Introduction to Fantastic Concept
As the show begins a dramatic voiceover tells us, "Fifteen women from across the country, are about to embark on a once in a lifetime search for true love." We are only half listening because we get sweeping views of yet another fabulous palatial estate, and the fifteen ladies gliding by in slo-mo. We hear them saying things like, "I believe in love at first sight," "I want a husband who loves me more than anything" and other statements taken directly from the "Reality Dating Show Journal for Dummies."
Rob is a criminal defense attorney from Dallas who is 33 years old. He learned how to prepare cases for court and argue for his clients and yet he believes in fairytales like this. He is looking for "true love" which is something he has "been longing for his whole life." Uh, ok Rob. You're fairly young, nice looking and you have a high powered career in Dallas, and you think you will find it among 15 women whom you have never laid eyes on? Well, let's see how this works.
We find out that there is a twist in this game show that has been already revealed in all OF the previews and still is not quite clear. There is a million bucks involved here, and the girls will get to choose between the money and Rob. Right now it appears that the money has a hell of a lot more personality than Rob, but let's take a deep breath And concentrate on what comes next. Our host, Jordan wags his finger at the ladies and says that Rob must NEVER know about the money and that this is a secret that they will have to keep. That's a tall order and there is a collective gasp from the group. "One of us here is a millionaire," and "this is one of the biggest secrets of my life" is heard from the various ladies who have now switched gears and are completely into the money aspect of the show. However, it is not that simple, girls -- you weren't listening. It is EITHER the man or the money, not BOTH. As backdrops to these observations we see Rob squiring the ladies around in boats and planes and frolicking in the snow indicating that good times are indeed ahead for those lucky ones that are selected. This is all happening before the ladies have even gotten to the home they will be sharing.
Now we see the caravan of stretch limos approaching the mansion in Bel Air as the girls are introduced to us. We have Christy, Lauren and Alima who is the requisite "virgin" saving herself for her husband. Then we meet Erin, Paige, Christina and Tracy who wants a "husband that will make my life better." Next the limos wind their way up Pacific Coast Highway as we hear Melanie tell us that she has been proposed to 5 times and she's ready for her "sixth engagement" while Laura lowers her shades to give Mel a closer look and to say that she's there to put all the other girls in their place. We see Catherine, Melissa and Kelly as the limos arrive at their destination. Kelly has vacationed in Vegas, Europe and the Hamptons and has even been to the ballet. I'm not impressed, I've been to Vegas too. Stacy, Cristy and Kirstin, a midwestern girl who prefers beer over Champagne. She and Kelly might knock heads down the road.
Jordan Murphy greets them. He knows they are anxious to meet their intended, but he advises them to choose a room and make themselves comfortable. It is evident that Jordan has never played host before but has watched plenty of other hosts, most notably Chris from the Bachelor. Jordan has decided that he was going to stretch the pauses even longer than Chris ever did and make a name for himself in Holy Hosthood. However, it has just the opposite effect. It just makes it unbearable to listen to him drag everything out.
The Importance of Money
Host JordanAirhead comes into their midst and tells them to look good and meet him in the Main Room in one hour. Chaos ensues. Should they dress up, or make do with denim? They are thrown into a tizzy but manage to get themselves downstairs in time for Jordan to hand eachof them a check for a million dollars as he solemnly declares, "The woman who wins his heart, the one he chooses above all others will win $1,000,000.00. Do the math girls, this is just not going to fly. They are not giving away $15 million, only 1 million. However, they are in such a state that they cannot see how out of control this show is spinning. There is much speculation about what will happen now, but one thing is for sure. The stakes have been raised and the claws are sharpened. Jordan announces that "the man of your dreams will be arriving tomorrow" and proceeds to take back the checks that he had just distributed and lays them in a flat shiny case that literally glows like it was borrowed from the "Pulp Fiction" prop department.
Now we enter into the all-important discussion of how the money will change the group dynamics. Oh really? One of the girls says "I know people whos annual salary is more than a million." This must be Kelly. I'm already getting used to her haughty/phony ways. Christy says, "Any girl can marry a millionaire." She is unbelievable and has seen way too many 50s movies. The others commiserate about how serious things will get and there won't be any pillow fights and fun stuff like that.
Preparing for the Big Event
Morning sun is shining brightly in Bel-Air while the girls run out and do their workouts in preparation for that evening. They lounge around later and tell each other how gorgeous they are while secretly thinking evil thoughts. They plan their outfits and ask each other's advice and before you know it, the time has come. Rob awaits outside the house and there is a long walk before each girl makes eye contact with him. Things get really awkward after that because we find out that Rob has the personality of a tree frog. I would not hire this guy for my attorney if I was innocent, he would lose the case for sure.
He is distinctly uncomfortable as he meets and greets the ladies with dramatic phrases like "thanks for coming," "very nice to meet you" and "I'll see you downstairs." After each one of them leaves, he says, "I really liked her dress, it was low cut with a piece of metal," or "she had some spunk." Yeah, a lot more than you, pal. Suddenly, he got inspired and a spate of "do you like all the other girls?" ensues, followed by "Oh, really?" Like they'll tell you anything. They're keeping an even bigger secret from you, Rob. Oh, if you only knew.
Now everyone has gathered with the obligatory champagne and Rob is being bombarded with tons of questions, none of which he can seem to answer. It has turned into a veritable Tower of Babel, and you can hardly blame him. Shortly thereafter, he bids them all a good night and shuffles off to his bachelor pad with a glass of Champagne. Jordan, the master of the obvious states, "so, you've met Rob" "shall I bring him back?" Oh that's hilarious, Jordan, who writes this stuff for you?
The girls decide to continue the party that had just started and a few of them really get carried away. Particularly, Kelly and Christy who polished off the remaining Champagne. They party on until 5 AM during which time they have been loud and have gone through the other girls things, going so far as to scribble on poor Paige's already heartbreakingly primitive paintings.
Time to Pay the Piper
The next morning they are not even contrite and Kelly says, "I don't care that we woke people up." They are all at the breakfast table when bad girl Christy comes carefully down the stairs wearing sunglasses and saying weird crazy things and offers to "repaint" Paige's art work. Huh? The girls decide that Christy is "ignorant" and I agree with them.
Suddenly, it's lunch time and as they sit at their communal table, Rob decides to pay a suprise visit. The girls are caught short and some rush out for breath mints and lip gloss, others just feel trapped. Rob decides to have the girls take turns sitting next to him, so he can exchange more captivating banter with them. The hungover Christy provides the following nugget, "my mom is 5'1" and my dad is 6'2". See what alcohol does to your already dwindling brain cells? Another girl confides, "this is the first time I have been on a [sic] airplane!" Wow. Rob discovers that Paige wears a "promise ring" but she claims she gave it to herself. Could this be a Kirstin-type cover-up? Suddenly, as quickly as he arrives, he departs with a breezy wave and claims he now has something he can "base his decisions on." Good on ya, dude!
Elimination Round is Here
The ladies are all lined up on the staircase as they await their fate. Host Jordan greets them and announces that five of them are going home. They need to pack their belongings immediately upon receiving the news of their rejection. Good luck, he tells them.
Now we cut to Rob who by his own admission has been thinking all damn day and he is overwhelmed. Aw Robbie, that must have been tough for you. However, Rob knows that there is a perfect man out there for each of the dismissed women and that's going to make him feel better real soon.
Time for roll call. He calls Christina and tells her he wants her to stay. She was thrilled because she had already super-glued her fingers together to keep them crossed. Alima has a nice dress so she gets to stick around. The axe falls on Catherine. He starts out with "you look great, you're an adventuress and a self-starter" BUT...there goes the first axe. He likes and keeps Melissa. He likes her dress too because it's "sparkly." It's Stacey's turn and he tells her "wow, you're tall," kisses her cheek and asks her to stay. Whew. This is as exciting as watching dust motes. Kirsten is his next victim because even though she "loves her job" it's just not "going to work out." That girl must have been relieved. He keeps Erin because he likes her pants and asks if she likes to dance (pants-dance, is that it?) What's with this guy? Even though Cristy C. has a "great dress" and "lots of courage," there is someone better suited for her than Rob. Off she goes.
There are six more to go and we have a break, thank heavens. I need to get some fresh air just about now. Before we break, there is the ominous warning that for those that are dismissed there will be "no man, no money, no limo home." Life can be so cruel.
Lauren is summoned next with a big sigh and the declaration that "I just want to talk to you more." Tracey is not so lucky. Here's what she gets, "I, uh, like you. It seems like you've traveled a lot so you must be kind of a free spirit, BUT (uh oh) I don't think it's going to work out." Lord, have mercy. Melanie bravely approaches Rob but it's okay because she "looks great" and she "speaks Spanish." He likes that so she's in. Kelly is very confident as our guy hands her a Hershey's kiss because she had previously gifted him with cookies to curry favor. It works, she gets to hang around and gloat some more. Laura for some reason gets spared the prolonged agony of hemming and hawing and Rob tells her "you're great, you're in, you're in" and pats her back. She says she's relieved but "tainted" by the thought of the next elimination round. There's a creative use of that word not even I have thought of. At this point, I would kill for another episode of Mr. Personality. My mind wanders as I keep hoping that Cristy H. will be the last to be eliminated since only two girls are left and I rather like Paige and her crumby art. Rob really puts us through the paces with this one. He says to Paige, "I enjoyed talking to you today, you seem very sure of yourself, BUT (oh noooooo) you're 21 and I'm a lot older than you. So what I'm trying to say, I guess...(STOP IT, Rob)...I hope you can stay." What? Did I hear right? I did not think I could feel happy at this point, but that is suddenly how I am feeling. That means that Christy is g-o-n-e. Sweet Karma. Thank you Lord Vishnu. Cristy H. does not disappoint with her lispy closing statement, "things happen for a reason."
Behind Closed Doors
We hear Jordan tell the five eliminated ladies as he leads them to the room they hoped they'd never have to see, "it is time for you to enter and end your journey." Talk about adding insult to injury, they get to tear up their million dollar checks (see? I told ya!) and toss them into the blazing fireplace. One lady says it for the rest, "No money, no man -- back to the drawing board." And so ends the first two hours of "For Love or Money" as yellow cabs whisk our women out of Rob's life forever.
This was my first journey into recap world and I hope you enjoy the read. If you have comments you would like to make, please send to firstname.lastname@example.org.