This is the night of the final two-hour show and I am already wondering if there will be enough time for all the decisions that have to be made. We have been promised a heart-pounding finale and I am hoping somebody around here has knowledge of CPR if needed.
The first question that plagues us is: “Will it be Paige or Erin?” Who will be Rob’s pick for the woman that has won his heart? As soon as he makes that decision, leaving one of them in the lurch, we are then faced with that pesky second question, “Will she choose the money or Rob?” The third and most important question is, “Why in hell are they making this two hours long?” Haven’t we suffered enough?
Join me as we embark on the amazing journey traversing the mine field of the heart pounding finale. Fifteen women started on their quest and only two remain, Paige and Erin.
How do you spell “dilemma?”
Erin and Paige are unaware that Rob knows about the “Million dollar check” and that the offer is different for him. If he can convince the woman he chooses that he’s worth more than mere money he gets to keep both. Now Jordan enters the scene and he is holding “their” two checks in his hand. He tells them to take a good look, because what he is about to say could change everything. Now he says, “What I didn’t tell you before, is that you’ll have to make the choice between the man or the money. This sets off an entire stream of “Oh my gosh(s)” from Paige who sounds like somebody just wound her up with a key, while Erin purses her lips, narrows her eyes and says, “Interesting” just as if she were a double agent. Jordan also says that if they choose Rob they might end up penniless but they might begin a beautiful relationship with Rob. However, if they choose the money, they can never lay eyes on Rob again. That’s a bit harsh and throws them into a tizzy.
The girls are on an emotional roller coaster. The irrepressible Paige keeps asking the more practical mature Erin what she should do. Erin doesn’t want to influence her decision by telling her what to do. Paige asks why they can’t have both? Because, little girl, this is NOT a Disney film, ok? Paige is now questioning her own feelings for Rob and one minute it’s this and another minute it’s that, but she is pretty sure she will take Rob over the money because she’s a romantic at heart. Then she says to Erin, “You’d take the money, right?” as she’s debating that there’s no guarantee on love but there is on money.
Paige must talk to Rob immediately, Erin does not want to even see Rob because she’ll have to act fake since she admits that she would choose the million bucks. I am boring myself silly right here with this repetitious crapola. I want my two hours back! They go on like this for the next interminable minutes when Rob makes a sudden appearance. Paige calls it “impeccable timing” while he awkwardly smiles and neither girl give him the usual hug.
A Thai meal and a heart-to-heart in the backyard
They are now all having dinner. Apparently it’s a Thai meal that Rob must have scored from that Chef Tommy Tang or maybe it’s the leftovers from his and Erin’s beach date. In any case, as the meal progresses, Rob actually tells Erin to whom he is paying all the attention, that he just bought a book at (brace yourselves!) a bookstore. Not one to be outdone, Erin says she is reading a book about Katherine Graham, of Washington Post fame. Paige feels left out and rightfully so. Rob suggests a walk with Paige so they can have some alone time. Rob tells Paige that she drives him crazy and he really cares for her. He knows that she took off the Promise Ring for him while she slyly tells us in voiceover that she is waiting for “Another ring” to be placed on her dainty finger. He asks Paige is she considers him too old and she responds with “I think you’re perfect.” He asks if she wants kids (this guy is moving fast for the bumbler that he is) and she says she is definitely ready to have some. She loves being around him. He says that when they’re together they spend the time staring at each other, smiling at each other and kissing and that they will have so much fun together. He asks if she will pick him up at the airport and we already know that she will be more than happy to do that and anything else he wants. And that’s the end of their tete a tete until D-Day.
Rob admits to himself (and us) that he likes Paige and can see himself being happy with her. He also believes that would choose him over the million dollars. Paige is in a state of bliss. She thinks that if everything he told her is true, she will be the one chosen.
Erin is next for one on one time with Rob. She is vacillating. She has feelings for him when she’s with him but at other times she’s sure she’ll take the money. Rob now escorts her outside to the backyard while pondering that she is less likely to choose him than the mil. However, being the sentimental and lovable sap that he is he recalls that fireside chat where she told him that he grabbed her heart. She just took his breath away. What he’s desperately hoping for is that she’ll “really fall for me a little bit.” Suddenly he feels that Erin has withdrawn from him again and he has still not made up his mind. He has to judge their motives which is not an easy thing to do since they haven’t told him what they are, have they? He admits to Erin that he requires a lot of attention. He says, “I want you to know that I really like you so much, do you know that?” Erin replies, “I think so” and a lot of lip locking and spit swapping begins. After they mutually admit that they’ve had some great times together and get along so well, she thanks him and walks back to the house. She is perplexed, challenged and torn and feels that there is potential there, but I’m not sure for what.
Rob has 24 hours to figure things out and it occurs to me that nobody admits to knowing anything at this point and we are already 40 minutes into the show.
”I’m 100% sure Rob will pick you”
Erin now tells the bedazzled Paige that she is certain that Rob loves Paige and will select her as his mate. Paige is in a state of disbelief. She says it’s not possible because nothing ever works out for her. This is not what she’s been saying all along, oh well. Erin says that she knows this for a fact because she has dated a lot of guys and can tell when they are into her, but she shouldn’t even be apprising Paige of this. How right you are, big mouth!
Paige is beginning to believe this a little bit and now spills the beans that she has already decided not to take the money because her heart tells her that she can’t and we know that hearts are very important to Paige. She feels so much better with Rob now that the secret is out and she is relieved. Erin continues to blab about being sure that Rob will not pick her but that he is a good kisser. Did you have to really rub that in, Erin? You’ve seen Paige take that kind of stuff badly. Paige asks Erin what she would do if Rob proposes and Erin adamantly says, “Not to me.” Then she asks, “But what if he proposes to me?” and answers,“I would say "yes" and that would be “a guarantee from him to be with me forever” (another of Paige’s favorite words).
I have to interject here that this entire show does not utilize more than 50 words that are constantly being recycled and despite the fact that I try to make this interesting, I am really challenged by the lack of articulation.
The Final Day Is Here – Finally and At Last!
One of the girls wakes up and the other one hasn’t slept all night. You decide which is which. Paige can’t breathe and she’s nervous and confused and wants it over with. So do I, believe me, Paige! She doesn’t know how you can make a decision on faith and “just believing.” (Ask the Catholics, Paige, they do it all the time). Erin once again reiterates that Rob will not pick her and she’s sure it will be Paige. So on that note, they have lunch where Paige brings up the now infamous Promise Ring removal which Erin never even noticed. She tells Erin how she took it off during their fantasy date to the Napa Valley because “All this stuff happened.” Neither Erin nor I have the foggiest clue as to what Paige is referring to. Paige now thinks in her sleepless state that Erin is either jealous or angry because she never knew that all “of this was going on.” Huh?
Meanwhile, Rob is getting himself all spruced up for one of the “most important moments” of his life and as he is selecting the perfect attire he is still pondering the evening’s big decision. He does know that he will tell his chosen one that he knows about the man/money choice. He is going by what his heart tells him will be the right girl. The basis for his choice is a “5-year Plan” which is picturing who he can see himself together with in five years. If she chooses him he will be amazed, overwhelmed and happy.
The girls are decked out in stunning black gowns and Jordan greets them with the usual mundane, trite, banal (see how easy it is?) greeting, “Ladies, you have had an amazing experience these past weeks” and in just a few moments Rob will reveal who the woman of his dreams is. Then he tells them that they in turn, must reveal the secret that they’ve been keeping from him (as if he doesn’t know this) and the journey ends tonight. He gives Paige and Erin five lousy minutes to say their goodbyes to each other and they do the usual hugs and tears and as the last cry of “I love you, Erin” fades away, they must part.
Rob, looking very smart (ahem) in white dinner jacket and bow tie tells us that he’s very nervous because this is one of the “most important decisions of my life.” He will let fate take its course and he hopes for that fairy tale ending. I thought that this was Paige’s schtick.
Jordan now tells both ladies that it’s time and “The moment is finally here.” He tells Erin that in just a few short minutes she will find out if she is the one that has captured Rob’s heart. Rob is waiting downstairs, and when they’re ready they may join him. Paige, with her usual wisdom, informs us that this might be the beginning of the rest of her life. Undoubtedly.
The first one to approach Rob is Paige. They share a long hug while she’s asking, “Do you feel my heart beating?” God, I hope so, Paige. They both admit to being very nervous and now begins Rob’s litany of every single moment from their first meeting when she knew he was from Dallas to the time when they were upstairs and she started driving him crazy. She’s just amazing from making him forget where he is each time they kiss, to how strong, wise and smart she is. Didn’t I just say that about her? Now Rob says something surprising (even for me). He says he feels unworthy of her, and he is amazed each time she smiles at him and he’s comfortable with her and grateful that they met and spent time together. He goes on about their date. Where the hell is this going? He’s talking about reaching inside more than he ever has and he has strong feelings for her…BUT (drumbeat) and CUT to commercial.
Now Erin arrives on the scene. It’s the usual “Hi” “You look great” “You too” and now we must endure the whole “from their first meeting to this magic moment” all over again. He remembers her strong handshake. He says he was attracted to her that’s why he chose her for their “Alone date,” and then in the bi-plane she held on to him so tightly and how much fun they had. Now he asks if she remembers him talking about his mother because get this Erin seems to espouse all the good qualities that Rob’s mother possesses. All I can say is, these traits must have skipped a generation. While Paige might have opened her heart to him, he melted when Erin told him that Rob had her heart. When was this? He heard someone say that to “Live your life as if you’d done it once before” because you don’t want to repeat the same mistakes, so therefore he won’t regret what he does tonight…BUT Now everything is frozen as the women’s shocked profiles are juxtaposed in one shot. CUT to commercial again.
The Final Indignity
Paige is told that despite the strong feelings that Rob has for her, he believes he has a better chance with Erin! Oh MY GOD! I am feeling really bad for Paige here. She’s very shaken up but musters the courage to wish him the best of luck with Erin and to remind him that she meant everything that she wrote in that note. She says, “There is so much I want to say right now,” and Rob asks her to tell him. She says, “I don’t know I just…It was really nice to meet you” and walks away.
She later questions why he asked if she would pick him up from the airport and why they talked about meeting his parents. She doesn’t think she misread him, she was sure he was going to pick her. She was not in it for the money and was definitely falling in love with Rob. You’re much better off, trust me. Paige looks longingly at the check one last time before pitching it into the fire while saying, “The easy way would be not to believe in love, but I don’t ever take the easy way out” as she smiles through her tears. That was your best moment yet, Paige.
Now it’s back to Erin. Rob tell her that he has to listen to his heart and not make a decision out of fear and that’s why he’s chosen her. Erin’s look of utter disbelief makes me very uncomfortable. She says she is very flattered but there is something she must tell him and she not only tells him about the money but informs him that she is choosing the money over Rob. She swears she has never done anything for money and although she was wrestling with the “developing feelings” for him, she’s terribly sorry but that’s the way it is. She was sure that he wasn’t in love with her and she’s being practical and thinking about her parents. It is not her intention to look like a gold digger. She might still regret this but she thinks that Rob is amazing.
Now Rob turns the tables as he hands her the check for $1,000,000.00 and tells her about the deal he was offered and how she cut him out of it. Even though he knew that Paige took the ring off for him and that he would have had a greater chance with her choosing him, he knew he really wanted to be with Erin. Can I just say that this was very awkward and painful for them and for all of us viewers, I’m sure.
Rob wishes Erin the best and says he would not have wanted to be in her shoes and they end it with a hug and a “Thank you” followed by a hollow “You’re welcome.” Rob then says that he’s proud of the way he acted and that he’s learned a lot about himself. He hopes that the perfect girl is out there for him. “An unexamined life is not worth living” is his most impressive quote to date.
Erin says that had she been in love with Rob and he with her, she would not have chosen the money. So there.
Three Weeks Later
In the biggest twist yet, Jordan greets Erin as she steps out of a limo and asks if she is here for love because there will be 15 men vying for her hand or the money. He asks for the check back and says that if she has better luck than that loser Rob and can convince the guy to pick her then she gets TWO Million dollars (payable over 80 years, no doubt). She smilingly acquiesces and tosses the old check into the fireplace with a smirk and says, “I’m crazy.”
So now we know what’s in store for us for the next six weeks. It’s Erin and the Boys.
This is your faithful recapper bidding you a fond farewell.
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