Fuzzy Nipples and Squeegees
Tonight’s second, and final, episode, in this amazingly (but thankfully) fast “series” begins where we left off: in the hot tub ‘o love with Glen and the three average sized ladies. (I’m quoting “series” in jest as it hardly seems worthy of that title, I mean, this is no Roots people. And for that matter, it’s no Ishtar either. Sadly, Fox could not out-suck itself.)
So…annnyhoo…back to the hot tub. As Glen compliments the current tubbers, the little ladies spend time upstairs picking out sexy bikini’s in preparation for laying the smackdown on the average sized women (who will, from this moment on, be known as “amazons” because I’m tired of typing up “average sized women” and ASW sounds lame. Yay!)
We’re only about 3 minutes into the show before we get our first Fox sponsored blurry masses. And those blurry masses belong to one Ms. Zoe, or specifically her fuzzed out right nippleage, which apparently is just hangin’ out of her suit as the little women crash the partay and hop in the tub. Ladies, I don’t know about you all, but when my nipple is hanging out, I know it. I can’t fathom her obliviousness, but oh well, Glen clearly doesn’t mind because his little hands are a magnet for Zoe’s tattoos all night.
As Glen frolics with the ladies, we start to see him turn into super-pimp. That is we get a taste of his little gansta lingo. For example, as Zoe confides in the camera that Glen is a ladies man, Glen tells us that he’s “like mayonnaise, you can spread me all around.” Yes! Dude! Question: Are you low carb? Because this is Hollywood.
After more group tubbin’, Amy, Glen and Christina hang over an upstairs balcony and beckon the rest of the peeps to a group shower. Mika is the only one who’s game and all four end up sitting in the steam together.
When Leeann dishes to the other women about the shower happenings, a disappointed Maxie gets convinced by Kaaren to go and crash the shower area. She does, catches Glen alone, and ends up spray-washing him like a windshield, complete with squeegee and a lot of giggles. Again, this isn’t so much romantic as it is about being very clean. Or I’m assuming they’re really clean, as I’ve never been squeegee’d before. Well…not yet anyway.
The evening ends with a big pajama party with a lot of wine glass toasting and merriment in the kitchen. Glen ends up hangin’ with the amazons until the wee hours of the morn in an effort to get to know them better before having to potentially send their booties home the next morning.
Choosy Choosers Choose Jif
The show is zippin’ along fast, as it’s already the next morning and time for yet another bouquet ceremony. This time Glen will be choppin’ his choices from 8 down to 4. Being that he’s known these women for …oh…about 20 seconds of his life, he’s understandably nervous and frazzled. Let’s whip through his choices as quickly as the show does.
First bouquet: Goes to little person Leeann, because she’s very sincere and really focused.
2nd bouquet: To little person Maxie, who is apparently a “challenge” and beautiful, but with an “innocence” to her. Each time that Glen starts commenting on a woman, we see the fictitious tension rise in anticipation on whether it will be a little person or an amazon.
3rd bouquet: To another little person! Mika! Who is a real person who’s high is getting to know people, just like Glen.
In here I have to interject that the women actually look uncomfortable! They’ve known him for like, 2 days! But…whatever.
As Fox pauses for dramatic affect, we watch all the faces of the women squint and tense up as he starts describing the last woman. We’re all supposed to be nervous to find out if he’s going to pick a little lady or one of the new arrivals. We’re not. But let’s just have it pushed on us anyway, shall we, with some unnecessary dramatic pauses. Pause. Okay…let’s move on.
He says the last person is someone he really wants to get to know, and has really, really, enjoyed their conversations. Which means the fourth bouquet goes to…….*drum roll*…..Zoe!! (Yes, the same nipple bearing Zoe from the tub. Not that thaaat’s why he picked her or anything. Just sayin’.)
The leavin’ ladies react by saying things like he’s not their type, they were just there to win, yada yada. Basically all the usual B.S. Let’s get out of here and move on.
Open Wide! Here comes the choo choo!
Up next, individual dates, and really, really, freakin’ fast individual dates at that. Check out the times in between dates! No really! Check ‘em out! I wrote ‘em down and everything.
First up, Mika with an 11 a.m. skate date, otherwise known as super-crazy-cheap date number one.
Mika’s in a t-shirt, shorts, and a helmet, holding two skateboards. She’s excited it’s a skateboarding (*cough*, cheap-Fox-cheap) date because it’s her style, her “turf” and they meet up in what looks like a 7-eleven parking lot. Well not really, but man, it ain’t fancy, that’s fo shizzle. But Mika says she’s relieved with the date locale. Yeah…most ladies would be relieved when an enormous, multi-billion dollar network foots the bill for a date in a Wal-mart lot. Dang she’s generous.
They flirt, they giggle, they share sundaes. Other than a tiny wipe out sponsored by Mika, they seem to have a great time feedin’ each other sundaes, and Mika goes so far as to play “airplane” by trying to “land” the spoon in Glen’s mouth. “Wackily”, she “somehow” misses, gets it all over his face, and licks his chin. Everybody’s merry and both of them think they have awesome chemistry. The date concludes with Mika sayin’ “good-bye, sexy little daddio.”
Next up is a 1:00 p.m. fishing date with Leeann (see? I told you to look at the times. Look at how close these suckers are together!) Oh…and yet another cheap-ass date sponsored by Fox.
Anyhoo, Leeann impresses Glen by baiting her own hook and catching a huge fish. Glen impresses Leeann by catching a tiny fish and thinking she’s a great moral lady with an awesome family background. When they hold up Glen’s little fish, Leeann quips, “it’s not the size, right?” Yeah. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Whatever.
Third up is cheap date number 3 with Zoe at 3:00 p.m. Kites and a picnic with…well…really none of the fixin’s. Well, they do have something in their wine glasses, but with all the splurgin’ going on right now I’m guessin’ it’s Cold Duck. Glen tells her he’s really, really, enjoying himself, which is impressive because there are no nipples showing at this point. Zoe says she’s glad she doesn’t have to steal him anymore, which I’m thinking means from the other women, rather than actual abduction. They end up flying kites together and Glen gives Zoe a piggy back ride. He comments on her smokin’ hotness and asks her if she’s having a good time, to which she replies, “heck yeah”. He thinks she’s smokin’ hot, she thinks he’s cute and fun. Great.
The fourth and final date is a dessert date with Maxie at 5:00 p.m. Actually, this is probably the least cheap date, as they not only get to consume sugary goodness, but they actually see a psychic. Glen thinks Maxie looks totally hot in her sassy dress, and after they feed each other a bit and talk about their thoughts on children (not for awhile, and not right away in a marital relationship), Mr. Psychic comes along. He tells Maxie she’s determined and dominating, but also says that he sees a lot of potential passion in the Glen/Maxie combo. He guesses that Glen is artsy, which makes Glen happy until Psychic Dude pulls out the pregnancy card and tells Glen he needs to watch out. Glen says he’s not thinking of children right now, and Mr. Psychic tells him, dude, that’s cool, but be careful, or you will be.
Dirt Dishin’ and More Good-byes
It’s evening time again in the house o’ fun which means a girl’s dinner and another bouquet ceremony. I find myself trying to see what they’re eating more than listening to their conversation, (tasty spinach salads at one point) and have to re-focus to catch the drift, but when I listen in there’s not much to miss. This is probably, like, 3 minutes of footage all intended to make us tense about the upcoming eliminations. It doesn’t. Basically the ladies talk about who thinks who is staying and going, who’s kissed Glen so far, and other general chit chat. Leeann is sure it’ll be down to her and Mika, and all the other women assume it will be them and Mika, but Mika just says she doesn’t see this as a competition between women, but just a competition to be her best self.
Back in the bouquet room, host Dani let’s us know that tonight it’s time to halve the ladies again. All the women look slightly tense, and I don’t know why (unless it’s that spinach salad), but I digress.
1st bouquet goes to: Mika, who Glen thinks is very genuine, attractive, confident, and enjoys every second he has with her. Mika beams and kisses Glen.
Glen only has one bouquet left, and Dani steps in to lie and say how this is all going to be very excruciating for the ladies. Glen begins by addressing the three remaining ladies, and as soon as he singles out Leeann and tells her how far she'll go in life and how much focus she has, we know he's not picking her. Next he tells Zoe, the nipple bearer who is oddly in a weird granny dress circa 1884, that he enjoys spending time with her. Then he tells Maxie she has a huge heart.
Drum roll: he picks….the nipple bearer! Zoe!!
Leeann reacts by saying she’s shocked, as she thought they had a connection, thought their fish date was great, and he gave her the necklace, so wtf? Well, wtf is that Mika licked Glen and rubbed him with her booty. Zoe flashed her nipple, and let Glen check out all her tattoos. Sorry ladies, that’s the way it goes. Maxie says that although she’s disappointed, it’s not the end of the world, and there are people out there she’s sure she’s more compatible with than Glen. You go, girl!
Love Buggies and Fortune Cookies
Last up are the last two individual dates before Glen has to pick his special li’l love nugget. Up first is Zoe at the crack of dawn, waiting for Glen in a limo. They’re all punchy and cute in the wee mornin’ hours as they giggle and laugh and head to the airport to catch a chopper to Catalina Island. Glen talks about how awesome and full of life Zoe is, and she’s excited because they get to fly over her apartment.
As they zip around the island in a fun little golf cart, ho ho ho-ing all the way, Glen talks about how he thinks Zoe is super fun. Well…actually…he doesn’t say “super fun”, but uses about 30 other gushing adjectives that I choose to sum up with “super fun”. Zoe, on the other hand, says the experience is, “like….surreal.” Yeah, man. According to the Glenster, Zoe makes him feel like a man by letting him be 110 percent of himself and a big part of her life.
Over dinner footage, Glen says that Zoe’s not just a gorgeous woman...but she also has a southern accent. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, it’s just that I wasn’t expecting the second half of the sentence to go that route. I was expecting, “she’s also really nice,” or “she’s so funny” but not that she also has an accent. Okay. It's like saying: Zoe's not just a gorgeous woman...but she also wears shoes. Hmm. He says his buds will be totally jealous of him, and she says Glen is one of the nicest dudes she’s ever met. Glen seems happy and Zoe seems nice, but at the end of the date I don’t think Zoe’s feelin’ the magic beans, as she chooses to comment with, “He had a good time.” Hmmm. Well yeah, he did, but how do you feel, Zoester?
Right after Zoe and Glen chopper back to the mainland, Glen hops in a limo where he finds Mika waiting for him for his final individual date. Glen hugs her and tells her she looks very, very, gorgeous, which is cool until he commits one of the lamest faux pas by telling Mika about how awesome Zoe is, how much she makes him laugh, and that the whole entire date was absolutely “incredible.” Mika listens good-naturedly, but behind his back she grimaces and looks ready to claw his eyes out. Note to Glen: [sarcasm]All women luuuv to hear how wicked sweet another chick is while you hang with them.[/sarcasm]. Finally he somehow gets a brain cell in his head and says, "enough about that date...let's talk about OUR hot date". Mika lies and winces, "no, no, I like hearing about it. It gives me something to compare myself to." Glen wisely remains zipped.
The limo ends up in Marina del Ray where a beautiful yacht awaits with wine and chow. As they whiz over the waves, they chit chat about the future and Mika asks him to be her tour guide if she ever heads to Philly. After a short bit Glen asks to see some kind of surprise that Mika has been telling him about. The surprise? Apparently Mika went to a Chinese restaurant a few days prior to joining the current love shack and got a fortune that said, “a short stranger will soon enter your life". Mika tells the camera during a diary type thingy that this is not a fake fortune cookie, and just to prove it she holds it up to the camera. She's right....it's definitely a real tiny slip of paper that was obviously jammed into a tasty cookie at one point. Glen thinks it’s one of the most touching moments he’s had in his entire life. The date ends over dinner with violin accompaniment, and Mika tells Glen he’s been pimpin’ it. He agrees, and when she tries to fish out clues to how he feels, he keeps insisting that there is not one special lady, but two. The date ends with Mika shouting out, “Eskimo kiss!” and they rub noses together. Honestly, it’s dang cute.
Give it Away, Give it Away, Give it Away Now….
Ahhh..the moment has finally arrived. The end of the show! Woo hoo!! Yay for us!
First thing on the agenda is Glen’s meeting with the dude from diamonds.com, who cracks open a ring box to reveal……*drum roll*……..the logo for diamonds.com. Oh. And a ring too. But the logo is the first thing I see. Man product placement is getting craftier and craftier. (As a side note: when the diamond dude opens the box, I can’t help but think of Rob Schneider, and my mind wanders while I imagine the diamond guy saying, “and you put yer weed in here.” But thankfully he doesn’t.) Oh…and Dani’s here too. Didn’t I mention that? Well, yep, she’s there, if for no other reason than to describe the ring to us. Conclusion? It’s big. J. Lo big. And round. J. Lo round. For the jewel lovers: It’s a 2-carat diamond ring in a platinum setting.
Soon we’re off to the huge patio again, where it all started, and where Glen is waiting in a nice tux in a well lit gazebo. Dani wishes him luck, tells him he must choose the woman who has touched his heart, and present her with the ring.
Who’s coming out first? It’s…….Zzzzzooeee!! (So we know she’s toast.) She’s in a pink dress that looks like something my Cher doll wore in the 70’s (which isn’t a bad thing, as I totally loved that Cher doll.) Glen tells Zoe he had a fantastic time with her, that she should be proud of herself, but that he doesn’t see them together in the end. Zoe handles it well but is still disappointed, saying that it sucks to lose, but overall she seems fine.
Finally…the moment we’ve (kind of) been waiting for. Glen surprises us all and picks the diamonds.com guy! Okay..kidding. Mika comes out instead wearing a pretty wine colored spaghetti strap number. He starts by telling her he really, really, had a hard time with this, and said he had such a great time with Zoe that he couldn’t even put it into words (why the hell is this part of his "love speech" to Mika? Is he still stupid?) He then goes on to grasp Mika’s hands and tell her how Zoe made him feel like a man and how he didn’t want it to end, (yep, he’s still stupid) but that he ended up picking Mika because she won his heart. He redeems himself (slightly) here by saying her beauty runs from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet, but then puzzles us by saying that he can’t tell her the millions of words he thinks about her because he’d then have to “write a book titled Infinity ”. Well…at least the sentiment is sweet. He then grabs her hands, holds out the mega-huge rock and says it’s not an engagement ring, not a promise ring, it's just a gift, because he loves her as a friend and the ring is a thank you for being such a great person. He makes a point of asking for her right hand, and she giggles and says, “oh my God”. Finally he offers her the final bouquet and she kind of jams it aside and says she doesn’t want it, she’s too happy with the ring. Mika tells Glen he’s a generous soul and gives him multiple kisses. Let’s just say that I had her picked from the moment she bumped her booty into his body.
Suddenly Dani reappears to tell them that there’s another surprise. A cruise to the Mediterranean on a beautiful ship!! Yay! Everyone is happy, and Glen and Mika embrace, eyes shut passionately, but I don’t think it’s love of each other so much as it’s love of expensive cruise ships to exotic locales. But whatever, they’re happy and I’m happy for them. The show has ended, Glen and the ladies were splendid, and we learned that Fox actually (kind of) can handle a show with care.
e-mail the author at: Shazzer@fansofrealitytv.com