No, this isn’t about crack. Or corn. Or corn filled with crack. (But hey….good idea…) This is about the fact that we’re at the final five, and man…..I ain’t feelin’ it. Or at least not as much as I would be if I had that corn crack. Admittedly, I think these people are funnier than say, the insurance agent I talked to on Tuesday who promised me Amazing New Rates. (Don’t be afraid, I won’t intentionally make comedy as exciting as insurance….that job has already been amply performed by Stella.) And certainly I give them credit for having the balls and/or the equivalent of girl-balls (swollen ovaries?) to get up on stage 5.21 thousand more times than I have. Clothed. (Because let’s not play….you and I both know I’ve been naked in front of large crowds* more often than Roz said “bitch” today.) And ohhh all right, yes these people are truly talented and heck, I even genuinely like many of them….but, something about this season makes me want a soft, quiet, nap. Let’s face it, there are no Dave Mordals here. Or even John Heffrons. Or my favorite tall stick of butter….Gary Gulman. Mmmmm….ulmannnnnn. So what I’m saying is that other than a few sporadic moments, tonight, while watching……I only laughed on the inside. Which is kind of like only being pretty on the outside – i.e. worthless, unless you’re Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson………….so um…yeah, I guess they’ll all be cashing in. Time to bring on the lucky bastards!
* “large crowds” merely refers to my Fossey-esque stay with a large group of grabby primates in Guatemala. *Sigh* And what a stay it was.
Tonight it’s all stand up, people. And you know what that means. Really, really, fast typing. By me. That’s right, I’m bringin’ this to you, transcript-style! Word! Because let’s face it, you and I both know that delivery-absent-descriptions-of-comedy….are to stand-up….what J. Lo is to stand-up. But I’ll do my best. I mean, with the typing, that is. And if I do say so myself, the Times New Roman below is not too shabby! Read on!
Tonight the five finalists perform at the Pasadena auditorium, which I assume is in Pasadena. You all get to vote, which means you are all 100% responsible if LCS4 goes down in history as having the 4th best comic in the series, or the 9th. So please, try to be part of the 1% that launches this next superstar into the stratosphere alongside Hal Sparks and the set of grapes in the Fruit of the Loom commercials. Vote. It’s what Charlton Heston would do.
Anthony Clark, whom despite my ribbing, I actually like in REAL stand-up situations, comes out with his hand held to his ear, mock-megaphone style, in a way that would be cute if he were Raffi but since he’s on this show…looks utterly and completely lame. Again, I blame the producers of the show for sucking A.C. dry of his zesty inner core. Why, Anthony Clark, why? Why have you sold out to the man?
Anyhow, if that weren’t bad enough, what ensues is probably the lamest footage I have ever seen. Anthony tells us that the comics are “right now” on their way to the theater in the most unforgettable ride of their lives….and yes…it’s the comics in a helicopter, Probst style! Complete with little “over and out” radio warnings to the tower, but instead of “playful” nuclear warheads, the big chopper brings comedians! Wheee! Thankfully, thankfully, the comics actually save this scene from the horror it could have been! Everyone looks serious until all turn to see the driver….Josh Blue! All scream and laugh, and yes, they rescued the scene. Really. You should have seen it. Soon we see they were all on a soundstage in a mock chopper. I, for one, was shocked.
Next up: Comedy! The scoop: yada yada everybody gets 5 minutes or their mic gets cut off. And fyi: Anthony looks very shaky and sweaty. Like he’s writing a recap or something. Bring on the comics! On to speed typing in three……two…..one…………….
Roz’s little home footage: We see her get hugged by a mystery woman while she tells us that 90% of comedy is the stuff she’s been through with addictions and weight. She became a counselor, and found the need for laughing in rehab wayyy importante to the recovery process. Might as well turn those shakes of withdrawal into shakes of Roz-inspired mirth!
Roz’s act: She comes out in a shiny sequins number and says the same thing about not having jokes, just problems. She launches into a bit about the inability to use an airplane bathroom and how she can’t wipe her ass. That turns into disgust with fat men thinking she’d automatically go out with them, and she says no way, “Two fat people would have a World Wrestling federation match.” She much prefers the skinny men on weed who get the munchies. She then talks about how she was still big when she smoked crack, and that a man slipped some date rape drug in her drink and it didn’t even bring her down. She’s afraid of white men, because when they end a relationship, they kill you and call you up missing. She envisions some white man in the future dumping her in the Krispy Kreme parking lot, and the smell keeping her alive. She loooooves to pick a fight to have good sex, and finds thongs so uncomfortable that she once came home totally wasted and peed right through it! Her last bit is about job interviews and the famous question, “why should we hire you?” Her advice? Tell them the truth: “because I’m broke, damnit, I ain’t got no damn money!” Annnnnnd the Rozzinator is done! And a big round of applause for our transcriptionist.
Ty Barnett loves what he does, and his “natural habitat” footage shows him in an apt., looking at pics of his kids. He’s jazzed to be on stage, and can’t wait to give his two Seattle daughters a better life. I gotta tell ya: Ty totally stepped up his game! I had no idea he had such great material! Again, material coming to you live, this time in 10 pt. Helvetica….
His act: he was surprised to learn that his home town, Chicago, didn’t seem to have the best rep. Whenever someone found out where he was from, they’d ask, “what street gang were you in?” He said what the hell gave them the idea that he had that kind of dedication and team spirit? He moves into a bit about how everybody wants to be a thug, and talks about going to this “thing” where some guy came up to him and said, “throw your hands up! We’re gonna set it off in this beyatch!” Ty is like, “why is the preacher talkin’ like that?” Ha! As non-shabby as my current typing speed! The church didn’t have a choir, they had a DJ. “J-j-j-Jesus.” You just scratched the Lord’s name. He then describes his deeply religious grandma’s tattoo: the Last Supper on her stomach….keeps getting bigger and bigger until finally, she had to start filling in people. “Now it looks like the last buffet.” Yada yada bit about how if a dude came up to you in the street looking like one of the church pics of Jesus, you’d be like, “I don’t have no money for you, dude.” Yada yada great bits about relationships, and how post-break-ups, somebody always leaves something behind. Women leave comes etc., men leave children. Then onto bits about Katrina and how Steven Spielberg should be president because he’s the only one who could solve the problem in under two hours. His last bit is his obvious A-material, and involves the idea of having a post-sex interview in the same manner an athlete would have a post-game interview. “How did last night go? First, I’d like to thank God. I gotta say I've studied a lot of film, really stiff competition. We were playing from behind pretty much the whole night. But I dug deep, and I'm happy to say I was able to pull it out in the end." And he’s out!
Chris Porter is shown wandering the sidewalks of his home town, Kansas city, telling us that he’s done everything he can do there in comedy land. He’s headlined at all the clubs, opened tons of shows, and had to move to LA to grow. He calls LCS “great and weird”, it’s catapulted him to a level he’s always wanted to achieve. And he says all of this while wearing a sassy beret and somehow not laughing.
Anthony’s intro. actually doesn’t totally bite, and says Chris Porter is one of Oprah’s boot camp peeps, losing 1,024 pounds!
Chris’s act: He went to a club and saw a girl wearing glitter everywhere, thought she was frozen. He found out it was a lotion and said that the product is clearly made for women, as men would look silly, but says it’d be like having a disco ball in his shorts. Instead of a flashlight, HE’D be the life of the party, while kids on ecstasy danced around it. Next up is a bit about smoking, drinking, and urinating and “other”. I won’t go into it, but…there you go. He said he was raised Catholic, and wants to break down the mass for all the non-Catholics out there. First half hour is a talk like any other church would have, singing etc., and he launches into a song, “touchin’ yourself…..Jesus doesn’t love you when you’re touchin’ yourself….” He said he’s paraphrasing, but that was the gist of every song he heard. During the second half hour, they have food and sacred wine, and can’t understand that once, during flu season, no one would have the wine. He thought, “man….where’s the faith?” He says if it were him, he’d snatch it and suck it all down because it’s SACRED WINE. He then says you should only go to church if you believe in it, because otherwise….”you’re just missin’ kick-off.” Lastly, he most respects the snake-handling religious people of Texas, who hold a rattler and ask, “Lord Jesus, should I buy a Honda?” *he mocks getting bitten* “ Zeke, go tell everybody Jesus said to buy American.”
Josh Blue has been on the US Paralympic Soccer team for the last 4 years. He thinks living with a disability has made him funny, because he’s not naturally jammed full of comedy. He just wanted to fit in and prove he was normal. The main two reasons he got into comedy were because of the potential career boost and the ability to put disability in the limelight. And no, the dude did not come here to get 2nd place! Unlike everybody else, who so did. And that, my (one awake) friend(s), was a little gift from Sans Serif.
Anthony introduces him with, “Please welcome Paula Abdul’s neurosurgeon and my lover!” Sweet!
Josh’s act: “I’ve got nothing,” he opens. Hilarious. He talks about how he went to hail a taxi and caught a pigeon instead. Didn’t know he had it until he was in the cab and thought, whoah, he was turning into a magician. “I hate magicians.” He also recently enjoyed his first ménage a toi. “Two of them were spotters.” When he finished, a pigeon came up. Apparently the two spotters were excited, “yay, do another trick!” Suddenly Josh starts rustling in his pants, apologizing to us and saying he’s embarrassed. He suddenly pulls up a cell phone and whispers, “Gabriel, don’t call me anymore!” His next bit is about how much he hates condescending people who come up to him with a child-like voice, “hiiiiiii buddy, how…are….you?” He likes screaming, “fiiiiiiine. Need to get laid!” just to throw them off. He then talks about letting alligators eat his girlfriend, and having two former friends hook up and change the once-only-platonic threesome. He says that it gets awkward and uncomfortable when they start making out in front of you. His revenge? He takes off all his clothes, and says, “hey, can I get a spotter?” Annnnnd the Josh-man is finito!
Michelle Balan is last, and takes us to NYC where we see her tiny dog release his bowels on the sidewalk. Why they chose this footage, I have no idea. But better the dog than her, although the editing this season makes me question whether or not that decision was merely a lucky-for-us last minute producer choice. She says doing comedy in NY is hard, because it’s easier to get a New Yorker to stab you than it is to get them to laugh. She finishes with the expected bit about being mom-like on the boat, but mentions that her own mom died when she was 10, making her feel like this LCS push is something for her. Does she do her mama proud? See below!
Michelle’s act: I immediately agree with her first comment when she says she doesn’t even look like herself, she’s all spiffed and shined, and says, “I look like a stand-in for myself!” A quick bit about the Queen Mary’s need of a vacuum, and then talks a bit about depression. She keeps reading signs about depression that say, “don’t let depression bring you down,” which she says is like saying, “don’t let an orgasm bring you joy.” She launches into a bit about feeling close to all 8 million of us, close enough to say she thought about committing suicide last summer, but got on the roof to jump and was so scared, she went tanning. “Surprising what sun can do.” Bits about Katrina and weather and how she is so addicted to the weather channel, that she can’t leave her house without it on. One morning, she had no idea they were doing a report on Iraq, and left the house dressed for a sand storm. She then talks about a Canadian flight itinerary she had where everything was in military time, making her wonder, “why does Canada use military time but never go to war?” Yada yada Celine Deon joke. She then talks about how in France, they expect you to speak to them in their language, “unlike our country where you speak any language you want and open a business.” She talks about a very heavy man who bought two seats for himself on the plane and heard the reservationist ask, “would you like them together?” “No I’d like my ass in the back!” She says she’s tired of everybody complaining to her that NY smells like urine as if she personally had something to do with it. “Yeah I peed all over the place I couldn't help it" She finishes with a bit about trying to pee outside and how everything went right in her shoes, and how she’d totally check out men’s units at the urinals.
Annnnd we’re finito! Other than the teaser where Anthony tells us that we’re getting preliminary phone results…..and then we get nothing! Nada! Zilch! I swear I had to rewind my DVR three times to hear him say, “these two comics are in the bottom two” only to be followed by flashing lights and…nothing. The editing…..for the love of Pete….the editing!
Ha! You thought I was kidding about that transcription thing, didn't you? Viva la gnomes! firstname.lastname@example.org