fansyou there. Welcome to the showdown, finale, crumb that NBC left us with, and the crumb of a recap left after my inspiration and glow has been deflated like a little balloon. *ffffwweeeee* <---sound of deflating. We're here at the second-to-last-show-turned-sudden-finale to witness…the end of LCS3? Now? Yes, my peeps, according to major sources, NBC has pulled the show…with one episode left. Um…the FINALE. Well motha fu….udge. And my original opener, filled with the hilarity and magic surrounding buttless chaps? Scrapped. Maybe another time. *sigh* I guess I’m just not in a very buttless-chap mood right now. Sorry. Let us get on with it.
The show starts with our little J-man doing an impression of Christopher Walken that delights everyone. If everyone actually means: me.. The audience twitters, I am merry, and we're all set to eject some more comics into the atmosphere without the benefit of a trampoline. *insert groan* Yep, peeps, these are the kinds of jokes I've got tonight!! I'm going out like Geoff Brown!! Woo hoo!! *pats self on back* I blame NBC. Why not? I also choose to blame them for my deflated rear tire, deforestation, and the upcoming apocolypse. On stage to receive their unceremonial boot: From Season one: Geoff Brown, Tess, and Rich Vos. From Season two: Alonzo, Gary, and Todd Glass. And...finally...who won the 50 grand again? Clean sweep, my babies, it's season two! Todd humps Alonzo, and Gary turns away. Hurt. Poor Gary.
Up next, the final two of the final four are selected and sent to the shiny finale stage. The producers totally Brady Bunch the screen, it splits into four, and Jay-as-Greg-Brady reads the results to the tightly contained comics. The first person…gone from season one is……..Geoff Brown!! Buh-bye. I’m unsurprised. He was good.....in a very Bomberasia way.
For Season two, during the name-reading, Gary looks positively breathless and ill and grins tensely (probably because he’s still recovering from the Todd-humping-Alonzo thing. Heck, I'm still recovering from that.) This time when they Brady Bunch the screen, Jay is Marsha. Marsha…Marsha…Marsha. (I really wanted it to be Mrs. Brady, because I had a mullet joke all ready to go. And trust me, there just aren’t that many mullet joke opportunities in the world. Dangit.) All four safely in their squares, we suddenly zoom in on the loser..........Todd Glass! He totally freaks out and begs not to be dragged from the stage. He is promptly dragged from the stage. Todd and Gary hug as he departs, and Gary looks all smiley again, glad for the renewed, sweet, sweet, touch of Todd's stout form.
Season one is up next. Is it Rich or Tess? Rich or Tess? Jay keeps delaying, delaying, delaying while Tess gulps a thousand times before…..leaving the stage!! Juicy goes home! It’s Rich! (I’m a little glad this is over, as it’s hard to make “excitement” happen on paper.)
Season two has no such delay. As a matter of fact, Gary and Alonzo are standing on stage looking around when suddenly Jay rushes out with, “the-comic-moving-forward-into-the-final-four-is-Alonzo-Boden.” <---no inflection, no change in tone…nada. What? Was he talking to us? It was totally non-momentous. Poor Gary looks sad as he leaves the stage and I feel all bad for his inner tambourine monkey. Where did he go? Where is the clapping happiness? It is gone. Along with his dreams. *poof*
The Ha ha Showdown
Four comics left = four times as much stand-up to blow through poorly. But I'll give it to you. Oh yes, I will. Anyhow, we’re at that point: the pointy point.
First comic up for the night is John Heffron, who says he gets all nervous like a leetle girl every time he performs. He wonders if he’s chosen the right set, he’s wondering if he can win over the crowd, he’s wondering if we see his panty line. Answer: yes. He wants to rule the world through comedy, and hopes to spread love and peace everywhere during his reign. And occasionally use enormous scissors for Shop-mart openings. He’s totally jazzed about new material he’s developed, and thinks it’ll rock hard.
His act: First off, he let’s the young men out there know that it’s better to chase after older women, because younger women make you chase them all night, whereas older women “have crap to do the next day.” Hey, you might even get a lunchable out of the deal. He compares parties in his youth to parties now. Now he has game night. But when he was a punk-ass youngin’, they played live Donkey Kong by rolling a keg down the stairs and leaping over them. Then he launches into a long bit about break-ups. “Ever know any couples that should break up but they just don't, they just stay with each other? Cause they're like, "aww it's almost Thanksgiving, I might as well stay with her until January 2nd." " He says breaking up is hard to do, that’s why he wants to start a company where you can hire him and he’ll break up for you. “You dont have to worry about nothing. You hire my trained professional staff and we'll show up where your soon-to-be-ex works with a clipboard, "yo, how you doin', are you Jenny? It’s not you it's him, sign right here. The yellow copy is yours." He talks about how much it sucks to do the end of relationship inventory where you have to think about how much of your stuff the other person has, and how much of it you’ll never see again. He says women always make out a little bit better at the end of a relationship, and jokes about how women will keep some of the man’s clothes, but you don’t see men walking around in stirrup pants and scrunchies. “yeah, they’re my ex-girlfriends.” He finishes with jokes about the non-stress of being a nine-year-old, and the Chevette he owned at 17 with a hole in the floor where his mix tapes could drop and bounce out. And he’s out!!
Rich Vos: He can’t wait to get back at the club owners that were mean to him, and wants to eat off both sides of the menu now. I have no idea what this means, but apparently revenge is best met through gorging. He says that he’ll be a wreck before he performs, but he’s totally all about the stand-up; he loves it, he adores it, and he wants to squeeze out it’s babies.
His act: His whole bit centers around his girls, age 12 and 14. Apparently the youngest starts fights with huge guys whom he then may have to fight. He talks about being from the “old school”: when his 14-year-old taunts him in a restaurant, he threatens to burn her with his cigarette. A few minutes later his 12-year-old whines, “come on daddy, please, BURN her!” His daughters also love to make faces behind his ex-wife’s back while she’s yelling at him, all to make him laugh. Then they sell him down the river by denying they have anything to do with it. “No we’re not (making faces) mommy. He lies. Now we know why you left him.” He jokes about being Jewish, and one of the few in the theater. “If we weren’t here, someone would say, “let the meeting come to order.” He asserts that if Moses would have walked one more mile, “we would have had all the oil.” He finishes with jokes about depression over the holidays, and how he was once a surly, volunteer Santa. He says a cute kid sat on his lap and simply asked that his daddy stop drinking and slapping his mommy. Bad Santa says, “let me ask you a question, Billy, does your mommy mouth of a lot?” The kids response, “she is kind of a nag.” He thanks the audience for not freaking out, or being too politically correct. He says Californians are nuts for giving all illegal aliens licenses, and that they should only receive them if they make it past a heavily patrolled border where every border-jumper gets shot. “It will be like a high stakes game of red rover, you make it across, you get a license. You don't? You get shot at the border. Red rover red rover, send Paco right over.”
Dave Mordal: Apparently everything Dave does is sort of impromptu, as he says he has zero idea what he’s going to do, besides his opening joke, before he pops out under the hot lights. And for some reason, before he goes out, he always has to pee. He says he wants to win this on material, as he’s already proven that he can’t strategize. He said that during his reign as LCS, he would “travel around the country, giving hope to other……..no I would just stay home.”
His act: If you want a stress free life, don’t get your parents anything made after 1972. He talks about how his mom has trouble opening AOL, and finds out she was trying to log into Word, and has her password typed out in a document. Her password? Her name. "shh" More jokes about his parents being technologically challenged, and says his dad tried to change the TV by using his cell phone. “I didn’t see him…I heard him…because he’s pushing redial.” Apparently his dad constantly does weird stuff and has a new home entertainment system. “You know those bug zappers? Well you fill the bottom of that with bird seed and boy you’ve got a show.” He gets out his bird book and crosses them off one by one. He then launches into bits about the mentally retarded and the death penalty, somehow inserting that anyone on death row, claiming to be retarded, is full of it, and thinks it's a weak defense for murderers etc. “You can’t execute my client, he’s retarded. He doesn’t even know he’s being executed.” And his response, “Good, tell him he’s going to the zoo.” He just plain doesn’t believe anyone on death row has down’s syndrome. He’s never walked down the street, saw a retarded person and thought, “Oh my God there’s a retarded person,” and dove into an alley and soiled himself under a dumpster. He then says if you ever were killed by a retarded person, what kind of warrior are you? You can fake them out, “look, there’s your bus,” and you run like hell. He does some bit about drugs and pot, and then launches into what cars are safest to drive when you’re sleepy. Nice, new, SUV’s are dangerous, because you’re all comfy. But crappy cars will keep you safe by playing that game, “what’s that horrible noise? And what’s that comin’ through the vents? Steam or smoke? Steam or smoke?” He finishes with how he doesn’t like that Onstar technology. HE doesn't want to receive a call when his airbag deploys. His answer would be: “Do I want you to send someone? No, I want you to keep this quiet so I can back the hell up and get the hell out of here.”
Alonzo Boden: Alonzo totally boxes it up before he hits the stage and always thinks about how he’s gong to “destroy the room”. He knows his final set is going to be edgey and might make peeps uncomfy, but that’s what he’s gotta do. If he wins this thing it would be great, because his fans would feel justice was served.
His act: He starts right off by making fun of how the winner of the presidential debate is handled just like LCS, and how now the elections are down to personal attacks. The Bush people attacked Kerry for not being shot correctly in Vietnam, and the Kerry people came back with how bush joined the national guard to protect Texas and Alabama from the Vietcong. He talks about the Bush’s people foolishly bringing attention to his shaky record, and says, “If you kill your wife, you don’t report her missing. I’ve never killed anyone, but I’ve watched CSI, and when they ask if the last person to see her alive is you, you’re going to jail.” He doesn’t get why the government needs new computer systems when the DMV can find a parking ticket he got in 1972. “If a terrorist parallel parks illegally, we’ll find them.” He says he’s tired of the war on terror, and we should instead, “go Wild on terror.” He says they should send ho’s like Pari Hilton over for distraction, and says he has no idea how she wrote a book when she probably can’t even read a book. More Paris jokes, and then onto chit chat about hatred, and how much he adores the term, “white trash,” because it indicates a whole new level of hate, because it means there were no Cubans or latinos etc. etc. around to hate, and they finally had to divide up the white people. He finishes by saying black and white people need to stick together because they all need to watch out for the latinos, and says there are more of them now than there are blacks, “soon they’ll take over our history month.”
After all the comics are finished, we’re finally left with an empty little feeling inside as we recap them, and we hear Jay tell us to stay tuned for next Tuesday, realizing we’ll never, ever, see Dave Mordal congratulated for winning it all. Wait…what? Did I say that out loud? Yep. I’m assuming. I have no proof, but man, I laughed out loud at his whole set. And without much adieu, this recap ends poorly, much like the season. At least we can all feel empty together. *high fives all*
I blame NBC. firstname.lastname@example.org