This was probably the most kick-ass episode this season to date. And yes, I said kick-ass. But this will not be the most kick-ass recap. My muse didn’t show up. His name is Rocky, and he’s an unreliable bastard. Sorry.
Tonight it’s time to get a’ roastin’, with a huge night of joyous titillation the likes of which we’ve never seen during this season. There will be special guest stars aplenty, which means...…two: Jeffrey Ross, roast host extraordinaire, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the meanest son-of-a-bitch.....literally......that ever sat atop someone’s hand. Reason for meanness? Hand up ass 24/7. Think of it. You’d be cranky too.
But first things first, it’s time to hear all about how Season two won the money again. Guess what? They did. Yep, Season One was unsurprised, and Season Two was generously non-gloaty much. Somewhere in the distance, pre-announcement, a group of nerds chants, “Season two!! Season two!!!” And then they were shot.
Tonight, three comics from each season will chip away at Jay Mohr’s self-esteem while he pretends to like it. Also up for taunting: anyone sitting in the theater. These are the nights in comedy clubs where you don’t want those front row seats, and you're well advised to keep your wardrobe free of silver unitards and T-shirts with "Ready to Party" on the front. You’ll be dead. Trust me.
The roasters with the mostest tonight:
Season One: Rich Vos, Geoff Brown, Tess
Season Two: Alonzo Boden, Gary Gulman, Todd Glass
Holy #$#%@$# That's Mean
Desperate segue--> Back from commercial…Jay welcomes Jeffrey Ross, famed host of regular roastings at the Friar’s club. According to Jay, Jeffrey is a wonderful friend. And according to Jeffrey.....Jay is an "a-hole". And so it begins....
Jeff: Constant put downs are had, and the non-targets are amused. He compares Jay to a "more gay" Ryan Seacrest, and says, “Jay Mohr is to stand-up comedy…what J.Lo is to stand-up comedy.” He then briefly moves on to insist the balcony beneath Ralphie’s buttocks be reinforced. Ralphie is unamused and uses a blow dart to sink a long, poison-filled reed into Jeffrey's neck. Jeffrey sways and weaves like Frankenstein until he falls over....dead.
Or he just slams Jay some more. He critiques Jay’s lackluster movie/TV career that no one remembers. “Jay’s been cancelled more times than Roy Horn’s funeral.” (And for a second, I think.....who the bleep is Roy Horn? And then I realize that I never equate the "Roy" of Sigfried and Roy with "Horn". And I suddenly feel ashamed with my woeful lack of mauling-story literacy.) Lastly, he asserts that Jay’s role in Jerry Maguire was gained by banging Tom Cruise. And hey, there's no proof otherwise. So that said...I banged Tom Cruise too. Was it good? Have you ever seen the orgy scene in Zoolander, with the increasing number of men, little people, and some fu man chu guy? It was nothing like that. We had a goat, too.
Up next is what you’ve all been salivating for: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the little man on a hand who lifts you up by putting others down. I must summarize or be forced to provide a transcript. So the summary it is.
Triumph: he immediately states that he’s seen bigger stars when he accidentally sat on his own nuts, and Gary Gulman and Todd Glass laugh so hard they toss their heads back in unison. If that were done in slow mo, they could be selling shampoo. And also....kind of romantic. Anyhow. Triumph asserts that Jeffrey Ross’s face keeps him from true stardom. He then totally disses Tess, by saying she has that great hook, “ 'I’m a big girl and I’ve got it goin’ on.' Yes, goin’ on about 260 pounds, I’d say.” Tess looks ready to punch his puppetry hand, and Triumph adds, “Nothing is sexier than a woman at risk for congestive heart failure.” He disses Rich Vos, too, but for his career and “if you had any more of a rat face, Dat Phan would have tried to eat you by now.” The camera keeps flashing to a delighted little Gary, who claps like a tambourine monkey, and I am merry just to watch. Ralphie May, on the other hand, looks entirely unamused when Triumph asks him if he was influenced by thinner comics, “like Louie Anderson.” He finishes slamming the comics by bringing up Alonzo’s drug past and saying he hopes he quits comedy, too.
Inexplicably, Triumph only spends a few moments slapping Jay: He says Jay’s so versatile, he’s been an actor and an author and a comic and a host, “he keeps you guessing. What’s he going to suck at next?” He says that Jay’s only chance to appear on NBC was either hosting this show, or “getting mauled by a white tiger.” And lastly, “his career is like my poop. Hot for five minutes.” He finishes by promoting his DVD, and telling us we’ve been great, “for me to poop on.” Soiled and happy, the crowd claps merrily.
The Non Triumph-ant <----resorting to Jay London-like puns
Now up for summarization sumptuousity, is the season one and season two comics getting ready to roast the J-man. Let us witness …..the…destruction..uction…uction. <---in monster truck rally promotor voice.
Geoff Brown: Poor Geoff. I will say it right now: Bomb City. The Bomb capitol of Bomberasia. From the Land of Bombodia near the Suckiatic Sea. Yep. He doesn’t do well. First off, he reads his comedy from notes on his hand. How very stand-up ala 8th grade. He jokes about enjoying this and that on SNL and then…”Oh wait, no, that was David Spade.” He says if you watch all the good parts of Jay’s movies, and read all the good parts of his book, you’ve just wasted 11 minutes of your life. More “funniness” to the tune of Jay’s receding hairline and huge ego. “Some people actually find Jay Mohr hilarious. We call those people…retarded.” He equates Jay’s stand-up to the uncomfortableness of a woman’s first sexual experience and says that Jay is to comedy what a kick in the nuts is to a kick in the nuts. He finishes with a plea to be on another show. (Do I know what show? No.) Jeffrey Ross thanks him “for that very moving lecture.”
Alonzo Boden: Alonzo slams Geoff first, who really doesn’t need the slamming after coming out of the gates so poorly. But slam him, he does, by making fun of his military past. And then he swoops in to temporarily save Tess’s sexy mama status by saying, “you’re one button away from raising our ratings.” He says that Gary is the hottest guy in comedy, “I’ve caught myself lookin’ at him. One time I got a little moist, and that’s not right at all.” He chides Todd Glass for his stage dive beg-fest the other week, and finally gets around to smack-talkin’ Jay. “Jay is probably best known for his impressions, but it’s easy to do impressions when you have no personality of your own. Unless short and angry is a personality.” He finishes by picking on Jay’s impressions of black people, and says, “I actually learn my slang from Jay now.” He said it’s weird to hear slang from a white guy, it’s like “hearing a cat barking.”
Tess: Tess starts right off by saying, “oh yeah we ain’t got time.” I’m assuming she’s talking of her need to offer up a rebuttal to the heavy humor, but she says nothing and instead immediately insults herself AND pulls Ralphie down with her by saying, “Jay's career is as solid as me and Ralphie holding hands on a diving board.” She slams Todd Glass while Gary claps! What?? Lover’s Quarrel? I digress. She says Jay is absolutely hilarious, and if he doesn’t believe her, he should just ask himself. She finishes by taunting him sexually, and says she wants to chase him, “he might try to run away, but not with these on,” and she whips out hand cuffs. Then she says she’s like 6 feet, and he’s like 5’7” and so she pulls out a step stool and says, “You’re goin’ up on me tonight.” Somewhere in here, a whip is pulled out. Jay is afraid, and the audience claps.
Pre-commercial interjection, Triumph’s sitting near Jay London, and says, “who’s guarding Notre Dame tonight?”
Gary Gulman: He thanks season one for being the “Expos of Comedy” and says that no one has a longer losing streak other than Wiley Coyote. He picks on Rich’s teeth and Dave Mordal’s eyes, saying US Air made Dave check those bags. He totally slams Dat Phan by saying that Dat wanted to make fun of Jay Mohr, but unfortunately, Jay doesn’t speak with a Vietnamese accent. “Ooo..we get it. Your mom talks funny.” He then says that Ralphie accidentally swallowed Wanda Sykes and let’s the producers pay him in taffy. He finishes with a teeny, tiny bit on Jay, saying every week, more of the hair on Jay’s forehead gets voted off, more hair jokes, all while Jay sports a fake hair piece, and finally, “Jay Mohr’s show, Sports, was kicked of TV faster than Bonnie McFarland.”
Rich Vos: He rips on Jeffrey Ross first, saying the last time he was on network TV was never. He says you can tell when Jay London walks into a show, “his knuckles are scraped.” He tells Ralphie that if he wins the money, he should have his kitchen stapled. Finally, after an hour of non-smiling-ness, Ralphie says, “now that was funny.” He says people wonder why John Heffron runs around the stage, “he’s looking for a punch line.” Rich doesn’t limit himself to the known people, he even targets an interracial couple in the audience, and then finishes with some really sadly lame little slams on Jay. “Jay steals material. His writing partners are Robin Hood and Winona Ryder.” *groan* Oh my. He says that Jay used to have a drinking problem, and his liver was so brown and bloated, it looked like Tess. He finishes with, “look at the size of your head, didn’t you fall off a wall?” and says another groaner: “Dat Phan, we sent his body to the MRI, we didn’t find a funny bone in it.” Ay yi yi.
Todd Glass: He sings. Yes he does. Again. And poorly. But this time it rhymes. I did not type the lyrics, by the gist of the song is: Jay sucks. In rhyme. And if you’re going to suck, you might as well suck in rhyme. Post song, he decides that he didn’t want to waste time on jokes, so he just decided to write down a few things instead: *audience giggles* He says Jay’s eyes are too close together, he’s annoying, he’s not funny, his suits make him look scrawny, and other insults culminating in, “you’re probably not listening to a g-damn word I’m saying.” He finishes with another song, and all I really remember, is that somewhere in there, he said, “balls”. I hung onto that. Okay, he also said that Jay smoked Xanax through a bong. Before leaving the stage, Todd gets all sentimental and mushy and thanks Jay for seriously saving his totally sucky life.
Annnnd we….are…almost…out of here!! All the comics have done their roasting, and all that’s left is a little more Triumph in the balcony, chastising Ralphie for black talking. “As a black entertainer, I’m offended.”
Jay Poops Back
Ahhh. Finally, we’re down to the wire, and it’s time for Jay to slice and dice the slice and dicers. The cameras flash the audience as he ascends the stage, and we see losers with poster boards sporting, “I love Jay” logos. Perhaps people are actually starting to believe that Ryan Seacrest thing. Jay goes right for the jugular right off the bat by saying if Jeffrey Ross were any uglier, “he’d be having sex with Bonnie McFarland.” Oooo!! That’s harsh!! Rich Vos is apparently dating Bonnie McFarland, and he slams the non-present Bonnie by saying, “your girlfriend has had more contact with DNA than a slab at the morgue.” He says that Tess is a big sexy black woman, but so is Ralphie. Then he goes for the super-nasty of all the Tess jokes: “Tess’s website has fun facts. She has to wear white gloves when she eats tootsie rolls so she doesn’t eat her fingers.” And then he tells Geoff that every time he says something funny, he loses a bet. He finishes by saying Alonzo has big eyes, and Todd Glass sweats so much it’s like he’s makin’ porn. He thanks everyone for bringing joy to the world and he loves them all like children. We're touched.
And there can be only……..Four
After all the roasters are recapped, the screen spins into an interesting visual of two mics coming together in a very boxing-glove/sporty kind of “rooooarrr” way, apparently indicating the nonexistent tension that resides right before Jay is about to reveal the first two comics to make it to the final four.
Quickly, so that we can all go home:
The season one comics who will be whittled down to one: Dat Phan, an unhappy Ralphie May, and a spikey-haired Dave Mordal.
The season two comics who will be whittled down to one: Kathleen Madigan who looks ready to hurl, John Heffron, who looks fine, and Jay London…who we mostly can’t see.
But they're not going to eliminate these people fast. We've got a full seven minutes to burn here, people. Should I rifle? What do you all think? Dang that I couldn't really hear you.
The lowest vote scorer for season two is.......Kathleen Madigan. Her hurl-look immediately twists into a fake, appreciative smile before she runs off, with none of the ferver of last week, when she mounted Alonzo on stage. Not in that way. That time.
The lowest vote scorer for season one is....Dat Phan. Rich Vos and Dave Mordal squeal with glee on the inside. No they don't show it. I'm just assuming.
And now it's time for Jay to draw out the final results. The person who moves on to the final four from season two is.....Jjjjjjjjjjjj...ohn Heffron!! Pffft. As if it would be otherwise. Maybe in the land where up is down and Cheech and Chong are sober. But here in the real world, it's John.
And the first comic moving to the finals from season one is.....Dave Mordal!! Yes!! Everyone rejoices and I do the wave. By myself.
And we're out for another night!!
Next Week: Two comics from the roast will make it through to join John Heffron and Dave Mordal in the final four. The final four will perform and eventually, one will win 250 thousand dollars. Which, hey, I wouldn't sneeze at. But CBS gave Amber Brkich a million dollars. That's all I'm saying.
Please, no poop. firstname.lastname@example.org