Episode One Recap: 53 Semi-suckless Minutes
Okay…who’s with me? Who was sitting there, rubbing their little rabbit foot, praying that Fox didn’t offend the bejeezus out of us? Wait…let me rephrase…I mean offend us again. Not sayin’ anything ‘bout the past. *shaking the FORTers* Live in the now, man..
I braced myself for this new mini-series, and was waiting for it to totally suck a chew toy, and well…although it wasn’t the most riveting show I’ve ever viewed due to the absolutely fantastic and non-crappy people on it (adding less drama), it did seem to be an actual dating show, Bachelor style. Who knew Fox could hold back on the suckage? Well…I mean….for 53 whole minutes anyway before they took it down a notch, and that’s sayin’ something. It must have been killing them.
The premise: Okay, if you didn’t read what I just said, let me repeat myself: This appears to be every bit the Bachelor style show, only with little people. I.e. through a series of dates, a little man seeks out luvin’ from a bevy of available laydays until he whittles it down to one sweet and tasty nugget ‘o joy.
*ahem* Let us begin.
The show opens with some Disney-esque/Father ‘o The Bride type music which I actually found quite pretty thankyouverymuch, and we end up landing on pretty host Dani (not much to say here..average host, yada yada, perfectly coifed yada yada). Pretty Dani narrates and introduces us to our groom, shown walking along the beach: Mr. Glen Foster, a 23-year-old cellular phone technician and little person with a passion for life. He’s got a certain joi de vive and I’m digging him. Born and bred in Philly, Glen describes himself as a fun guy who’s outgoing and that life is too short to not have a sense of humor, especially when you’re short in stature.
At the exact moment that Dani Behr asks: "What's he looking for in a woman?" Glen is shown casting a fishing line into the ocean. Coincidence? I think not. Such clever editors.
What Glen’s lookin’ for: A lady to love up, Philly style, i.e. with cheese, peppers, and onions, someone he can hang with, someone with a good heart, someone who’s honest, someone who’s beautiful, yada yada. Basically, different than all the people dying to meet abrasive lying hags with tiny little Grinch hearts. But there ya go. So far, Glen seems pretty decent.
What it's like being a little person: he said he's been through things that people couldn't even imagine, and that those things have made him humble, they’ve made him understanding, and they have made him very compassionate. Cue sunset and birds. We're granted both. So far, a dating show that…dare I say…seems even slightly sweeter than the average cheese-fest we're granted? (Okay, okay, that's just now. Bear with me folks. Fox will be dealing out the cheddar in no time.)
On Board the Love Train
We dive right into our adventure by zooming in on the inside of the beautiful Malibu mansion, viewing some of the loveliest little ladies ever, all drinking champagne, giggling, and waiting for lucky Glen.
Glen apears in a balcony overlooking the ladies in the party area. He holds his glass over the rail, thanks them for coming out, and comments on their loveliness. He even chucks out one of my favorite Aristotle quotes and says: "Love is composed of a single soul, inhabiting two bodies." *sigh* Glen's point score with Shazzer: plus ten…..until he taints it just slightly by going frat boy and adding: "oh…one more thing...let's party." Yeah, dude, let's.
All right, let’s hop right to the obligatory rapid greet fest where we all see women we will never, ever see nor hear from again. Glen meets all the ladies, they laugh, they flirt, it’s all good. Not much to say but to add that Glen mentions somewhere in here that he’s used to dating average sized women, but that a little woman would know exactly what he’s going through in life, so this is all kind of cool.
First alone time with Glen is spent with Maxie, 21, a pretty elementary education major with long dark hair that wants to teach the 3rd grade because the kids are not too old, not too young, and they'll be at eye-level. Maxie's take on Glen: fabulous blue eyes, witty and has a cute personality. She shimmies her shoulders ala Charo when she says "cute personality" which makes her seem cute.
Next: Marissa, 22, gives great massages. Pretty girl with long blonde-brown hair says she has “magic hands”. We will never see her and her magic hands again, I’m afraid.
Mika, 23, struggling actress in Hollywood, hasn’t dated many little people. Her take on Glen: she gets all tingly.
As Mika tells us about her love o’ gambling, Kaaren, 36 walks up in the obligatory "steal the meat" portion of dating shows, cutting into Mika's kick-ass time by saying, "do you mind if I steal him for a minute?" Just once I want to hear someone scream, "yes!” and leap onto the offender.…but that doesn’t happen. As a matter of fact, not much happens anywhere in this show, everyone is just so darn nice. *sniff* I love 'em. Instead Kaaren tells us Glen has nice eyes and that he’s pretty freakin’ charmin’.
As Glen mingles with more women we will never see again, Leeann, 26 pulls him aside to another little segment of the balcony. (Side note: how big is this balcony? More nooks and crannies than the entrance to the Spinal Tap concert stage). Anywho…she’s studying child development and child psychology. Cool. Loves working with kids. Cool. She has cute short flippy due, kind of auburn. Again…..cool. We find out she’s only dated little people before, but that she doesn’t really consider height a factor in the game of love.
Next up: Jenny, 21, a longhaired blonde who stands out by talking about her wild ways with dirt bikers etc. Says she’s “all about off-roading" To the camera she says she's very outgoing but not "hoochie" in any way. Just so you all know, hoochie means Trishelle from the Surreal Life. Jenny is none of those things. Yay!
After more small talk with various ladies, Dani walks out to let us know that the time is up (already, at 15 minutes into the show) and Glen must reduce his twelve gorgeous ladies down to five.
Different because they’ve got bouquets!!
Just so everyone knows. This is completely and utterly different than any other elimination ceremony that has ever aired on reality TV. I mean, in this ceremony they give out bouquets and not roses. Wow.
Glen asks everyone if they're nervous before giving out very personalized compliments to the women he's chosen. Let’s whip through ‘em quickly.
First bouquet o’ love: to Mika, who Glen says is very mysterious, really likes to have fun, and wants to get to know her better.
Second bouquet: to Leeann, who Glen says seems to love life and lives life to the fullest.
Third bouquet: to 36-year-old Kaaren who Glen thinks is very down to earth and easy to chat it up with.
(Let me just interject here that whenever Glen starts doling out the traits, the camera zooms in on random women who’s eyes go from joy to sudden slits of horror at not being chosen, juuuust to try to add drama to the drama-less evening.)
Fourth bouquet: to Maxie, whom Glen says smiles a lot and made him feel warm inside.
Fifth and final bouquet: to Jenny, who Glen thinks has a heart that’s “as clear as day”.
The five bouqueted ladies move into the mansion with Glen, share one bathroom, and all decide that he’s totally cool.
Booty bumpin’, balls, and man stealing
I could try to sell this to you by telling you the show gets intensely more interesting here…but…..that would be a lie. The ladies are just too wonderful, and Glen is a great guy. There’s no smackdown, no broken bottle fights, no name calling, nada. Just a big, fuzzy, group date to a golf course.
Right off the bat, Mika puts the moves on Glen with the old “I need help” line. It works. She backs her booty into Glen’s welcome little self, rubbin' and bumpin' it a bit while he laughs merrily. Kaaren waits about two seconds before using the same move, except with much less booty action.
Just as Glen is about to grind with Leeann, booty-bumpin’ Mika sucks him away for more alone time. Although she’s genuinely attracted to Glen, she tells us she’s totally in it to win and will do whatever it takes to make it happen. She plants a big smooch on Glen’s lips and tells him he’s a really nice guy. Glen says she’s a really, really nice girl (the extra “really” possibly due to the booty grind…but what do I know.)
Kaaren’s alone time consists of duck feeding with a huge-ass piece of bread, and talks of her 6 foot 5 twin brother. She’s a fantastic lady, but her only concern is the 13-year age difference. But Glen thinks it rocks, citing the couple that most people cite when talkin' about long-lastin' love: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.
Leeann gets alone time too, and we see them enjoying themselves while she complains slightly about the competitiveness of Maxi and Mika…but still…no smackdowns, no screaming matches…everyone behaves. Rats.
The group date ends with Maxie talking about how difficult it is for a little person to find another little person they have chemistry with. She confesses she’s lookin’ for love, and dangit if I don’t hope she finds it.
Hoe down and Chow down
All right, second group date, nooot a lot goes on here. Yada yada. At this point in the show…I’m starting to get a bit bored and wondering if anything really exciting is going to happen. It doesn’t. I’m sorry. Basically, they all head in a stretch hummer to a line dancing lesson where Mika announces she’s a “gansta” and isn’t into line dance. They all have a great time, though, and soon Glen is asked to pick a lady to solo with, and he chooses Maxie, which in the end doesn’t really matter as soon Mika cuts in, then Leeann, and on down the list. Everyone thinks everyone else looks sexy. They dance, all are merry. We move on.
Soon it’s time for chow, and Glenn and the ladies are all sitting around ready for consumables when Dani comes in and tells him he has to pick just one woman to dine with, because there will be another bouquet ceremony that evening. She hands him a floating heart necklace and let’s Glen pick out his lady by placing it upon her neck. He zooms right on over to the lovely flippy-do’ed Leeann.
In a weird little meant-to-be-dramatic-but-so-isn’t scene, Glen and Leeann head out to the patio for chow…and as coinkidink would have it…it just so happens to be right in front of the window the other ladies are chowin’ near. We find this out when Dani suddenly reappears to try and add drama by opening the drapes and exclaiming…”how do you like your view, ladies?” Um…yeah.
In a nutshell: The girls inside chat about how cool and great Glen is, while Glen and Leeann chat about how great it would be to have kids that were little people too. Glen says he picked Leeann because she’s genuine and easy to talk to, and both of them talk about their parents. Hers? Little people. His? Average sized folk.
About the only thing remotely dramatic about the evening is Maxie’s slice on Mika, who just got done complimenting Leeann as a conversationalist, saying about herself that she has nothing to say. Maxie sputters and says incredulously, “I think you have a lot to say,” as she guffaws and makes the talky talky hand gesture. See? I told you it wasn’t dramatic. *sigh*
The not-even-a-little-bit surprising twist
As they prepare for the next rose...er..I mean "bouquet" ceremony, the women contemplate on what a hard time he'll have choosing. Glen agrees, saying that all the women are gorgeous in their own little way. In one hidden camera chat Mika jokes that even if they’re booted, they stick around anyway. (Btw, aren’t hidden camera chats supposed to be filled with amazing reveals, constant tension, and/or grope-fests? We get none of these.)
At 9:30 p.m. we’re all finally getting ready for the second bouquet ceremony. But host Dani stops it by saying that there’s a twist, because there’s just gotta be a twist. Gee…wonder what it is.
They’re adding three more women…all average sized. *gasp* Wow. Honestly, though, when the first average-sized woman walks out, despite my pre-knowledge of this fact, I honestly feel slightly taken aback by the lame-ness of it. The little women look completely uncomfortable and/or ticked off and I don’t blame them. Heck, I think even Dani is embarrassed. Glen’s mouth drops, the lady’s mouths drop, and I feel “bleh” and eat another cookie.
The first woman: Kristina, long dark hair, currently a student at PCC who asks him how he’s been, kisses him, messes up his cheek with tons of lipstick and says she looks forward to meeting him riiiiight after she juuuust did.
Then Zoe walks in, another casting wonder in a black dress. The 22-year-old from TN asks him if he’s having fun, and looks like she isn’t.
Lastly, 25-year-old Amy walks in, a very tall blonde from St. Louis. She looks as uncomfortable as the viewers and says nervously, “this is interesting,” before slinking back next to the other new ladies.
Leeann looks incredulous, Maxie looks angry, and the rest of the women look non-plused. Dani asks Glen if he's surprised and he genuinely does look surprised and says, "that's a twist". I'm thinkin wtf. Yeah, yeah, I saw it coming…but still…it kind of bites.
Dani tells him there will be an elimination ceremony tomorrow morning, and that he will have to half the 8 women down to four. And just to be "fair" to the new women, Fox has somehow managed to heat up the hot tub so that he can join the new ladies in it starting now. Hmmm…how conveeeenient.
Next we see the average sized women coming out in bikinis to some heavy-duty porn soundtracks. Of course it's slow motion. Glen says he's loving every minute of it. Of course he is. Check out the camera shots and how they focus in on the yabbos of all the women. We get underwater shots of yabbos, overhead shots of yabbos...so many yabbo shots that I'm startin' to feel a bit uncomfy. Kristina and her yabbos make a toast to "having fun".
As the original woman talk about sticking together and kickin’ it up a few notches, the show closes on a freeze-frame of Glen givin’ us the lounge-singer double guns in the hot tub with the words “To Be Continued” blazed across his cute face.
Tune in next week for the conclusion, when Glen hoists an average-sized woman over his head and a bunch of people take a shower together. We're left with a quote from Glen that says, "If she wants it she'll work for it."
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