Last week at the Pasadena Auditorium, 5 dynamite comics performed for a rowdy crowd… but tonight, only four will remain. The power has shifted to America, and I for one love it! Any small amount of power I have over the fates of reality TV stars is just peachy to me.
Anyway, only four will compete tonight! Who is the funniest? We will decide! Who will be the Last Comic Standing!! We will decide that as well! This intro is so dramatic!
I want to start out tonight by talking about our host a little bit. I will admit that I’ve seen his stand-up, and enjoyed it, and although I’m not a fan of Yes Dear, I loved Boston Common, and I was one of the 7 viewers who tuned into to Soul Man starring Mr. Clark and Dan Akroyd, so I feel like I have a handle on the oeuvre of Anthony Clark, and can therefore be disgusted every week by his deadpan delivery and unfunniness. Tonight he starts off with a lame and dated Dixie Chicks joke, and it just goes downhill from there when he introduces Gary Gulman, who you may remember from Last Comic Standing 2. Apparently Gary’s been busy doing comedic… things, but found some time to stop by the LCS4 stage.
I bet we’re going to hear some jokes about cookies.
Back when Gary appeared on LCS, I found him extremely attractive. But, it’s been two years, and I’m more mature and discerning, and now I just find him mildly annoying. And what’s the deal with the semi-mullet? That’s so 2004, Gary!
Sorry ladies, but Gary’s now attached, and you know what he and his girlfriend are into? Role playing. Yep, you shouldn’t have asked. Gary likes to play professor while his girlfriend plays the flunking student who will do anything to pass the class. I don’t have much to say about this joke, except that it goes on for what feels like hours, and the payoff at the end is extremely weak. The audience seems to agree with me. After some jokes about religion, Gary’s four minutes are up, and he leaves the stage to lukewarm applause. These people aren’t here to see LCS has-beens; they’re here to see LCS future has-beens!
Geez, get a room, already!
It’s time for the sad part of the show- we have to say goodbye to one of the five comics we’ve grown to love over the past few weeks. It’ll be hard, but I’ll try to get through the elimination without… hey! Look at Michele Balan! She looks great- it looks like the stylists kidnapped her and attacked her with a flatiron and some trendy jeans. Anyhoo… time to say goodbye.
Anthony tells the comics not to get too comfy standing on the stage nervously awaiting their fates, and states that they’re all winners to him. Yeah, right. He singles out Ty Barnett and announces that Ty… will be performing tonight! Michele, you stand where you are. Maybe you’ll be performing, maybe you’re getting the boot- only Anthony knows, and he ain’t telling. Josh and Chris… you’re both performing tonight. Finally, Michele and Roz- America has allowed one of you to stay, and screwed the other over in the cruelest way possible. And America hates… Roz!
Michele looks extremely shocked, but Roz doesn’t look shocked at all. Anthony pulls Roz close, saying “C’mere, baby. Let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear, and then I’ll make tender love to you while “The Very Best of Ashford and Simpson” plays on the hi-fi.” Okay, maybe Anthony’s mouth didn’t say those words, but his eyes sure did. He pulls Roz close so that we can watch her LCS journey. I think I’ve watched too much American Idol, because I really expect to hear Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” here, and am kind of disappointed when I don’t.
Roz is extremely gracious as she thanks all of her fans and everyone who voted for her. She calls the LCS experience “phenomenal,” and tells us that a star is born. Anthony tells her “we love you baby,” and I think slips his room key into her pocket.
Michele Balan is old. Hey- I didn’t say it, she did!
In her intro, Michele reveals she felt like a rock star performing for such a huge crowd last week, but may have a heart attack if America votes her the Last Comic Standing. Ugh, a heart attack- we get it, Michele, you’re old! Time for some new material!
Michele takes the stage to much applause, and immediately thanks the live and viewing audiences for keeping her in the competition. She states she’s going to kiss everyone, and that she’ll be over for breakfast. Oh. I hope she likes Pop Tarts, because that’s all I have. Michele’s never won anything, and in fact recently she had a dream that she won $1900. See, she can’t even dream big! She flew from New York to LA, and somehow that trip has gone from a 5 hour trip to a 7 hour trip. What’s up with that? And you know how they always tell you to use your seat cushion as a flotation device? Well, have you actually ever seen anyone saved by a flotation device? No, I didn’t think so. Before she left for LA, Michele had a fight with her boyfriend. It seems he was mad because she’s a lesbian! Oh, she’s just kidding… she doesn’t have a boyfriend, because frankly, who wants her at her age? The other night, a guy tried to pick her up in a bar, and used the line “are you in an anonymous relationship?” She couldn’t tell him of course, since it’s anonymous. Interesting- Michele used to have an eyebrow piercing, but then realized she was wearing a ring in her eyebrow… right above her bifocal contact lenses. And that tattoo on her arm? Well, it’s now a “hanging vine,” (get it?). Finally, Michele is single, old, and not looking for much- just someone who can drive at night.
Josh Blue is the Throwback King
Josh felt pretty damn good last week when he took the stage, but if he’s eliminated he’ll know that the show was rigged. Well, duh Josh- I’ve suspected that since Season 1!
Whazzup party people! Josh Blue is in the hizzouz! Josh is a proud member of the US Paralympic Soccer Team, and he thanks the three fans who clapped at that announcement for their support. Do you want to know how the Paralympic Soccer Team did in the last Olympics? Welll… there was absolutely no need for them to get tested for steroids, if that tells you anything. They got their asses kicked by the Ukrainian team, the Russian Team, the Brazilian Team… it was a global ass kicking effort. Of course, those teams all lived together 24/7 and practiced every day, and no matter how many times Josh watched Miracle, it just wasn’t going to happen. In Athens, there was a huge party for all of the countries… Ireland, Scotland… Maryland, (oh how I love geographical humor!), and at this party Josh realized that 50% of the conversations were not being understood. Alcohol + CP + Scottish accents= incomprehensible babble. In case you wondered, the rules of Paralympic Soccer are the same as standard soccer… two points if you hit Kristin Key in the crotch with the ball. Well, last week we had jokes about Gabriel Iglesias, and this week it’s Kristin Key, so sadly I fear that if Josh gets to perform next week, there will be some reference to Rebecca Corey, and that’s really not cool with me. But, back to the comedy. Josh was kind of pissed because he got injured… and the coach put him on the disabled list! Lastly, Josh tells us he loves watching other people with Cerebral Palsy put on deodorant, and then rubs the mic all over his body.
Ty Barnett would certainly do stupid s**t for money.
Last week Ty was shocked that the audience was so huge, and he was crazy- nervous before his performance, but the sight of the audience standing and cheering settled his nerves. If Ty is the Last Comic Standing? He will freak out, and not necessarily in a good way.
Ty just got back from Utah, and thought it was like Disneyland, because everyone there knew he was just visiting too. People kept pointing him out… asking him to take pictures with their kids. It was crazy! Ty tells the female viewers that they should always be themselves, and that girdles are deceptive. Women get angry when men lie to them, like “I thought you were single,” “Yeah? I thought you were slim.” But no wonder women wear girdles, because Reality TV has given us this ideal that none of us can attain. Ty’s speaking, of course, of Fear Factor and the Barbie Dolls that usually compete. If the point is doing something stupid for money, who cares what the contestants look like? Why can’t anyone be on the show? Sally, the meth addicted unemployed mother of 8 will certainly so some stupid s**t for money. If they say, “Okay Sally, for $50,000, you have to eat the nuts of this dead squirrel,” Sally would bite the nuts off a live squirrel! Ty misses being a kid, but wouldn’t like to be a kid nowadays. He tells us that when he was a kid, he didn’t have to worry about being the bestest, oops- his bad… the goodest. But now kids have to be great at everything. You never see a car with a bumper sticker that says “Moderately Proud Parent of an Average C Student,” or a minivan decorated with “GED 2006!” Ty’s last bit tonight is about the homeless, and how he hates it when their signs are grammatically correct, and how he always thought that if he owned his own business, he would advertise on their signs: “Will work for food, but if I had a choice, I’d eat at Applebees.”
Chris Porter really likes to talk about birth control.
Chris thought that being a part of the Final 5 was an electric experience, and made up for all the bad gigs he’s worked and bad pay he’s received. He tells America that he loves us, but thinks we should see other people, and I for one am hurt.
When Chris walks on stage, the first thing I notice about him is that his shirt is open almost to his navel. And he is very pale. He starts off by telling us that he was recently watching TV and saw an ad for a birth control patch, and it’s for women! Men couldn’t use the patch, because they’d just wear them on their faces. Chris thinks this has got to be the greatest invention ever, because how cool would it be to pick up a woman at the bar, take her home, and once her pants come off, see that little patch. It would be like getting batteries with your Christmas toy- you’d be able to play with that woman right out of the box! The other day, Chris went to Costco. If you’re not familiar with Costco, it’s just like Sam’s Club, but different. How is it different? Well, they sell caskets at Costco for one thing. Caskets! Everyone shops at Costco so everyone would know that you cheaped out and bought Grandpa a discount casket. Plus they’re sold in packs of two, which can actually come in handy when you’re trying to keep your kids in line and can hold the threat of locking them in a casket over their heads. To finish, Josh tells us that he lives in LA, and the traffic is insane! There’s always someone honking, and it’s always a crappy car. If you hear a horn, look around, and there it is- a Ford Festiva. Gosh, I hope he’s not lumping ’99 Ford Escorts into that crappy car category because… um, never mind.
Bottom two? The lines have only been open for 30 seconds!
Anthony shows us a recap of tonight’s performances, and the phone numbers for each comic, reminding us that the numbers are different from last week, and that we can only vote five times from each phone line and email address. Bastards. If I want to stay up all night obsessively voting for my favorite comic, isn’t that my business? I don’t appreciate not even being given have the option!
After the phone lines have been open for (I’m not kidding here), about 30 seconds, Anthony announces that the bottom two comics will show up on the screen and I’m perplexed to see that the bottom two are Chris Porter and Michele Balan. Of course, it’s probably not a big deal since only 7 votes came in during that time. Anthony implores us to vote for our favorites, whether or not they’re in the bottom two, and I just wish NBC would give us the option to vote off the host as well.
Tune in next week for the Final Three, and maybe a special appearance by Dave Mordal, (if my LCS prayers are answered)!!
I’m across the hall using my neighbor’s phone so that I can vote five more times, but you can reach me at: SueEllenMishke@fansofrealitytv .com