So, tonight on Last Comic Standing, we're treated to Bill Bellamy thinking he is Ryan Seacrest. This....Is....Last Comic Standing.
We begin in Los Angeles, California where we expect to run the gamut of
freakstalent. Our celebrity talent scouts for LA are Oscar Nunez and Angela Kinsey from The Office. Angela strikes an amazing resemblance to Sarah Paulson.
- Ron G. begins with a dreamsnatcher story of his ex-fiancee. She sounds like a charmer
- Dana Eagle is for some reason asked to come back
- Juan Acala has a Fisher Price House on his head. However, he apparently doesn't want to be a comic, he tells us over and over. I think he missed the Toy Expo.
We're treated to some psychos, yellers, people with no clothes, little clothes, big clothes, and some just bad clothes. What else is new for LCS auditions.
- Amber Tozer - thinks she's a cross between Punky Brewster and Avril Lavigne. I think she's totally Amber Tamblyn from Joan of Arcadia. Similar names - change of career perhaps since the moral compass of America has declined and we don't care to watch God shows anymore? (see: Roma Downey). I think she sucked but they put her through.
This is the point in the show I tell you I refuse to acknowledge Fearne. She's so useless and a waste of time and a paycheck.
- Adam Richmond - classic Jews & Jesus bit. Put through.
- Dos Spanish Flies are a bad singing fake Hispanic duo that inexplicably get through.
This is also the point in the show that confirms for me that it's not about finding good comedians. It's about filler for a long 2 hours.
- Chris Fairbanks is dry and funny. He's definitely watchable and put through.
- Jacob Sirof is a Jedi Master (he should have trained under Howie from Big Brother). He's a geek and proud of it with the Buddy Holly glasses (and reference) to prove it. He too gets the handmade pass to the showcase.
- Erin Foley does a screeching rendition of a locksmith. She gets through.
- Jackie Kashain tries to be funny. She's put through & I hope she's a little funnier.
- We then get Buck B'Gak's cousin Elvis Poultry (didn't think you'd see another Buck B'Gak reference, didja?)
- Eddie Pepitone returns to Last Comic Standing *ding ding producer plant alert producer plant alert* He amazingly moves on to the nighttime showcase.
- Ruby Wendell is a hugger. Not even a chuckle from me. But, I'm no celebrity talent scout, so she moves on.
- Ben Gleib - women are like fire, apparently. I would like to stick my head in the flames. Oscar agrees.
- Patrick Ford was a corporate executive leaving it all behind to do comedy. Apparently all those drunk corporate conventioneers convinced Patrick he was much better than he really is. Bye Patrick! I hear there's an opening in the Accounting Department of Wikipedia.
- Then I actually sit through Count Smokula.
- Jennifer Murphy is 30 and likens herself to a 50% off marshmallow peep. I need some of those right about now for some energy for the next hour and a half. That's right, we still have 90 glorious minutes remaining!
We see a fake Honda commercial with unmentionable, waste of a co-host at the wheel with 6 guys in the back and Whitney Cummings' comedy coming from the passenger seat. Apparently, we're supposed to go to their website and rate them. Wonder if those guys are ratables for next week and beyond.
So we finally get to the LA showcase. It's so hard to know these comedians in the 10.4 seconds we're shown.
- Ron G. and his Big G. belt buckle does a brotha bit. He's entertaining.
- Erin Foley disses Mississippi and does a nonstoptalkingnevershuttingup skit about Wachovia. She's funny enough.
- StarTrek Wannabee Jacob Sirof is up. Talks of kids and anniversaries and fat chicks. Not together. No StarTrek talk. Good decision Jacob
- Dana Eagle does a realllllllly bad granny panties bit. She scares me.
- Jennifer Murphy sounds constipated. She scares me more than Dana
- Adam Richmond is loud. Tourists, texting. Just loud.
- Esau McGraw (who I think totally resembles Alonso Bodden) comes on stage. He untucks his shirt and discusses his dysfunctional family.
TamblynTozer was a 1-hour lesbian. She's semi amusing and comfortable on stage.
- Ben Gleib has a kickin' shirt. It says "I love liquor". Which I should really be drinking while watching this. He does a bad Girls Gone Wild bit. Meh.
- Meghan Hounshell "comes out" with her guitar. Sort of.
- Chris Fairbanks doesn't fear identity theft
After (another) commercial break, we're subjected to more torture.
- Dos Spanish Flies are thoroughly annoying singing about farting. Smell the love. Or not.
- Jackie Kashian - husbands/video games/war re-enacters. She seems natural on stage and much funnier than audition. I like her.
- Avi Lieberman - went bed shopping and taught elementary school. Not at the same time.
- Ruby Wendall - re-enacts a Valtrex commercial. Badly.
- Eddie Pepitone - old, loud and hates rappers. Did I mention LOUD? Ugh.
We finally, FINALLY, get to who they choose to move on to the semifinals. Bill announces the winners
- Erin Foley
- Ron G.
- Eddie Pepitone - which is when I start calling BS! BS!. He isn't funny. At all. Not sure why the producers seem to be pushing him through.
- Jackie Kashain (totally happy about this pick)
So there's 50 more minutes of filler in Houston for them to only select 2 more people So that's 120 minutes for 6 semi-finalists. They need a time management class. Or at least bring back Cashmere Mafia.
Our talent scouts in the lonestar state are Alfonso Ribiero, affectionately known to me as Carlton, and Neil Flynn of Scrubs.
I immediately look at my watch and hope there's 5 more minutes left. There's not. There's 45.
- Chris Voth - mime bit and cocaine. Strange combo, but he's funny. They move him on.
- Paul Varghese - he looks familiar. I should google him. He moves on. (I do google him, he was on LCS2)
- "Some Guy" is put through with a narcotics bit. He's "some guy" because they didn't tell us his name. Maybe because they're running out of time. (they're not).
- SomeGuy 2 moves on.
- Then SomeGirl moves on.
- These anonymous comics are kicking ass
- Andi Smith does a gross hotel bit. She also looks familiar to me and I'm not sure why. Dry delivery. Moves on.
- A lifesize Madam the puppet named Jezebelle hops on stage. I'm speechless
We're then subjected to people with scissors in their nose, bad costumes, worse jokes and a Robin Williams wannabee, not to mention bowling ball jugglers. Shoot me. Now.
- Keisha Hunt - ghetto girl in the burbs. Much deliberation, but they move her on.
They feed some good looking BBQ food to the people in line and I need a beer.
- So we then see a vision in yellow - Sheyla Almeida. She's a 36FFF or so. "They" are her comedy. "They" aren't funny, but we get the closest thing to a lapdance we can get through a television. Talk about High Def. After being rejected, she says she's not ready for comedy because she's a real actress. I hear there's a part available in "Sheyla Does Houston". Call Debbie in Dallas for more information.
- Bob Biggerstaff fits up to his last name. He's a big dude. He does a Yankee hating joke. I hate him. He better hate the Red Sox at the showcase or I'll still hate him.
- Ian Varella - has a dry erase pad who comes to life. No go.
- The Other Brothers juggle and almost drink a beer without touching it. They suck.
- Mark Agee - Walmart actually makes me laugh. He moves on.
- Danny Rios - does roller derby commentary. He could use a tooth makeover. Complains about the homeless and they move him on. I think he froze the left half of my brain. ($2 for anyone who gets the Charles DeMar reference)
So we get to the actual showcase. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.
- Billy D. Washington (who I believe is SomeGuy1) - all over the place, but entertaining
- Mark Agee - hates vegetarians. I like him - he's actually funny.
- Paul Varghese - Indian history & jokes. I really remember him now and I like him. He's fun.
- Andi Smith - Texas jokes - not so smart in Houston, but what do I know. She's very dry.
- Saleem Muhammed - aka SomeGuy 2. Fat jokes. Meh.
- Danny Rios - he's entertaining in a strange sort of way.
- SomeGirl is now known as Sarah Tollemache. She does dumb video game jokes.
- Chris Voth with a V (not with an N as in Mr. Big). Sports bits. Funny stuff. I like him a lot.
We're getting close. Are you awake? WAKE UP!! Okay, next up....
- Keisha Hunt - a mini Wanda Sykes
- Bob Biggerstaff - self checkout stuff. I want my self to check out. Now.
We get to the final moments of the show and find out the last 2 who move to the semis this week.
- Andi Smith (Why oh why??)
- Bob Biggerstaff
Well, I'm not fond of these choices. I would have chosen Paul Varghese and Chris Voth. But who am I?
We are treated to "only" 1½ hours next week. This season gives us foreign cities like Nashville, Miami, San Francisco, Minneapolis and Canada. That's really international!
If your DVR cut off the last 30 seconds and you wish it were the last 30 minutes, PM me