Married by America: Episode Three Recap
Married by America
Episode Three – Recap
Nice to Meet You
This week, our five contestants meet, and become ‘engaged’ to the choices America determined would be the best fit. How would they react to the first meeting? Would anyone be disappointed? Would anyone flash the crowd by hiking up their skirt during the show? What if some loon who was already married decided to jump in and give it a shot anyhow?
Yes, this is a Fox show, so anything is possible, except of course for the long promised “marriage, sight unseen”. We warned you about the fallacy of that statement long ago. So what did they actually agree to do? Read on my friends, read on…
Jill – Career Gal
After a very brief recap of last week (thank you, thank you, thank you), Sean is front and center, ready for action. Stand back everyone, I am Sean, super host!
Jill is up first and her two finalists were Markus, the Silicon Valley guy who trimmed his beard for the big night and Kevin, a former baseball player turned marketing consultant.
Sean displays the engagement ring for our two very nervous suitors, and with a very serious face communicates the gravity of the moment. Finally we are told that Kevin won the vote. Markus looks quite sad, it obvious he wanted to win. Who knows Markus, you may well have won by losing.
It is time for the big proposal, though for the life of me I can’t figure out why someone would say ‘no’ now. Maybe something like, “I can smell your breath from here dog face! No way!” Otherwise, this should be a pretty safe proposal.
Nevertheless, Sean returns to somber mode and says he is required to ask Kevin to commit to the engagement. “Required to”? What is this, some kind of double secret law of reality television? Don’t go back on your word here Kevin, we have this on tape mister. You don’t want Rudy and the RTV police coming down on your ass!
Kevin agrees, and the foggy shield of pending doom lowers. It has a little hand hole in it, and that hole will create some of the most awkward moments of the show. Clearly the ladies were instructed to stand facing a certain way during the ceremony, but then that forces them to contort their bodies in an obviously uncomfortable manner to extend their hand for the ring.
No matter though, as Kevin dives right into his engagement speech. He notes that Jill has a beautiful hand, and says that he may not yet be her perfect match, but he is going to try. She makes a comment, and he responds with the always telling “typical woman” in reference to her interrupting him. Hmm… could we have trouble here already? Probably not, as Jill says yes, the shield of doom rises slowly, and these two meet for the first time. It is obvious they like each other. There is a big hug, and they immediately begin to talk.
Sean wants to know their first impressions, and Jill says that she is nervous and excited. Sean asks Kevin if he is feeling good, and he says “God yes!”
We are told that they, along with the following four couples, will be spending five weeks together at Copper North Ranch on the California coast, and obviously the cameras will be watching every minute. Kevin and Jill leave the stage, arm in arm.
Matt – Funny Guy
Next up is Matt, and you may recall his finalists were Sally, the billing coordinator from Boston, and Cortez, whose parents were in an arranged marriage back in Puerto Rico. As they stand there, I have to say that Sally appears terrified (and who could blame her) and could bolt from the stage any second now. It’s kind of amazing how your subconscious tries to get you to do the right thing in stressful situations isn’t it?
Not to worry Sally, as Cortez was the odds on favorite to win the vote, and Sean confirms it. Out comes Matt, who walks to the other side of the shield of doom. He gives a charming engagement speech, saying that Cortez represents a fantasy to him (unless it is some kind of Victoria’s Secret brassiere fantasy… oh wait, maybe that is my fantasy… sorry, back to the recap…) , and that he hopes she will trust his intentions. Cortez responds that if Matt is like his family, she is sure everything will be good.
Matt also says that it is his birthday, and quite a present awaits him as the shield of doom rises. They meet. Matt is very happy, and says, “This is wild, I couldn’t be more happy. She is gorgeous.”
For her part, it is difficult to gage Cortez’s reaction. She is sweating a lot, but the lights are undoubtedly hot. She doesn’t speak much the rest of the way as they walk off stage. Clearly Matt and Cortez’s meeting is not as natural as Jill and Kevin’s, but I hope these two get to know each other, as they could really get along from what little we know.
Billie Jean – Happy Fun Gal
The irrepressible Billie Jean is up next, and this wild gal is faced with two good finalists. Tony, a car salesman who was described by the family as acting like one, yet here he is, and Kevin. We don’t need to remember much about Kevin, as he is booted by Sean quite quickly, and Tony is left to face his responsibility.
What a responsibility it must be, for Tony looks like he will lose his lunch. I shout at the screen for Sean to run and grab a Fear Factor chuck bucket, but thankfully we are interrupted by a commercial.
We return to find Tony only marginally more in control of his facilities when Sean asks him, “are you absolutely certain you are willing to commit to this engagement?” Tony replies with, “ahhhhh…………………..yes.”
Too late Tony, the shield of doom is lowered prior to Billie Jean making her walk down to the stage. She looks a lot better in this episode than she looked even back in the first week. What follows is one of the more entertaining exchanges of the program.
Billie Jean doesn’t immediately put her hand through the hole. Tony, already in near panic, is now in trouble. They promised him that she would put the hand through, and then he could make his cheesy speech. This is all wrong! What to do?
I’ve got it! Tony decides to knock on the shield.
Billie Jean is laughing now, as seems to be the norm, and responses with “Housekeeping! Housekeeping!”
Tony asks her to put her hand through, and says that even though they have never met, he likes her friends and is intrigued by what he has learned. He is looking forward to spending time with Billie Jean with open arms, open heart, and open mind.” Not bad they Tony, not bad.
The screen of doom begins to rise, and Billie Jean says that she is so nervous, she is going to throw up. Grab that chuck bucket again Sean, these two have something in common already.
They meet. Huge hugs ensue. So huge in fact that Tony’s hug proceeds to hike up the back of Billie Jean’s skirt, and I am guessing that anyone in the first few rows of that stage got a remarkable view of Billie Jean’s ‘assets’. Once again, Mom’s advice to always wear clean underwear comes in handy.
These two like each other, and they already can’t keep their hands off each other. Tony says he is originally from Wisconsin and that he likes cheese. Liking cheese immediately vaults him into top level fan status among many here at the FORT.
Somehow Billie Jean gets really out of control, slugs Tony playfully, and all the while is all over him on stage. Tony has recovered now, and to Billie’s request for him to bark like a dog, he replies that they will, “save that for later.”
I don’t know if these two will be marriage material, as I still doubt Billie Jean is ready for marriage, but I do know that Tony is in for a lot of fun over the coming weeks. Off the stage they trek to get to know each other better.
Jennifer – No One is Good Enough Gal
Next up is Jennifer, an Atlanta princess whose finalists were Xavier, a French clothing importer and all around suave kind of guy, and Scott, an occupational vagabond and wanna be politician.
Scott, you didn’t have a prayer. Sean announces Xavier as America’s choice. Scott gives Xavier the dirtiest look I have personally seen since my last tax audit.
Xavier is facing the screen of doom, and he quickly loses his slick persona. He says that “life is full of surprises, and they aren’t kidding”. He makes it though his proposal, and Jennifer accepts. They are both exceptionally nervous.
The screen comes up, and they greet each other laughing. It is a good laugh though. This couple looks like something out of a catalog, and they should be hawking fine European fashions. They look good together, but I don’t see any chemistry here at all. Based on that, they probably win.
Steven – No, He isn’t a Sopranos Guy
Finally, we come to Steven, the serious looking restaurateur from New York. His two finalists are Denise D., a sweet gal and crowd favorite. Or, Denise L., a formal bull rider, former Playboy model, and apparently formerly single. Yes, Denise L. is married.
Sean will deal with that issue soon enough, but first he wants to assure us that Denise D. won the vote anyhow, and in fact, won in a 3-1 landslide. I am not surprised; there really was no comparison between the two, especially based on what Steven asked for in his final plead.
So Denise D. wins and moves down the stage to stand by Sean. We aren’t done with Denise L. yet. Sean addresses her saying that she was not fully honest with America. When confronted with the being married facts, at first she tries to shake her head no.
Give it up Denise, you are nailed.
Sean keeps pressing the issue, and finally Denise bails out by just standing there smiling and refusing to answer questions. This makes her seem like the underdog in this conversation as Sean continues to pound the facts home like Jim Gray interviewing Pete Rose at the All-Star game.
Denise L. finally slinks away into oblivion, and one wonders what the hell she was thinking. You also wonder if anyone at Fox ever performs background checks on these contestants. Gee, this is a marriage show, and I suppose we might want to ensure the contestants are not currently married.
I imagine the casting call went something like this….
Denise L. arrives, wearing a wedding ring, and with a man in tow. “I want to apply to the show.”
Fox SuperAgent Investigator / Catering Clerk stares longingly at Denise’s ample chest. “Uhm, that’s not your husband is it?”
Denise L. leans over. “No, of course not sweetie!”
Back to the other Denise who looks stunned by these revelations, and is now standing behind the screen of doom waiting for Steven’s arrival. He gets right to it. “I hope you are the woman of my dreams, will you marry me?” Wow! Way to sweep her off her feet Steven!
The screen rises, allowing Steven and Denise to finally meet. They hug briefly, and Steven asks her if his family treated her well. Denise says that they did, and she is smiling.
First impressions include Steven saying, “pleasantly surprised”, and Denise repeatedly saying “It is all good”. Yet, they stand pretty far apart, and the chemistry isn’t there yet for this couple. I give them hope though as I think they might grow to like each other once they get out of the lights, and let’s face it, Denise had to be knocked off a little by the scandals that preceded her.
I am going to chalk it up to nerves, and wait to see how they do next week.
Tell Them What They Are Playing For Johnny O!
All five couples are brought back on stage. Sean tells us that the next phase of the show is also a competition. Each week, one of the five couples will be eliminated by vote from the ranch. Finally there will be two couples left, and whoever is chosen the winner by America will win quite an extravagant package, including a new luxury car, $100,000, and a new house.
The previews promise to hold more interest than the show has to date. Now our couples head out for their time at the ranch, and while Billie Jean and Tony seem to acclimate quickly, Xavier and Jennifer are arguing in the car, and over sleeping arrangements.
I wonder how tonight’s selection show could be live, as was implied, when in fact they have ample footage of the couples at the ranch? No matter, given this is FOX, all of us need to compromise a little to make it though the show.
Until next week, may your rationalizations be effective!
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Thanks for the recap, Bill! Very funny!
I loved the little titles you gave the contestants: Jill the "Career Gal", Matt the "Funny Guy", and my favorite Jennifer the "No One is Good Enough Gal". :lol You are on the money, except I myself would call Billie Jeane "Manic Coked Up Self-Promoting Bar Whore Gal".