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Thread: 8/9 Finale recap: "One Million Goodbyes"

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    Wonky snarkmistress Lucy's Avatar
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    8/9 Finale recap: "One Million Goodbyes"

    I’m wearing red pants today. (And I know the British think “pants” means “underwear”, but they’re wrong. I’m talking trousers here, people.) I love these red pants. I wear them when I’m feeling sassy, because you can’t be quiet in fire-engine red pants. You don’t blend into a crowd in red pants. You don’t softly murmur “sorry” when someone bumps into YOU, or sit in a quiet corner and say “No thanks, I don’t care to dance” when you’re wearing red pants.

    I mention my pants to make the point that they usually make me feel particularly sassy and snarky. They are le pantalones de snarque. For those of you who don’t speak Made-Up-French, that’s “the pants of snark.” First person to call me Miss Snarkypants will be glared at wrathfully. You’ve been warned.

    But I fear that even the snarky red pants cannot sustain me through this gargantuan finale of “For Love or Money.” I sat through two hours of show, a lot more of note-taking, and then tried to write this. By now, I’m just hoping the pants give up some of their ju-ju to help me out here. I’m trying to make jokes where warranted. I might miss some of them, but trust me, you don’t want to point them out to me. After all, I’m wearing red pants. Trousers.

    An Eye for an Eye, A Dollar for a Dollar
    First the producers make us endure a reminder of how we got here, flashing back to the previous FLOM in which Rachel, our current bachelorette, and her arch-enemy Andrea were both dissed by the poofy-haired Preston. As is becoming the norm, a dumping on national TV earned them a chance to become the dumpers in the show’s second half, where a dozen or so men chose Rachel, then competed to be the last schmuck standing. Now, the game is down to the final three men, Rachel having ruthlessly culled the rest of them from the herd.

    We open with the three remaining men ironing, eating and contemplating the weighty importance of being in the final three. As David helpfully tells us, the shrunken size of the group is evident because “the rooms are a lot more quiet.” An excellent and obscure observation, my friend. He is obviously the brains of these three musketeers.

    Jordan gathers the three in a room to tell them to gather in another room – the vault. In a startling flash of insight, Mike takes this trip to the vault as a clue that the meeting might have something to do with money. Caleb jokes that he and his $1 check are excited about visiting the vault, as anything to do with it or cash has got to be an improvement for him. Oh wait, that wasn’t a joke, it was the truth.

    In the vault, it turns out this meeting does indeed have to do with money! Well spotted, Mike. Jordan is offering the three men the chance to switch out their checks – they all know how much their check is worth – for a mystery check. He opens a box with four checks, two of which are worth $1 and two of which are worth $1 million.

    Jordan then reveals what can only be a serious background in sales, as he tries to convince the men to swap their checks. His voice speeds up, and he begins to drop phrases like “increase your value”, “odds” and “low APR financing.” He also smoothly clinches the deal by noting that if the men swap their check, and should happen to choose love, they’re covered – they can just tell Rachel they were never in it for money because they didn’t know the value of their check.

    This is quite a lot of wasted breath, because two of the men – Caleb and David – have $1 checks anyway. I mean, a squirrel could figure out what they’re going to choose. Still, let us go through the exercise.

    Mike’s check is worth $250,000. He tells us the mystery million-dollar checks are the most money he’s ever stared at, despite the fact that the check values are hidden and he’s really just staring at a box of blank checks. In the only surprising moment in this charade, Mike chooses to swap his check for a mystery one. He says this is to signal that his intentions are pure, and he hopes not knowing his check’s value will make money less of an issue going forward.

    Caleb swaps because he had nothing to lose, and even if he decides to choose love, it’s nice to think he has options.

    The men are unsure what David’s choice will be, because for some reason they think his check has more than one number on it. When he swaps, they’re surprised.

    Jordan helpfully reviews exactly what we just saw happening, then reminds the men that to cash those checks, they have to woo Rachel. Their chance begins right now, as they each go off on a one-on-one, 24-hour fantasy date with her.

    David gets the first one, but before he goes, he has to ask the other guys how much money they thought he originally had. They name high figures – he giggles and admits to having been a $1 pauper. The guys are also surprised that Mike switched checks. But Mike says he doesn’t want to think about money and says now, “it’s a stress-free environment.”

    “Except a girl you just gave up $250,000 for is going to hang out with him for 24 hours,” Caleb points out, indicating David. David laughs the laugh of the young and clueless, while Mike looks sour. Caleb reminds Mike and David that no matter how much connection they may think they have with her, she’s hanging out with the other two as well. I don’t think that has escaped their attention, Caleb, but thanks.

    It’s Hard to Kiss Well When You Have the Sharp Teeth of a Man-Eater
    Rachel approaches in a limo, applying her secret weapon, lip gloss. She says this date with David is a chance to find out what he’s thinking. David always seems to say the right thing, but Rachel worries that he’s simply mouthing lines to disguise his true, diabolical nature. She’s not sure she trusts him. He’s too nice. Which tells us, perhaps, something about the kind of people Rachel is used to dealing with.

    Here we begin what will be a frequent and tiresome tactic of having Rachel and the three men tell us, over and over, their thoughts on whether they might eventually choose love or – say it with me, people – money. For the men, these complex problems have largely to do with wondering who-all Rachel is kissing (that would be everyone), what Rachel is thinking (about who’s the biggest sucker) and whether David can really be as naïve as he seems to be (he is. And they didn’t wonder that. Not out loud. But you know you did.) Every one of them leans toward taking the money at some point, and every one of them leans toward choosing Rachel at some point. For her part, Rachel talks a lot about money, and a little about love. It’s boring, it’s repetitive, and by this point it doesn’t really matter. I know you’re all just scrolling to the end of this to see who she picked, anyway. If I included every little thought they all have, the joke would be on you, because we’d never get to the end. I’d be a little old gray-haired lady in too-young-for-her red pants by then. My point is, we’re skipping that crap. As much as possible, at least.

    David and Rachel’s date is at some sort of resort. David tells her she has all the qualities he looks for in a girl, and reels off a checklist that’s probably got color-coded tabs in the filing cabinet of his head. He wants a girl who is funny, honest, has good family values and will be his best friend. For some unfathomable reason, he believes – or claims to believe – that Rachel embodies these traits. I beg to differ, but then I don’t have to roll around with her on a beach, so I guess I don’t get a vote here.

    Rachel tells us she’s trying not to be too skeptical of David, but she’s been burned before. We see a helpful purply flashback to another fantasy date, on another beach, with another man. Rachel believed everything Preston told her back then – I believe her phrase at the time had something to do with him being wrapped around her finger – and all that trust “didn’t get me anywhere in the end.” I will refrain from pointing out that it got her here, to her own show. Anyway, she learned her lesson, and now when David says she fits his list, Rachel takes it with a grain of salt. Nor is she sure, despite their physical attraction, that he sees her as someone he’d pick over $1 million – the true test of love in Rachel-world.

    Rachel asks David a question about the future. I didn’t really understand what she said, but his answer to whatever future roadblock she proposed is for them to “become rich.” He makes it sound like something you could do just by holding your breath, or blinking hard like in I Dream of Jeannie. His mention of money makes Rachel nervous. Because she also remembers another lesson learned from her first go on the FLOM merry-go-round – that the producers get very twisty with those checks. In fact, she inadvertently lights on the truth, saying, “They could all have mystery checks, because that’s what happened to me last time.” If that’s so, Rachel concludes, she’s in a better position because the men might choose her out of fear of a $1 check. And if that makes her feel better, the girl has some serious issues. I mean, if a man were to tell me he’d pick me over a dollar, that’s fine, but he shouldn’t expect me to be too flattered, because it’s not like he’s giving up a lot. Twenty dollars, maybe.

    Later, during the reality-dating-show-requisite cuddling-by-a-fire, David brings up the other two men. Rachel says it’s weird dating three men. She tells us she likes that it troubles him, as this could indicate real interest in her. Eventually, as everything does with Rachel, cuddling leads to kissing. In a hilarious moment, David informs us that actually, the limber-tongued Rachel --- actually isn’t all that good a kisser. I am cracking up that he outed her as a bad kisser on national TV. Personally you couldn’t give me a million dollars to get a national rep as a bad kisser. And David doesn’t leave it there. He tells us he doesn’t get “100 percent spark” or “go wow in my mind” when she kisses him. I’m not sure what degree of a bad kisser she is, so he may go wow in other places. Fortunately – or not – the camera remains trained on their faces through this revelation, and we watch Rachel lap at the poor boy as he disses her skills. What if, David muses, he gives up the money for her, and the wow never materializes? In a gimme piece of editing, we cut to Rachel purring that she can read David and she doesn’t think he’s playing her for the money.

    Back at the house, Caleb and Mike are discussing the relevance of Rachel’s wandering tongue to their respective feelings for her. Caleb is seriously bothered by the idea – for some reason, he doesn’t quite state it for the reality that it is – of Rachel kissing all three of them. He’s keeping that possibility in mind because at the end, it’s a choice. Yes, that choice is STILL between love and money. Anyway, her behavior is a point against her in Caleb’s book.

    But not in Mike’s, who doesn’t seem terribly bothered by it. He does seem curious about Caleb’s obsession with who Rachel is kissing, and asks Caleb if he’s jealous.
    “Not jealousy,” Caleb answers. “It’s just about having class.” Or not having it, as Rachel’s case may be. Caleb says if Rachel is saying the same sweet things to all of them, and kissing all of them, then that would be reason enough to choose the money over her.

    Meanwhile, Rachel and David are returning from their date, making out in the limo. For someone who isn’t wowed by Rachel’s kissing technique, David sure is partaking of it a lot.

    You Better Believe Me When I Lie to You
    Rachel is hoping to get a better sense of Caleb during this overnight date. He, on the other hand, means to put her on the spot about the kissing issue. Not one to waste time, he begins this on-the-spot-putting before they even get into the limo, refusing Rachel’s attempt at a kiss on the grounds that she “smells like David.” Well, she probably does, because David just popped out of that same limo not five minutes before, and I think the men crossed paths in the foyer.

    Oblivious to this truth, Rachel pouts. They sit on opposite sides of the car for probably about as long as it took to get the shot of that pose, before Rachel can no longer stand being ignored and starts pressing Caleb for affection. It scares her that he can turn off feelings he seemed to have just a few days before. She seems to have conveniently forgotten that on their last date, she literally had to sit on him and pester him before he’d kiss her. It looks like such subtle tactics are called for again. Which is good, because they seem to be the only tactics in her arsenal.

    As sitting on his lap hasn’t worked this time – yet – Rachel regroups and attempts sweet talk. She claims that it feels right with him and he’s what she wants. Caleb responds to this transparent twaddle with a roll of the eyes, saying she could have said the same things to the other guys. In fact, I think she did.

    Rachel decides that either Caleb is jealous because he really likes her, or he’s looking for an excuse to take the money and run. Caleb tells us Rachel’s aggressiveness is rather scary – amen, brother – and she could be playing a game. Eventually the uncomfy pair arrive at some stone cottage, where Rachel keeps trying to nudge the date in the direction she wants it to go, which involves physically nudging Caleb’s arm around her waist.

    At the men’s house, David wonders aloud whether Caleb will hold out on kissing Rachel. Mike says Caleb promised to resist. David thinks that’s silly, because you can’t gauge a romantic connection without kissing. Mike declares he won’t date a bad kisser. “You don’t have to tell me that,” David says, although the fact that he’s still there indicates that he, in fact, would.

    Returning to the main event, Rachel wants Caleb to think her feelings are real, but he needs to give a little back and trust her. In other words, he needs to be a fool. Caleb jokes to her that these fancy dates will spoil her; Rachel takes it as another dig at her three-boyfriend status and pouts. Finally, she angrily insists that her feelings are real, and it’s his choice whether to believe her.

    In a moment of insight that he doesn’t even realize, Caleb muses that this is, after all, a game, and “maybe she gets my check if I choose her.” Oh, so close, Caleb.

    But he feels bad for doubting, and finally props Rachel up on a rock and gives her the kiss she’s so blatantly been after. He tells us he tends to change his mind a lot when it comes to romance, and he doesn’t want to give up the money for Rachel then go off her two weeks later.

    The final verdict is that Caleb leaves the date feeling that their connection grew, while Rachel fears he doesn’t know her well enough to choose her over the money.

    He Trusts Me, He Trusts Me Not
    We’re down to the last date, which is Mike. Rachel thinks he has a big check, and she hopes to make him really fall for her on this overnighter. Mike greets Caleb in the hall then goes out to the limo, where he sweeps Rachel up in a bear hug as Caleb spies from a window.

    Rachel tells us she’s not sure she and Mike are compatible in the long-term, and perhaps he’s more of a chance at money. But to get that, she needs to see that he’s completely taken by her. She thinks he has his mind on his money and his money on his mind.
    Mike acknowledges that he is thinking about the cash more than he expected to be.

    Their date is in a historic hotel, and downstairs they spot a tour bus waiting for them. They settle into the upstairs, open-air seats, where the conversation turns to the future. Rachel claims to be here for a long-term relationship, and Mike tells us he thinks they’re both being honest with each other. That makes him feel secure. I pity the fool.

    Rachel plays it up further, swearing to Mike that she’s being genuine. Her claims to him are cut with comments to the camera about how she’s playing a game. I’m thinking that even if she chooses him in the end, he’s going to be out of there as soon as he sees this scene, no matter how much blame may lie with the editing.

    Back at the house, David also thinks Rachel is genuine, but muses that the other two men might have just as good a connection with Rachel as he does. Caleb trots out for David his theory that “if she gets one of these chumps to fall in love with her, maybe she gains.” You can never go wrong being skeptical on these shows.

    Mike is struggling with the idea of developing a relationship with Rachel, versus financial security for the rest of his life. Rachel, who wants the financial security all to herself, croons that he’s beautiful and – taking a bit far, I thought – says she could move to L.A. “and just commute to Denver for work.” Ok, first of all, isn’t that L.A.-to-Denver commute a bit FAR? I hope she remembers that if that scenario became real, she wouldn’t have the million to pay for all those commuter flights. And that’s just assuming she was seriously contemplating such a thing, which of course is completely not so, so I don’t know why I’m bothering to dispute it. She’s just trying to make him think she’s taking this all very seriously. But she comes off sounding like a psycho. Even Mike is a bit freaked at the idea her feelings might have grown to that point – far beyond his own, evidently. But, he clings to the idea that perhaps she’s just trying to explore the possibilities.

    They kiss, and apparently he whispers a question about who is she going to choose. Rachel tells us that she couldn’t tell him that, but that he asked for a one-wink-yes or two-winks-no, so she winked. Once. He laughs and looks happy. More kissy-face. Later on, during yet more making out, Mike nearly slips and says “I could never give you up for—“ he meant to say money, but quickly changed it to “anything.” He tells us he couldn’t shut someone out of his life just for some cash, so that makes his decision pretty easy.

    Rachel, meanwhile, tells us she has “invested too much to walk out of here with nothing again.”

    Love Means Never Having to Have Fun
    Ok, finally these dates are done, and Rachel has to eliminate one of the three men. Naturally it’s time to take the emotional pulse of the group, something that must happen so often as to take up entire days, judging from how friggin’ OFTEN we have to see these people whine about their choice. Love or money, we GET IT. Caleb says being in the final two would put him closer to a million dollars, although he neglects to remember that his check might not be worth that, in which case he’d only be close to a million dollars by virtue of standing next to Rachel.
    David felt fantastic during his date, but now is worried about the other men.
    And Mike thinks Caleb will be the one to go.

    The three get a last shot at convincing Rachel to keep them. David tells her he had a great time and they clicked. Mike says he had fun and wants to keep having fun and it’s up to her. Rachel derides this as “not very promising.” I really think it’s kind of funny that she views “fun” and “romantic interest” as mutually exclusive.

    Caleb is still having a bad day, evidently, and after sitting there, looking at her mistrustfully, he tells her it’s up to her and departs. Rachel wanted to hear about how he misses her or something, so that exchange “left me with a bad taste in my mouth.” I could make a crass joke here, but I think you can just imagine it by yourselves.

    Finally, the elimination:
    Mike: Rachel saw something there from the beginning, he’s beautiful, she sees a lot of good in him, he’s open and real. He stays.

    David: She had a great time in a nice romantic setting. She says friendship is important, and right then, as soon as she says the f-word, I know he’s gone. Sure enough, Rachel sees them as just friends – there’s not enough spark. He’s gone.
    David tells us that since Rachel “literally would not stop kissing me,” he finds her choice a bit revealing of her personality. Burning his check later on – turns out it was $1 million – David says he knows her feelings aren’t real, so he doesn’t regret missing out on a relationship with her. He doesn’t rehash that whole “bad kisser” thing, but you know he’s thinking it.

    Caleb: Rachel had an awesome time on their date despite its rocky start. Their connection grew and she finds herself falling more and more for him. Obviously, he stays.
    In an aside, Caleb tells us that if Rachel isn’t genuine, he practically has to give her props for faking it so well.

    Chocolate Syrup Is Not An Ice-Breaker
    At last, we’re down to the meat of the show. It’s the last hour, the one in which Rachel and the men all make their various twisty little choices.

    Mike seems to be heading into the end on the moral high road, saying that he doesn’t think anyone is worth crossing out of his life just for money.

    Caleb is still trying to not be played. He fears choosing Rachel over the money only for it to not work out.

    The two sit down in a room with a box, leading me to wonder what on earth kind of twist the producers are trying to introduce now, at the eleventh hour? Alas, it’s not a twist, just a chance for Jordan to remind the men, at length, that they can have “love or money, but not both.” We. Know. Already.

    Mike tells us he’s 27 and has never had a relationship that worked, although I would point out that you could date someone for years, and if you eventually break up, by definition the relationship didn’t work. That doesn’t necessarily mean you suck at relationships. I really only mention this so I can quote Mike’s line that he is “relationship retarded,” which I find mildly amusing. His point is that he has no reason to believe he could make a relationship with Rachel work any better than past relationships he may or may not have had.

    Rachel tells us she had hoped she wouldn’t fall for any of the men, thus making her choice of the money that much easier. She, too, has to endure Jordan rehashing all the twists and all the choices that brought her to the end here. Rachel grins giddily as he waves her $1 million check. That grin disappears when Jordan twists the knife, reminding her that if she chooses badly, she could lose the man and the million dollars, again. Jordan tops it off by adding the asinine threat that if she doesn’t choose the man, “you can never see him again for as long as you live.” Yeah, right. What are you gonna do, Jordan, put an electronic monitoring bracelet on her ankle and keep track of her movements? Keep a helicopter hovering over her house for the next 50 years? We all know there’s no enforcing that stupid clause. Idiot producers.

    Rachel, Caleb and Mike gather for a lunch together. Caleb had hoped it would be a comfortable atmosphere, but it is decidedly not. He’s not helping it by sitting there, poking at his food and pouting. Rachel picks up on his vibe and sits frozen.
    “They decided to take the quiet, conflicted route,” says Mike. He has chosen to take the “hungry and annoying route,” which for some reason involves him pouring chocolate syrup into his mouth directly from the bottle. Ok, we all do that. Yes, you do. But typically, not at the dining table. Who was it that was talking about class earlier? Oh, Caleb. Never mind.

    Mike’s “fun mode” is making Rachel more uncomfortable than Caleb’s stone-faced mode. She finally wipes a tear from her eye and flees the table. I would note here that as she leaves, only Mike is gentleman enough to rise from his seat.

    Eventually Rachel gets it together and comes back, only to take Mike off privately. She wants to question him about his “fun” comment, to make sure he sees something more than fun in their future. She doesn’t want to just be friends who have fun. Mike points out that you can do both – be in a more-than-friends relationship and still have fun. But, he confesses, he’s worried about being 27 and getting into a relationship that would be long-distance, at least at first. Till, you know, Rachel starts commuting from L.A. to Denver for work.

    “I want the girl. I want the money. But I can’t have both,” Mike says. Yes, actually, we’ve heard that somewhere before. I think it was hinted at – just a little bit – in the title of the show.

    Rachel says Caleb scares her because his moods seem to swing back and forth. Really? I’m only seeing one mood from Caleb – suspicious and distant.
    As proof he’s still in that mood, Caleb tells us he would question Rachel’s integrity if it turns out she’s gone to the same lengths to convince the other men as she’s gone to to convince him. Question away, Caleb.

    He tells Rachel it’s “not cool” that both he and Mike are convinced of a connection. She freaks a bit, telling the camera that everything is falling apart. But she rallies for a last stand, telling Caleb that what she tells him is real. For some reason, he decides to believe her all of a sudden, which surprises me and Rachel both. She feels like she’s going crazy.

    No Woman No Cry
    It’s the morning of the final elimination. Caleb still has doubts, and says he can always meet other women. He considers Rachel a bigger risk than the mystery check, and isn’t sure he wants to take that risk. Going into the night’s decision, he says he’s going to go with his gut.

    Mike is not sure he’s ready for a monogamous relationship. But Rachel turns on a switch inside him. Oh, Mike. That’s not a switch. It’s your tonsils.
    He adds that Rachel’s words and demeanor will affect his decision. In other words, he’s going in cold, without knowing what he’s going to do.

    Mike and Caleb have a final meeting with Jordan, who again reminds them that one will leave tonight “empty-handed – no woman and no money.” Also, they’ll have to tell Rachel about the money angle, as they still think she possibly doesn’t know about it. Jordan hands the men their checks, tells them to say their goodbyes, and skips off. Mike and Caleb hug, then head off to their rooms to await their summons. Caleb says he’s made up his mind and won’t change it, no matter what Rachel says, but he’s nervous and scared about it anyway.

    Downstairs, Rachel has arrived, in a really ugly flowered dress. She says she’s ready for this to be over, and says she thinks she’s found someone in whom she sees something of herself, and she wants to go with her heart. Having watched Rachel over the course of several weeks, I think she should run far, far away from anyone who reminds her of herself, but whatever.

    First up is Mike. As always on this show, Rachel delivers a speech detailing her impressions of him from their first meeting on. I guess I might as well tell it. She thought he was lovely and intense, but got a friend vibe, then got a more-than-friends vibe in the hot tub. He’s fun to joke with and be romantic with, and she’s intrigued by him.

    BUT.
    We leave Mike hanging, fading to black and white, and switch to Caleb. Rachel thought he was cute and nervous at first. She thought he was the one, but didn’t think he was similarly convinced. ON their fantasy date, he was very standoffish and didn’t trust her, which disappointed her.

    BUT.

    Flip back to Mike. He’s great but, the “have fun” thing scared her. She cares about him, but says they aren’t right for each other. Doh! I really kind of thought she’d pick him. Mike nods and looks pained. They hug, and he departs to burn his check. He tells us that while he doesn’t doubt she felt something for him, she obviously felt something stronger for Caleb, and it’s her responsibility to follow a strong connection like that. He seems to take it pretty well – the news that he only had $1 probably helps. Adios, Mike.

    Flip back to Caleb. Rachel says she was “wowed” by him, and immediately follows that with “I see so much of myself in you.” The juxtaposition of those two statements amuses me – she’s basically saying, “You’re great. You remind me of me, and I’m great.” Rachel’s ego is practically another character on this show.
    Anyway, she picks Caleb, and says she’s just been waiting to tell him. He is vastly relieved, and they hug and kiss. But while Caleb is flattered, he has to tell her about the money. Rachel fakes confusion and surprise.

    For Once, A “Shocking Conclusion” That Actually Surprises
    Caleb says he came with the best of intentions, but the situation changed. He had a $1 million check. “Oh my god,” Rachel gasps, doing a fair impression of someone who has never heard of the premise of this show. I don’t know if the producers reminded her of this, or if she just realized it on her own, but it was probably wise to pretend ignorance until Caleb actually said the words “I choose you over money.”

    Anyway, Caleb goes on to say his check got traded for a $1 one. Rachel frowns. Then he traded for the mystery check, which he whips out of his pocket. He explains he can’t have both, and that a 50-50 shot at $1 million is “amazing.” Caleb rather goes on about how tempting the money is, and Rachel looks convinced that he’s taking the money. After all, he reminds her of her, and that’s what she would do, right?

    But wait! Caleb says he’s terrified of relationships and trusting himself. But, in a rather sweet sentence even if the producers really wrote it, he says, “I’ve been waking up every single morning with a million-dollar view. … and at the end of the day, all I see is you. I choose you.”

    He goes on, about taking risks and what-not, and adds that he loves the way Rachel looks at him. I hope he realizes it’s the shrewd look of a predator, but hey, whatever works for him.

    Rachel, however, has to put a stop to all this gushing sweetness, because of course SHE still has a secret. She explains the past season with Preston, although it’s a bit edited for Caleb’s benefit, as she assures him she wanted to choose love but just didn’t get the chance. To come back for this second season, Rachel got a guaranteed $1 million.

    “I knew it,” Caleb mutters. He kicks himself for a fool while Rachel goes on at length about how much she could use $1 million.

    But – she doesn’t want it! Or rather, she doesn’t take it. She says she can see a future with Caleb, and she tosses the check. Oh, my. Caleb says if they both gave up money for each other to start off the relationship, that bodes well for its future. He says the way she looks at him is worth it.

    Rachel says in the end, she just didn’t want to not see Caleb again. This, she adds, is what she was waiting for.

    And they ride off into the sunset, leaving behind a little black light revealing the amount of Caleb’s mystery check: $1.

    And there you have it, folks. Finally, the end to Rachel’s odyssey. Until, at least, Caleb actually sees the show and drops Rachel like a hot potato. Until then, I can finally take off my snarky red pants. After all, I’ve had them on for two days now. And the Brits are looking at me funny.

    Tell me made-up French words and British slang at lucy@fansofrealitytv.com
    It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever. -- David St. Hubbins

  2. #2
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    Mike’s check is worth $250,000. He tells us the mystery million-dollar checks are the most money he’s ever stared at, despite the fact that the check values are hidden and he’s really just staring at a box of blank checks.

    David laughs the laugh of the young and clueless, while Mike looks sour.

    He tells us he doesn’t get “100 percent spark” or “go wow in my mind” when she kisses him. I’m not sure what degree of a bad kisser she is, so he may go wow in other places. Fortunately – or not – the camera remains trained on their faces through this revelation

    Jordan tops it off by adding the asinine threat that if she doesn’t choose the man, “you can never see him again for as long as you live.” Yeah, right. What are you gonna do, Jordan, put an electronic monitoring bracelet on her ankle and keep track of her movements? Keep a helicopter hovering over her house for the next 50 years? We all know there’s no enforcing that stupid clause. Idiot producers.

    Flip back to Caleb. Rachel says she was “wowed” by him, and immediately follows that with “I see so much of myself in you.” The juxtaposition of those two statements amuses me – she’s basically saying, “You’re great. You remind me of me, and I’m great.”
    Absolutely excellent,Lucy.
    Huge to both you and spegs for entertaining us with such wonderful recaps of this FLOM season.
    You rock
    "That's Numberwang!"

  3. #3
    Just Forting Around roseskid's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    They are le pantalones de snarque.

    I’m not sure what degree of a bad kisser she is, so he may go wow in other places.

    “You don’t have to tell me that,” David says, although the fact that he’s still there indicates that he, in fact, would.

    Rachel wanted to hear about how he misses her or something, so that exchange “left me with a bad taste in my mouth.” I could make a crass joke here, but I think you can just imagine it by yourselves.

    Jordan tops it off by adding the asinine threat that if she doesn’t choose the man, “you can never see him again for as long as you live.” Yeah, right. What are you gonna do, Jordan, put an electronic monitoring bracelet on her ankle and keep track of her movements? Keep a helicopter hovering over her house for the next 50 years? We all know there’s no enforcing that stupid clause. Idiot producers.

    Flip back to Caleb. Rachel says she was “wowed” by him, and immediately follows that with “I see so much of myself in you.” The juxtaposition of those two statements amuses me – she’s basically saying, “You’re great. You remind me of me, and I’m great.” Rachel’s ego is practically another character on this show.
    Once again, our dear Lucy, you have suffered tremendously to entertain us masses. We are eternally grateful, and are glad that your suffering on this show has come to a close. I also have red pants, and I will forever think of them as my "pantalones de snarque"!! These shows just beg for your masterful snarkfest. You're the best.
    Love The Bachelor? Catch the recap for this season's sacrificial lamb lucky guy here in Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6 and Episode 7.

  4. #4
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    As David helpfully tells us, the shrunken size of the group is evident because “the rooms are a lot more quiet.” An excellent and obscure observation, my friend. He is obviously the brains of these three musketeers.

    In a hilarious moment, David informs us that actually, the limber-tongued Rachel --- actually isn’t all that good a kisser. I am cracking up that he outed her as a bad kisser on national TV. Personally you couldn’t give me a million dollars to get a national rep as a bad kisser.
    Great job as always, Lucy.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  5. #5
    Bachelor Addict berries's Avatar
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    Fabulous recap, Lucy!!! Your descriptions of Rachel & her 3 musketeers was right on!!
    Boo hoo... I'm so sad that everyone went home without money...
    Well, I guess Jordan got paid for coming to work.... Hmmm... too bad he's married, or Rachel could have tried picking him!

  6. #6
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy
    You don’t softly murmur “sorry” when someone bumps into YOU, or sit in a quiet corner and say “No thanks, I don’t care to dance” when you’re wearing red pants.

    Jordan then reveals what can only be a serious background in sales, as he tries to convince the men to swap their checks. His voice speeds up, and he begins to drop phrases like “increase your value”, “odds” and “low APR financing.”

    I mean, a squirrel could figure out what they’re going to choose.

    It’s Hard to Kiss Well When You Have the Sharp Teeth of a Man-Eater

    I know you’re all just scrolling to the end of this to see who she picked, anyway. If I included every little thought they all have, the joke would be on you, because we’d never get to the end. I’d be a little old gray-haired lady in too-young-for-her red pants by then.

    I beg to differ, but then I don’t have to roll around with her on a beach, so I guess I don’t get a vote here.

    Nor is she sure, despite their physical attraction, that he sees her as someone he’d pick over $1 million – the true test of love in Rachel-world.

    He makes it sound like something you could do just by holding your breath, or blinking hard like in I Dream of Jeannie.

    For someone who isn’t wowed by Rachel’s kissing technique, David sure is partaking of it a lot.

    He has chosen to take the “hungry and annoying route,” which for some reason involves him pouring chocolate syrup into his mouth directly from the bottle. Ok, we all do that. Yes, you do. But typically, not at the dining table. Who was it that was talking about class earlier? Oh, Caleb. Never mind.

    “I want the girl. I want the money. But I can’t have both,” Mike says. Yes, actually, we’ve heard that somewhere before. I think it was hinted at – just a little bit – in the title of the show.

    But Rachel turns on a switch inside him. Oh, Mike. That’s not a switch. It’s your tonsils.

    Until then, I can finally take off my snarky red pants. After all, I’ve had them on for two days now. And the Brits are looking at me funny.
    Luce, you jewel! You are amazing. I am so glad I skipped this show and held out for the recap. You are the queen of snark!
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  7. #7
    FORT Fogey psucashcow's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lucy

    Eventually, as everything does with Rachel, cuddling leads to kissing. In a hilarious moment, David informs us that actually, the limber-tongued Rachel --- actually isn’t all that good a kisser. I am cracking up that he outed her as a bad kisser on national TV. Personally you couldn’t give me a million dollars to get a national rep as a bad kisser. And David doesn’t leave it there. He tells us he doesn’t get “100 percent spark” or “go wow in my mind” when she kisses him. I’m not sure what degree of a bad kisser she is, so he may go wow in other places. Fortunately – or not – the camera remains trained on their faces through this revelation, and we watch Rachel lap at the poor boy as he disses her skills. .... In a gimme piece of editing, we cut to Rachel purring that she can read David and she doesn’t think he’s playing her for the money.



    Flip back to Caleb. Rachel says she was “wowed” by him, and immediately follows that with “I see so much of myself in you.” The juxtaposition of those two statements amuses me – she’s basically saying, “You’re great. You remind me of me, and I’m great.” Rachel’s ego is practically another character on this show.

    He goes on, about taking risks and what-not, and adds that he loves the way Rachel looks at him. I hope he realizes it’s the shrewd look of a predator, but hey, whatever works for him.
    Great recap. Your snarkiness was made for this show.
    Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day---Harry S. Truman

  8. #8
    FORT Fanatic Danger Bunny's Avatar
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    Great recap Lucy, or can I call you Mistress Snarkypants?

  9. #9
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    excellent review madame snarkypants.
    i taped it for my wife, she won't believe rachel didn't take the money and run.
    i'm actually glad she chose caleb, just because i am glad she didn't get the $$$

  10. #10
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    To Lucy, the best snark master around (AND red pants, to boot!);
    you made this journey enjoyable. I never felt the connection quite like this before. You brought up feelings that I'd forgotten about. Like how queasy I felt when watching Rachel and her manipulations and her squirreliness when trying to play tongue-hockey with the boys. And how dirty I felt when she told each one of them how special they were. And when David believed he had a chance because he, of course, believed everything she said, even tho' he didn't like the way she kissed. Maybe her mouth was just a little bit tired from all the action she was receiving and giving!! Anyway, thanks for the good times!!
    Lucy, you rock!

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