I once posed naked with a chicken. I know what you’re thinking: lucky chicken. I know. I know. But I promised you naked photos. Whatever it takes to crack that 40 hit count. Heh heh. The more bizarre...apparently the better. Freaks. Well....just click here. Buwahahaha! Okay, no really, that’s not it, here it is. Ha again!! Okay, no, really, seriously, I’m not lying, just click here. Okay, maybe I am lying. Just a little. Did I pose naked with a chicken? Only the chicken knows, and it ain’t talkin’. That beak: sealed. So now that you're here, let's get it awwwwoonnn with the recappage!!
On another note: I know how to hypnotize a chicken. You stroke it’s beak and it’s beady eyes become mesmerized by your fingers, and it eventually stiffens up, and falls over. Totally unharmed, but slumbering…….stiffly. And cutely. Because a sleeping chicken is always cute. I’m not saying this played any role in the above. Look, man, that was purely consensual. How do I actually know how to do this? Hellooooo Discovery channel, friend to scientists.......and to those who want to take advantage of poultry.
Jay lets us know that tonight is very colon-like: full up with twists and turns, the likes of which you’ve never seen! (let’s all hope). We get right to the chase and find out who wins the moneda: season two......or season two? After a quick reality-TV inspired fake-out, Jay announces……….season two gets the 50k yet again!! Poor season one. They are hilarious. Yet they didn’t have that gnome. So really, they lost before they started.
Season two begins to freak out, and I have one thing to say: Kathleen Madigan is smoooookin’ crack. She leaps atop Alonzo Boden, who seems to mind…..not at all…...and basically humps his back and hee haws her way over his torso, whipping her surprisingly nimble five foot two frame into some kind of frenzy. (This is similar to how I reacted when I got my last job. And yes, I was smoking crack at the time. They can't fire you if you're in a recovery program. Just sayin'.)
And now it’s time to announce the lowest vote getters: from season one, it’s Sean Kent (who mutters “shooocker”) and Geoff Brown, who mutters nothing, but limbos his way up to the front of the stage.
For season two, the lowest vote getters are Todd Glass, (we hear the voice of Gary weeping in the distance, okay not really), and Ant, who smiles fakely with the I-am-pretending-this-doesn't-bother-me-but-I-might-cry-soon look.
As the comics are sent back stage, Jay lets us know the new scoop of this show: three comics will perform tonight, the other three will have to perform a roast next week......of Jay Mohr!! Woo hoo!! I actually find myself rubbing my hands together in excitement, and what I notice is, when I’m not taking notes for this show: I am actually entertained. So the show: good. Recapping the show: less good. Anyhow, they’ll roast Jay, and all the comics likey wikey. <----baby talk again.
Also freakadelic about the night: each team gets a celebrity comic on their side to help sway votes!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy for us! Jay announces the season one guest comic by lying and saying he saved his life in Vietnam. Who da man? It’s Minnesota grown Louie Anderson!!
Representin’ season two in the hizzouse, it’s Carrot Top! And oh. My. God does he look BEEFY. Beef. E. He’s so muscle-y that it hurts mine eyes to look at the screen. It just looks like his skin might be really, really, tight .....like a sausage casing. I know this…because as muscle-mass goes…I’m freakin’ HUGE. And cut like a diamond. But anyhow, his hair looks very wig-like (sorry man, I know it’s not your fault! It’s mother nature! *lightning*). Anyhow, he looks very Ronald McDonald, if Ronald McDonald were part of the WWF. Which he was. At one time. Anyhow, I see him, and I’m afraid. Very, very, afraid.
Holy Waaaaaar!!! <-----a la la la la la la la la la la la la
Inside the war rooms, a twist was awaiting the comics. All ooh and ahhh…as Tess and Gary read the surprise: of the three comics performing on each team tonight, the bottom TWO will be eliminated!! Ahhh!! All look appropriately shocked and awed. I am awed and shocked.
Both sides crack out the funny as they decide if they’d rather do stand-up or the roast. Dave Mordal consults a paper clip and tries to get it to speak up about what to do, as paper clips have become his new, inner Buddha. Kathleen Madigan does an impression of Ralphie May (and spot on, if he were a diminutive red head......high on crack.) John Heffron jokes to Kathleen/Ralphie that if you eat Dat Phan, you’ll be hungry thirty minutes later, and Kalphie says, “oh come on, Heffron, how hack of a joke is that?” Dave Mordal ends the scene being pissed at his paper clip, looking miffed by it, and tossing up his hands, “oh NOW he’s not talkin’ to me!”
Tonight, performing for Season one: Dat Phan, Ralphie May, Dave Mordal, and Louie Anderson.
Tonight, performing for Season two: Jay London, Kathleen Madigan, John Heffron, and Carrot Top.
Homie Don’t Play that Game
Nope. That heading has nothing to do with this segment. Instead, this is all about the comedy. The amazingly hilarious, non-recappable comedy du jour that lights up my inner elf. Let’s get it rollin’.
Kathleen Madigan: more proof that she does the ganja, or the sweet, hard, rock cocaine, or something else, as she comes out totally smashed (or just appears it. Or maybe not. Maybe I am the one that is smashed. Again.) She jokes about the weather channel and says, "I like to watch it to see what intern they throw into the eye of the hurricane". She says Mexico is the coolest country, because they voted as a group for nap time every afternoon. She likes to watch the faces of the Oprah show audience when they announce the topic of the show, because prior to getting in there, they have no idea if it’ll be the ten thousand dollar giveaway show or something serious, like abused women in India. She finishes with how kids are like tiny homeless people, and that Disneyland should serve alcohol, because the tickets say, “it’s the happiest place on earth.”
Dave Mordal: Oh…my…WORD. His whole bit was beyond hilarious, and I found myself laughing merrily. I feel compelled to tell you much of it. Dare I? Why yes. *cracks knuckles* Ahhh. Come. Let us begin. First off, he’s cynical about charity fraud post-9/11, like for example, he got a call asking for a donation for the missing children’s fund, and he wants to know, how are you gonna get them the money? He’s also high on giving toys to Toys for Tots, and prefers donating at stores where the bin is inside, so he can chuck unpurhased toys riiiight into the basket. It's not shop lifting if he doesn't leave the store, and if he’s ever arrested, the judge will look foolish, “we caught him trying to give toys to needy children." He talks about a news story from England about a man who is suing Buckingham Palace because when he worked there, he was raped twice by another male servant. “You know why the story is nonsense? Because he said he was raped twice. Every time I’ve been raped at work, that’s been my last day! No punching out, no two week notice, I’m not even going to swing by on Friday to pick up my check....you RAPED me!” He talks about this guy filling out a job application and answering the question: why did you leave your last job? “ 'I was raped twice.' So right away your new employer knows you’re good for at least once.” He finishes his bit by talking about wanting to respond to a job ad for a private investigator that included no contact info. It was a test. He ended up walking around asking everybody if they were hiring, and he, “ended up being raped twice.”
John Heffron: He does the junk drawer scissors joke again, i.e. the orange handled scissors his mom uses to cut pizza and cut the crap off the dog. “Mom’s trying to cut our hair with the dingle berry scissors.” He also talks about how cool little kids are because they don’t care what people think about them. He talks about a kid in the middle of the day at a mall, dressed like a pirate, not on pirate’s day, but just because he felt like it. This same kid was carrying a walkie talkie to keep in touch with his parents, and he wonders if his own parents were neglectful when he was a kidlet, because he could be gone all day, come back in the middle of the night, and his dad would ask, “are you in for the night?” His response: “Nope, just getting a flash light.”
Dat Phan: His comedy is yet again, hard to recap, because it involves high kicks and accents, both of which I cannot provide via the written word. Unless I’m freakin’ amazing. (And I am...just not in this particular way.) He does bits about his mom having ten kids and wishing her kids would watch her instead of the Brady Bunch on TV. "I have nine siblings. The cool thing about that is that I get all my clothes for free. And the cool thing about having nine sisters is this..." He finishes with jokes about how the Vietnames ended up running all the nail salons in America, and talks about nail girls speaking badly behind your back in Vietnamese. *accented stuff I can’t figure out..and then…* “I tell you, she slut! Oh shoot! Wrong language!”
Jay London: puns abound. Somone apes out "jay rules!! rawwwwwr!!" (“Apes-out” means “yells loudly and moronically in frat-boy way”. No offense to frat boys. I’m sure you’re all quite lovely.) Anyhoo, he talks about being an out of season chia pet. They’re holding a five mile fertility run in his neighborhood, and the last woman there is a rotten egg. “What do you think of sex in the 90’s? It’s too hot.” Annnd lastly: “It’s 70 degrees but the humidity makes it feel like 100. How do they know how I feel, do they ever pick up a phone?”
Ralphie May: Another comic that's hard to recap, what with the lingo etc. He hates political correctness, and proves it by firing out his entire bit full-up with controversial material. First off, he doesn't like anything blank-american, why african American? He questions whether, “you ever been to Africa?” He says that Mexicans that move here are Mexican American, if not, then you’re just Mexican, or chicano or "the brown guy that mows our lawn". More complaints about the blank-American moniker, and complains that people from India are just as Asian as people from China, except with a different appearance. Lastly, he says he can't cry for Native Americans, because he lost eight grand at one of their casinos.
The Heavyweights! Pow, pow! <----Batman sound effects
Jay Mohr introduces Louie Anderson as one of this best friends, and gushes on and on about him. He starts off by saying he wants to be the Last Comic Laying Around. He jokes about his doctor and his health, and how his mother loved butter to a ridiculous extent, but lived to be 77. His father smoked and drank, “and when he was 79, we finally had to kill him.” He said he’s a smoker trying to quit, and he’s up to three and a half patches a day, and called the company to ask, “when are you coming out with the nicotine jacket?” He talks about how nicotine is supposedly a harder drug to break then heroine. “So I’m thinking of getting on that. Is that Louie on heroine? Yeah but he quit smokin.” He jokes about legalizing marijuana, and finishes with how when you turn 100 years old, there’s nothing for you but Willard Scott putting your face on a Smucker’s label. He says that a 109-year-old would have 80 year-old kids, and scream, “keep it down up there! Turn that Glen Miller crap off!”
Carrot Top: There’s no way to recap Carrot Top with any justice, as he’s all physical and bendy and runs amok with props he builds himself. Props that you have to see. Props that you can’t see here. So I will heavily summarize. First off, he chooses to enter the stage through the crowd and points at the camera in a menacing, "I'm going to kick your ass and then maybe hump somebody's thigh" kind of way, fulfilling the wrestler-look and story-line. His props: a wedding cake with an etch and sketch on top for Britney Spears, so that she can change names easily. A gun for cops to lure red necks out of the trailer: fishing rod with a beer can on the end. A birth control reminder: a baby doll holding a pill organizer. There’s a pair of panties with a guest book affixed to the front. A small shopping cart for Mary Kate and Ashley, about the size of a Barbie cart. Many more things, including a Michael Jackson face where you can change the features via magnets, and a peep hole for blind people: a big hole in the door that you can stick your arm through so as to feel the face.
Very quickly, the
shistuff goes down. They’re going to decide…who…goes…home!! <----drama. As the wacky Who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire beep boop bop boop beep boop bop music plays overhead, the comics-on-the-balance stand in hilarious model-esque poses, similar to when Christopher Walken was on SNL long ago as Obession model: "Burner". If you never saw that episode, ahhh nuts for you. And did you know that Jay Mohr does a kick ass Christopher Walken impression? That’s just an aside. See? Look how I add the tension by delaying the results and jamming this paragraph up with useless trivia. It’s gold.
Ant announces himself that he’s going home and shakes his car keys in front of his “I miss you, Tammy” T-shirt. Jay agrees with him and sends him packing. Annnd for season one........a newwwwwwwwwww CAR!! No. Actually the season one peep going home is: Sean Kent! He continues to stand for a surprisingly long time, as the credits role. And we’re out!
Next week: everyone gets toasty at the roasty. Yep. Lame. Yet I leave it inexplicably. And special guest roaster? Are you ready? Are you ready? It’s Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! No way! Way!!
Gearing up for sumo-suit wrestling. email@example.com