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Thread: Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap

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    Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap

    Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...thank you all for coming to the FORT...and specifically to the Last Comic Standing Forum here on the FORT.

    YES! Great energy in the room tonight! I love it!

    Let's keep this going throughout the entire show, huh?

    My name is pg13 and I'm very happy to be here tonight...very happy to be your recapper...we should have a GREAT show tonight. It's GOT to be because THIS week...NO HECKLER CHALLENGE.

    Already...it's a better show.

    Oh, and of course...some people who were here last week...are NOT here this week.

    Already...it's a better show.


    No, no...I kid. I kid because I love...it's true.

    Good that you laughed at that though--it's always a good idea to have an comedy show audience that is going to laugh at jokes, when they hear them... You'd think that'd be a requirement...but it isn't. Maybe that's why many comedy clubs have a two drink minimum requirement...

    Speaking of which--how about a hand for our hard working waitstaff here tonight, huh? Treat them well and they will treat you very well...at least until you no longer notice how they're treating you.

    Then...abracadabra...MAGIC!!!

    Well, ok...not magic... Let me try that again...

    Abracadabra...COMEDY!!!

    That's better. I felt like Bullwinkle Moose there for a second.

    "Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a stand-up comedy-based reality show out of my hat!"
    "Again?!?!?!"


    All right...enough of that... You know the rules. No cell phones, no table talk...comedy only really works when you pay attention...

    Let's go to the show.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: The pg13 LCS Recap
    Episode Eight: Prepare For Comedy Battle, Knave! (And roll for initiative) (Part One)
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    What used to last all season, now lasts only three weeks. What is it?

    A hair coloring? A bikini wax? Lindsay Lohan's sobriety?

    No, I'm sorry...NONE of those answers are correct.

    The answer we were looking for is: The Last Comic Standing "Challenge" Round.

    Last week, we sent our top ten finalists through the worst challenge that has ever been created (yes--worse than the Season One scavenger hunt that nobody really bothered to participate in...)--and that would be the Heckler Challenge. Next week...will be the LAST challenge...and, evidently, we'll be going to straight stand-up performances judged by the general public...

    At some point, you've got to wonder what the point of all it is...don't you?

    AND, you've GOT to hope that tonight's challenge will be a good one... One that truly tests each comic's TRUE comedic abilities. You'd hate for them to waste 33% of their challenge opportunities on something demeaning and silly...

    But, of course, we first get a montage of everything that happened last week. Once again, we're to be convinced that the Heckler Challenge was a good thing...that either someone yelling at the comedian on stage or comedians being mean to someone in their audience is supposed to be funny (or expected at a comedy show.) Once again, we're reminded that Lavell Crawford earned immunity by making fun of a fat woman (...seriously, that was pretty much the extent of it, right?)--and, on top of immunity, he was given a major showcase performance at the Just For Laughs comedy festival in Montreal, Canada.

    Cool that we got to see footage of Lavell Crawford actually performing during that Just For Laughs showcase--but, it DOES lose something from the first two seasons when you actually got to see the winners of these bonuses getting their rewards while the other contestants stewed about it in the house... There's a huge disconnect from what we're seeing and the "real-time" in which these things are happening.

    "I hate to fly anyway, because they always mess with fat people," Lavell said, resplendent in a fine white suit and bowler hat combination. "Every time I'm on the plane, I can hear people praying as I walk down the aisle... Please, God, don't let his fat ass sit near me."

    Interesting that we didn't see ANY of the Dante versus Doug Benson heckle battle--which was the one element of the Heckler Challenge that seemed worthy of being considered funny (and certainly spiked the view rate of certain unofficial YouTube videos...as I understand that people who were watching last week's show in some parts of the country missed this part of the show due to breaking news updates on the I-35W Bridge Collapse.)

    The montage continues...and we see scenes from the first head-to-head-to-head showdown...where Ralph Harris emerged victorious and both Gina Yashere and Dante were sent home.

    Well, Dante, I imagine, went home...San Diego is just a short drive down the road, after all. Gina Yashere is still here in the US--trying to get as much work as she can before she heads back home. On her MySpace blog, Gina wanted to let everyone know that, contrary to how she feels her performance was edited, she actually did very well during her performance that night--complete with "punchlines" and "applause breaks."

    Again...I think the choices that the Magical Elves are making...are making it very hard for people to care about this show. We're deprived of getting to know these comics in a collective environment (like the "house" or the "boat")--so, we can't care about them as people. Yet, we're not being shown their actual (and un-edited or un-sweetened) performances--so, we can't really care about their relative merits as performers.

    Nevertheless, the show has already been picked up for a SIXTH season next year...with Bill Bellamy returning as host.

    I guess nobody cares that we don't care...just as long as we watch...

    And now that the montages are over...we can start to watch THIS week's action, right?

    We begin in the Comedians Lounge at the Last Comic Theatre from LAST WEEK'S head-to-head-to-head showdown. This is because the Magical Elves want to borrow ANOTHER moment from a different reality show--this time, it's not American Idol they're hacking (oh...sorry..."borrowing from")...it's The Apprentice. They shut down the feed in the Comedians Lounge so the non-competing comedians don't know who won the showdown...leaving them to wonder until someone comes through the curtain as the comedian who didn't get Trumped...I mean...fired...errrr...elimina ted...whatever...

    Coming through the curtain this week? It's Ralph Harris. Of course, we at home already know this...because last week, WE saw him earn 62% of the theater audience's vote...

    "That's two thirds," Ralph Harris says in a voice over as he accepts the congratulations from his fellow comedians, who were slagging off Dante pretty seriously during the showdown itself, "I think I did pretty darn good lettin' 'em know that I'm qualified and capable of being here..."

    You want to know how much respect Ralph has earned himself? Lavell Crawford actually got up and out of his chair. I don't think he'd have done that for Dante.

    Matt Kirshen invokes the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing by saying that at some point he'd like to compete in a showdown--he tries to temper that foolish (and foreshadowing) statement by saying that he's happy to have avoided it in the first week.

    Doug Benson, in trying to suggest that things are getting harder with people being eliminated, not easier, says that you don't know what's in store for you. "Out of nowhere," Doug says, in a phrase that is dripping with ill portent, "Someone could say...'Here, put on a dumb costume and look like an idiot.'"

    Now, that SHOULD be the cue for Mel Silverback--but despite the fact that we do a transition from that night to some other day, and despite the fact that the Last Comic Standing short bus rolls up to wherever it is that our eight remaining finalists are sequestered...there is no ape shown driving the bus. I'm beginning to think that seeing Mel last week was just a moment of stunt casting. What's next? Will we see Flavor Flav drive the bus? William Hung? Ross the Intern?

    Nope...just a driverless ride on a sunny California day. People are wearing sunglasses...Amy Schumer is wearing heart-shaped sunglasses...suggesting that the Magical Elf in charge of costuming is as anal-retentive in their job as that guy from Bravo's "Flipping Out" is... Yeah, I get it...we're supposed to think that Amy is America's Sweetheart, so you had her wear heart-shaped sunglasses... You don't have to lay it on THAT thick.

    Unless, those are actually Amy's own sunglasses...in which case, "Calm down, Amy...you don't have to lay it on THAT thick."

    As Gerry Dee and Debra DiGiovanni talk about the brutality of the competition and the mystery that is the next challenge, the short bus screeches to a stop outside of a theme restaurant familiar to anyone who saw the Jim Carrey/Matthew Broderick movie "The Cable Guy."

    Lavell, it seems, is not one of those familiar with that film...and his reaction tells us all we need to know about where the comics are...

    "Medieval Times," Lavell says with disgust, dismay and dismissal, "What the hell?"

    Medieval Times is a Chuck E. Cheese for people who should have stopped playing Dungeons & Dragons years ago. Medieval Times is for people who don't want to take the 45 minute flight to Vegas to watch the dinner show at Excalibur. Medieval Times...is like one of the themed worlds at the Delos resort in that movie "West World"--only without the robots killing all of the guests...

    Are you getting the picture? This isn't a comedy club...this is a dream come true for members of the Society for Creative Anachronism. Heaven knows what the Magical Elves have planned for our brave party of adventurers...

    It's a castle...sort of. And there's even a full plate mail suit of armor in the hallway where the comics are--GAHHHHH!!! IT MOVED!!! The suit of armor moved...the visor comes up...IT'S BILL BELLAMY!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !

    Amy Schumer screamed. Lavell Crawford might have jumped--but he did not actually get any air. Doug Benson felt up Bill's metallic and armored nipples (...and, really, why wouldn't he?)

    Bill learns that a full suit of plate armor is a BEAST to try to walk in...much less fight in... Yet, he gamely makes his way...leading the comics to the middle of an indoor jousting run...the Grand Ceremonial Arena, as the Medieval Times website describes it.

    "I don't know what's next," Doug Benson says, "I hope no one gets medieval on my ass."

    In the Arena, Lances Splinter! Broadswords Clash! Suddenly, I wish that Dante was still in the competition...because...you never know. (I'm not saying that I'd want anything bad to happen to anyone...but, there are REASONS that all reality show participants sign all of those release forms...)

    What the comics are watching is a demonstration of the dinner show that patrons in Orange County enjoy at the Medieval Times restaurant. Jon Reep and Gerry Dee see this and half-way convince themselves that they might be asked to do some of this stunt work. Thanks for playing along guys, seriously...

    Debra DiGiovanni, on the other hand, seems enthralled by the spectacle of it all. "It was kind of scary. Because there were...guys on horses...and they had these...swinging balls."

    And yes, Debra was instantly aware of how many twelve year old boys were at home snickering at the fact that she's just said that men had swinging balls... You can take the Butthead off the television, but you can't take him off the couch in front of it...

    We watch all of this until someone remembers that part of this product placement deal with Medieval Times included showing footage of the comedians enjoying the wonderful four course meal that is served to all guests at Medieval Times. (And, if you've seen "The Cable Guy"--you can insert Janeane Garofolo's joke about how they don't give you silverware, but you do get to drink Pepsi...because that's what I did at this point in time in the show.)

    It's a feast set on a long table...with Lavell Crawford at the head of the table. If Lavell weren't a real person, but instead the cartoon he often reminds me of, he'd just lean down on the table on his end...it would tip up and all of the food would go right into Lavell's mouth and end up in his stomach. Maybe he'd burp and out would come one of the table candle settings...

    Watching the comics eat this hearty meal without silverware is mildly amusing. It's no Dave-catches-the-rat, or Todd-slams-a-bunch-of-doors...and certainly it's no Dat-plays-hide-and-seek...but it's something. Everyone seems to comment on Matt's eating style...how he's a small young man with huge teeth. Now, in previous recaps I've described him as being like a little "rat-like boy." My girlfriend disagreed with me...suggesting that he looks more chipmunk-esque. Either way, we're talking some sort of strange Human/Rodent hybrid...and, on an island somewhere, Dr. Moreau is upset at letting one of his accomplishments go missing.

    Doug Benson gets his Pudge Rodriguez on...by turning a bread loaf into a catchers mitt and demanding that someone throw an apple his way. The first one hits him right in the glove...but Doug can't squeeze the bread enough to catch it. The next apple toss goes right into an open flagon on the table and the lid closes after it. Remarkable, truly remarkable. (Oh, the throw was ok...but prior to this, I've never been able to use the word flagon in a sentence that didn't somehow involve rolling strangely shaped dice on a Saturday night when girls were somewhere going undanced with...)

    Ruining the suspension of disbelief is that when Doug picked up the flagon to chug it, in celebration of Lavell's incredibly accurate toss, a clearly visible bar code remained on the bottom. I don't really remember anyone in Camelot being THAT concerned about inventory. (Maybe if they had been, they wouldn't have had to search high and low for one silly old grail, huh???)

    Properly sated with food and drink, Bill Bellamy lays tonight's challenge on us: Last Jester Standing. The rules are simple. Each comedian is to perform a ninety second "medieval themed" set. The Last Jester standing at the end of the third round will get immunity.

    WHAT?

    ...pause...rewind...play...

    Each comedian is to perform a ninety second "medieval themed" set. The Last Jester standing at the end of the third round will get immunity.

    ...pause...rewind...play...

    Each comedian is to perform a ninety second "medieval themed" set.

    ...pause...

    OK, I get that. Not EVERY comedian is good at "writing to suit"--as they call it. And, usually, in cases where you're asked to "write to suit"--you have some time to prepare that material... This will be a test of a comedian's ability to quickly generate material...material that I doubt ANY of these comedians have, going in...

    But what was that OTHER part?

    ...play...

    The Last Jester standing at the end of the third round will get immunity.

    Third round? So...do they have to come up with THREE ninety second sets? Are they only getting thirty seconds a time...three rounds of thirty seconds equaling ninety seconds? What...?

    I'm just going to have to watch...figure things out in context, I guess...

    The food is taken away and the comedians are left with an unannounced amount of time to come up with their material. While they do that, Amy Schumer graces us with ANOTHER example of how generic her World Peace answers can possibly be. In this case, she talks about how important it is for her to get immunity...since she thinks she's a target, because she hasn't been doing it as long as everyone else.

    "I just knew I had to fight for my life," Amy says...in a rather weak way of trying to play into this challenge's medieval conceit.

    I give Amy a hard time for her "World Peace"--but she does fulfill a vital role in the minds of the editors. She says the painfully obvious things that some people need to have said for them to understand what's going on... (But did anyone explain the CHALLENGE RULES TO ME WHEN I NEEDED THEM? Noooooooooooooooooooo...)

    Debra thinks that tonight's challenge "really IS a test to see who the better comedians are...because you have to be able to write on the fly. So, tonight, is going to show...who the funniest comics are..."

    Actually, that's not necessarily true. There are plenty of great comedians who have "an act" and they go out and perform that act, the same way, night after night, show after show, town after town, year after year... Neither is making jokes in a medieval theme a true test of topical comedian or a character-based comedian...

    This is a stunt--just like Fear Factor...just without the bugs...

    ...and actually, I can't be sure there won't be bugs...


    The night has come, the arena is full...the spotlights (Verily, what magic is this that produces a light out of the darkness so strong as to light up a man clear as day?) are on...and Bill Bellamy addresses the Orange County Medieval Times going crowd. If one senses that they might be a bit impatient with all of this, it's probably because they paid good money to see people get axed, lanced and bludgeoned...and no one seems to be doing that to Bill at the moment.

    Bill introduces the first two jesters: Lavell Crawford and Doug Benson. (What? No fancy Comic Picker 2000(tm) this time?) Lavell Crawford, in blue and red, looks...honestly...like they used a spare circus tent and tied it off with rope to form a costume. Doug, done up more in the style of a playing card joker, has proven his own statement about stupid costumes to be accurate prophecy.


    Yes...what an amazing chance of a lifetime getting on Last Comic Standing is... I'm sure that at these moments everyone who waited in line...in the cold...for their thirteen seconds to impress Ant are silently wishing that THEY could be the ones humiliated in front of both a live audience at Medieval Times AND on national network television (granted, it IS only NBC...but still...).

    Lavell says that he looks like a giant beach ball...and that's horrifying. Doug, on the other hand, trips over his own feet on his way across the sandy floor of the arena to join Bill in the center of the ring. Doug has claimed on another message board that he purposefully tripped--to try to get some laughs and/or sympathy for himself as he knew that just by looking at Lavell, people would laugh at him more than Doug.

    And you went with tripping over your feet to try to even things out, Doug? You're a regular Tony LaRussa there...aren't you?

    "Mine was like a dress," Doug says, describing his outfit. "I was like a court jester slash tranny..."

    I'm beginning to piece the challenge together. Two jesters perform against each other...and then the crowd votes with their flags--the same way they might choose which knight was bravest in battle, perhaps...

    And the beginning and the end of each individual jester's set will be marked by a fanfare of trumpets. Lavell, however, gets midway through his opening medieval-ism, asking the crowd "How are ye?" before the opening fanfare hits. Ooops. Lavell recovers nicely...since, at this point, nobody really understands what's happening to know that something's gone wrong.

    "I hope you like my outfit," Lavell says to the gathered throng around him, "I got it at the Medieval Big and Tall."

    Not bad.

    "I used to be a white knight, but I fought a dragon...and he smoked me."

    That's pretty funny. And that's all we get of Lavell.

    The trumpets blare and Doug takes his microphone (Verily, I must ask what bewitchings have produced a stick that one holds and can make a man's voice thunder like a dragon's roar?) and tries to take on Lavell's casual charm with energy.

    "WHERE ARE MY WENCHES AT?" Doug yells, getting a few women in the audience to cheer--in what must be one of the oddest games of Marco Polo ever played. "OHHHHHHH, YEAAAAAAAAAH!"

    Not funny, just loud.

    "I have good news and I have bad news," Doug announces. Someone in the audience shouts back, wanting to know the bad news. "The bad news...thank you for asking...is if I do not win this competition...the King will have me flogged to within an inch of my life."

    The crowd cheers the thought. Is that worse than heckling? Or is it just a sign that patrons of Medieval Times expect to see some maces mashing shields and not quickly written jokes being told?

    Whatever the answer, Doug isn't finished with his joke...

    "The good news is...I...LIKE IT..."

    Pretty funny.

    Doug is about to go into a joke about traffic when the trumpets blare again...meaning that he's out of time.

    Both jesters are brought out...the crowd is instructed to wave their red flags for Lavell, their white flags for Doug. The long continuous shot that includes both comedians and the start of the flag waving seems to show that far more white flags are being waved. The edited in "cut-away" shot (which could have been filmed at ANY time) clearly show more red flags waving. Now, I'm not putting on my tinfoil hat...but, as I've said before...I don't trust this show any further than I can throw it. (And with my bad hip, I shouldn't be throwing anything...)

    Bill, stepping in where I personally think the KING, who is in attendance in his royal box, should have been granted the honor of making "the call," announces that Lavell has won this jester joust...and Doug Benson is lead away by the executioner...where he is beheaded...his bloody neck stump spraying all over the Cub Scout troop in the front row...and his lopped-off head, still riffing about Dante's act, lying in a basket next to the chopping block.

    Not really. The executioner just leads him back stage where he and Lavell rejoin the rest of the comedians. But MY way would have been more exciting, don't you think?

    Lavell says this was the ultimate challenge, because there weren't any black people in Medieval Times. (What? He never saw "Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves"?) He said that he'd never go to crap like a Renaissance Faire.

    Oh, Lavell. Can't we all just get along?

    Doug says that he's a little bummed that he's out of the challenge for immunity, but he doesn't mind the thought of possibly going to the head-to-head, explaining, "Because then...I can do MY ACT...in NORMAL CLOTHES."

    Because without his normal clothes, Doug Benson is powerless...like Samson without his hair...

    And with THAT image in mind, let's go to our first commercial break, shall we?

    ----
    "SPARTANS!!!!" shouts the commander in the newly-released-on-DVD "300", "TONIGHT...WE DINE...IN HELL!!!"

    Whoa...the Spartans are dining at Medieval Times??? Weird!

    Oh, in case you ever wondered how nerdy I am...the first time I saw the ad for "Chuck" when Chuck is at the Nerd Herd kiosk and his buddy says "Stop the presses, who is THAT?"--without ANY PROMPTING WHATSOEVER, I said the exact same "Vicki Vale...Vicki Vale...Vic-Vic-Vicki Vale" that Chuck did, which is used as a joke showing how incredibly nerdy he is.

    Dude. That was PRINCE who did that song with those "Batman" samples. Next thing you know, you'll be telling me that PRINCE is a nerd or something...


    OK, just let that one go by, would you? Thanks...

    -----

    Hope everything got what they needed to get or did what they needed to do during the break...because you won't want to miss a moment of talented comedians being humiliated on network tv!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eee!

    We're back at Medieval Times--although no Spartans are in evidence, we do have Bill Bellamy and that's as close as we'll get.

    Next Jester Joust pits Ralph Harris against Jon Reep.

    Jon says that he actually likes his jester outfit. "I look like some sort of a redneck pimp," he explains.

    Jon tries to play up to the audience by giving props to Renaissance Faires. It's a long set-up that seems suspiciously cribbed from a routine that might originally have been about State Fairs, but whatever. "At a good fair, the animals watch the people."

    ...and that's it. Hasn't really set the bar very high, if that's the best that could be salvaged in the editing.

    How will Ralph do? Ralph...the man who single handedly eradicated Gina and Dante from the competition...proving himself to be a top competitor...

    Ooooh, Ralph bit it. He bit it hard. People were ripping off his limbs and chewing on his bones (because they HAD no silverware)--THAT'S how bad HE bit it...THEY were biting him!

    Ralph, it seems, wants to do his regular act...but in the style of a community theatre production of an unwritten Shakespearian play. Shorn of his ability to be himself or the opportunity to mimic a recognizable family member of more modern times, Ralph is a weaponless knight. The pressure grew so strong that he actually lost his place...a mistake more likely found in Ego Trip's The White Rapper Show (big ups to my man MC Serch and hizzoner Prince Paaaa-uuuuuuuul) than on Last Comic Standing.

    Ralph encountered "Orange" on the Comedy Threat Level Scale...SILENCE. Silence is only one step below "Red"--and "Red," as we know, is BOOING.

    Ralph didn't get to Red. He didn't get ANY Red. Shame...because that was his flag color. White was the color of Jon Reep...and white was clearly the favorite of the audience at Medieval Times.

    And no, I don't really want to dwell on that...lest any social commentary sneak into my recap.

    Winner, in a sea of white, was Jon Reep.

    Onto the next Jester Joust...as we cut to Gerry Dee already addressing the audience...about how, at Medieval Times, there is a division between the rich and the poor, "Just like what you've got here with the Bush family."

    Whoooaaaa... He's not only doing Bush material at Medieval Times...but Medieval Times is in Orange County, California...NOT EXACTLY A HOT BED OF SOCIALLY CONCERNED PACIFISTIC LIBERALISM.

    I didn't let any social commentary sneak into my recap, Gerry...WHY DID YOU THINK YOU COULD PULL IT OFF IN A THEME RESTAURANT OF RICH WHITE PEOPLE WHO WISH THEY COULD WATCH PEOPLE KILL EACH OTHER FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT???

    Oh, I think that there could be a clever and still crowd pleasing way to have made a joke comparing the King of Medieval Times to our current, modern, leadership...BUT GERRY DIDN'T COME UP WITH IT...and, he had nothing to quickly jump to when he felt it all going horribly, horribly wrong...

    Folks...we're moving past Threat Level Orange... Yes...we're definitely in Threat Level Red...

    That's right. Booing.

    "I've never heard 1100 people boo before," Gerry claims. "I think BILL...booed me..."

    Gerry's opponent in this "battle" is the charming, delightful and "from this part of the country" Amy Schumer. I figure, as long as she doesn't Bonnie McFarland herself, she should be a cinch to move on to the second round.

    Gerry's absolutely right when he says that "Amy could have spoke Chinese--it didn't matter what SHE said..."

    She did have a joke about a former husband who "had a problem with the ale..."

    Good enough for a 1100 to 0 win.

    Gerry, who has shown a distinct tendency to speak a bit too knowingly for the benefit of the camera, walks backstage and states the obvious "I got booed" with a stupidly grinning mug that suggests that this was an unexpected development. Unfortunately, he didn't pay the least bit of attention to the fact that Amy was right behind him...and the flap of the curtain that Gerry was too distracted by his chance for more on-camera time to notice ended up hitting Amy directly in the face.

    You know, Chivalry was a big part of Medieval Times...but obviously, knowledge of Medieval Times is not one of Gerry Dee's strong points...

    Matt Kirshen is addressing the audience after a quick cut from backstage to the arena floor. His floppy hat and slightly too large jester attire make him look...I'm afraid to say...LIKE A DROWNED RAT. Seriously, I think that he might be a wererat--a lycanthrope who turns into a rat instead of a wolf. When was this filmed, was it during a full moon? Did he go anywhere near Angels Stadium in Anaheim...and could he be blamed for the infestation there? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!!

    "I was watching you as you walked in and you had to walk past a security guard," Matt pointed out. "What kind of a job is that--security guard for a castle? Can you imagine--if you're a security guard at a castle, you know that you're only there because you're cheaper than a moat."

    That got a really good laugh. Of course, Matt comes from England. As Eddie Izzard points out, they actually HAVE castles in England...so, maybe this is just part of Matt's normal act. You don't know...do you?

    "We could dig a hole," Matt continues, "But we found a college student with a Dungeons and Dragons fetish who'll work for fries..."

    That, I think, is specific enough to Medieval Times as to not possibly be part of his regular act...and as such, props to you, young man...for actually coming up with a funny observation about your surroundings that you successfully delivered to a very demanding (and, as Gerry Dee found out, rather bloodthirsty audience...)

    Matt is facing Debra DiGiovanni--whose act is so very specific to her modern, neurotic personality...that she may have difficulty finding a way into doing material relevant to the challenge.

    "I know that on the outside, I am dressed as a jester...but inside, I am all...wench," Debra says, to some solid positive reaction, "And I want to be lanced...a lot..."

    It's a cheesy joke...but in circumstances like this, cheese can be tasty...and exactly what's required.

    Since that's all we're given to judge upon, it's hard to predict who might win...

    ...and even after all of the flags have been raised, it's hard to TELL who has won.

    The early shots of the audience (and again, who KNOWS when those shots were filmed) looked to have more white flags than red. Then, the next group of shots would shot the opposite.

    It seemed even...and anyone with an OUNCE of dramatic flair would know what to do...YOU ASK THE KING TO DECIDE!

    Oh, hell yeah...

    THAT'S WHAT A KING IS FOR, ISN'T HE?

    (Somebody from somewhere that had a King back me up on this one, won't you?)

    Does Bill Bellamy or the Magical Elves have an ounce of dramatic flair between them?

    No.

    Did they ask the King to decide the victor?

    No.

    What DID they do?

    They sent interns up and down the stairs to count every flag.





    Wow. Way to suck all of the joy out of an event...


    (See, I'm not a stickler to absolute accuracy...sometimes I like the die rolls to be fudged to make for a more fun game. That's what made me a great Dungeon Master...and I can't believe I just admitted that to anyone... Sorry.)

    The winner, BY THREE FLAGS, was Debra DiGiovanni. Matt looked crushed, Debra--as she always does, looked positively buoyant.

    "I'm genuinely a bit gutted after that," Matt said, using words that Americans just don't understand, "That was really close."


    On to round two. Same audience, same comedians...that's rough in a comedy competition--because people have really already made their minds up about how they feel about the people they've seen... Even in new pairings, there's no objectivity at this point...not that there EVER really was...but at least at first there was an illusion--and isn't that what Medieval Times is all about?

    The trumpets blare and Jon Reep is taking on Lavell Crawford.

    Jon is talking about waiting in line at the Middle Earth Faire, buying a sausage from a man who only had one arm...

    And then, they cut to Lavell.

    Wait a moment.

    Don't we get to hear the punchline to Jon's set up? Was it too dirty to even air full of bleeps? Or was THAT, somehow, the entire joke?

    How can we watch a show about comedy when we aren't even allowed to hear a performer's jokes?

    Sigh.

    "I tried to get a job with the King," Lavell tells the crowd, "But I don't think affirmative action has been invented yet."

    Hogwash, Lavell...there'd be plenty of jobs for you. Castle Gate for one. No, you wouldn't have to pull the portcullis down...YOU'D BE THE GATE!

    To Lavell's credit, even the King laughed at that one...

    Doesn't matter, as evidently, the crowd has voted for Jon Reep...

    Let me affect my very hacky Robin Leach voice for this next line, "They voted for Jon Reep...AND WE DON'T KNOW WHY..."

    The advancing ladies are competing against each other in the other Jester Semi-Final...Amy Schumer and Debra DiGiovanni.

    Amy, pointing at the Princess in her royal box, asks the crowd "Can we give it up for The Princess...and Rip Van Winkle?"

    Brave lass there, making jest about the King.

    "And how about our host, Bill Bellamy? He is HOT," Amy announces, "He only takes a few minutes, but it feels like a (k)night..."

    Solid work...making fun of what you're observing that the audience is aware of... Nicely done, Amy!

    Debra takes the opposite approach--she tries to "medieval-ize" her normal material.

    "Hi everybody. I am a single maiden. Did I need to tell you that I am a single maiden?" Debra says, re-working the joke that got her past the Montreal audition and into the Montreal showcase, "I'm covered in goat-hair. You do the ciphering."

    It's clever--but it's more clever for us who have seen her act before...and can tell what she's done. To the audience at Medieval Times...not so much, and the win goes to Amy...who made THEM laugh right then and there...

    "Thank God," Debra says, once she gets backstage, "Not even close..."

    "Look, I'm shaking," Amy says...holding out her hands. She then gives her best Dickensian street urchin look to the camera when she explains, "Because I'm so cold..." only to ruin it all by tossing in a snidely modern tag of, "...from winning."

    So, the final Jester Joust will pit Jon Reep against Amy Schumer...which we will see after this paid commercial announcement for Medieval Times restaurant in Orange County California. Look at what you're missing...food you eat with your hands and men in costumes beating the holy hell out of each other for your amusement... Bring the kids, it's a great time for the whole family. For special times, Medieval Times.

    Now back to Last Comic Standing's lame second of three challenges...

    Well, actually, we get to hear Jon Reep's backstage comments...and, once again, Amy Schumer delivers a World Peace statement that defies belief in how generic it is.

    To be fair, I just criticized Amy for her nearly brilliant but quickly ruined "shaking/cold/winning" comments, so maybe I should just accept that she really wants to win immunity because it would be a life saver without further complaint... But evidently we won't have Ant to kick around and Dante's already gone...I simply HAVE to be snarky about someone and something and Amy's kind of offering herself up for this peculiarly specific ridicule.

    I guess I'll have a few moments to feel guilty about this...because we're going to commercial now.

    Back in a bit, folks!

    THIS RECAP CONTINUES IN THE REPLY, DIRECTLY BELOW!
    Last edited by pg13; 08-10-2007 at 04:53 PM. Reason: missed a tag...call it a stolen base, I guess.

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    Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap (Part Two)

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: The pg13 LCS Recap
    Episode Eight: Prepare For Comedy Battle, Knave! (And roll for initiative) Part Two
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Back to our favorite themed restaurant, battle re-enactment and comedy competition home...Medieval Times...where Jon Reep and Amy Schumer will battle to become the first (and perhaps last) Last Jester Standing...

    Jon's up first. He gets laughs merely for posing funny... Boy, the Princess is ever EASY!

    Oh, I'm sorry, Sire... I didn't see Your Lordship there... Obviously, someone of the Royal Lineage could not possibly be of loose moral character... I merely suggested that she laughs...without much restraint.

    Whew! I think I just saved my head there...

    "I just flew in from Middle Earth...and boy is my dragon exhausted..."

    Henny Youngman, meet Boromir...Boromir, Henny...

    Jon Reep. Everything he knows about Medieval Times, he saw in the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

    "We almost didn't make it--I'm a little mad at my dragon," Jon explained to the crowd. "Last night he was out with Lindsay Lohan...they got hammered. Then, on the way here, we got pulled over by the King's Men. We nearly got an FUI...a Flying Under the Influence...a 'fooey.' And MY DRAGON...he torched the Breathalyzer, and we high-tailed it out of there..."

    I'm not entirely sure that's a winning set...but it's up to what Amy does...

    "Where are my single maidens at?" Amy starts her set by asking...getting an appropriate response. "Yeah, ladies...who's getting pillaged tonight?"

    This second question confuses the crowd. Does she mean...drunk or lucky?

    "I haven't been THIS excited since I lost my chastity belt..."

    (I think she meant lucky...but the jury's still out, I say...)

    "...to my cousin, yeah..." as Amy likes to tell a shocking joke, whatever the time period.

    And to that concern, she calms the crowd down by explaining, "This isn't the future, it's perfectly normal..."

    I'm not entirely sure THAT'S a winning set, either...

    Maybe the executioner can take 'em both???

    The end result in flags--oh, again...who can tell from what we're allowed to see?

    Bill tells us that the winner is Jon Reep, so we'll go with that, then...

    Backstage, Amy Schumer puts on her brave World Peace face...saying absolutely nothing that one wouldn't expect from someone who wanted to win but didn't...and experienced no particular hardship for having lost.

    The Princess...or The Queen...or The Lady Sitting Next To The Prince...whatever...she tosses a purple bag of coins down to favor the winner, Jon Reep. Bill Bellamy thought it was a Crown Royal bag. (Those are excellent to hold your polyhedral dice in, by the way...)

    Jon talks about what it means to him to have won this challenge--not in a generic way, but in specifics. He says that he beat Lavell Crawford, who everyone was scared of...but now he worries that he's the one who'll be targeted. He wants to be known as a good comic--not the guy who needs to be voted out next.

    Well, Jon...you CAN'T be voted out next, because you just won immunity...and because this isn't survivor, and we don't vote people out of Last Comic Standing. Well, not yet we don't... Oh, whatever...this show gets too confusing with its own rules sometimes...

    It IS time for our eight contestants to vote...this time, the photo booth is in the torture museum of the Medieval Times restaurant. (Because, and I don't think many of you know this, ALL restaurants have torture museums...not just Medieval themed ones...) Once again, we will find out who they know that they're funnier than...or, at least, who they're willing, strategically, to say that they're funnier than... Strategy sure didn't work out for Gina last week--so, we'll see how it works out tonight.

    Jon, having earned immunity, is the first to vote. As he walks away, Amy calls him "a young Keebler" and Doug just shakes his head.

    Jon says that he's voting for the person he's voting for because no one voted for her last time..."and that's not fair."

    Gerry says that his vote is a little bit of a gamble.

    Ralph says that he's going to vote for Dante... "Oh, did he already leave???"

    (See, I'm not the ONLY one who can get a little snarky...)


    Here then are the votes.
    Jon Reep: Debra DiGiovanni
    Ralph Harris: Amy Schumer
    Amy Schumer: Gerry Dee
    Matt Kirshen
    (who said that he KNOWS that he looked like a novelty chess set at bed time...and he DID!): Debra DiGiovanni
    Gerry Dee
    (who made wonderfully, clown-like, photobooth silly faces--in his jester costume, it was the funniest thing that he's said or done this entire season, if you ask me): Lavell Crawford
    Debra DiGiovanni
    (who knows that she hates her outfit as well as knowing that she's funnier than...): Matt Kirshen

    Oddly, the camera catches Matt being somewhat surprised and shocked by Debra's choice...which is odd, since Matt had picked HER, it would seem like turnabout should be fair play... Debra gives Matt a quick wink--LIKE THAT SOLVES A DEEP EMOTIONAL WOUND LIKE THAT...

    Lavell Crawford: Doug Benson

    Appreciate the situation here. Amy's got a vote against her, Gerry's got a vote against him, Lavell's got a vote against him, Matt's got a vote against him, Doug's got a vote against him and Debra's got two votes against her. (Nobody's voted for Ralph...and nobody CAN vote for Jon.)

    It's all up to Doug, as the last person to vote. If he picks Debra, then he and Matt are going against Debra in the showdown. If he picks Amy, Gerry, Lavell or Matt...then Debra and the person Doug voted for go into the showdown...and, if they're keeping the rules they had last year, then the two of them can pick anyone who voted for either of them to join them in the showdown.

    So...who does Doug vote for?

    Doug Benson: NOT SO FAST...

    We're going to get maximum value for our advertising dollars by taking another break...right here and right now.

    -----
    So, I see they've made yet another version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"--this time, it's called, simply, "The Invasion". OK, I get it--good movie...but it was already good once...the original version...and it was already good twice...the Donald Sutherland remake...and it was pretty needless the third time...the Meg Tilly redo...are we REALLY unable to come up with anything original that Nicole Kidman could star in that we have to remake it a FOURTH time?

    And if the entire world is at risk...why, according to the preview announcer, is she the ONLY WOMAN who can save humanity? She couldn't even save her marriage to Tom Cruise!

    Although, fair play to Nic...I'd say that Tom couldn't save his marriage to her.

    And, as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't bode well for ANY film that has to take the effort to point out to the audience not to fall asleep.

    -----

    So, where were we?

    Were we in a tense moment? Not if we slept with a pod and became one of the alien replacements we weren't...

    AUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH HHHHHHH!!!

    For those of us still human, YEAH...really tense moment! It all comes down to Doug Benson's vote to determine who competes against each other in the head-to-head-to-head challenge...

    ...and Doug, of course, takes this responsibility QUITE seriously.

    "First of all, I just want to say this costume is the worst thing that's ever happened to me," Doug intones, "And I've seen the movie "Wild Hogs'."

    It all comes down to this vote. Debra? Amy? Matt? Gerry? Lavell?

    Doug Benson: Ralph Harris


    RALPH HARRIS? Ohhhhh, man...this math is making my brain hurt!

    OK, so the only person with more than one vote is Debra DiGiovanni. Matt voted for her...and Jon voted for her. Problem is, Jon's got immunity. So, how do we end up with a head-to-head-to-head challenge now?

    Last year, they just made up some rules and had a head-to-head-to-head-TO-HEAD showdown when similar math problems came up...

    Sure enough, they just make up some MORE rules this time...and they drop the three person showdown in favor of a two person showdown.

    And, in some ways, I'm happier. I don't like the three person showdown. Head-to-Head, while not ideal, is at least definitive. This or that. One wins.

    Sadly, though, this week...it's two generally likable sorts...and one will be going home. It's somewhat like when Rob Cantrell took on Ralphie May in Season One...as both were well liked by the fans at the time Rob took on the big man.

    Debra's got the advantage in experience...but her style is an acquired taste. Debra admits that she's a little scared, because she knows that Matt is sharp.

    Matt, the underdog, I would think, thinks that it won't be easy for him, as he thinks that they're pretty evenly matched. "It won't be a cakewalk," he says...reminding me of the insane confidence of youth. Only someone as young as Matt would say "Yeah, it won't be absolutely easy for me to defeat someone who has years more experience doing this than I have..."

    Still, you can't hate him for it... Not when he smiles and shows you those rodent cheeks of his...

    HAF TO PINCH THE CHEEKSES!!!

    Sorry, once again Cuteness Overload took over... I'll try not to let that happen again.

    NIGHT TURNS TO DAY, COMICS RETURN FROM MEDIEVAL TIMES TO MODERN TIMES...

    Debra, while packing, talks about how she only beat Matt by a handful of flags during the Jester Challenge...but the key is that she was victorious, and she predicts that she will be again tonight.

    Matt, while packing, says that he thinks he's got a good chance of coming back from this one, "But, so does Debra."

    Yes, Matt...that's accurate. On a very strictly mathematical basis, there is a 50% chance for either of you.

    Matt goes on to say that he wants to make the Top 5, at least...and that he'll be tweaking his set mid-gig...as well as seconds before he goes on.

    That's a confident young performer, right there...

    One of the hardest thing for ANY comedian is to remain "in the moment"--and that is simply the ability to recognize what's happening around you as you're performing and being able to react properly, to adjust what you're saying and how you're saying it...to match the situation. A lot of comedians have a strict order for what they do and when they do it--but if you're good at reading the crowd and understanding your material, you can feel what the crowd needs...and you can change what material you want to do...WHILE you're doing it.

    It's a hard skill to master--and if Matt's THIS confident, he may have a very special gift, indeed.


    Amy Schumer has straight hair in an interview segment...and then her curly hair is in evidence in her hotel room. Does she curl her hair? Did she straighten it? When did I suddenly start sounding like I'm recapping America's Next Top Model?

    Amy seems to be taking Matt under her wing...which, I'd have to guess, is pretty close to where Matt would want to be. I thought I noticed a little spark of interest in Matt towards Amy, but I assumed that his interest would be crushed under her heel--the way that most female comedians crush the crushes of their male counterparts.

    Instead, we see Amy having welcomed herself into Matt's hotel room...and we see her as she's lying across his bed...and we see her as she's really going to work on his...material.

    (This is as close as this show has ever gotten to anything vaguely sexy...give me a moment to linger, ok?)

    "I think we made some progress, but I don't know" is what Amy says. I think that she thinks she's talking about Matt's act (to which, I might point out that Matt got to this point on his own...and seems confident in his ability to stick around...and I wouldn't assume that Amy, who has, I believe, even LESS experience than Matt has, would be the one to be able to "solve a problem like Matt."

    Night has come again...and the short bus brings the performers, once again, to the Last Comic Theatre.

    Damn, these are some smiley people--Debra and Matt...even as they realize that they may be wheeling their luggage to their Last Comic doom, they're ebullient and dentally unashamed...

    The rest of the comics pile into the Comedian's Lounge, or as Jon Reep calls it, "The Green Room...although it isn't green...they never are..."

    Actually, I've played in comedy clubs AND theatres that have had "Green Rooms" that ARE actually green. Sorry, Jon...but I can't let you lie to my beloved FORTskateers like that...

    Amy's announcing that she's nervous. Doug says, "It'll be close, but if I had to pick someone, it'd be Deb..."

    One thing is easily apparent...this is a whole different ballgame to when they were all sniping at Dante last week... Some hearts are going to be broken this week.

    Hey, here's another question for you... How much do the fans at Last Comic Standing appreciate the job that Bill Bellamy is doing as a replacement for last year's stiffer than Al Gore in a body cast host, Anthony Clark?

    The answer is in that "just for walking on stage" standing ovation that Bill gets... It's GOT to be that, doesn't it? It surely can't be for Bill's rather tepid movie career, can it?

    I wonder how absolutely bewildered the theater audience must have been, hearing Bill talk about how Debra and Matt did in the Jester challenge (which, I have to assume, no one in the theater audience was aware of...)



    OK, enough of my wondering. You want a taste of Bill's act?


    BILL: You know, I'm here to help all my white friends out tonight. I'm going to give you some of the rules for when you go out to the mall. White people, please listen. When you are shopping with your kids...and you tell your child "Terry...come here..."--your child should move towards you rapidly...as if he's on rollerblades.

    (Bill acts as if a child was skating up on roller blades) "Yes mom?"

    Your child should not run the other way and jump in the clothes.

    Let me tell you something...when I was a little kid, if I ran away from my mama. My mama said "BILLY! Come here!" and I ran the other way? Let me tell ya, I'd need a new family. I can't go back, over there.

    Cause, my mama? She used to prepare us for the mall. She would have what I call a "mama talk." It is a two to five minute meeting where your mama'd explain to you how you were gonna live to see another day. You know what I'm talking about?

    She would ask me and my sister, "Come here...just you and your sister, come over here. Right now. Right here, right now. We're getting ready to go in this mall."

    (Bill gives his mama impression very big eyes.)

    "When we go in this mall, you and your sister are going to act like you got some sense, you hear me? You are not going to run around, jumpin' in the clothes. You're not going to steal anything, touch anything that does not belong to you. Where ever I find you, when you get lost, that's where you will die... Do you hear me?"

    "And, another thing, before we go in there...and i'm only gonna say this one time..."

    "Ain't nobody hungry, you hear me?"



    And that, ladies and gentlemen...is Bill Bellamy.

    He's done his job--he's got the theater audience warmed up, he's got the home viewers warmed up... TIME TO BRING ON THE COMICS!

    Or...I guess...time to take another commercial break.

    Hmph. Talk about a buzzkill.

    -----
    For THIS commercial break, I hand over the "making a joke" responsibility to my girlfriend.

    When the Victoria's Secret ad--starring Heidi Klum, featuring Victoria's Secret's full coverage bras--came on, my girlfriend said...

    "When it comes to Victoria Secret's full coverage bras...you're either IN or you' OUT..."

    Proving, I think, definitively, that I've made her watch far too many Bravo reality shows.


    Of course, that single joke of hers is funnier than ANYTHING that you might see in "Daddy Day Camp"--Ugh, does THAT film look awful!

    -----

    So...back now for the showdown. Performer versus performer. I think there's a distinct advantage in going second. Your jokes are fresher in the voters mind and you know what you have to beat.

    If I'm right, then young Matt Kirshen has the advantage...because Debra is going first.

    Bill Bellamy makes a beginner's MC mistake...in that he hands the microphone over to Debra like a baton. That's not how an MC at a comedy show should do it... You always put the mic back in the stand for the next performer. Sure enough, Debra has to go over to the stand and put the mic in the stand, because she's a "I want to use both of my hands for gestures" type of comic.

    Bad, Bill...bad.



    Want to catch some of Debra's act?

    DEBRA: I went shopping today. I went shopping for some lingerie, which I have to tell you, as a big woman..a little difficult. I've got to tell you. I know all girls--you think you want bigger boobs, but let me tell you this, ladies... My bra...is pretty much a vest of beige metal at this point. Do you know what I mean? It's pretty much...a weapon. Do you know what I'm saying? One false move, I can puncture a lung. I'm not kidding

    And it takes two people to get on...which is...awkward...because I live alone. But, I must say...nice way to meet the neighbors, though... Good way.

    "Debra from upstairs!"

    It's fun. Ummm....

    But this is it. I'm thirty-six...and I thought, at thirty-six...it's time I got a little sexier...because, I'll be honest...I am NOT getting any nicer, I'll tell you THAT much right now.

    I joined a gym. Actually I haven't gone to the gym, yet. I did buy a lock. I feel pretty good. I feel good. I'm halfway there. Are you kidding me? I'm telling you...

    The last time I was actually AT a gym, it was the 80's. And now things are different, you know what I mean?

    I show up to sign up...and the trainer...she gives me a surprise body fat test.

    Surprise?

    What?

    A body fat test? I didn't get a chance to study or anything. I'm serious. Not fair.

    But don't worry everyone, I still passed...I still passed...

    I should tell you that...fifty percent on a body fat test?

    Yeah, that's not a good mark, that is not a good mark.

    I think that at fifty percent body fat...that technically makes me cream. I'm not sure, I'm not sure.

    What?

    I might be dying alone but I am delicious with coffee... Hello?? People?!?

    Just looking for my CoffeeMate. Heh-heh...

    I am so lonely...



    And that does it for Debra.

    A couple of things...first of all, her smile is infectious...and she seems to work best when she's putting up a brave self-delusional face to mask her problems--when she actually complains about things without the character/technique of pretending not to be aware of it, she loses some of her joyful likability.

    Also, and I say this with the respect that one large person can offer another large person...wear shirts with sleeves, Debra. I'm just saying...

    A solid set...I don't think it was her A-set...but she (or the Magical Elves) may have used some of her A-set to get her here...

    Amy's take on it is that "Deb always brings the higher energy and Matt is more cerebral." Amy's not sure if the audience is going to "get" him.

    Obviously, that would be a problem for Matt, wouldn't it?

    Matt, by the way, was given the microphone on the stand--as he should have--and then he CHOSE to take it out of the stand (having moved the mic stand out of the way, as every comedian should have, at some point in time, been taught to do...nice work, Matt.)


    And here's what Matt did...

    MATT: This is...terrifying. This is the scariest gig I've ever done...and I say that as a Jew who once got booked for an Islamic community center.

    I'm Jewish, but I'm not religious...because bacon's nice.

    I'm not going to deny myself the nicest meat in the world...on the order of a God, that I'm not even sure exists. It's like driving at the speed limit when you know there's no cops.

    There's too much fake health information. Like homeopathic therapy. Did you know that's based on the principle that more diluted the medicine--the better it becomes. You've heard...a few here, yeah? Because homeopathic experts tell you that water has memory. Which scares the hell out of me. Because I've done some weird things in the shower. Luckily, water has memory but it can't speak.

    I think everyone knows that one person, you know that alternative medicine sort who has an argument with you taking aspirin. Going "Why are you putting those chemicals in your system? Why are you polluting your body with that crap? You should take this, it's better for you, it's from the earth, and it's natural...

    Heroin is natural...nicotine is natural...a pack of wolves... The edge of a cliff, whatever...

    This gig is fantastic, I've got to say this before I go... This is beautiful, it's great--but to have to compete, it's horrible. Debra's a friend of mine...I helped her...put her bra on...



    And that does it for Matt.

    A couple of things... Matt is like a Disney character in that his eyes and his head are too big for the rest of him...it makes him cute. He doesn't have to worry about what Amy worried about--he makes himself easily understood and his observations are easily shared with all. Also, by topping off one of Debra's jokes at the end of his set--it's a great competitive move, because now if people think of that joke...they think of Matt's laugh to that joke first...and Debra, having originally told the joke about her bra, is nearly forgotten.

    Nice work.

    Bill, in his lead out from their competitive sets, describes this showdown as "a nail biter"--which is an odd thing to say since they haven't actually asked the audience to vote yet... (But, again...there's no telling when things are filmed and what's out of sequence...)

    We get one last commercial break and then we know who stays...and who goes home. I think I know...and, as always, it'll come down to who is more likable...

    -----
    Going into commercial, we get another plug for "The Ant Colony"--Ant's online blog.

    I hate the fact that I used to BE an Antperson. Back when being an Antperson meant being a fan of Adam & the Ants... Back when I used to identify with the following lyrics:

    Don't tread on an Ant, he's done nothing to you.
    There might come a day when he's treading on you
    Don't tread on an Ant, you'll end up black and blue
    You cut off his head, legs come looking for you...


    And if Ant, the host of Celebrity Fit Club, had his head cut off and his legs came looking for me...I'd freak out, I'm not ashamed to admit that...

    Funny how that whole Antmusic stuff seemed so much cooler then...

    My apologies to the entire generations who have no idea what I'm talking about. Sorry, you weren't there.


    Oh, and does anyone else feel like it's far too early for it to be Football Season already? My baseball team is still in contention...and that should mean that football is still a long way off.

    -----

    OK...so, we have eight comedians. In a moment...we'll have seven...as either the much loved Debra DiGiovanni or the much adored Matt Kirshen will be going home.

    Debra seems willing to play the "love me, I'm trying to be cute" card to win the audience's vote. Matt still sort of looks like he's shell shocked...and he makes little effort to goose people to voting.

    "This is the worst part of the show," Amy Schumer offers in her latest incredibly generic World Peace commentary. "The head-to-heads are unbearable. The group is anxious and nervous...and we have no idea whose going to come through those doors...though we're ready for 'em to come through..."

    In that last line, Amy MIGHT have said "we're ready for HIM to come through"--life is tough, sometimes, on a transcriber/recapper like myself. Obviously, saying "him" instead of "'em" puts a little more mustard on things...and I'd have to give Amy some more benefit of the doubt in my merciless attacks on her generic commentary.

    ...but I'm pretty sure she said "'em".

    Debra can't believes how much she wants to win--she just wants to get to the top five.

    Matt doesn't know what's going to happen, but feels it would be a real shame for his run in Last Comic Standing to end now.

    Bill lets us know that this head-to-head showdown is the closest in Last Comic Standing history (which is always painful to hear, because it reminds me that Dat Phan beat Dave Mordal fair and square in a head-to-head showdown...which was the very impetus for me joining the FORT in the first place...as I just needed some friendly ears to complain about that moment to...)...and that the winner...with 55% of the vote...and tonight's Capital One Audience Favorite...

    ...is Matt Kirshen.

    Debra is gracious in defeat. Matt comes over to hug her immediately as Bill says nice things about her. Backstage, she's obviously disappointed...but, as always, she puts her bravest face on it...and I think that she's opened up some new doors for her comedy career with her strong, original, personable performances on this show. I could see her as a sitcom best friend or next door neighbor...

    What I won't see her as, unfortunately for her, is a continuing participant in this year's Last Comic Standing...as Matt Kirshen has knocked her out of contention.

    Matt says that he feels like he's earned his place in the top seven--but there's still one more challenge round...an, possibly, one more head to head, to go...

    There are NO scenes from next week's show to give us any clue as to what the final challenge might be. The only clue that Bill gives us in his speech at the end is that the comics will face a "tough crowd" in their final challenge.

    I could make some wild guesses--maybe they have to perform in front of previous Last Comic Standing contestants? Maybe they have to perform for Colin Quinn and some of the others who were on the "Tough Crowd" show on Comedy Central? Maybe they get the chance to perform for the Friars (although that always seemed to be a Jay Mohr thing, didn't it?) Maybe they have to perform for kids? Maybe they have to perform outside?

    I can't narrow it down, I'm afraid... We'll just have to tune in next week to find out.

    Once again, folks...give some love to our dearly departed comedian--Debra DiGiovanni...and some props to the comedian who survived the closest head-to-head showdown vote in Last Comic Standing history, Matt Kirshen...yes, give them a whole lot of love...

    Speaking of love...remember to leave a little love--in the form of money--as a tip for your hard working waitstaff, tonight.

    Folks...you were a great recap audience... I wish I could take you home with me, but then, our nights together wouldn't seem as special, would they?

    My name is pg13 and I hope you join me again next week for MORE Last Comic Standing. Good night, everybody!!!
    Last edited by pg13; 08-12-2007 at 04:42 AM. Reason: Of all the verbs to forget, I forgot "to be"

  3. #3
    Being VIP Yardgnome's Avatar
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    Re: Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap

    Hilarious recap, PG13!

    I missed parts of the show and your recap was so much better than actually watching it.

  4. #4
    would rather be cruising! marybethp's Avatar
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    Re: Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap

    excellent recap pg13!! This was a doozy to recap - you did it beautifully.

    My favorites:

    You can take the Butthead off the television, but you can't take him off the couch in front of it...

    "When it comes to Victoria Secret's full coverage bras...you're either IN or you' OUT..." Proving, I think, definitively, that I've made her watch far too many Bravo reality shows.
    Can you give us the scoop on Gerry - is he ever funny?

  5. #5
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap

    pg13, yes, you were definitely better than the show! Thanks for the laughs!!

  6. #6
    Endlessly ShrinkingViolet's Avatar
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    Re: Hey, Keep It Going For Last Comic Standing: Episode Eight Recap

    Awesome recap, once again, pg13! I'm sticking with reading your recaps, instead of watching the show, as they are much more entertaining. That's the ticket!

    Good that you laughed at that though--it's always a good idea to have an comedy show audience that is going to laugh at jokes, when they hear them... You'd think that'd be a requirement...but it isn't. Maybe that's why many comedy clubs have a two drink minimum requirement...
    Ah, so that's what that two-drink minimum is all about.

    What used to last all season, now lasts only three weeks. What is it?

    A hair coloring? A bikini wax? Lindsay Lohan's sobriety?

    No, I'm sorry...NONE of those answers are correct.

    The answer we were looking for is: The Last Comic Standing "Challenge" Round.
    Great set-up!

    Lots of great lines, but here are but a few of my favorites.

    I guess nobody cares that we don't care...just as long as we watch...

    Are you getting the picture? This isn't a comedy club...this is a dream come true for members of the Society for Creative Anachronism.

    You can take the Butthead off the television, but you can't take him off the couch in front of it...

    Either way, we're talking some sort of strange Human/Rodent hybrid...and, on an island somewhere, Dr. Moreau is upset at letting one of his accomplishments go missing.

    Because without his normal clothes, Doug Benson is powerless...like Samson without his hair...

    Ooooh, Ralph bit it. He bit it hard. People were ripping off his limbs and chewing on his bones (because they HAD no silverware)--THAT'S how bad HE bit it...THEY were biting him!

    You know, Chivalry was a big part of Medieval Times...but obviously, knowledge of Medieval Times is not one of Gerry Dee's strong points...

    Seriously, I think that he might be a wererat--a lycanthrope who turns into a rat instead of a wolf. When was this filmed, was it during a full moon? Did he go anywhere near Angels Stadium in Anaheim...and could he be blamed for the infestation there? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!!!

    (See, I'm not a stickler to absolute accuracy...sometimes I like the die rolls to be fudged to make for a more fun game. That's what made me a great Dungeon Master...and I can't believe I just admitted that to anyone... Sorry.)

    Look at what you're missing...food you eat with your hands and men in costumes beating the holy hell out of each other for your amusement... Bring the kids, it's a great time for the whole family. For special times, Medieval Times.

    Reason: missed a tag...call it a stolen base, I guess.

    Debra gives Matt a quick wink--LIKE THAT SOLVES A DEEP EMOTIONAL WOUND LIKE THAT...

    And if the entire world is at risk...why, according to the preview announcer, is she the ONLY WOMAN who can save humanity? She couldn't even save her marriage to Tom Cruise!

    Ohhhhh, man...this math is making my brain hurt!

    HAF TO PINCH THE CHEEKSES!!!

    Sorry, once again Cuteness Overload took over... I'll try not to let that happen again.

    Amy Schumer has straight hair in an interview segment...and then her curly hair is in evidence in her hotel room. Does she curl her hair? Did she straighten it? When did I suddenly start sounding like I'm recapping America's Next Top Model?

    I thought I noticed a little spark of interest in Matt towards Amy, but I assumed that his interest would be crushed under her heel--the way that most female comedians crush the crushes of their male counterparts.

    Damn, these are some smiley people--Debra and Matt...even as they realize that they may be wheeling their luggage to their Last Comic doom, they're ebullient and dentally unashamed...

    "When it comes to Victoria Secret's full coverage bras...you're either IN or you' OUT..."

    Proving, I think, definitively, that I've made her watch far too many Bravo reality shows.


    Also, and I say this with the respect that one large person can offer another large person...wear shirts with sleeves, Debra. I'm just saying...

    And if Ant, the host of Celebrity Fit Club, had his head cut off and his legs came looking for me...I'd freak out, I'm not ashamed to admit that...

    Folks...you were a great recap audience... I wish I could take you home with me, but then, our night's together wouldn't seem as special, would they?

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