumps up and down on the bed, undoubtedly testing it’s ability to withstand a normal night of passion between her and Tony. Xavier and Jenn share a glass of wine, and if you look real closely, she is almost smiling… or maybe it was a smirk, hard to tell. Xavier does comment that since they have moved, he likes her more. Gee Xavier, do you think that might be because now you have a whole house to separate you from her, as opposed to just a hotel room before?
Steven and Denise are sitting in their upstairs window, admiring the view. They share a few romantic comments, and finally have a decent kiss together. Next they spend the afternoon cuddling, but Denise is at it again, wanting more and more. Denise clearly needs “some”, and I would have advised her to just pull Sean aside one afternoon and knock one out, because this girl is going nuts, and taking Steven with her. As for Steven, I don’t know why he isn’t reciprocating, but he is making it clear what his boundaries are, and Denise is crossing them with every opportunity.
Back at the love nest, Billie Jean is now confessing that she is in love with Tony. She says, “I didn’t believe in love at first sight, but now I believe in love in two days.” All of that confuses me because they are supposedly on day four now. Who can tell though, as the editing lies so far perpetrated by the producers of this quality programming have been numerous.
Tony shows off his domestication skills, cooking up a little Fish Helper and sitting down for a family meal. Billie Jean, now in love, has decided she has best learn a little bit about Tony, and she becomes frustrated when her question, “tell me about you”, is not answered with a six hour diatribe. The previews hinted last week that Tony blows up on Billie Jean, including the use of an F-bomb or two. In the grandest imitation of Mark Burnett, we see that there wasn’t any argument at all, and the F-bomb fell harmlessly in a non-populated area.
You Think These People are Annoying, Wait Until You Meet Their Friends
Surprise visitors arrive the next morning. Not surprisingly, Billie Jean’s friend and roommate Duane (you remember him from the selection shows right?) has arrived, and he brings Paige with him. Duane tells us that he could “see the affection” between these two, and that tells me that they must have spent yesterday evening christening the villa.
Duane and Paige are concerned because they can tell Billie Jean is falling for Tony, and they have seen this before. They quiz Billie and Tony about their feelings, and she admits that she is falling for him. Tony gives an honest answer, but perhaps one Billie Jean didn’t want to hear, saying that he can’t say for sure. Billie Jean is now afraid of being hurt. Just quit jumping up and down on the bed Billie Jean, and you will reduce the risk of injury significantly.
Xavier’s sister Virginie, and his friend Mike show up at the door, and just in time. At least now Xavier will have someone to talk with. The friends sense the problems almost immediately. Mike confesses that he found Jennifer to be “cold”, while Viriginie just comes right out and says it, in broken English, “is she not attracted to my brother?” Jennifer hesitates a long time before giving an evasive answer. Xavier decides to give up saying, “My patience has a limit, and we have reached that limit.”
Denise’s visitor is her sister Dawn. Sister eh? I just don’t see the resemblance, but no matter, as Dawn is a pretty up front kind of gal, and she joins in on the Steven bash fest, telling him, “you need to open up more.” Now Steven confesses to us that the reason he is so cautious is that he likes to be the hunter, and not the hunted. Therefore he is feeling a lot of pressure. I think he probably should have told Denise that.
As they sit by the pool though, it begins to appear that Dawn is flirting with Steven. It isn’t like Steven isn’t responding a bit either. This is upsetting to Denise, who wants Dawn to shut up, and finally blurts out, “we had no problems before you got here!” Meow!
Later that evening, the battle continues under the sheets as Denise pursues Steven. She tries a new tactic and demands to know if Steven just isn’t attracted to her. She wonders out loud if he might be more attracted to her were she to lose 30lbs. Steven says he doesn’t like her talking that way, and confesses to us that he decided to give in to… er… give himself to her. Yeah that was it, give himself to her. In any event, it definitely appears that pity-sex was involved, and if nothing else, Denise wasn’t quite so needy the next day.
Rest assured that all is still good back at the Jill and Kevin perfect-couple-villa. Kevin’s friends Robert and Johnny drop by. Everyone seems to have a great time. The only complaint anyone has involves Robert wondering out loud if their affection is limited to the physical sense.
The Only Thing That Surprised Me Was That FOX Took So Long to Bring in the Sex Therapist
Dr. Pepper Schwartz… no I didn’t screw that up, it is Dr. Pepper… is here to talk to the couples individually about their sexual desires and habits. I wonder if Mr. Pibb is one of her clients.
All of this is presented as some kind of important component of their compatibility in this grand experiment. I agree, good sex is important in a marriage, but I am not sure how some of the topics Dr. Pepper got into were anything more than gratuitous television.
But hey, I am a big fan of gratuitous sex on television, so I watched with some fascination as Steven and Denise discussed their affection, or lack there of. Steven said it best, based upon the events of the previous evening, when he says, “we have only begun to scratch the surface of our affection.” Yes indeed, I believe that someone’s itch finally got scratched.
The doctor presses on, and we learn that both Denise and Steven enjoy the missionary position, or rather the military position as Steven calls it. I am relieved though, for if he had said ‘mercenary’ position, I would have immediately pegged him as more compatible with Melissa from Joe Millionaire. Steven also has a schoolgirl fantasy, and while I was disappointed that Fox chose to air some of that footage, I was happy that at least it wasn’t Steven in the schoolgirl outfit.
The good news is that Steven and Denise seem to suddenly have the hots for each other, after only one session. Perhaps I shouldn’t mock this doctor after all. I’ll be more impressed if she can do something about Jennifer and Xavier…
Xavier and Jennifer look about as comfortable as two complete strangers would be discussing intimate details of their lives. Someone should just put these two out of their misery already. They don’t seem to agree about anything sexually either, so they remain consistent in their mutual disdain. This is going so badly that we don’t even learn what their fantasy is.
Billie Jean continues on her crusade to convince herself that this is more than a sexually based relationship. She informs the doctor that sex is important, but her feelings for Tony are different. I think they must have edited out Dr. Pepper saying “yes, well fine, but that isn’t what I asked you.”
In reality, the good doctor would probably do well to sit down and take notes from Billie Jean. She knows what she likes and how to get it. Tony would like a French Maid clad Billie Jean, and he gets that later on in the evening.
Jill and Kevin are last on the couch, and Jill lets us know that she is adventurous. No surprise there, but Kevin looks worried. He says that he isn’t in to being whipped. Oh, you are whipped alright Kevin… you are very whipped.
Apparently the perfect couple’s fantasy is to get jiggy with it in a pool, followed by some re-enactment of the Bull Durham bathtub scene. After which Jill gives Kevin the okay to complete his mission. I could have sworn that she gave that okay back on day two, but here we are again, confusing editing. Either way, these two are definitely in to each other, and remain the front runners to win the prizes.
Three Blind Jerks
Preparations begin for the next elimination ceremony.
Billie Jean is happy, but is getting tired of trying to defend her attraction to Tony. Steven and Denise discuss it, and they wish to stay. In confession though Steven sounds a little less certain.
The couples gather, and Sean gives us the usual rundown. This is important, yadda yadda, you control your fate, yadda yadda, now let’s bring in the experts, yadda yadda. Overall, it seems that the panel was looking to put the couples under stress tonight in order to gage their reactions. Either that, or they are a bunch of a-holes. Take your pick.
Don starts off the festivities by insulting Kevin’s resume, and asking him if he has a financial plan in life. Kevin says that he isn’t concerned with that, and he will take care of his wife. Dr. Jenn isn’t going to let it go that easily, as she notes that Jill loves to shop (and gee, what a shocker that tidbit is eh?). Jill responds that she can make sacrifices for her marriage. Once again I think to myself, if this is the worst they can come up with, these two are golden. Jeez, it is not as if this couple would be the first one to have a disagreement about money.
Don turns his sights on Steven next, grilling him about Dawn’s visit, and her comments that he needed to be more intimate with her sister. Denise jumps in to defend her man, and indicates that things are getting better… I would say so, little miss schoolgirl.
Miss P demands to know if Steven is being honest about his attraction. I realize now that Miss P only has one question for any contestant, no matter the context of the discussion, that being are they attracted to the other. No matter, as Steven has a good answer. He tells the panel that they have no idea what it is these couples are going through, and that he will not apologize to them for his behavior. Bravo Steven!
Though scolded, Don is not deterred, he turns to Billie Jean wants her comments regarding her friend’s assertion that she really isn’t in love, and that this is all about sex. Billie responds saying that yes there has been sex, but it has only been about 1% of the time… so now I am thinking that perhaps Tony’s nickname is Minuteman…
What impressed me though was that much like Denise, Tony stepped in to defend his partner. He was quite forceful too, and I am convinced that he does have strong feelings for Billie Jean. She looked visibly relieved to see him do that as well, probably reassuring some of her earlier fears.
It’s time to turn our attention to the one hapless couple remaining, Xavier and Jennifer. There really is no doubt that these two are the bootees tonight, but hey, we got the cameras rolling, so lets go ahead and piss them off shall we?
Dr Jenn asks her namesake about the issue of chemistry between her and Xavier. Jennifer replies that she is much less touchy than Xavier is, but that she doesn’t feel she has treated him poorly.
Don wants Xavier’s view of the situation, and Mr. Out-of Patience cuts loose, that he is hurt from feeling rejected. He says that this Married by America, not Make Friends in America. Gone is the never say die attitude we saw in him last week, and Xavier pretty much demonstrates that he has no desire to spend another moment in her presence.
Jennifer counters that she is concerned about opening up, and that for her, it takes quite some time. Don decides to bring in the psychologist weapons of mass destruction, and he calls Jennifer “cold, brittle, and distant.”
Bam! Direct hit!
Jennifer is extremely upset now. But there is no more time left for that, as we need to make a decision. Sean reminds the panel that their decision is extremely important, so they should probably think about it.
I’m Sorry, But We Will Need Your Villa Keys Please
The panel huddles, but one can only imagine what they discussed. It is clear that Xavier and Jenn are leaving, so perhaps Miss P was sharing recipes for her famous pumpkin pie. Finally they hand the note to Sean and we learn that…
Jennifer and Xavier are leaving. What a cliffhanger!
Jennifer needs to get a few things off of her tightly bound chest though, and she tells the board that if she had encountered doctors like them in the outside world, she would be looking for a new therapist.
Bam! Right back at ya Doc!
We endure the meaningless ring ceremony. Why does she need to give it back to Xavier, and then force Xavier to walk it back to Sean? It just seems so much more convenient to toss it on the nightstand, exchange a high-five, and head on out to the taxi.
Regardless, Xavier and Jennifer pack up, share a hug, and go on their separate ways. I am convinced that unless there is a reunion show, these two will never utter another word to each other ever again. That doesn’t stop them from getting their frustrations out with us though.
Xavier notes that Jennifer needed to relax, and he wonders if she has ever relaxed in her life. I am guessing that Jennifer has a Day-timer, and in that Day-timer is a long list of things to do everyday, all prioritized, and on that list is indeed a line item called “relax”. I can see Jennifer now, in her office, taking her five minutes of relax time… ahhhh… so refreshing… okay back to work!
Jennifer has already forgotten about Xavier and still wants to complain about the board. Clearly their comments hit home a little for her, as she continues to repeat them word for word, “cold, brittle, and distant”.
The three remaining couples move out of the villa’s and it is meet the parents all over again. Remember Jill’s crazy father from the first selection show? Well he is back, and better than ever, wife-beater shirt and all. It should be fun.
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