I don’t like to be lied to. So when they told me that tonight would be the night of a “thousand belly-laughs” I looked at my belly and said, “kiddo, you’re in for a roller coaster ride. And some waffle sticks.” And then I patted it, reassuring it that it would soon be full of mirth, and hot bread covered in tree sap. None of those things happened. First off, no belly laughing. I did not replace my Tony Horton Ab-ripper routine with a case of the giggles. ($#@%!!) Secondly, I think 3 minutes per person is too short to get what you need. I.e. it’s akin to speed dating. Just when someone’s about to reveal their freaky taxidermy-chipmunk collection, unknowingly arming you with what-to-avoid type safety tips…BAM, next person! And you suddenly feel ill-prepared to fend off stuffed-squirrel collecting nerds/predators. And lastly, but certainly not least, I was out of waffle sticks. And I’m not ashamed to say I may have wept. Which leads us full circle back to this episode.
Anthony Clark opens, woodenly, and looks as if he was paid well to forget the LCS judging controversies of the past. There is no giggly mirth in his delivery of a joke about how the losers will end up on Deal or No Deal, and for me, his little white face still hides old pain. And a thin layer of Oil of Olay Regenerist.
We’re soon introduced to the celebrity panel of judges, all who don’t seem to have a huge problem knowing that, just like modern pay phones, they’re purely decorative. Faux judges. The first Faux ho (ha!) this year is Gary Marshall, producer of every feel-good hooker movie, ever. (As if there are any other kind. Ha!) And Kathy Griffin! (eeeee!!! *squeal* I. Heart. Her. D-list Bravo show.) Annnd Tim Meadows of SNL fame, who, like Gary Marshall, also enjoys bringing the joy of sex-with-multiple-strangers to the big screen. Dudes…looks like we got a hot one toniiight! Woot!
Prior to the onslaught of Super Hot Comedy Action, Clark tosses in a “sweet” Hooters invite that damnit all, makes me miss Jay Mohr. And Buck Star. And the neighbor who used to drunken weed-whack at 3:00 a.m. Wait…that may have been me.
Sooo Many People Pulled Straight from Obscurity, Only to be Thrust Right Back Into it’s Open, Creamy Limbs
And now onto the stand-up! Presented the way it’s meant to be presented. In list form. With all the zest and zip of each comic’s live delivery…CRUSHED! Like “Skippy’s” dreams. They all get 3 minutes. If people continue talking past said time limit, the mics will be shut off, and Anthony Clark will exfoliate them. Let’s roll, people! You won’t see this episode again for at least another 67 minutes!
Vargus Mason - he’s the imitation Lenny Kravitz, and talks about being sensitive while jerking wildly on stage, squeaking like a dolphin, and talking about people going postal. I think “eh” until he does an imitation of a woman putting on lipstick past the edge of her lip, and then I laugh. Slightly. But BAM, the time is up before we know it!
Kira Soltanovich - dark haired youngin’ whom you’ll never, ever see again. Blah blah boyfriend just moved in, she’s Jewish, he’s Irish Catholic, didn’t know she’d have to convert to alcoholism! Ah ha ha h aha ha. *insert Gary Marshall canned laughter* The best part of her act comes when she talks about swimming with dolphins, and the constant reminders from instructors not to touch the fish….sexually. Kathy Griffin laughed. As did I. Both of us….in that knowing way.*blush*
Theo Von - from Real World! Now suddenly, with a total street accent. He launches into my favorite kind of comedy: the sexy kind. Oops…I meant sexist. Apparently women nowadays don’t like to cook, but if they weren’t meant to, why did God put milk and eggs in their bodies? That’s ingredients! for a smackdown For comedy! Ladies, Theo, yo, wants you to know you’re an omelet with a shoe obsession and a hairdo and shouldn’t complain when TheeYo brings syrup into the bedroom.
Jackie Kashian is….someone I’ve actually seen live countless times! From a distance. With a telephoto lens. I kid. I’ve actually just seen her show. From a distance. With a telephoto lens. This is the first comedian all night who gets her own little pre-show interview! Her father’s a salesman and her jokes all center around the hilarity of his wisdom. She also gets a POST-ACT interview which consists of her being from Wisconsin, and her father’s endless supply of comedy just by opening his mouth. Sounds like she hit the jackpot! Or should I say…Jackiepot? Ha ha ha. (Hey, I’m no Buck Star, people.)
Chris Porter, a young lad, hates the French, wants to take over their country, and replace the Eiffel Tower with the Statue of Liberty and a sign saying, “the bitch is back.” He’s the first one to burst pass his 3-minute time limit, so he feels the pain of the suddenly silent mic, as well as the sting from Anthony’s exfoliating cream.
Roz - bigger saucy lady with wild hair, one name, and an old job where she showed up consistently late. When asked by her boss, “why are you always late?” She answers, “because it makes the day go by faster!” Amen to that! She finishes with joyful prostitution jokes. Should she get into the house? I think Tim Meadows and Gary Marshall would argue, “yes”.
David Huntsberger thinks there’d be a lot more Catholics if the pope was hot. I agree. He does a hilarious imitation of the pope on the cover of a fitness mag, nude, wearing nothing but his hat. “oh” he says, covering his mouth coyly. I am filled with joy, and even more so when he suggests that the former pope’s hump be adorned with a second hat. (I think we should ALL have hump-hats. <--go wherever you want to with that one, my babies.)
Saleem is a giant African American guy who walks right out and says his wife is white. He said he does this because whenever he’s talked about being married on stage or in a social situation and people then meet his wife, they’ll be all like, “you should have told us.” But he hasn’t yet found a way to work it into casual conversation. “You know what my white wife said to me?” His finisher: there are still some people out there with problems re: interracial marriages, and he calls those people his wife’s parents.
I get all giddy when I see someone who might make me laugh out loud. He he! And then sad again when they fail to make it happen. This is what happens with….
Doug Mellard who found an old cub scout uniform and was sad to find he could still fit into it. OH yeah, he’s “wee”. He finishes with a bit about how fantasy football is really Dungeons and Dragons for meatheads. Eh. <--I find myself saying that a LOT tonight! Damnit! I have no idea if it just takes us all longer than 3 minutes to warm up, or if I’m just drunk. Again.
Josh Blue has cerebral palsy and has a pre-interview where he says he doesn’t know any other CP people who’ve gotten a chance to say what they want to say on TV. He discusses how he doesn’t get nervous on stage, because he’s used to having this many people staring at him all day. He then does a bit about being kept in a drunk tank for seven days, with the cops wondering, “damn, buddy, what did you drink?” He then tells everyone they’re all going to hell for laughing at him. Ha! I like that one. Kathy Griffin asks him what inspired him to do stand-up. His answer: “I don’t think I had a choice, really. What am I gonna do, be a traffic cop?”
Matt Fulchiron talks about women who wear skirts with jeans underneath, letting him know those are TWO things he won’t be getting into that night. Then he says that “money changes everything”, and he wants to hook that $#!% up! He doesn’t care if money changes him into a 300 pound chinchilla with herpes simplex 2. He finishes with his description of himself at a job interview: a self-defeating nap-taker who likes to drink out of a box.
Josh Wolf is a young guy with a baseball hat who looks VERY HOT. Whoah! Tsss. He talks about how he needs to win this thing so that his kids can go to college, and that sometimes they need to eat too. His kids constantly try to talk him into getting them a cell phone with arguments like, “what if there’s an emergency, what if we’re kidnapped?” and his reply is, “well they’re not gonna let you make a phone call!” His last joke centers around him comparing uncircumcised penii to taquitos. And he’s done! Besides the ball cap, he wears a thick sweater and a big shirt and I can tell you, that’s far too much clothing there, hot boy. I think we'd have ALL enjoyed his act more in a pair of lederhosen. On him too.
Niki Glaser 21, tells us that she’s soooo getting into the house. She dated a frat boy even after her friends warned her they were all womanizers. She insisted it wasn’t true, and in fact, stated this guy was such a gentleman that he waited until date 3 to rape her. Yada yada, jokes about voo doo dolls in her ex-boyfriend, which totally work, because the next day he was stabbed. By her. She finishes with putting a dollar into her aunt’s swear jar and cussing the crap out of her.
Chip Chinery is redheaded guy we’ve all seen from…somewhere. He advertises CNN as an all new season with all new shows, and talks about devil worshippers who swear to God in court that they’ve never killed one. He’s on and off stage so quickly I’m positive his shot at getting in the house is as good as mine is.
April Macie, previously self-labeled major of crazy town has luscious hair and average jokes. She doesn’t say this, *I* do. She talks about wearing hoochie clothes at her heaviest weight and said that pulling off her jeans was like opening a can of biscuits. She finishes with the alert to the guys in the audience that they must face facts: their wive’s/girlfriend’s best friends all know exactly how big their wiener is. Kathy G. asks what inspires her? Relationships and family.
John Roy is a fully bald dude who talks about racism, and how white guys in prison are the scariest, because they’re the ones that are guilty of terrible things: slavery, killing the Indians, and 8 seasons of Full House. Thinks we live in a great nation but that we all mock President’s day when Abe only appears on pennies and in mattress sale commercials.
Wild Willy Parsons tells us that this show would make it easier for him to get money for his four kids, and needs it because he hasn’t figured out a way to steal a house yet. He’s happy to be on stage with no one telling him, “number three, turn around.” He hates prison check-ins and how they always want to “look in your butt for stuff”. He’d never done that, except for once when he was drunk. He says if someone pulls a gun out of their butt, hey, let them have it. Kathy G , and I, laughed. Kathy asks him if he’s been doing it for awhile. She means comedy, not hiding guns in special places. Gary Marshall asks him if this rough exterior is who this guy really is, or if he goes home and puts on a little sweater. “I can if there’s a check in it, Mr. Marshall,” he replies. We all laugh a merry laugh! He’s entertaining, different, wonderful. Will he get into the house? Why of COURSE not!
Tig Notaro is a hilarious woman who also won’t get into the house, due to her being chock-full of comedy and personality. She talks about traveling to New Mexico, staying at a hotel, and putting the “no moleste” sign on her door. There’s no way this act can be done justice, as all the comedy is in her delivery. Trust me, she delivered, just like Wild Willy above.
Modi Rosenfeld wants to be more on the map than he already is, which means he just wants to be on a map. He talks about going to gyms and being trained by a man named “Dash”. He said he didn’t like a punctuation teaching him how to live. He finishes with a bit about protein bars, and how they’re 380 calories and taste like compressed sand that came out of a camel’s ass, whereas next to it, the most delicious thing in the entire universe, a Snickers, is 220 calories.
Joey Gay tells us he lives over a funeral home in Brooklyn and hence, HA to make it. He thinks Palestinians should be baseball pitchers, as they’ve been throwing rocks for 3,000 years. “Throw my screwball for jihad!” He says it’s crazy that Michael J. Fox is a mess while Ozzy is fine, and finishes with his hetero ice skating best friend, unicorns, and his uneven earlobes.
And the Reason None of the Above Matters…
After the comedy-fest, everyone’s hanging around with prayer hands, nervous about whether or not they’re going home. And, the people who’ve been deemed “whacky” enough to stir up a mess o’ televiseable (televizzle) trouble in the Ha Ha House are…
Chris Porter - redheaded, curly haired weirdo guy. <--hey, if you can’t figure out who he is from this, I can’t help you.
April Macie - redheaded mayor of crazy town. Says hard work great hair pays off.
Joey Gay - felt like he’d just heard the sixth number in the lotto.
Roz - excited and elated.
Annnd the Capitol One Audience favorite who wins $1,000 bucks is…Josh Blue! The dude with cerebral palsy! He’s jazzed he was picked as people’s choice.
And that’s it! The first five picked, and everyone else…screwed. Wild Willy Parsons is disappointed he’s not in the house even though he did great. I say to Wild Willy, talk to angry Dan Naturman, he’ll “learn you” on the finer points of the show. And prison etiquette. Because they both referred heavily to the clink in their acts. Connection? Hmmmm…
Next week: the same exact show. Except with different people. It’s new comedy, and that deja-vu feeling of disappointment and mayhem.
For the Love Of God, tell my neighbors to stop %@#%in' slamming their door! <--Crotchety-Old-Man Rant of the Week. email@example.com