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Thread: 7-12 recap: Come On Baby,--Let's Do The Twist!

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    Jan 2003
    In the land of endless sunshine

    7-12 recap: Come On Baby,--Let's Do The Twist!

    7-12 recap: Come On, Baby—Let’s Do The Twist!

    True love is all I need, but if I can’t find true love, will money ever be enough to make me happy? Will it be love or money?

    Let us all pause to contemplate the weighty truth of the FLOM theme song’s short, and un-rhyming, lyrics. Yes, will it be love or money? For those of us at home, well, I’m guessing we don’t get either. I’ll check with NBC on that, though, and get right back to you.

    If you missed last week’s FLOM 3 finale—which also functioned as a vacuum to suck poor, unsuspecting viewers into this next season with merciless spite—here is the thirty second recap:

    Jordan: Love or money? Love or money? Love or money? Love or…
    Preston: I’m a tool.
    P.J.: I’m Cinderella!
    Rachel: Inconcievable!

    Thus Rachel was chosen, by not being chosen, to continue on her journey towards love, as the one and only girl who will now be making the choices. And then the first twist was twisted before the season could even begin. Because Andrea, another Preston reject (how sad it must be to live with that title!), has also been chosen to be that same, one and only girl! (Did I mention they’re bitter enemies? No? That’s okay, because they do. A lot.)


    FLOM 4, in all its breathtaking beauty, opens by flickering between confessional shots of Andrea and Rachel as they introduce themselves and bring any viewers who were lucky enough to escape FLOM 3 up to speed. Rachel admits that it hurt when Preston dumped her, but, like Kate Winslet, her heart has gone on. (I’m sorry if I put Celine in anyone’s head—and more sorry she’s in mine. Let’s hope she doesn’t linger.) Andrea likes to think she’s a smart, savvy girl, and that’s why being fooled by Preston hurt. Yes, I’m sure she does like to think that…I’m sure she enjoys that delusion very, very much.

    Both girls are utterly jazzed to be the single, only, sole, lone, solitary lucky woman who gets to be the center of fifteen men’s attention. Both girls feel honored and excited by this special opportunity, this rare experience. I’m not entirely sure they are still talking about a reality TV show—maybe we’ve been fooled by editing, and some producer offered these girls a chance to meet the Dali Lama.

    I can’t resist adding that Andrea thinks this is “a wonderful position for me,” and, considering the rumors circulating about her acting past, I don’t think anyone needs me to make a joke here.

    Rachel just gloats that, this time, she’s the only option the guys have.

    The Name, the Face, the Legend

    The guys arrive in several vaguely familiar, matching vehicles, but the product placement guy blew it here, because I never did figure out what kind they were. Names and occupations are flashed under each man’s face, but nothing happens to set them apart at this point. While we drool, um, assess the men for character and ethical intentions, Rachel and Andrea talk about what they want to find in this herd of stallions. Rachel wants the same morals and values that she has. Andrea wants someone tall and well-built. (Please don’t feel the need to point out to me that these poor, defenseless victims have been edited to say what the editors want us to hear. If you can refrain from that, I will refrain from listing each time I yelled “stupid bimbo” at my TV during the show. (But, if it pleases you, you can insert that after every comment Andrea makes). Now that my bias is out there…)

    The guys, at least the two the editors show us, seem impressed by the mansion. They line up before the front door, and Jordan Murphy makes his entrance, or rather exit—since he’s leaving the house, to ominous music. Once again we are reminded of the serious nature of Jordan Murphy’s celebrity. You could almost call his instantly recognizable face infamous, such is the reaction that shudders through his little audience.

    The men blink. Someone says, “wow,” but I think I recognize the exclamation from the directly previous scene when they saw the house.

    Jordan is arrogant as he tells the men they have been deceived. They think they are here to find the woman of their dreams (or get a free vacation, dripping with free alcohol, on NBC), but they have found a whole lot more! Welcome to…Boy meets Boy! (I wish! Now that would be a surprise twist.) For love…or money!

    The men giggle.

    Brian, a software salesman from San Francisco, says, “When he announced For Love or Money, there were dollar signs in every guy’s eyes.” Dave K., an EMT from Hawaii, is not sure whether he is surprised in a good way or a bad way.

    Some of the guys are not familiar with the show (though, I assume, all were quite familiar with Jordan Murphy regardless), and the rest fill them in once they are upstairs settling in.

    Bryan gets to talk again, and he informs them all that “a million ain’t nothing to scoff at.” Hmmm, perhaps his grammar is, though. *adjusts librarian glasses on bridge of nose*

    Mike, the corporate financier from Santa Monica who looks like a Bond villain, asks if you can put a price tag on love? Someone is bucking for Jordan’s job. He loses one point on my personal scorecard for being the first person to use the word “connection.”

    Morgan, nonspecific salesman from Chicago with triangular eyebrows, answers that, “Love is priceless, but I could love anybody for a million bucks!” Jordan Murphy sits up and pays attention.

    Twister: The game that ties you up in knots!(TM)

    Jordan “surprises” the men at dinner, just as (or so the editors would have us think) one of the men asks, “Is anyone waiting for something to happen?”

    Jordan’s face is stern when he announces that, “Tonight, the adventure begins!” (My hand, holding a straight pin over my Jordan Murphy voodoo doll, hesitates. After all, he could have said “journey.”) He asks the men to change and to then meet him in the Lame Twist Room. Or main event room, as he prefers to call it.

    Rudy, the mortgage banker with the adorable Boston accent, calls this the calm before the storm. He thinks it’s going to get “pretty downright dirty” from this point on.

    The men change into casual button down shirts and slacks nearly identical to those they were wearing at dinner, and I wonder if they were all sent to their rooms just because Caleb and Steve were ill-mannered enough to wear t-shirts to dinner.

    Caleb, who works in real estate in Phoenix and wears t-shirts to dinner, is excited by the chance to win a million dollars, and reveals that he’s watched this show in the past. Just when I was starting to like Caleb…

    In the LTR (Lame Twist Room, keep up people!), Jordan taunts the men with their one in fifteen chance at a million. (As he will do again…every five minutes from this point on.) Then he opens the legendary check cabinet, revealing that (dum dum dum!) these checks are…blank! (Those of you who watched will know that I am not overusing the ellipses gratuitously. Jordan Murphy seems to feel that a solemn pause gives his words more significance.)

    “At least,” Jordan grins blackly, “they appear to be blank. But, on For Love or Money, appearances…can be…deceiving!” (I hope the boys are paying attention despite the portentous pauses. Jordan never spoke truer words.) The black light pops on in a timely fashion and the denominations on the checks are revealed. Jordan explains this second (or third, for us viewers) twist, that not everyone will be playing for the same amount.

    Caleb, not wearing a t-shirt, is put out. “I wasn’t expecting the different denominations.” Ah, Caleb, you need to learn from our dear Preston. In this game, you must be expecting the things you don’t expect!

    Steve, a matchmaker (whose presence here can only be interpreted to mean that he sucks at his work) from Philadelphia, has spectacular olfactory senses—he could smell the greed coming off the other guys.

    Jordan makes his mandatory announcement that the final man will face the toughest decision of…his…life: love—or money! (Again, my pin-hand hesitates over the Jordan doll. I decide he gets one freebie tonight. Next time he overuses the title, the pin goes in his stuffed little kneecap.) Some of the guys look more complacent with this idea than the others.

    The men get to pick their now-blank checks at random (after Jordan shuffles them a little). I like the random thing. It seems less controlled—like the editing’s throttle hold has loosened, just a smidge, from around my throat.

    And you are…?

    The check parade ensues, and now we get our first real glimpse at the men of FLOM 4. Here’s the run down:

    Dave S., a 28 year old healthcare salesman from Pittsburg with pretty blue eyes, chose check number eight because it was his ex-girlfriend’s lucky number (-1 point for ex-girlfriend reference—and -1 more for being the first person to say “surreal”). As is only just, he has a check for $1.00. He decides, too late, that “eight is not great.”

    Next is Chris, 26, the tousled blond pretty boy and fitness professional from Tempe, AZ. He finds that his check is worth $250,000. “If there’s no love connection am I still going to try for the $250,000? You bet.”

    Caleb, 30, who we’ve met before, has the first million dollar check. “This is unreal.”

    Alex, 25, an industrial engineer from Chicago whose nose frightens me for no good reason, also gets a check for a million. “A million dollars is a lot of money. No-brainer at this point is to go for the money.”

    Dave K., no age given, the Hawaiian but not Polynesian EMT, gets another million. “The more money it is, the tougher it makes the decision.”

    Steve, 23, inferior matchmaker, doesn’t look at his check. He turns his back when the black light goes on, because he is here for the right reason. We, however, see that he’s holding a dollar. It doesn’t matter. Steve says, “As far as I’m concerned, I didn’t even pick up a check.”

    Wes, massage therapist and possible missing link from Atlanta, has a check for $100,000. He dispels the illusion of neanderthalism with his articulate “wow.”

    Mike, aforementioned Bond villain who covets Jordan’s job, has $250,000 at stake. Like Alex, he considers this a no-brainer. Unlike Alex, he says, “Be it $250,000 or a million, I want a shot at love.”

    Brian the San Franciscan, 26, gets $50,000. “Not bad for a days work.” Only this show is longer than a day, Brian, my friend. Trust me, it will feel like forever…

    Rudy—remember the cute Boston accent?—has the next million. “Sweet!” he rejoices. “I’ll be as competitive as I can be.”

    Josh, from Lake Tahoe, working in real estate, gets $500,000. “It was nice not to see $1.00 when the check appeared—but I’d still be here if it was a dollar.” Aw. I give him a point for making me say “aw” at his (apparent) sweetness.

    Jai, 32, investment broker from Houston and doomed token ethnicity nod, has a check for $1.00. “I am with one slim dollar.”

    Ben, Kevin Bacon look a-like from Chicago in hotel management, gets one million dollars. “There being a million dollars involved complicates things immensely. What is a happy ending? Twenty-six with a million dollars? Or twenty-six with a fiancé—or whatever?” Kevin Bacon gets a point for his lucidity.

    Chad, 28, bar manager from North Carolina who looks like he wants to be a goodfella, gets $100,000 to play for. He’s not going to tell anyone how much is on his check. “That could come back to hurt me.”

    And, FINALLY, Morgan, triangle-brows, gets only $1.00. He is not concerned. “There has to be another twist.” One point to Morgan for shrewdness.

    Manly Musings

    “One last thing…” Jordan lies through his teeth—there’s always something more. For now, the men must lie, too. This sweet woman they are about to court has no idea about the money, Jordan lies again. “She is here to find the love of her life. Period.” (Yes, I’m sure that ‘period’ really did the trick, Jordan. They’re all just shaking in anticipated guilt now.) If the guy spills the beans, he’s out.

    Upstairs, the guys banter about their check amounts, but, as far as I can tell, no one falls for the old “I’ll tell you if you tell me” routine. Steve announces that he didn’t look at his check amount, and Brian immediately calls him a bold-faced liar while chomping, relaxed and confident, on a green apple. Steven gets pissed in confessional (“Who the hell is he to tell me why I’m here?”) but is conciliatory to Brian’s face, saying he has a right to his opinion. Is Steve a man of peace, or a coward? Perhaps we will get further clues to his character as the show proceeds…

    Rudy (cute accent) transitions us to the next morning by telling us that when they wake up, there’s a different feeling in the house. “Everyone is suspect.” Ben (Kevin Bacon) waxes philosophical again: “I think everyone is here for their own reason, but I don’t know. What is the right reason?” Rudy is sure he knows the right reason—his million dollars! Chris (cute blondie) is on the fence, and excited to meet the girl so that he has a better idea what he wants to play for. Alex (nose) dabs at his face with a handkerchief—Alex is a sweater. Not the fuzzy pullover that the Irish call a jumper—which is an American term for someone who is suicidal, oddly enough—but a man who perspires.

    As Seen on TV

    In the scene we saw previewed last week, Rachel arrives at the mansion in her red satin dress. Jordan waits for her on the steps again, but suddenly new words are coming out of his mouth. How many times did they film this sequence?

    “So, are you ready to meet the 15 guys who could change the rest of your life?” he asks. Not to be a stickler, but (unless this is one of Andrea’s movies) aren’t we hoping for just the one man who will change the rest of her life? Rachel is ready, though, and Jordan takes her straight to the rings.

    Rachel finds that the ring stand depresses her with its heart-rending memories, but she cheers herself up with the thought that now the tables are turned and she will be doing the dumping.

    The perfect note upon which to introduce Andrea. In her lovely lemon-colored lampshade, Andrea skips up to Jordan who asks her the identical question. She’s ready, too. In fact, she is extremely honored to have all these guys vying for her attention. “Knowing that I am the one holding all the cards this time feels amazing. I feel like I could conquer anything at this point.” Hey Andrea, come on over here—I want to introduce you to someone. I don’t think you’ve ever met my friend, Foreshadowing.

    Pull the Pin and Hit the Deck, Soldier!

    Here is the moment we’ve all been waiting for—or so we’ve been repeatedly and vehemently assured by the voice over man—Andrea walks through the doorway to find Rachel standing behind the ring stand.

    Before we get to that crowning moment of drama, we get a few purple flashbacks. (I am very glad that NBC has shown this consistency with the color of memories. It means a lot to me.) We see the purple Andrea call Rachel out for two-facedness, and purple Rachel gives her “the hand.” Which is more appropriate for primetime than “the finger,” but not as meaningful. Less is surely more.

    What follows is Reality Gold. I’m sure the producers started kicking themselves immediately for not engineering a longer time span to force these ladies together.

    Andrea fluffs her platinum hair and strides confidently through the doorway. We get Rachel’s reaction first; her eyes widen in disbelief, and then close in horror as she gently shakes her head. Andrea trills a fake little laugh and says, “That’s very funny,” obviously assuming this is a pre-show joke those wacky producers are playing on her.

    “Hi,” Rachel says, with all the enthusiasm one summons up to greet one’s proctologist.

    “Surprise, surprise,” Andrea responds, the acid in her saliva burning tiny holes in the fringe on her dress.

    “Surprise,” Rachel agrees grimly.

    Then something occurs to Andrea. “So I’m guessing you weren’t chosen.”

    “I’m guessing not…yeah,” Rachel admits.

    Andrea bursts into uncontrolled snickers of sheer glee. She literally slaps her own knee. “Sorry,” she giggles, and I believe that this could be the biggest lie of the episode—truly a Herculean feat! Rachel claims that, if not for her million dollar check, she would walk away at this point.

    Jordan approaches and, for once, his always smug smirk is totally appropriate. I almost expect him to shout, “In yo’ face, ho-bags!” But he contains himself.

    “Thanks a million,” Andrea says sourly. Jordan’s smirk deepens.

    Jordan breaks it down. One of them is going home at the next elimination, and the men are going to choose who. He explains this with what I feel is unnecessary harshness, and I begin to think Jordan has some issues with our leading ladies. Through it all, Rachel’s face shows pain and disbelief while her eyes roll widely; Andrea holds her prissy cheerleader smile in a flawless poker face. They don’t show Jordan explaining that they have to pretend no to know each other or why they are here, but it soon becomes clear that this is the decree.

    Jordan goes to summon the men, and the girls bicker a bit. Rachel is fairly honest about her disappointment, but Andrea maintains a saccharine mask.

    And you are…? Part II

    Jordan asks for a volunteer to go first, and Steve’s hand shoots into the air like a clay pigeon. After casting a “teacher likes me best” glance around at his roommates, Mr. Didn’t Look at My Check skips down the stairs.

    Steve admits that he has the whole first meeting choreographed, down to the “preformulated response” he’s assigned to the lady. But the sight of the two girls smashes his beautiful, fool-proof plan into itty, bitty pieces—and does the same to his confidence. He’s red-faced and inarticulate when he greets the gals. It doesn’t help his comfort level that irritation is seething off the sworn enemies in nearly visible waves.

    “Do I get to date both of you?” Steve manages to ask. Sorry, Steve. Only in Andrea’s films.

    Andrea gives Steve the ring (of power? We shall see…) and tells him it symbolizes friendship and the possibility of something more. “Great,” Steve mumbles, still kerflumaxed.

    Caleb is next. “What’s goin’ on here? What’s goin’ on?” The girls giggle and confess they don’t know. They give him the ring, and he asks suspiciously, “You two don’t know each other prior to this…?”

    “No!” the girls shout the denial. It sounds less believable than Andrea’s “sorry.”

    Morgan is confused. He thinks one of the girls is a friend there for moral support, but he’s not sure which he’s supposed to woo. Andrea calls him “cutie,” and Rachel’s eyes roll right out of their sockets.

    Chris wants to know which is which, and finds this twist confusing, too. Andrea thinks he is wonderful. She giggles and flirts and licks his cheek (okay, only in my mind and hers). Rachel interrupts to give him his ring and Andrea tears out a fistful of her hair (in our imaginations, again).

    Josh is surprised that the girls didn’t know about this.

    David K. is the first guy to kiss the girls on the cheek and Andrea likes this.

    Chad, mafia-wannabe, kisses Rachel and not Andrea. “Point for me,” Rachel claims.

    In the gazebo below, the men struggle to figure out just who they are supposed to cozy up to.

    Rudy is the first to be pleased—and dare I say titillated?—by the surprise. “Wow, there’s two of you!” he enthuses to the girls, and tells us “the more the merrier.” He also professes to be a male stripper, and I sense disappointment behind the ladies’ laughter when he says he’s just joking. He tells us “Two is better than one. Better odds. I’m a numbers guy.” I might be tempted to think this guy is a pig, but the accent is just too dang cute, and I merely grin at his naughty shenanigans.

    Andrea sneaks a quick look over her shoulder at the men and does a little baby wave/peek-a-boo thing that has both Rachel and me rolling our eyes again.

    Dave S. talks directly to Andrea, which she loves. Rachel interrupts Dave mid-sentence, holding out her hand and exclaiming, “David, I’m Rachel! I’m here, too, baby!”

    Alex is uncomfortable. Rachel is pleased that they are both from Chicago, and Andrea, in private, rips on Rachel’s attempt to relate. “That’s great! But what else do you have to offer, sweetie?”

    Cro-Magnon Wes is stunned. He can only manage, “This is amazing.”

    Ben is next, and Rachel likes his style. When he says he’s from Chicago, Andrea chirps “Rachel’s from Chicago!” with sarcastic enthusiasm.

    Bryan is confident and comfortable with the awkward situation. “There’s probably going to be a lot of twists and turns,” he shrugs, and I give him a savvy point.

    Jai finds it very awkward. When he says he’s from Houston, Andrea gushes that her father used to play for the Rockets. *Ahem* Andrea? To quote you, “That’s great! But what else do you have to offer, sweetie?”

    Mike compliments Rachel, but Rachel thinks he’s into Andrea. Rachel is excited because they both play basketball. Privately, Andrea says she’d love to have a one on one with Rachel. But she’s just talking about basketball.

    Andrea thinks she’s made the best first impression. Rachel feels like she needs to make a serious effort because Andrea does not deserve to be here. “I wouldn’t wish her on any of these men!” Rachel gags at the thought.

    They all meet under the twinkle lights of the gazebo and clink glasses together in a very obligatory manner. Nothing more is shown of the evening, so either they didn’t get time to circulate, or everyone behaved themselves too well to make for good TV.

    The Key to Every Man’s Heart

    The next day the girls go back to the mansion to prepare two separate lunch spreads for the boys. Andrea is in her element as an event planner, thrilled at her chance to shine. Rachel is stressed.

    The lunch is set up on two tables on the balcony. The men are left to go where they will, and most of them know good cooking when they smell it. Rachel is shown standing awkwardly and forlornly in front of her table while the men buzz around ecstatic queen bee Andrea. Andrea offers Penne a la Vodka (the men perk up at the word “Vodka”) with shrimp, asparagus, and basil (luckily for Andrea, Metrosexual Rick is not in this crowd), and a Greek salad with stuffed grape leaves. Andrea’s table also has wine.

    At Rachel’s table, the few men who were too late for a seat at Andrea’s clink their water glasses together gloomily. Rachel tries to explain what is on top of her chicken, and Chris gets up and leaves.

    “My table seemed fairly empty,” Rachel sighs. “It was kind of sad.” They show an overhead view of her table with five empty chairs.

    “I couldn’t have asked for a better day, a better lunch, a better situation…If I was sent home tonight I would be extremely shocked,” Andrea says. Really, Andrea! You simply must make Mr. Foreshadowing’s acquaintance…

    As the girls leave, we hear Rachel’s dark thoughts: “Tonight’s elimination has nothing to do with the money or the men—it’s just about staying. I need Andrea gone. Out of the picture.” I would suggest Chad to help you out with that, Rachel, just going by appearances. I notice, as they walk, that Rachel really has a stunning figure. I wonder if that balances out stuffed grape leaves, though…

    New From Mattel: Surprise Twist Barbie! (TM)

    Jordan gets the guys prepped to go. Protecting his true identity more vigorously than Batman, Jordan warns them that another host will take his place at the elimination ceremony.

    Rudy says he wants to keep the ring as long as he can. “Because it’s fifty million dollars, or it’s the love of my life. It’s a very important piece of property that I own.” Rudy gets a point for understanding the value of the ring. Yes, precious…yesssss.

    The girls enter. Rachel looks a little green, and not happy. Andrea grins confidently. “I want to beat Rachel down!” she says cheerfully (not her exact words). Rachel is intense. “I feel like these are my men. This is my show, not Andrea’s show.”

    The pretend host, blonde and plastic, starts right in without introductions, revealing the first twist to the men. They will be doing the eliminating tonight, not the ladies. Caleb is shown throwing his head back in laughter. Relief? Or sadism?

    Mike thinks this is unnecessarily cruel and feels like walking off the show. One point for basic humanity (this cancels out his early “connection” violation). Morgan also thinks this is brutal. Point to Morgan.

    Rachel is visibly nervous, while Andrea is already gloating.

    Welcome to Junior High P.E. Class

    Dave K. is first to choose.

    Rachel: “They’d have to be idiots to choose her.”
    Andrea: “Andrea vs. Rachel. I am so ready to say ‘See ya’ to her!”

    Dave K. approaches Rachel. She thanks him, biting her lip coquettishly. “I think you’re very beautiful and you’re personality is fitting for mine—” She interrupts to thank him again. He kisses her cheek. “But my vote goes to Andrea.” He turns and walks to Andrea’s side. Ten points from Dave K., and a yellow card! Jerk! I wish Barbie would throw him out of the game.

    Andrea: “Andrea one, Rachel ZERO!” Andrea is developing a tendency to refer to herself in the third person. She and Dave K. belong together.

    Chad goes straight to Andrea without trying to drum up unnecessary theatrics, for which he would get a point, but his “Hey, how ya doing?” greeting is so lame that I can’t give him anything.

    Rachel feels like she is going to cry. Andrea is full of compassion: “Every time a guy would pick me, she would act like ‘poor me!’ I guess she thought that was going to help her.” Andrea laughs and rolls her eyes.

    Mike goes straight to Rachel, who feels much relief. Mike tells the viewing audience that he followed his heart. “The one thing that kept me here was the chance to fall in love with Rachel.”

    Jai goes to Andrea and kisses her cheek. Andrea: “I was enjoying the fact that Rachel was denied. Three times.”

    Morgan walks directly to Rachel. “This is a tough situation. You’re a special person, and I chose to be with you.” This is the best speech of the night. Two points.

    Rudy makes a bee-line for Rachel. “I choose you.” In an aside, Rudy tells us that he picked Rachel for the ease with which he thinks he can play her. “And I’m gonna try!” Sneaky little punk…with that gosh darn adorable voice!

    Rachel beams at the tie.

    Ben picks Andrea. Andrea: “Bye-bye, Rachel!”

    Chris picks Rachel (“My heart chooses you.”) and Andrea shows the first flicker of angst. I think Chris was her favorite. I giggle, shamelessly enjoying her pain.

    Josh chooses Rachel. Andrea whines, “How is this happening?”

    Bryan joins Andrea’s team. Rachel whines, “I was so sick of Andrea’s smug face, I couldn’t even stand to look at her anymore.” I feel her pain, being forced to look at Andrea’s smug face, too.

    Wes chooses Andrea; his words are grunted and incoherent as any caveman’s.

    Steve also picks Andrea. His speech is long and romantic and seemingly heartfelt. But in confessional he admits, “The bottom line is that Rachel made a crappy meal. I don’t know what the hell—I’ve never had cream cheese on top of chicken before in my life! I mean, that’s just weird!” I’m getting a real “still living with momma” vibe from Steve. I also don’t think he eats out much.

    Rachel despairs that she needs all of the last three men to pick her. Her face crumples, while Andrea grins with unholy joy.

    Caleb walks to Andrea, only to explain that his gut says Rachel. See, he brought along a butterfly pin that belonged to his grandmother for good luck, and Rachel wore butterflies at lunch. Minus one point for sadistic theatrics. Minus one point for a being an idiot.

    Alex also goes to Andrea first, toying with her emotions by claiming they have a spark. Unfortunately, he feels a stronger connection with Rachel. -2: sadistic theatrics, “connection” violation.

    Run For the Cellar, Pa! Twister’s a’Comin’

    Anyone who didn’t think this was going to come down to the last man is not a true fan of reality TV. Dave S., standing all alone on the steps of destiny, is not a true fan of reality TV. He is not prepared. He lists a variety of physical reactions such as shaking knees, sweaty palms, nausea, cramps, bloating... He says that this position “sucks so bad!” Buck up little camper! You get an automatic pass for the next elimination ceremony just from sheer gratitude—no matter who you pick.

    Barbie repeats the obvious—whoever Dave S. picks will have eight men, and thereby win. I’m shocked that she can count that high.

    Dave says he has to go with who he connected with more (-1) and “that was you,” he says to…Rachel!!

    “One other thing…” Barbie lies with a smile. “The guys standing with Andrea leave with her. Gentlemen, you just eliminated yourselves.”

    The men are shell-shocked, but they should realize this makes sense. Rachel would have pagonged the Andrea-lovers without mercy. Dave K. moans that he picked the wrong horse. Steve thinks Andrea was the better bachelorette, and the reason Rachel is still there is a matter of strategy.

    Andrea’s concession speech must be repeated verbatim: “I know deep down I think Rachel’s thoughts in that little brain of hers, she’s thinking, ‘I am half the woman of Andrea. I have no idea why it is that I’m standing here.’ In the real world, Rachel couldn’t hold a candle to me.” I wish I could hold a candle to Andrea! First I’d want to spray her with gasoline, though.

    Rachel says, “Now the real work begins. Hopefully one of these guys will be the man for me. But if not—heh! A million dollars is a good consolation prize.”

    Burn, Baby, Burn!

    The men commit their checks to the flames. Those with more at stake—Ben, Chad, Dave K.—admit that their pain is from losing the cash and not Andrea. Bryan says he can earn $50K in his sleep, and I speculate what exactly he might mean by “software sales.” Wes is going to surf and not think about it. I believe him. Jai is sad to miss out on love. Jai had a $1.00 check, remember. And then there is Steve. Ah, Steve. Our broken hearted matchmaker finally sees that he was only playing for a dollar, and this seems an ill omen to him now. He breaks down into tears, blubbering about wanting to be a loving husband and good father. It’s so embarrassing I’m blushing. They all leave in taxis.

    Andrea walks toward the fire, claiming that she knows what kind of person she is. But the very next thing she says proves that isn’t true. “I think I have a good heart.” Well, maybe she’s speaking of a history free from coronary disease. She’s anguished because Rachel—who is (in Andrea’s opinion) lacking in all good qualities—has beaten her…again.

    In the limo, Andrea whines about the unfairness of it all, and hopes she meets the man of her dreams. And she hopes he has two million dollars!

    For those who lost count, here is the Spegs Personal Point Total (SPPT) for the eight remaining men:

    Morgan +4
    Rudy +1
    Josh +1
    Mike +0
    Chris +0
    Alex +0
    Caleb -2
    Dave S. -3

    Next Monday on For Love…Or Money!

    Rachel rejoices: “Good has triumphed over evil!”

    The dating commences. Rudy mauls Rachel like a wild animal. Three will go home, and one of them no onewillexpect!!

    (Rachel? Jordan Murphy? Preston? You? Me? Nope—now I’ve expected them all! Ha ha, NBC!)

    Do you want Spegs points? Tell me you love me at spegs@fansofrealitytv.com
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  2. #2
    Leave No Trace ADKLove's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Seems I'm Lost.
    Spegs, - great job on the recap. (Glad you mentioned Dave's nice eyes), and I l-o-v-e the idea of Spegs points .
    Are you sure you're new at this???????/
    Love many, trust a few, and always paddle your own canoe

  3. #3
    Danger Bunny
    That was great, did you somehow watch the show early? I wouldn't have been able to type that much in one day, let alone compose it all...

  4. #4
    FORT Fogey ANTMrox's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Ha I was thinking "Little evil triumphs over big evil"

    What a bee-yotch fest that was... 2 thumbs up!

  5. #5
    FORT Fogey Miss_Griss's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Thanks, Spegs, for a great recap. Lot's of funny lines, but this was the one that made me do a spit-take:

    I wish I could hold a candle to Andrea! First I’d want to spray her with gasoline, though.
    Seeking form amidst the void.

    But if that's not possible, gimme a Margarita...shaken, not stirred...and hold the salt, please.

  6. #6
    Bachelor Addict berries's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Fabulous job, spegs!! (I love you!) I loved the SPPT too! And the candle/gasoline line too! And 'Mr. Foreshadowing'! And... by the way, "I love you"... (do I get spegs points?!)

  7. #7
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    salt lake city ut
    Quote Originally Posted by spegs
    I wish I could hold a candle to Andrea! First I’d want to spray her with gasoline, though.

    Would have made for great tv.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  8. #8
    Thanks for the greap recap!!

    --Molly, the goth

  9. #9
    Yoffy lifts a finger... fluff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    If you missed last week’s FLOM 3 finale—which also functioned as a vacuum to suck poor, unsuspecting viewers into this next season with merciless spite—here is the thirty second recap:

    Jordan: Love or money? Love or money? Love or money? Love or…
    Preston: I’m a tool.
    P.J.: I’m Cinderella!
    Rachel: Inconcievable

    I will refrain from listing each time I yelled “stupid bimbo” at my TV during the show. (But, if it pleases you, you can insert that after every comment Andrea makes). Now that my bias is out there…)

    Jordan’s face is stern when he announces that, “Tonight, the adventure begins!” (My hand, holding a straight pin over my Jordan Murphy voodoo doll, hesitates. After all, he could have said “journey.”)

    Alex, 25, an industrial engineer from Chicago whose nose frightens me for no good reason

    What is a happy ending? Twenty-six with a million dollars? Or twenty-six with a fiancé—or whatever?” Kevin Bacon gets a point for his lucidity.

    Morgan walks directly to Rachel. “This is a tough situation. You’re a special person, and I chose to be with you.” This is the best speech of the night. Two points.
    Spegs, you're a star.
    Excellent recap.
    You had me laughing throughout.
    Wonderful job
    "That's Numberwang!"

  10. #10
    JR. is offline
    Drummer / Model JR.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    42° 22' N 71° 2' W
    Quote Originally Posted by ADKLove
    Are you sure you're new at this???????/
    No, she is a professional. We are screwed.

    Funny stuff Spegs!

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